Does age matter?

[Truthiness Inspector]

Sometimes I think it does. What if you are 30 years younger than the other person, but you two connect?

Here is the premise: You are both adults, it is all consentual, you care about each other, and have tons of fun when you are together.

Do you go for it if it means "full on", and give up other things (such as wanting kids) with an older person or do you acknowledge the fact that there are no guarantees in life (the younger one could be hit by a bus tomorrow)?

For what it's worth, I'm the younger half of this equation. Input?

[XemaSab]

1. A few weeks ago I put the moves on a guy and he shot me down

on the basis of age.

So yeah, I know where you're coming from.

FWIW, if there is a true meeting of the minds, go for it. :P

[Reverend_Smitty]

2. I think it all matters about what each of you want out of life...

since you are the younger party and don't care about having a family, then by all means go for it. I mean the heart loves what it loves, right? If you are both in a good place and you care about each other what does age matter. I say life is too short so you should enjoy your time with each other and who cares what anybody else says. But with that said, it does come down to what is going to make you happy. If you feel that you want to have kids (or whatever your partner doesn't want) and you do, it's ultimately your decision to where you want to go with this relationship. But if you are enjoying yourself right now with your partner, who is anyone else to judge?

[Qanisqineq]

3. I think it shouldn't

but have to admit that for me it does. I am just not attracted to men more than a couple years younger than me or more than about 5 years older than me. I think for me part of it is what we experienced as children would be similar, someone my age would have been in elementary school in the 80's. I don't really know how to explain it and am just making myself confused trying. Even in my group of friends, I have friends much younger and friends much older but I feel more drawn towards the friends around my age.
:silly:

[murielm99]

4. It can work.

When I was 21, I married someone 22 years older than me.

We had 6 1/2 years together. He died young, at 49. I was glad for the time we had together.

I remarried at 30, and raised a family.

Would my first marriage have lasted? I don't know. I think it would have, more because of the kind of person he was than I was. But no one can know what the future holds.

If you think this is the right thing, go for it.

[pokerfan]

5. As long as both sides have their eyes open

I am reminded of the ending to blade Runner:

"Gaff had been there, and let her live. Four years, he figured. He was wrong. Tyrell had told me Rachael was special. No termination date. I didn't know how long we had together... Who does?"

[SeattleGirl]

6. Given your criteria, hell no, it shouldn't matter.

I think the unwritten rule about people needing to be close in age in order for a relationship to work should be permanently retired.

[MonkeyFunk]

7. No easy answer

it does and it doesn't.

Age differences have their own set of issues, but they're no bigger or smaller than any other issues couples can have. Religion, economic background, current finances, allergies... whatever.

I've seen some multi-generational relationships work really well and some fail miserably, but ascribing the failure to age probably isn't entirely fair.

MOST relationships fail. There are almost infinite obstacles that go into a relationship, and some people are good at overcoming the vast majority of them, and some aren't. That's not a failure on the part of the people involved - it's just a realization that people put very different priorities on different things.

It's beautiful when you can find someone who largely matches your own priorities. If you've found that person, then age is no more important than any other factor.

The only way to find out is to try. That's the horror of love.

[tavalon]

8. It's just way to individual to say

I've always gravitated toward those who are within 5 years of my age. One of my partners just started dating a girl whose mother is one year older than me. I started out teasing her about it but it clearly made her uncomfortable so I quit. Everyone is different. As long as you are both of consenting age and can meet up on the important things, then I say go for it. Watch Harold and Maude. Fantastic movie and not a non sequitor.

[hippywife]

9. I don't think it should

matter but one needs to go into it with their eyes open and aware what the future may hold. I work in a retirement/assisted living/nursing center. Aging gets very difficult to watch and deal with at some point. Even tho none of us are promised another day and your older partner could out live you, chances are that if the relationship is long term, you will eventually have things to deal with that people don't consider at this stage of the game.

Aside from the purely physical as mentioned above, I think it depends on your age and maturity level, too. I have seen very young girls in relationships with older men for reasons, on both sides, that don't make for a good relationship. I was one myself and wasted many years in a bad relationship with someone older that was not in the least a healthy one for me. I didn't know any better at that age; he should have but was very selfish.

Just make sure you have a good idea of what you want and don't want in life before you proceed.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

10. My SO is 18 years older than me.

We've connected better than we have with anyone else. The age thing is not an issue with us and we plan on getting married once we're settled in together.

So basically, it's all about that connection. If you have that, the age doesn't matter.

[Poiuyt]

11. It shouldn't, but it does. Agism is the only form of bigotry that's still accepted by

society. People will be whispering about you, saying how shocking it is. You will be accused of being a golddigger and he will be accused of looking for arm candy. I say ignore society. There was a time when it was unacceptable for Jews to marry Christians, or blacks to marry whites. Do what feels right in your heart. Out of all the factors that are important in relationships, age is VERY minor.

[Rabrrrrrr]

22. Bigotry against fat people is still acceptable, too.

Otherwise, you are totally correct!

:applause:

[Poiuyt]

24. You're right, I should have said bigotry in relationships

I was referring to the way that society looks at two people in a relationship. I think society thinks that two people in a relationship with a large age difference is more scandalous than two people in a relationship who are overweight. There had been a time where a relationship with two different races would have been taboo, and it might still be to some people, but it is no longer politically correct to say so. But I think that with age different relationships it's still acceptable to condemn them.

You're definitely right about bigotry and discrimination against fat people though. I think individuals are discriminated against for a variety of reasons: age, weight, race, height, etc, etc. I could be the greatest guy in the world, but if I asked out a 25 year old woman, the chance of getting shot down because I'm over 50 would be pretty darn good. And society would applaud her for it. I think that's the point I was trying to make.

[XemaSab]

26. Society would also say you were gross for asking out women half your age

:shrug:

[unpossibles]

12. as long as you both have similar interests, not completely

although it obviously depends. I am 8 1/2 years older than my wife. Honestly, I don't think I would have asked her out if I had known that - we both thought we were around the same age, more or less in the middle - and I doubt she would have accepted, but you never know.

We just celebrated our 8th anniversary Friday (4 of which have been married) and while we have the occasional disagreement or get annoyed with each other like any 2 people, we are great friends and get along really well 99% of the time.

Honestly, she was fairly mature for her age when we met (we were both adults), and I was fairly immature, so it worked out. Every now and then we chuckle about the differences growing up. Like she'll mention some movie or song she liked as a kid that came out when I was in college.... But for the most part we don't even think about it.

[realisticphish]

13. not in this case, no

imho, age distance shouldn't factor into whether a relationship is acceptable or not. It's also one reason I'm always irritated when people make assumptions about middle-aged men dating younger women.

[alarimer]

14. For me it does

I am not interested in anyone more than 10 years older than me or more than about 5 years younger. It has to do with commonality of interests. I find some older guys to be, well, OLD. And it creeps me out to date someone close to my Dad's age. EWWW. Plus I need someone to keep up with me, if you know what I mean. Maybe younger is best for that but I haven't found anyone much younger than me who was mature enough.

[sammythecat]

15. I think a book on relationships could easily include

an entire chapter devoted to this situation. There is much to be said and to think about.

Let me just expand a little on something Monkeyfunk brought up. 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Of the remaining 50% a certain number are not very happy, let's say 10%. That leaves the "average" couple with a 2 in 5 chance (40%) of having a long and happy relationship. Not too bad, but the odds do favor the house.

Now, throw in a generation gap (20+ yrs) and you introduce an additional obstacle that favors the house. I don't think 10% would be unreasonable. Now we're left with roughly a 1 in 3 chance (30%) for a long and happy relationship, and in this case "long" is relative.

So, in the best of circumstances, entering into a marriage is a gamble. A generation gap increases the risk somewhat. If two mature and reasonably intelligent individuals consider the risk and likely challenges, and then decide to go for it, I wish them all the best. They are bucking the odds but there ARE winners in this game, and the prize is one of the best that can be had.

Having said all that, I do think two people in love is one of the closest things in nature to the proverbial "irresistible force".

[sammythecat]

18. I want to make a little amendment to my reply

If I may be a little blunt:

If two uncommitted adults just want to fuck, then, by all means, go ahead and fuck. :evilgrin:

It's gonna happen anyway!

[HEyHEY]

16. Just remember they will die way before you.

[sammythecat]

19. Right,

and experience the negative effects of age way before as well.

[qwertyMike]

17. Yes

I was 40 - she was 23.
We had 2 wonderful children together - she left 15 years ago

My Kids are 18 and 20 and they love me.

Last week she told me she loved me - after 15 years.
I hung up and went into therapy.
Go figger

[Rabrrrrrr]

20. Depends on if you want a relationship of love, or just have kids.

IF the only goal is having kids, then find someone who can have kids.

If the goal is to find a soulmate with which one can connect on a deep level, then go do that - age is irrelevant.

I think if more people would look for a lovemate first, child-bearer second, we might be a better world. That is, instead of looking for someone with whom to have children, look for someone to love. And then, if children enter into the equation, that's cool.

If all a person wants is kids, then eschew the relationship and adopt or find a child by other means.

[graywarrior]

21. In my head, it's all good.

I live in my head alot.

[UTUSN]

23. Focusing, first, on the GENERAL question: Darn tootin' it does!!1

Ah, if only I were the AVERAGE AGE or younger of DUers!!1 There are no more do-overs. Soon it will be time to settle for achieving that ONE or TWO lifelong dreams, then POOF!!1

But as for the realtionship situation in the o.p. of May-December: Until recent years, I was REPELLED by such, on the ASSUMPTIONS that it was GROSS and that there had to be some golddigger angle to it. Then with AGE and loss of LOOKS, profound sadness ensues at the thought that one can SEE and desire GORGEOUS things and be on the GROSS end of the spectrum.

But really, if BOTH are truly and totally comprehending of all the different angles, it's nobody else's business. As with some OTHER situations: That's what DARK is for.

[Truthiness Inspector]

25. Thank you everyone for the thoughtful replies

And I'm sorry it took me so long to say so. Part of me says "why not" and the other part is looking down the road at the longevity issue, again, realizing I could be the one to check out first unexpectedly.

Disapproving/judgmental looks from strangers don't and probably will never bother me. He's been a very good friend of mine for 10 years, always with that "forbidden" attraction, and really, it was the age thing that held me back.

I'm just trying to be realistic and think it through before going beyond the point of no return.

Thanks again, all of you, and your replies gave me a lot to think about.