I need some help with something here....

[Occulus]

I've posted on this before, but it just keeps eating away at me inside. I'm in therapy; it's not really doing all that much good.

I just posted this at http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=653059 but I felt it deserved its own thread. I quite simply don't know how to deal with all of this. Mostly, I just want to know why. While I doubt that that question will ever be answered, I can at least ask you all for your input. Here goes...

In 1994 my mom found out about my homosexuality. My father was out of town. She had asked me if I was gay a couple times prior to this, always with an attitude inherent in the tone of the question that left me knowing she would have punishments for me if I said yes.

I always told her no, and today I maintain that if one needs to ask if their parents are ready to know, then they most certainly are not ready. But that's neither here nor there.

I got home from work at about 8:30 in the evening; it was just starting to rain. I asked her how her day was, and she told me it wasn't very good and would I please wait for her in my bedroom while she used the toilet. I went in, and found all of my (soft-core) porn I'd deeply hidden at the bottom of the drawers under my bed, under a big pile of papers and such, laid out all over my bedroom floor like an accusation.

I lost my home that night. My own mother booted me out into the rain with nothing but a change of clothes, my oboe (I was a musician at the time), and my bike. I had the pleasure of not only losing literally everything I had, but of not being allowed to take my car into town to find a place to stay.

So I biked. In the dark, in the rain, down a country road where many people have been killed by their driving. I very nearly laid down in the street and waited to be killed by the next driver that happened along.

Once I did get into town (and I really don't remember much more about the journey than what I wrote above), I stayed at the home of a store manager where I- and my mom- both worked. He was kind enough to stay up with me all night long, drinking and talking. And believe me, I needed a drink, or a bottle.

The next day I went back to work, and then moved to where I live now. I didn't attend classes for about two weeks- hell, I barely left the bedroom of the apartment my friend here allowed me to use during that time. No family member ever bothered to find out or try to during that time whether I was even still alive.

My grades, predictably, fell. After a year, I moved in with another friend of mine, and after that year, I found myself homeless (please be aware, I'm leaving out a LOT for brevity's sake). My father helped me pack my possessions- one whole single room's worth- into a storage facility.

He knew I had nowhere to go. He knew I was homeless. He left me there.

Over the next couple weeks, I stayed in friends' dorm rooms (at considerable danger to their own dorm status, I might add... they could have lost their room, had I been discovered), under trees on campus, etc. It was, thankfully, the beginning of a semester, as I recall; I was able to drop most of my classes so I could concentrate on simply staying alive.

My GPA had dropped from 3.85 at high school graduation to, by this point, below a 2.5. I had almost failed Econ 101 and Phil 101; this caused my parents to threaten me with yanking out the half of my college they were paying for should I slip any further.

About this time, in desperation, I went back to live with the same people who had nearly destroyed me. Then, they finished the job. They told me my grades had fallen too far (without ever telling me exactly how far 'too far' was), and, so sorry, but they weren't going to waste their money any more. I asked if I could just retake the classes I had done badly in; they told me it was a waste of their money.

So, the dream I once had of being a simple high school band director turned into ashes and floated down into the dirt. I've never been back to school, and I'm just no longer interested in having anything at all to do with music.

Oh, one final thing. I was, according to my high school music instructors, the single best musician to have gone through the school system in their memory.

Did I mention my parents told me- after all this had happened- that they almost started me on the Suzuki Method for Violin at the age of five, but thought it would be too much for me to handle?

I marched drum corps in 1994 with the Madison Scouts. I was cut from the corps (first time ever spinning a flag, hey, at least I got in, right?) and sent packing; my parents didn't even have the common decency to come to Wisconsin and pick me up; they relied on the parents of a friend of mine who was also there to drive me back. My parents never saw us perform, and in fact refused to try to attend a show because they were just too damn busy. For an entire summer.

Yes, they both were/are ReThugs. Oh, and I hate my mom with a burning passion to this very day. I'll be glad when she's gone, because I feel I won't be able to get on with my life until she's in the ground. And I don't plan on shedding a tear at her funeral; I may not even go.

I have a great deal of hatred for both of my parents, and let me tell you, having been adopted as well, I can truly say that I have been abandoned and rejected by literally everyone that has ever "supposed" to have loved me. I think I'm justified in feeling that way.

One last thing: I recently found out, after 28 years of life, that my adoption records are NOT sealed, as my parents had led me to believe the whole time. Both myself and my sister are adopted; my sister just recently discovered that her adopted mom tried to contact her when she was 14 (she's 24 now), and "beloved" adoptive mom hid that from her. Again, mom believed that my sister just wouldn't be able to handle it.

I've been personally and professionally destroyed by them (and that before I was ever a 'professional' teacher). These two people made damn fucking sure my dreams barely even got off the ground. They gave me a taste, waved the cake in my face, yanked it away, and proceeded to buy themselves a Lincoln Town Car.

And they paid cash. After pleading poverty.

(end of my post, slightly edited, from the referenced thread above)

So I ask you, DUers, WHAT HAPPENED?? How? Why? Did these people ever love me even a little bit?

What would cause a parent to tell her child that the reason he's getting picked on in school so much is because he doesn't like doing what the other kids do, and if he's going to be different he'll just have to learn to put up with it? What kind of parents tell their child that they should just "ignore it and it'll stop?"

What sort of parents leave their own kid homeless? What kind of people throw a kid like me, who had never been in trouble- EVER- in school or with the law, who graduated 13th in his class, both NHS cords, on his way to college and a bright future, a career he was passionate about and talented in.... what kind of parents do these things?

I feel abused, neglected, shortchanged, rejected, and abandoned. I feel as though my insides have been ripped apart. Every day I wake up and I'm reminded, by the very place and way I live now, of what happened. I can't escape it, I can't forget it, and for almost a decade I've been trying still to deal with what they did to me. I fear I'll never be able to get past it.

I've totally lost any self-confidence I ever had. I went from being able to get up in front of thousands and perform to not even wanting to go out to the bar after work. Sure, some of that is my own fault, but DAMN.... how deep into the ground can a parent beat their kid?

If you want to be critical of me for handling or mishandling the situation as the case may be... I know all too well that there are things I could have done, but that's hindsight, and you really must understand that they put me into a survival mindset, where I could do nothing but react instead of act. There are indeed some things I could still do for myself regarding education. The problem is, I still feel too beaten to do much of anything for myself regarding desires in my own life. I truly don't know what to do.

I swear, this is the past time I'm going to post on this subject, and I'd like this thread to become something of a repository for all those who went through or are going through the same kinds of things I did. But mostly, I just want to know why.

Does anyone have any ideas?

[Nikia]

1. It is not your fault what they did to you

I know that this can be hard to really accept, but it isn't your fault. You have to let go of any anger towards yourself. I don't know if they are really malicious or have trouble dealing with their own insecurities and caused you to suffer as a result. Parents are suppose to be the mature, responsible ones. Even if you did not react in the best way, you were and still are a young adult.
I am a little confused from your post about where you are right now. Do you have any friends or other people who you trust? Have you tried to find your birth parent(s) since you found out that your adoption records were not sealed. If you have people in your life who do care about you, rely on them. Even if you do not, self esteem is not a public opinion poll. I hope that you are still playing music. If you are, you still have that.
When you have gotten your life together a bit more, you can consider forgiving them if that's what you want.
Dealing with disapproving, hurtful parents is difficult. Unfortunately, I know. Even when you are strong, their criticism can hurt more than anything even if you have decided that they are wrong.
Family is suppose to love and care for us. They are suppose to help us, not tear us down. If they hurt rather than helped you, it is their faliure as parents, not your faliure as a person.
Good luck in your pursuits. If you don't want to see or talk to them for a while or forever that is up to you.

[Occulus]

2. I was more wondering

why it all happened. It's been very, very hard to not be angry with myself. One thing I didn't write is that these were the only people that didn't beat me down, in one way or another, until that point.

I have a few- a very few- close friends, all of whom are several years younger than I. I live in a 'college' apartment complex (close to campus) so I guess that's to be expected.

The problem is that all of the people who knew me, who I was close to... well, they were the ones I got torn away from when all this went down. First, all my friends from high school, when I got booted out the first time; then, all my friends in college, when I left school. Then, when I got the job I have now, I started working nights without weekends off, so I had to do it a third time. I've really had very, very few to take this to, and all they seem to be able to see is that ten years have passed and little has changed.

I've pretty much given music up. I still compose, a bit (I've been writing since I was thirteen or so, which my parents also found unremarkable), but I doubt I'll ever perform in public again. All rehearsals and concerts are at night, and I work nights. I don't have the ability to take every Thursday off for rehearsal, and I can't guarantee that I would get each one off if I *did* ask for it. A schedule change is completely out of the question... I work for USPS, and they're utterly inflexible when it comes to piddly things like, oh, actually having a life.

As for this being an opinion poll on self-estemm, well, that's not what I'm asking for. All I really want are possible explanations.

I really doubt the issue will ever be settled to the point that I can put it behind me.

[Lars39]

8. Possible explanations:

They are f@cked up control freaks who should never have been parents. Their *love* was very conditional. You might very well have *displeased* them in some other way and the results would have been the same; who knows?

Ten years is an awful long time to drift along with this hanging over your head. Have you ever been to someone you could really explore this in depth with, talk yourself out?

[Occulus]

9. to do that

would take years. Really.

As for them being control freaks, well... example: once, when I was sixteen, I was out riding my bike. My mom found me with her car and told me work had called and she'd volunteered me to go in. Without ever asking me.

Another time, when we were both working in the same store, they were handing out paychecks. She took mine, with my name on it, and refused to give it to me. When I went to the manager, and he made her give it to me, she threw it at me, and got angry at me.

Yes, being in control of every little thing relating to my life was definitely part of the problem.

Did I mention she once gave me an IOU as a birthday gift? And still hasn't come through on that, years and years later?

The IOU was to get the piano tuned. She now says I must move it to my house (whic I can't afford to do) before she'll get it tuned.

[Lars39]

13. Well, you've got years ahead of you.

The time will pass whether you are at peace or not, and peace of mind is a very desired state.

Your mom sounds very controlling. You're still in touch with her? That might not be in your best interests. Some people are just too toxic to be around, to let them mess with your mind anymore. Just my 2 centavos and a big hug, 'cause I know this has got to be painful to talk about.

[Rainbowreflect]

3. You do not deserve the way you have been treated.

I am sure you will not believe this now, but you are young & have your whole life ahead of you. Do not allow these mean, sad, hateful people to tarnish what can be.
I heard a toast the other day that I would like to pass on to you.
May the best day of your past be the worst day of you future.
Get what ever help you need to move beyond this and keep believing in yourself because you are worth it.

On edit: I gave a child up for adoption and would love for him to try and find me. So if it is something you want give it a shot.

[laura888]

4. my only advice would be to try to make your own life...

...recently, I also had to confront my father, whom I thought was a very negligent father, who did not really care about me. My mother abandoned the family when I was 10.

I had to confront the question that faced me head on: what if my father did't really care about me? how does that affect the rest of my life?

The answer I came up with was that he was just as much a wounded child as I felt I was - due to his circumstances in life.

To move forward in life, I would need to come up with my own definition of what is important in this world. To try to understand, in my own way : how do I relate to the world and the people in it? How do I make close connections to others? what am I meant to do in this life?

Not so easy to do... but after 25+ years of beating my head against the wall, I feel this is a solid recourse.

You didn't say how old you were... surely in time, a solution will become clearer...

[Occulus]

5. I'm 28. This all started when I was 19.

I still don't feel any more 'healed' than the day it started. Everything I look at reminds me that what I have isn't what I should have had.

Who knows? Maybe it was for the best. I can't know that if I had gotten the job I wanted, I wouldn't have ended up dead. Fate does make some interesting twists; it's very possible that the result of all of this is that I'm alive, where the path I had chosen for myself would have ended in my own demise.

But that's a thin and somewhat sad self-justification, because I don't really know either way.

[laura888]

7. one thing that has helped me is to try to talk about what happened...

...a lot.

Well, you have to choose who you tell. But telling it often seems to lessen the impact, and you can slowly even begin to be able to laugh at what seems at the moment to be deadly serious stuff. Believe me, I'm almost 40 and still having trouble, but I'm getting there. I see some progress.

yeah, what they did will affect you, but you can also start to choose HOW MUCH you choose to let it affect you.

Remember, your life is a gift - you can choose how you live it - way beyond what your parents leave you with. Don't let their actions have claim over you.

It's not easy. Keep your chin up.

[Dirty Hippie]

6. I was also rejected by my parents

My father was never around and my mother moved to another city when I was sixteen and left me behind.

I won't go into any more detail, but I suffered as you do. I thought I was a piece of shit. At the tender age of nineteen I had a child and realized that it really was my parents fault. Once I had my own child I realized they had to be seriously messed up to reject me.

The self-loathing seemed to dissipate although the pain and grief continued.

I don't recommend that you have a child, of course but somehow you need believe, really believe, that it was not your fault.

My heart goes out to you. Feel free to PM me if you wish.

[Dirty Hippie]

10. One more thing

I'm not in the mental health field but I believe people who are incapable of seeing the pain their actions cause others are said to have a character disorder.

Trying to understand why a person with a character disorder does the things he or she does is like trying to imagine a color that does not exist. Impossible and a waste of time.

You may want to check out a book called "People of the Lie" by Scott Peck. The book answered many questions for me related to people in my life that caused me tremendous pain.

Now that I am older, I've learned to not allow these people in my life.

[Occulus]

11. It's one thing to choose not to

associate with people like that, but it's quite another to be brought up by them.

I honestly don't understand why I'm not a totally uncompassionate, self-centered, I've-got-mine-so-fuck-you person. I don't really know why I didn't end up like them.

The only answer to that part I can come up with is that I never was like either of them to begin with.

edit: I'm going to get ready for work now; I'll bookmark this thread and return at 1:20 AM. Thank you, everyone, and keep offering suggestions. I really could use advice on this.

[Dirty Hippie]

12. that is true

and one of the cruel realities of being a child. But you can take some comfort in the fact that as an adult you can choose who you associate with.

Get the book. I promise it will answer you questions.

[SOteric]

14. I cannot answer whether your adoptive parents loved you.

I can only assure you that you deserved to have been loved. :hug:

It does not appear on the face of it that that has happened to you.

I have a wonderful family filled with people who love me. Some days I wish I could push a magic button and pull people like you into our childhood at just the point in your lives when you needed it most.

[Odessey]

15. Time to move on

My dad pretty much abandoned us when I was small. When he did come back, all he did was criticize and insult me. He made me feel worthless and useless. He compared me to everybody else's kids. ("Why don't you lose weight", "so-and-so's daughter is so pretty", etc). You know what? I made up my mind that I didn't have to take it to heart. It was HIS problem - not mine. Rather than move out, set myself up for failure and try to make it on my own, I decided to stick it out at home and I found my own way of doing things, I was discouraged from going to college. I applied for loans on my own and went anyway. I studied on campus and then worked part-time. I was just a boarder in my home - using it as a stopping place until I graduated. I graduated and made a life of my own. You have to do the same thing. First thing to do is to drop the bitterness and FORGIVE. You will only destroy yourself with the hatred. Second, stop blaming. You are an adult and you can take control of your own life. I understand that you feel abandoned and cast away by your parents. We all need to know our parents love us. It hurts when that love and approval is not there, but if they cannot accept you for you, then you have to go on. You have to accept yourself. Someday, you and they will come to an understanding. Don't forget, they probably hurt too.
I forgave my dad. I buried him several years ago. I'm glad I made my peace. You forgive, then go on. Take control of your own life as an individual. God luck and God Bless.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

16. Reading your post makes me wish

I was your mom...

This is precisely the kind of situation I imagine gay-bashers being in when I hear them spouting off. I want to shake them and say, "What if your child is gay? Surely you couldn't hate your own child?!"

But I guess that's the nature of this kind of ignorance...It's so blinding. Your anger and resentment are understandable, and I don't think you should ignore those feelings.

A book that's been of tremendous spiritual comfort to me is Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart". She helps guide the reader to a place where they can accept their negative feelings and cherish them without guilt. Though it probably wouldn't eliminate the anger you feel toward your adopted parents; this book might help you accept what's happened to you in a healthier way, and bring you closer to understanding of their ignorance.

As a professional musician, I'm deeply touched by the fact that you no longer feel interested in something that was, at one time anyway, so dear to your heart. I wonder if this isn't because you are afraid to show your pain via the most natural outlet for you. My violin is the first place I turn to find solace. I hope you find it in your heart to play again...not to be the best, or to have a dream; but for you.

~hugs, hugs, and more hugs~