I hate that I don't trust my own judgment

[MissMillie]

but I don't. Years and years of bad choices....

and yes, I'm talking relationships here.


Two years ago I was dating this guy and he disappears. No, not literally, but he went from one night talking about going away for a weekend to not calling at all. I called him a couple of times, but all I ever got out of him was that he was really busy.

Turns out that he was seeing someone else. There was this woman who he had dated before--I guess a couple of times--and he was giving her another chance.

The good news was that he and I had not reached a "serious" level in the relationship (frankly I had been taken aback at bit by the suggestion of a weekend away because we hadn't even talked about sex yet). But to be honest, it hurt that he couldn't be honest w/ me about what was happening. I had to find out from someone else.

Now he's back, and he's telling me he wants to try again.

When he was with me, he was very good to me. He treated me with respect, and was considerate about the things I liked to do. He had a way of making me feel very good about myself. And he didn't rush me into anything, knowing that I've been burned and that it takes time for me to let someone in.

I have told him about how I felt when he left, and the only thing he ever said about it was (seriously) "I didn't disappear."

Part of me wants to give him another chance, but I worry that he doesn't know how to communicate very well. I'm worried that his inability to talk will hurt me again. Maybe he felt since we weren't serious that he didn't owe me an explanation...? But then again, he had been talking about going away together....?

(Not to mention the fact that I wonder what will happen if this woman decides to invite him back into her life again...)

:shrug: What do I do?

[LeftyFingerPop]

1. be careful...

If he can't or won't tell you why he disappeared, he is discounting your feelings and thinking only of himself. Just my opinion. :hi:

[LaurenG]

2. Listen to the part of you who "knows" this is one is not trustworthy.

I get a bad feeling abut the motives of those who are suddenly back and want to try again after departure and then comment "I didn't disappear."

That's utter bs, he did disappear and now he wants to pretend it's all good. I get bad vibes about this. Sorry :hug:

[Hong Kong Cavalier]

3. I had almost the same thing happen to me...

Started dating this woman: intelligent, fun to spend time with, similar interests...
Also didn't rush me, either; knowing I've been burned before, I wasn't willing to dive head-first into the flames of a relationship again.
Then she became too "busy" to even return phone calls. And she disappeared, too. For months at a time.
She had almost the same reaction that he did: "I didn't disappear"

I'm not kidding; this happened to me, too.

I'd walk away.

[Sanity Claws]

4. Don't see him

What happens early in the relationship sets its tone or dynamic.
If you start seeing him again, he will think it's okay to treat you like this. It's not.
Don't put any energy in hating him or avoiding him or having any kind of reaction to him. That takes away from you. If you run into him, be pleasant as you would with any stranger but don't let him into your life.

[Sanity Claws]

5. I reread your message and see it's been TWO YEARS!!

And he claims he did not disappear. He's beyond redemption.

[MissMillie]

6. I've seen him since then

just not romantically

[Sanity Claws]

7. That changes things in my mind

Enough time has gone by that there is no set dynamic between the two of you. You may be able to set a better dynamic this time around.
How did he treat you when you saw him during those two years? Did he give you any hints as to why he never called?
I'm starting to see why you are considering going out with him again.

[MissMillie]

14. During those 2 years,

he was friendly, warm and civil. At one point, he was flirtatious, but I made it clear that given our history that it was not easy for me to trust him. I told him that I don't hold grudges, but that because he knew I was being cautious to begin with, and that he didn't trust me to tell me what was going on, that I was even MORE cautious now. He didn't force the issue.

I guess I wish I could just hear him say, "I'm sorry." I can understand that he was wrestling with his feelings for a woman from his past. I don't understand why HE couldn't tell me that. He let me find out from mutual friends.

I think he has learned his lesson about this other woman. I believe that he really does know that she was just jerking him around. I told him the other night that I was not going to let him do that to me. He said that he would NEVER do that to me. And I believe that. I believe that what happened to him hurt so much that he wouldn't do that to anyone--certainly not for me.

I don't expect him to give me a guarantee that everything will work out between us. I just wish I could know that if ever there were something I needed to know, that he wouldn't leave it for me to find out elsewhere. I need to know that he's going to talk to me, even if it means he may have to tell me something that will hurt.

[chemenger]

10. Are you saying this because, deep down, you want to give him another chance?

If so, just remember, fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, ... ah ... ah, can't fool me again.

[EstimatedProphet]

8. There must be something about the guy's personality that you find attractive

and since you say years and years of bad choices, I'm assuming that this is not the first time it's happened to you.

For years and years, I also was alays attracted to women who wouldn't treat me with respect. They liked to get my emotions involved, then suddenly turn around and act like nothing was going on; I'd be left holding the bag while they bounced off to play another sucker. It took me a long time to be able to recognize that I kept running into them because on some level I was attracted to their personality. When I began to recognize what I was seeing as attractive, and what it related to in the way they treated me, I was able to make more intelligent choices. Now I have a real partner, and I never would have been able to before.

If this is an ongoing thing with you, start to ask yourself what you find attractive about these men. Ask in detail too - be specific. You may, after asking a lot of questions, see a trend, and you might be able to avoid men like this again.

[TheProphetess]

9. "When people show you who they are, believe them"

Trust the great words of Maya Angelou.

He has shown you who he is, so believe him and don't let him do that to you again. Love and trust yourself. :hug:

[skygazer]

11. I know what I'd do

I'd tell him to get lost.

He sounds like one of those people who has no idea what he wants. Too much talk of "second chances." He wanted to give this other woman a "second chance." Now he wants you to give him one.

It reminds me of those people who are never happy with what they have - they need to see if they can get what they don't have.

I would steer clear of him myself. Oh, and if he felt he didn't owe you an explanation because you two "weren't serious," then he's a jerk, too. Of course he owed you an explanation.

[Orsino]

12. You don't deserve to be a second choice...

...or a third or fourth. He's been away for a couple of years. If he wants to rebuild trust, it wouldn't hurt him to spend a couple more becoming your friend again.

[Redbear]

13. You deserve better than that.

Whether you call it "disappearing" or not, he quit calling with no regard for your feelings and he refuses to acknowledge and validate your feelings even now.


Does anything give you the idea that he is somehow a different person than he was then?