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Edited on Wed Jun-20-07 11:29 AM by Deep13
I just watched season 4 of Penn & Teller's Bullshit. One of the subjects was formalized manners, especially table manners. Stuff like never touch your nose, never put your hand under the table, a bunch of other stuff I can't even remember. They did not mention farting at the table, but my guess is it is right out. P&T concluded by saying that consideration for others is what matters, not formalized etiquette.
With that in mind, what are the modern rules for practical etiquette? Here are some examples.
A perfunctory kiss is an appropriate greeting for female dinner guests. Feeling-up should be reserved for a close friend or coworker.
If a gun-fight breaks out at a poker game, always shoot the player to your left.
When performing a tracheotomy, always start with the knife furthest from the plate.
Remember, use a small fork for salad, a spoon for soup and a pooper-scooper for Bill O'Reilly.
If you are Jewish, make sure you tell everyone you are a holocaust surviver even is you were born in the 1980s.
If you mistakenly use foul language in mixed company, quickly blame it on Tourette’s.
Get some background information of the guest list before the event so you know which ethnic jokes are off limits.
If you are unsure of which expensive, luxury car to take to an event, then go cry on someone else's shoulder.
Make sure that bread stick is not actually Calista Flockart.
Do not refer to the Palmer All-Fruit as "jelly."
Remember, the dinner table is for eating dinner, not pussy.
Do you have an unusual ring tone on your cellular telephone? Good. Make sure everyone can hear it.
At a formal function, tattoos should be hidden, especially the one on your face that reads "white power."
Small forks and knives get set away from the plate while socket wrenches get set close to the plate. Power tools must be left on the sideboard.
At a fancy dinner be sure to express appreciation for all of the rare and unusual delicacies your host has provided no matter how fucking gross they are.
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