I think it's conventional wisdom to rid yourself of relationships that are not healthy for you

[MissMillie]

So... what do you do when that relationship is with your child?

I love him more than... anything and everything and all that lies between.

His behavior in the last 2 years is unbearable. I even moved out into my own place because I couldn't watch his self-destruction anymore.

Despite this, when he has needed my help, I have tried to be there for him.

It is now becoming clear to me that the more I do to help (and my family tries to help) the less he is willing to do to help himself.

I had requested that he come to dinner once a week... now, it just makes me feel bad. I feel like the last 20 years of my life have all been for nothing. He is not what I raised him to be. He emulates very few of the values I tried to instill in him.

If I let him go, what does that say about me as a parent? I never thought there would be anything my kid could do drive me away... but he refuses to take any responsibility for himself.

I love him. I'll always love him. But I can't live with him.

What can I do?

[seemunkee]

1. No answers

:hug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

2. what are his behaviors?

[MissMillie]

6. He's probably about a month away from getting evicted

He had a scholarship. He signed up for school and then consistently missed class and failed. He lost his scholarship.

He was given a VERY large sum of money from his Dad's life insurance policy. It's gone. All of it. The only thing he has to show for it is the used car he bought--which is now not running.

I left officially on March 1. Since then he has not paid his own rent once (wait, I take that back... he paid it once because he had to sell his 2 expensive guitars and an amp (at half of what he paid for them) to do it).

Oil was delivered just before I left and I told him that since I wasn't living there I wasn't going to pay the oil bill. It's still not paid and it's in my name. He ran out of oil over a month ago, so now he has no hot water.

His cable has been turned off because he hasn't paid his bill.

I had owed him a little money so last month I took out a loan so that I could pay it back. I figured he could pay the oil bill (he said he would) and that he would use the rest to move into a cheaper apartment. The oil bill is not paid. He has not moved. He did not get his car fixed. The cable is turned off. Somehow, there is no money left.

Mind you, he's working. He's not making a lot of money, but what he earns should pay his share of the rent (he had some friends move in with him).

I had been letting him borrow my car since his was out of commission. The other night when he borrowed it, he smoked in it. Now, I know that 7 miles (10 minutes) is a LONG time to go without a cigarette :sarcasm: but I figure it's easier to go 10 minutes without lighting up than it is to walk 7 miles. Apparently not. My car smells like an ashtray.

So not only is he not taking care of himself, but when he gets help from those of us who have been good enough to give it, he takes it forgranted and he stomps all over our feelings.

I swear to god... this isn't my kid. The Body Snatchers have gotten him.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

7. would he go to therapy? he sounds depressed to me.

[TheProphetess]

11. Couseling is a good idea but also you need to take care of yourself

I have two sisters and I have had to watch my parents get treated like termites by my oldest sister. It is painful to watch and I hope and pray that someday she will get back all that is coming to her (she's a horrible, horrible person). It has gotten to the point where I have cut off my relationship with her. She is beyond anything you have ever seen or could imagine.

That said, your son doesn't sound like a horrible person; he sounds lazy. Forgive me if I'm totally wrong here, but it sounds like his biggest problem is that he knows eventually he'll get bailed out in one way or another. For instance, you gave him your living space and he abused it. You loaned him your car and he abused it. You took out a loan to pay him back money that you thought he'd spend to pay the oil bill and find a cheaper apartment, but he didn't. What you have to do is set up very clearly defined boundaries and stick to them (no matter what).

First, put everything in his name (the oil bill that isn't getting paid should not be in your name or else it becomes your responsibility) or get rid of it (the cable is taken care of already, but anything else, get rid of). Is the house in your name? How does he get away with not paying rent and not getting evicted? Let him be forced into a cheap apartment that he and his friends can afford (i.e., don't pay his rent, and if he pays rent to you, don't let him get away without paying - evict him for his own sake). That tough love thing can actually work if it's done for the right reasons and with love as the intention.

Second, no more loaning him the car or doing little favors for him. Make him grow up and find ways to solve his problems (without your help). This is really hard, especially for a loving mother like you. But, you must do it to save him and to save yourself.

Third, tell him that you are doing these things out of love. Make it very explicit that you want to help (but will NOT) and that you are not helping because you love him. He will come back to you a better person for having to learn how to be a responsible adult. It's a hard lesson but it sounds like you know it's time for him to learn it.

Good luck to you. :hug: It's a very hard thing to deal with but you can do it.

[KitchenWitch]

3. You need to be strong and take care of you

Let the consequences of his irresponsibility catch up with him (and it will). He may be pissed and resent you, but he will no longer be dragging you down with him.

Perhaps after he has learned some hard lessons, he will learn to appreciated all that you did do for him, even the letting him go part. (Trust me, my parents had to do something similar for me, and today I have a really good relationship with them - because of the tough love).

[LostinVA]

4. Is family counseling an option for you?

[kay1864]

5. My thought exactly

Or even just counseling for yourself, if he won't go.

[LostinVA]

10. Exactly -- it'll work or it won't

And, if it doesn't, MissMillie will know that she tried everything -- and maybe her son will realize that.

Some people just need to have a third party talk to them about stuff, or even just mediate.

[huskerlaw]

8. If you've tried to help him

or get him help and he's not responding to it, there's really nothing more you can do. Some people just have to figure out their mistakes by themselves.

As background, my oldest sister used to have a drug problem. My parents tried everything...counseling, rehab, etc. But it didn't work until SHE was ready for it to work and in the meantime, my parents had to do the tough love thing. She resented the hell out of it at the time, I assure you. But now that she has cleaned up her act (over 15 years drug-free) and started a family of her own, she and my parents are extremely close. She understands now why they did what they did.

You can't let anyone walk all over you, including your own child. And if your "help" is in any way enabling his behavior, you're actually harming, rather than helping him in the long run.

[Gormy Cuss]

9. Ridding your self of this relationship doesn't mean ridding yourself of any relationship with him.

I concur with others -- consider counseling to help you sort it out. Define a new relationship with him as an adult who although very different from you is still someone you want to enjoy seeing. That may mean not seeing him as frequently for a while and not helping him out as much or it may mean an entirely new outlook. That's why counseling may help.

[skygazer]

12. I think what you need to do is CHANGE the relationship

You're a mom. You want to help your kid. But it sounds like he's just taking advantage of that and you're wearing yourself out worrying about it.

Change the relationship. He's an adult. He shouldn't need you to help him or hold his hand. Let him flounder - it will do him good. And I say that as someone who has floundered plenty in my life - you learn a lot more from failure than you do from success and he needs to learn a few hard lessons.

Don't let him take your car or anything else of yours. Don't give him money or help. Don't let him keep anything in your name. Let him live his life. Don't insist he come to dinner. Don't worry about it.

Give him a call once in a while. Ask him how he's doing. Don't let him talk you into anything but don't drop him entirely. Who knows, maybe eventually he'll learn to respect you for it.

[LostinVA]

13. Good idea -- and something I bet a counselor would tell her, too!

[WritingIsMyReligion]

14. It doesn't say anything about you as a parent.

After a while I don't think your child can honestly reflect who YOU are. Maybe when that kid is five or six, but when he's 20? Naaah, that's not particularly you. 20-year-olds are adults, even though legend has it they're still fools, and unless you've intentionally raised him to be a serial killer or something, it's not your fault.

:hug: