Serious question about being self-conscious and going to social events.

[Deja Q]

The stylist cut my hair too short. :cry:

Since I pick up on derisive comments fairly quickly, should I risk going to a lounge restaurant tonight? I'd rather not get scared away, my counselor keeps telling me I need to go out more... :D

[wildhorses]

1. are you sure it is too short?

i think a pic is required before i can make an assessment :hi:

[AlCzervik]

2. -----

[Writer]

3. here's a boogogoo good (sorory) chance to go aout and prove to yourself...

that you're turly occonfiddent in yourself depsite what you may htink! (only thinkw1) others may thihnk of you.

[CBHagman]

4. I remember once when I went out to a bar...

...and looked around the room and realized with a shock that some people looked as uncomfortable as I felt. It changed my perspective.

It's still hard to get out there, but I realize a lot of other people feel the same way. If I'd only focused on getting to know them, I'd have saved a lot of trouble!

As for anyone making an unkind remark to you, HypnoToad, well, that reflects more on them than it does on you! So I hope you will go and have fun and consider it an adventure.

By the way, we missed you here at DU. :hi:

[Fire Walk With Me]

5. Here is your good advice.

http://www.pixar.com/shorts/bdn/index.html

[philosophie_en_rose]

6. (((Hug)))

:pals:

You are beautiful! Anyone that makes derisive comments about your appearance is beneath you.

Plus, keep in mind that they're only making those comments because they fear you'll seduce the objects of their affection. :P

[flvegan]

7. Give us a pic, we'll build you up

I'm sure you look great.

[Flaxbee]

8. I know it's easy for me to say, but who gives a flying fuck what

other people say about your hair? Or anything else? If they are shallow and stupid enough to think commenting on your hair is valid conversation, then they're really not worth your time.

I used to be incredibly sensitive to what others thought until I realized that most people do struggle with self-image and often use cruelty or snarkiness to cover it. If someone say something, just say "yeah, I think it's too short, too". Where do they go with that? You neutralize the comment, and move on.

And I think your counselor is right - the more you go out, the less sensitive you'll become to inane, insipid remarks.

[Generic Brad]

9. Sorry to hear you don't like your current "do"

I used to be extremely self conscious too, so I understand how you feel to some degree. If it makes you feel better, wait a week or two before venturing out (or wear a hat). But do commit to going out at some point in the near future.

Hope to see you out and about town.

[Rosemary2205]

10. So now we all wanna know did you GO!

I learned a lot time ago people only care what I look like for the first 30 seconds. After that no one cares because they aren't any more confident than I am. :)

[Deja Q]

11. Probably.

I went, briefly, didn't feel like anyone wanted to dance with me, and left.

Maybe in 2 weeks' time I'll go back.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

12. I'm sure your hair is fine...

Stop worrying about your hair and get out there! But you don't have to go to a bar. Go to the library, go to the Starbucks around the corner. Just get out and mingle.
You would not believe the people I get into conversations with walking my dog. I've talked to more people in the last month than I have in the last 2 years of living in this building.
Duckie

[Deja Q]

13. I often go to the bookstore...

Most people stare, someone once tried to con me into a pyramid scheme, and despite being a long term customer who buys everything and does not tolerate stealing, one of the employees treated me like a thief. Well, excuse me for browsing the computer section, you whose hubby must obviously be a H1B import and where your country has a future so why do you give a shit?"

So now I avoid "Borders" too.

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

15. "obviously a H1B import"?

Forget the short hair, work on the short temper, the short fuse. Prejudice is more of a liability than a "summer cut".

That said, I got no advice on the rest of it. I've walked (backed) out of many social situations where I felt alien, like a stranger, a "DU Lounge Loser". Fitting in quickly is not my forte.

Now I have an earworm, but the old braincell can't remember the artist or title for a youtube lookup. The lyrics go something like ...
It don't matter what it looks like when you're doing what you're doing.
It just matters what you're doing when you're doing what it looks like you're doing.

Anyone recognize that?

:hi:

[Deja Q]

16. You do have a point.

I just wish globalization was about expansion rather than migration - AND for all the flak America gets, the same people have no qualms doing work being offshored. Seems I'm not the only one with a double standard in this world, and as for liability that isn't such a simple conversation either...

Oh, people have been prejudiced against me all my life. Only recently did a proper title get attributed toward it. And PDDs and mental illnesses are still "socially acceptable".

Oh, I could ask you to prove the opposite, re: H1B. Or how America is going to survive offshoring. And if we are to be rotting and starving on the streets. You know more than I do. (that's not sarcasm, just for the record.)

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

18. Don't get me started on H1B

or I'll start foaming at the mouth. It's corporate legislation that keeps many folks from getting proper benefits, even from forming unions. An increase in the H1B number is an increase in the size of the club over our heads. Our elected officials are not on our side on this issue. BOHICA.

But, I can't fault the immigrants who take advantage of that law. They are not the cause, merely the pawns. Some are even good to dance with :)

[Deja Q]

19. Thank you MUCH for the edification.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

24. Borders sucks anyway.

Barnes and Noble rocks.
Are you sure you're not imagining the staring? I always thought that too, though. Then I stopped worrying about it. My money is as good as anyone else's.
Duckie

[Deja Q]

25. When I looked up, she had this weird look on her face and asked if I needed help.

I'll agree I've put more into the situation than what it was (e.g. because she was Indian and I was in the computer book area, that doesn't mean she and hubby were foreign born (even with the thick accent) and it doesn't mean they're here because he got an H1B and she just can't sit at home all day. I'll agree, I was overreacting and imagining motives (not the "you're a thief" bit. The bit where she scopes out people who read computer books, thinking they're competition for hubby - which wouldn't be the case anyway, look at which country has a future in IT...).

But I know the accusatory look. Chances are, as I tend to get nervous in general public*, she misconstrued that as me trying to steal a $50 book. But still, you don't EVER treat customers like shit and I'd been a customer there for years. When I did that type of work, I didn't treat customers like that. And 15 years ago, we didn't have 1 camera per 10 square feet or the commonplace security panels that react to those magnetic things housed in merchandise either. Well, some places had the latter but they weren't nearly as prolific... back then, such draconian attitudes were ironically more appropriate. Even then, we're supposed to be a civilized society.

Note to that staff person, DVDs are much smaller and more readily accessible than trying to shove a 900 page book down one's trousers in an attempt to spirit it out of the store and managing to bypass the alarms and cameras... :dunce:



* a childhood and young adulthood of being mocked, taunted, framed, cheated, teased, tricked, assaulted, molested, and beaten does tend to instill in a legitimate sense of fear when in outside circumstances. Until even 2 years ago, I had real difficulty eating out on my own...

[YellowRubberDuckie]

32. I do the same thing...

because of the way I was treated. I have the craziest thoughts. I totally understand. :hug:
Duckie

[YDogg]

14. The Lounge has restaurants?

:shrug:

[Deja Q]

17. No, in the real world. Are you suggesting the world is solely DU?

:D

[YDogg]

23. Souly DU, perhaps.

:-)

[Nikia]

20. There are a couple times that my husband got his hair cut too short

Some men like to get their hair cut really short so the times that he got his cut too short, he only looked weird to himself and me when we've gone out.

[JVS]

21. Toupee to the rescue!

[dysfunctional press]

22. how about a hat...?

like a baseball cap.

i do my own barbering, and occasionally need a hat for a couple days after a fresh cut.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

26. want the truth? if i were you i would assume that if something negative was said

maybe it wasn't meant for you.

i know that maybe you don't want my advice, but i think you are super duper rejection sensitive. even when you are not necessarily even being rejected.

so when you go to a social event just keep in mind, just because someone says something mean, its not necessarily said to hurt you. it could be said as a general comment.

[Deja Q]

29. Actually, I think you raise a very good point.

Thank you and, yes, I do value your input. :pals:

There are times when I mistake someone else's comment as referring to me. (other times I haven't, but I do have a tendency to think it's always derogatory toward me...)

[La Lioness Priyanka]

31. you will be fine, one trick i will tell you about being accepted socially

is to stop talking about yourself and ask other about themselves.

people love when you ask them stuff

[Bucky]

27. Stylist? Are you kidding me?

Dude, that's just karma. Besides, no one's gonna notice your hair. Only women are judged by their looks. Men are judged by the cuts of their jibs. And how likely is it that someone is gonna find out if your jib is cut or not during the course of the evening?

Oh, by the by, is there anyone not offended by my comments?

[MissMillie]

28. While I'm sure you know this...

I think being self-conscious means that you over-estimate how much people are looking at you. And no, it's not that you're self-absorbed, it's that you lack self-esteem in the other areas (charm, conversation, etc) so you think too much about how you LOOK.

I'm sure you look fine, and I'm sure you think you look fine.

AND, you're witty and charming


so go out and have some fun

[TK421]

30. Sure, go ahead. It's just the hair? It's probably not as bad as you think

oh....and get another stylist ( just kidding )