My friends, the fundamentalists.

[Writer]

So my buddy got married a few years ago. We were happy for him. She seemed like a nice girl, and we accepted her into our coterie of friends. She was Mrs. X, after all, and although her religious beliefs didn't match ours, we invited her to dinners, parties at our house, and to many of our game nights.

You see, we called her Mrs. X while stabbing our tongues in our cheeks, thinking that she too saw the levity in our comments, until we realized how rarely she laughed. "I'm Mrs. X," she'd say, shaking our hands. "Or you can call me XW," which stood for our friend X's Wife. It wasn't a joke at all. In fact, Mrs. X was quite serious about referring to herself as Mrs. X. She refuses her first name, her submission pledge at the altar taken with pure determination.

We are an understanding lot. "That's her thing," we said to ourselves as we dissected it all. "It's how she chooses to live her life, as long as she and X are happy." And they seemed happy, with nearly every evening but Thursdays filled with church socials, meetings, pot luck dinners, and bible study. X's 30th birthday arrived earlier this year, and Mrs. X spared no detail in preparing an extraordinary, colorful pirate party for him, as they both are (oddly), self-avowed pirate fanatics. We all attended, their church friends surrounding us. We patiently prayed with them and ate merrily.

I'm not a stickler for stereotypes, but a wise person once mentioned in college that all stereotypes have a basis in reality. I never assumed my fundamentalist friends would yank out their NIV bibles and start preaching at parties and dinners, but I did wonder, especially about my friend X. A person who believes men should lead and his wife should submit can't carry that belief system outside of their house, I considered. It wasn't until a few choice game nights when I realized X overruled my thoughts and controlled the playing environment. His voice an octave below his natural tone, he would stiffen his neck and hold himself upright. A man! Or at least, a play at a man. A wannabe man from books and movies. But not X the Man. "Hor hor hor," he'd laugh at my other friend's jokes, his voice with a hint of Gregory Peck's Atticus Finch. Maybe X has always been a misogynist. Maybe. Or maybe he wishes for days long gone, when men were men, and women were Betty Crocker. The stories of books, magazines, and movies. But not of people. Of history. Oddly, they neither subscribe to cable nor have an antenna. These are messages received long ago.

Mrs. X is outspoken, if not uninhibited, and I saw this as an example of her retaining her beliefs while still living in the world. However, Mrs. X is a God Warrior, seeking out subtexts in any comment or bit of media. "Anything is now regarded as sexual harassment!" she said to me one evening when I happened upon the subject in light conversation. I didn't mention my own awful dealings with sexual harassment in my early twenties, a horrid experience that nearly cost me everything. I nodded, avoiding her glaring look and implied debate. There's little room for polite conversation when a snake sits before you, coiled and ready. "She did that because her baby was hungry!" she said one evening to another friend of ours who unfortunately complained about seeing a naked breast in public. I frowned as I watched yet another conversational topic cross itself off the list.

But X and Mrs. X are my friends and, as Utopian as their beliefs may be, they do accept us for who we are. They play Dungeons and Dragons with us. They give gifts at our birthdays. They will likely join us when we go see the next Harry Potter movie. But here exists a fragile balance, between friendship and beliefs. Between judgment and life. I think the only way to deal with judgmentalism is not to judge back, and that has preserved something very precious: friendship.

~Writer~

[Deep13]

1. Very strange.

I could never live like that. My wife and I are a duocracy. She kept her own name because there is nothing wrong with it. I don't want a servant or a pet or an alternate me, I want a life partner and fortunately that's what I have. I don't have too many friends like what you describe simply because I can't bite my tongue. "No, not EVERYTHING is sexual harassment, but the things that are cause a lot of damage." It is especially true with the religious crap. Been there, done that, no thanks. I'm not being critical of how you deal with it. I'm just saying I have a hard time with it myself. My wife has a harder time. I'm an ex-christian and therefore have some idea about how people become Fundies. My wife never was religious so she has no sympathy for people who have bought into the religious point of view.

[Writer]

2. It's been hard for me from time to time.

Especially with my friend X. We play D&D every week, and because he views himself as "the leader" it was nearly impossible for me or anyone else in our group to chime in. He also has a very simplistic view of what "leadership" is: telling people what to do. Giving the next directions, etc. Overruling others. He's lightened up considerably over the last few years, but I developed a mistrust for him in those situations.

His wife is a bit more difficult to deal with, not necessarily from the fundamentalist standpoint, but because she's incredibly mouthy and opinionated. We went to the Renaissance Faire last weekend. One of the merchants asked X if he wanted some bracers, but in a faux English accent, so it came out as "bray-sahs." "Bray-sahs," Mrs. X said, "what's that?" I whispered to her, "Oh... he's saying bracers, but with an accent." Out loud - in earshot of the merchant - she says "Oh! So we couldn't understand him because he was speaking in that cheesy British accent!" You should have seen the dirty look the merchant gave her. Later he muttered to himself, "Shut the fuck up and let me do my job."

Mr. Writer has picked up on this as of late. They are still my friends, however, because I know that if we ever got into trouble they'd be there, and vice versa. But everyone has their "thing," and this is their "thing."

[Bassic]

14. Wow, D&D every week...

How I long for those days of bliss!

(Sorry, I'm off topic, I got carried away)

I kind of know how you feel, I have a buddy who's something of a Fundie. I say somethign of a fundie because although his beliefs are usually deprived of all rational thought, he doesn't get flustered when I debate them with him. Which is not often, because as much as it can be, it soon becomes tedious to debate a wall of blind faith.

[unpossibles]

3. frankly, I am sort of surprised they still play the game or go to HP movies

just from my own experience when I was younger and some friends got reborn and played only long enough to try to convince the rest of us to give up the "devil's work" type of crap.

Good luck. I've tried to maintain such friendships, but have also learned that while I am trying to be silent out of respect for their beliefs, they seldom will extend you the same courtesy.

[Writer]

5. They were "born again" a long time ago...

X actually lives in the world a bit. Was a long time fan of Alice Cooper. Plays D&D and is into Tolkien, etc.

Mrs. X is much, much more fundamentalist than he is. Aside from his experiment with misogyny, I somewhat feel bad for him.

[Burma Jones]

4. Your post reads like a Twilight Zone intro

Kudos.......

[Writer]

6. Thanks, man.

[crispini]

7. You know, that's admirable, but in some sense I just don't get it.

For me, a big part of friendship is the feeling of having things in common, of "getting" each other, and being in that relationship you describe would make me very uncomfortable and misunderstood. Perhaps part of it has to do with living in a predominantly red state-- people who are my true friends are the ones who have similar core beliefs; I feel no need to deal with such attitudes among my nearest and dearest, 'cause I can get that attitude all over the place. Or is it that I just don't have any friends like that who are also longtime friends? I'd like to think I would give people who are longtime friends a "pass," as you do, but I just don't share that experience.

Anyway, nice post. :)

[Writer]

8. Thanks.

They're very much in the minority in our group of friends. They do, however, enjoy D&D and games, and X is a software engineer like my hub. We do have SOME things in common, just less things than we have with other friends.

[Wetzelbill]

9. that is extremely well written and expressed

Hauntingly beautiful. Mythopoetic. You made me think of your friends as very distant and different, yet real and close as well. Interesting style. But other than that, I was raised in Montana. I know lots of Fundies. I never considered them to be Fundies, I never really thought about it or knew what it was until recent years. It's odd to see people you know for a long time and think: "Wow, he's almost like a caveman and she's so subservient." I hate seeing women genuflect to a man, for know other reasons than an archaic belief in what they think is tradition and religion. It's dogmatic and sad.

But I do have friends like that too. It's a fine line accepting each other. I'm religious myself, but not a fundie. And I know most of these people as basically good kind individuals, but every now and then, just like you pointed out, certain topics come up. Like the sexual harassment thing. That's a perfect example. Definitely a fragile balance. I enjoyed reading this.

[Writer]

10. Thanks.

:)

[pitohui]

11. what is so precious about this friendship?

there is a word for people with whom you can't share your true thoughts and feelings, and it is not friend

this person is an acquaintance of long standing but why spend your limited free time on this earth with people who secretly despise everything you believe, who hold you in contempt if you are a free woman or are married to a free woman, and around whom you have to walk on eggshells?

my fundy "friends" are neighbors or others that i use -- and they use me too -- to share things like cutting each other's lawns or feeding each other's pets while on vacation -- but i am not obligated to spend hours in prayer with them or to invite them to Big Deal birthday parties

the word "friend" is used too cheaply in the united states

[Writer]

12. I think people are much greater than their beliefs and cutting them on that alone is abhorrent.

[Patiod]

15. One of my very best friends is a hard-core Republican

There were times after the elections when I didn't want to be around her because of that, and thought that maybe it wasn't worth being friends. But as long as we don't talk Dem/Rep politics, we have some really great discussions because both of us are willing to listen to opposing opinion, and give them some thought. For instance, she's a builder, and deals with the trade unions in our city, and they make her life a nightmare, and I'm willing to accept that the building trade unions are out of control in our city to some extent. On the other hand, she is willing to accept my contention that strong unions are important protection for people who work in mines, in food plants, and in many other difficult or menial jobs. She used to fume about how unreasonable the ADA was (she was forced to build ramps and curb cuts) until she had a baby, after which she admitted that ramps and curb cuts help everyone. And she's not racist or homophobic, which would be a deal-breaker, plus both of us grew up Catholic, but have drifted away from it.

What's funny is that she's a dead ringer for Hillary Clinton, who may as well be Satan in her opinion. None of us have the guts to tell her who we think she looks like.

[Writer]

13. Kick for the late night crowd.

[Dragonbreathp9d]

16. D&D fundies?

wtf?

[bullwinkle428]

17. LOL...that one made my head spin around like Linda Blair in "The Exorcist"!

The Harry Potter interest is the icing on the cognitive dissonance cake!

[Writer]

18. Hehehe...

yes, these are two fundamentalists who do not connect fantasy/role-playing with witchcraft.