I'm trapped in the jury duty room! What can I say to get dismissed???

[eeyore]

I'm stuck here for the next 7.5 hours waiting to find out if I get called.

My laptop battery says I have 1 hour left, after which I'm going to to have to read or some horrid thing like that!! :scared:

Help.......I"m trapped!!!

What can I tell the nice woman in charge that will get me sent home?

What sort of anti-social behavior will get me tossed?

Last time I was here (3 years ago) I sat for 6 hours, and never got called for a jury selection.

:banghead:

[Brigid]

1. Try foaming at the mouth.

Hey, it worked for David. ;)

[eeyore]

4. No saliva from too much coffee.

I couldn't spit if I wanted too. Plus, I gotta pee something fierce from all of that coffee!

Oh, wait....there's an idea! Public urination will get me tossed, won't it?

[Fire Walk With Me]

2. Murmur "blood...blood...blood..."

[BrotherBuzz]

3. You needed to wear a shoty ill fitting brown suit with mothballs in the pocket

Works every time. Mussy hair is optional, and can actually work against you. Brown suit, mothballs, spectator shoes. Guaranteed dismissal unless the prosecutor is wearing a bow tie, then all bets are off.

[Deep13]

5. As someone who supports and believes in the jury system,...

...I can't help you.

[dolo amber]

6. Just keep yelling "HEZBOLLAH!!!"

[Brigid]

8. Or "Allah Akhbar!"

:rofl:

[eeyore]

9. Ooooh, that's good!

Death to the heathens! Long live the mother country! Aieeeeeeeeeee! Aieeeeeeeeeeeee!

[mainegreen]

Masturbate?

That might get you in more trouble than it's worth though.....

[eeyore]

13. I could just look at pantiless celebrity photos all afternoon!

Holy shit! That's chick's not wearing any undies! What's up with that? :wow:

[tuckessee]

7. Tell 'em you believe in Jury Nullification. n/t

[Lionel Mandrake]

62. Better yet, hand out leaflets about jury nullification to the other jurors.

The judges do not want jurors to know anything about jury nullification, for obvious reasons.

IMHO the legal system sucks. Jurors should be paid at least minimum wage for their service. There should also be a test to weed out the terminally stupid.

[JTG of the PRB]

10. Just say you're biased against all races.

If The Simpsons have taught us anything, that should do the trick.

[DS1]

11. read timecube.com aloud

[jobycom]

12. Try emphasizing that you are a rational, caring person who believe in justice

and therefore you believe that all people are innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt, based solely on evidence and not on speculation or emotional appeals. The prosecutor will bounce you before you finish speaking.

If you are called, however, serve with pride, and accept our thanks for it.

[eeyore]

15. Oh, man. I really do hope I get called.

I would love to actually sit on a jury. So far they've called to sets of 18 jurors, and left me here whining on DU.

Shit, man, I always got picked last. :cry:

I really would make a damn good jurur. Hell, I'd want me on my jury if I needed one. I'd convict myself in no time at all! Oh, wait.....

[edbermac]

14. Take off all your clothes and jump in the judge's lap.

And ask him if you can 'bang his gavel' for him. And throw in some remarks about 'seeing his briefs' and 'hung jurors'.

And if he's not offended, then you're on your own.

[eeyore]

17. Ah, yes...I see where you're headed. WWBHD!

What Would Benny Hill Do?

:rofl:

[texas1928]

16. This might work.

HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES ON AN AIRPLANE

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you follow these
instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up

4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky and move your
lips like you are praying.

6. Then hit this link
<http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf>

[krispos42]

41. ROTFLMAO!!!!!

Oh, dear God! :rofl:

That, I think, would do it...

[otherlander]

55. .

:spray:
That would be so fun, even if it resulted in getting kicked off the plane and being in serious trouble. Only thing is that I couldn't pass for a Muslim. It might work if this was still the Cold War, though. People might actually believe that I was one of those evil Communists trying to sap and impurify their precious bodily fluids.

[lligrd]

59. Start Quoting The Bible - Mathew 7

“1 Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."

That should work. lol

[Lex]

18. Just say, "Screw the constitution. I don't want to serve

in the jury of peers for the accused. I'm way too busy posting on the internet to be bothered to serve."

[eeyore]

20. I wanna serve soooo bad right now!

You think I'm enjoying whining to the entirety of DU about my morning's prison sentence? Nooooo! I'm ready to roll here, and the stupid random computer selection system won't pick my sorry ass.

Ack! The PA system just started feeding back with this bizarre farting noise and no one is even trying to fix it! :crazy:

[Deep13]

23. Ah, I see.

In that case, jump on the table and sing the theme song for American Dad.

[swag]

19. Oh lord, are you in that smelly Multnomah County jury room?

[eeyore]

21. Ding! Ding! Ding!

The masses are watching Maury on the new big ass TeeVee. Why the fuck no one changes the channel I have no idea. The orientation gentleman clearly told us that the remote was available for us to use.

Oh, shit! Springer just came on!

Jerry! Jerrry! Jerry!

This is getting worse. I'm having visions of Idiocracy!

People who willingly watch Maury and Springer should not be allowed to serve on juries!

[swag]

27. Man,

If I were you, I'd head down to the Lotus at noon for some liquid lunch.

[eeyore]

29. Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

This episode is called "Jerry's Circus Wedding".

Lotus! Lotus! Lotus!

[Starbucks Anarchist]

32. You ARE the juror!

:P

[WilliamPitt]

22. If you're cool with shirking your duty as a citizen, you'll figure something out.

Maybe you can figure out how to avoid voting and paying taxes, too.

Yes, I'm serious. The system only works if people like you participate. Trying to come up with a lie to get away from We The People responsibilities is pretty shameful.

Sit down. Do your duty. I'm sure you'll survive it.

[eeyore]

28. Aw, shit, man! Of course I want to serve.

I'm just trapped in the selection room with Springer on the TV, hoping that the computer will randomly select my number at some point within the next 7 hours.

Sorry, sir. I'll pipe down and enjoy the brawling brides on Springer while I wait to do my duty. Maybe if I'm lucky someone will switch it over to O'Rielly! :)

[WilliamPitt]

30. Or the test signal.

*doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo*

:)

[CottonBear]

43. Do you have ear plugs? How about tissue or cotton balls?

I've been stuck in in my local courthouse jury (holding pen) room waiting to be interviewed by the lawyers and judge on numerous occasions but I've never actually been picked for a traverse jury. I was on a Grand Jury once which was very interesting. We met once or twice a week (usually in the mornings) for 3 months.

At least you can read and use your computer. Good luck. Maybe you'll be on on a jury and can get on with your day. You might even serve on the same day that you are chosen.

[mikeytherat]

24. How to Get Out of Jury Duty

http://www.mikejasper.com/hits/hits5.htm

1) Dress for success.

While few courts require you to wear a suit, most expressly forbid shorts or cut-offs, tee-shirts, tank tops or other so-called muscle shirts. Jeans are okay, provided they aren't torn or patched. Penny loafers rock.

In other words, it's the exact same dress code required by the Yellow Rose, a local Austin titty bar. Truth is, you can easily meet the court's dress code requirements and still create a repulsive image. All it takes is a little imagination.

Think costume.

mikey_the_rat

[eeyore]

31. Maybe a creepy clown costume!

Something like this, perhaps?

[Kali]

25. Voting and jury duty are pretty much all this country asks from its citizens

try to do your part. sometimes trials can be really interesting. Would you want to be judged by people that just wanted out of the job?

[eeyore]

34. I don't really want out...

I just want to get called. I'd be the best juror ever! I was born for that job, and I'd do it damn well. The dumbass computer just keeps on not randomly selecting me, the best juror in the whole room!

I'll survive, but if you can't whine to DU who can you whine to? Right? :)

[Kali]

36. I did sort of get that when I went back to read the rest of the thread

sorry, its one of those things I truly feel "patriotic" about - the ideal that in this country you are judged by your peers and that you are presumed innocent. I know the system gets abused and is in practical terms unfair, but it could be so much worse and on the otherside, if people didn't shirk this one chore it might be much better.

Plus I can be a real court-whore, even common lame trials are interesting to me. I've been a juror twice, once for a meth possesion case and the other on a major federal civil case (Charles Keating) both were absolutely fascinating to me.

[eeyore]

38. Yeah, I do think it would be really fascinating.

I'm not sure I can afford to put in the time on an extended case, but I'd love to do something today. I love sitting in this room, being subjected to second hand Springer and all, but I'd much rather be actually doing some jury work!

:toast:

[Kutjara]

52. Well, voting, jury duty and paying taxes to a regime that uses the money...

...to murder people in other countries and steal their natural resources.

Most other Western democracies don't require their citizens to have quite so much blood on their hands.

[AngryAmish]

26. edited away because I was wrong -- sorry!!

[madinmaryland]

33. Why do you hate America??

:grr:

[eeyore]

35. Oh, I loooove America!

But she don't love me no more! All I want to do is serve her, and she keeps on passing me by for less worthy peoples.

Please pick me America! I'll do right by you, I swear I will. :cry:

[av8rdave]

37. Simple...tell them you've been waiting for this day for a LONG time...

If the defendant isn't guilty of this, he's surely guilty of something. This is my chance to make sure justice is served!

[AllegroRondo]

39. As George Carlin once said

tell them you'd be a GREAT juror, because you can spot guilty people just by looking at them.

[meegbear]

40. Dismissed???

If you think being part of the criminal justice system is a waste, then just tell them that and leave.

And make sure not to vote either. Civil duty is SOOOOO overrated.

[krispos42]

42. Put your webcam on your laptop's screen

Point it away, towards the laywers.

Tell them you're excited about being able to do a live jury blog on the case, and ask the people in the courtroom to wear camera-friendly solid-colored clothing.

[Deep13]

44. It might be for a civil case. Never can tell. nt

[Kutjara]

45. Depending on your ethnicity...

...make some statement saying you hope you get a case involving someone of a different ethnicity, so you can put the bastard away forever.

Of course, depending on where you're serving, that may backfire and you could end up getting elected as a judge. So be careful.

[grasswire]

46. two words: jury nullification

The right of the juror to judge the law as well as the facts of a case. It is our last defense against tyranny, and it is a constitutional guarantee.

I assure you that if you say you have been reading about the right of jury nullification, you will be dropped like a hot brick.

From a web site describing jury nullification:

Jury nullification occurs when a jury returns a verdict of "Not Guilty" despite its belief that the defendant is guilty of the violation charged. The jury in effect nullifies a law that it believes is either immoral or wrongly applied to the defendant whose fate that are charged with deciding.

When has jury nullification been practiced? The most famous nullification case is the 1735 trial of John Peter Zenger, charged with printing seditious libels of the Governor of the Colony of New York, William Cosby. Despite the fact that Zenger clearly printed the alleged libels, the only issue the court said the jury was open to decide as the truth or falsity of the statements was ruled to be irrelevant, the jury returned with a verdict of "Not Guilty."
Jury nullification appeared at other times in our history when the government has tried to enforce morally repugnant or unpopular laws. In the early 1800s, nullification was practiced in cases brought under the Alien and Sedition Act. In the mid 1800s, northern juries practiced nullification in prosecutions brought against individuals accused of harboring slaves in violation of the Fugitive Slave Laws. And in the Prohibition Era of the 1930s, many juries practiced nullification in prosecutions brought against individuals accused of violating alcohol control laws.

More recent examples of nullification might include acquittals of "mercy killers," including Dr. Jack Kevorkian, and minor drug offenders.


Do juries have the right to nullify? Juries clearly have the power to nullify; whether they also have the right to nullify is another question. Once a jury returns a verdict of "Not Guilty," that verdict cannot be questioned by any court and the "double jeopardy" clause of the Constitution prohibits a retrial on the same charge.
Early in our history, judges often informed jurors of their nullification right. For example, our first Chief Justice, John Jay, told jurors: "You have a right to take upon yourselves to judge ." In 1805, one of the charges against Justice Samuel Chase in his impeachment trial was that he wrongly prevented an attorney from arguing to a jury that the law should not be followed.

Judicial acceptance of nullification began to wane, however, in the late 1800s. In 1895, in United States v Sparf, the U. S. Supreme Court voted 7 to 2 to uphold the conviction in a case in which the trial judge refused the defense attorney's request to let the jury know of their nullification power.

Courts recently have been reluctant to encourage jury nullification, and in fact have taken several steps to prevent it. In most jurisdictions, judges instruct jurors that it is their duty to apply the law as it is given to them, whether they agree with the law or not. Only in a handful of states are jurors told that they have the power to judge both the facts and the law of the case. Most judges also will prohibit attorneys from using their closing arguments to directly appeal to jurors to nullify the law.

Recently, several courts have indicated that judges also have the right, when it is brought to their attention by other jurors, to remove (prior to a verdict, of course) from juries any juror who makes clear his or her intention to vote to nullify the law.


If jurors have the power to nullify, shouldn't they be told so? That's a good question. As it stands now, jurors must learn of their power to nullify from extra-legal sources such as televised legal dramas, novels, or articles about juries that they might have come across. Some juries will understand that they do have the power to nullify, while other juries may be misled by judges into thinking that they must apply the law exactly as it is given. Many commentators have suggested that it is unfair to have a defendant's fate depend upon whether he is lucky enough to have a jury that knows it has the power to nullify.
Judges have worried that informing jurors of their power to nullify will lead to jury anarchy, with jurors following their own sympathies. They suggest that informing of the power to nullify will increase the number of hung juries. Some judges also have pointed out that jury nullification has had both positive and negative applications--the negative applications including some notorious cases in which all-white southern juries in the 1950s and 1960s refused to convict white supremacists for killing blacks or civil rights workers despite overwhelming evidence of their guilt. Finally, some judges have argued that informing jurors of their power to nullify places too much weight on their shoulders--that is easier on jurors to simply decide facts, not the complex issues that may be presented in decisions about the morality or appropriateness of laws.

On the other hand, jury nullification provides an important mechanism for feedback. Jurors sometimes use nullification to send messages to prosecutors about misplaced enforcement priorities or what they see as harassing or abusive prosecutions. Jury nullification prevents our criminal justice system from becoming too rigid--it provides some play in the joints for justice, if jurors use their power wisely.

[Kali]

60. hey, that was very interesting - thanks!

[cemaphonic]

47. "Bring the guilty rascal in and we'll give him a fair trial"

I got called for jury duty a few months ago, and didn't even make it to a jury selection. I wouldn't have minded sitting on a trial, as long as it wasn't especially long, but it was pretty irksome to have to sit on my ass for two days waiting for something to happen.

[SPKrazy]

48. I dunno

but i had to send in a questionnaire to the US Clerk for Federal Court.

Thanks, I've done jury duty several times.

I am in a position where I am needed at my work.

I'm hoping they will consider that.

Other than that I will answer things like a batshit loon.

:P

:hi:

[Orsino]

49. "I can spot a guilty person a mile away." n/t

[KamaAina]

50. "Impeach Bush"?

Can't have no filthy, stinkin' peaceniks on this here jury, y'know. :sarcasm:

[Redstone]

51. Reply to every question with this answer: "HANG THE BASTARDS!"

Redstone

[Xipe Totec]

53. Answer every question honestly, and with conviction

If that doesn't work, tell them you read the newspapers every day.


You'll be out of there in no time.


Sad, but true.

[DarkTirade]

54. My parents had a friend who got out of jury duty by telling them that she didn't trust

men with facial hair.
One of the lawyers had a mustache. :)

[Critters2]

56. Your morally opposed to the death penalty.

Tell 'em your religion doesn't allow it. I've had two Mennonite friends get out of serving that way.

Either that, or just yell "Fry the bastard!" at the top of your lungs. Either way, you're goin' home.

[Skittles]

57. aw you suck, eeyore

you didn't wear your "THEY'RE ALL GUILTY" T-shirt ???

[eeyore]

58. Okay, so I spent seven hours waiting, but never got called.

This is the second time in three years that this has happened to me. Seven hours of waiting for my name to be called, only to be sent home. Sigh.

I wanted to be on a jury goddammit! I would've been the best fucking juror anyone's ever seen. So fair. So impairtial. So judgemental. I wanted to convict some rat bastard and send him up the river!

Oh well, maybe next time. At least I didn't get called for some crazy 12 week Grand Jury. There's a reason that the jurors for those things are made up of retired people and unemployed neerdowells. Who the hell has 12 weeks to spend on a trial?

Democracy is hard!

:patriot: :patriot: :patriot: :patriot: :patriot: :patriot: :patriot: :patriot:

[hfojvt]

64. second time in 3 years

that seems kinda frequent. I do not mind being on jury duty, but when they start calling me every 18 months, which they have, it feels like I am being unfairly singled out. There are about 70,000 people in this county, perhaps 30,000 eligible jurors. It's not random for me to get called every 18 months. Next time I am gonna try telling them I am an atheist.

[JVS]

61. Launch into a 90 minute telling of the Aristocrats joke

[Inchworm]

63. Why do you hate America?

fug I cant spell...

:hi: