Well, I just sent an e-mail that might end a meaningful and long friendship

[rockymountaindem]

I'm not happy that my friend and I have gotten to this point, and it's all a surprise to me. But, I've stated my case, and I've been honest with myself and with her. There's nothing else I can really do now. It's still making me sad though.

[fizzgig]

1. that is such a crummy feeling

i had to send one of those just about this time last year...it wasn't pleasant

i'm sorry you're having to deal with this

[rockymountaindem]

3. Thanks for the sympathy

This is kind of one of those "You're sorry? *I'm* sorry" moments. Here I thought things were fine with one of my favorite people, then after one negative incident she unloads on me with all these other problems that I thought had been resolved years ago, plus makes a bunch of other mean things that seem to have been bothering her for a long time, but only now she decides to tell me all about them. Needless to say I disagree with her assessment, and her way of bringing it all up. So, I sent an e-mail defending myself and basically saying "either you're wrong or you've been really dishonest with me the whole time".

If things continue down this path, and they likely will, I don't see how this friendship can continue. It really has blindsided me and it totally sucks.

[LynzM]

2. Ugh, I'm sorry, dude...

Many :hug: :hug: :hug: for you. I had a friendship hit the rocks this weekend myself, and am unsure if it will recover... it sucks, no matter how old one is, when that happens.

[MorningGlow]

4. Sorry you're going through this, RMD

I just lost my oldest friend--30 years--we've been best friends since we were 11. This may sound strange, but at least you and your friend aired some grievances. For me, I had to hear she was unhappy with our friendship from our mutual friend (her informal counselor). (Looooong story--i won't bore you with the details.) I think my DH nailed it when he commented, "So she got a divorce and is unhappy with her life; why is she taking it out on you?"

Whatever the reason and whatever the discussion (or not) before the "breakup", it still sucks, doesn't it?

Feel better soon. :hug:

[rockymountaindem]

5. It sucks, but mostly I'm just confused

I had no idea this was coming.

[MorningGlow]

7. I was as well

My friend had been acting a little funky, but she's a moody sort, so I didn't think much of it, till our mutual friend said "Well, I shouldn't tell you this, because she told me in a therapy session, but she feels you haven't been a good friend to her."

Er... :wtf: It was definitely a shock to hear that she was unhappy with our friendship. We never discussed why, but our mutual friend kind of led me to the "highlights" of her issues with me. I put up with a LOT of flaky behavior from her over the years, so I was unimpressed with what was bothering her about me.

After much thought about it, I bailed on the both of them, which meant also bailing on my coven of 15 years. That was no small thing--for a witch, that's a MAJOR decision. It's been a life-changing experience, but I can't say it was incorrect.

Don't know your belief system, but those of us who study the esoteric arts have been experiencing this a lot recently and have learned it's part of our evolution--the world is undergoing a massive change, and as we adapt to it, we're (rather abruptly) losing the parts of our lives that don't fit anymore.

Whatever the reason, it doesn't make going through it any easier. But I'm more at peace now that it's done.

I do wish you peace with this. :hug:

[rockymountaindem]

8. Wow, that sounds really bad.

Definitely an interesting take on things though. I'm sorry you had to part with such a big piece of your life. As for me, I'm chalking this up to politeness glossing over stuff for so long it's turned into a huge problem that can't be easily resolved. I think that's what happened here.

[MorningGlow]

9. That was part of it for me and my friend, apparently

She's very into "if something is bothersome, ignore it till it goes away". So just like your friend, she sat on a bunch of things that were bugging her about me, for years apparently, and then she exploded about them to our mutual friend (still, to this day, not to me).

What's ironic is that what set her off was when I was honest when she hurt me. She did a couple of things that really, REALLY hurt me, and I told her so (politely) in order to clear the air. But it backfired--I guess being honest with your best friend doesn't fly with her--she would have preferred I kept my yap shut instead, in the interest of politeness and keeping the peace. "Don't open Pandora's box."

So...how true a friendship was it, really, if we weren't being honest with each other? Maybe the same might apply in your situation...?

[rockymountaindem]

12. I think it could

But I'll say this... in defense of guys, at least when there's a problem we can just say, "dude, cut that shit out" right then and there with relatively few hard feelings. I've never had a problem like this with any of my guy friends.

[MorningGlow]

13. VERY true

I have always admired the way men deal with problems--head on, clear the air, end of story. With women, it's all whispering behind each other's backs, checking with mutual friends etc. to see where we stand instead of talking directly to the person with whom there's a problem, blah blah blah till the issue grows exponentially and you're facing a 16-ton monster where there wasn't one five minutes before.

In my situation, when I let our mutual friend know I was "taking a break" from the coven--she's the elder/high priestess--neither she nor my alleged best friend ever asked me if something was wrong, what was up, NOTHING. They talked to ONE ANOTHER about it, and gods only know what in the world they're telling the rest of the coven, but they never tried to find out from me what was up. Now how in the world is that healthy? :eyes:

I would love to say that there is a way to clear this up with your female friend, but I'm afraid I can't offer such assurances. We are a weird species, and we lurve to hold grudges.

Come to think of it, perhaps I was being a little too "male" for my friend's taste, speaking directly to her and saying she did something that bothered me. :shrug: Not that I would change the way I handled it one bit.

Gah. It's late. I'm off to bed. But please PM me if you ever want to talk about it or need insight into the female psyche.

To that last bit I add :rofl:

Hang in there!

[bridgit]

6. feel better where & when you are able...

i'm big on letting my feelings own as well, sometimes it's the only option available :hug:

[Blue-Jay]

10. Could you have *not* sent it and saved a friendship?

[rockymountaindem]

11. I don't think so

What she said needed a response. The only way I could end this kerfuffle would be to be dishonest and let her treat me like crap. At that point, why bother to be friends?