Me as a candidate: "Of course I inhaled," "Because I was drunk."

[GOPBasher]

Me as a candidate

If I were to run for public office, you would see (or hear, actually) a great deal of unusual candor (mainly because I know I wouldn’t have a chance of winning anyway, for various reasons). At any rate, when the inevitable investigations into my personal life and background started catching fire in the media, you would probably hear answers from me such as these:

“Yes, I have.”

“Of course I inhaled; what fucking moron doesn’t inhale? There may have been a few times when I forgot to exhale, because I was so anxious to finish my beer.”

“I did it a myriad of times. I don’t remember exactly. You see, I’ve smoked too much pot to remember how much pot I’ve smoked.”

“Yes, that’s true.”

“Because I was drunk and it seemed fun and/or funny. Let’s say fun(ny).”

“That’s because partying is fun. You should try it sometime; perhaps you wouldn’t be so uptight.”

“Nope, no other illegal drugs for me, but let me tell you, people tripping on LSD are fucking funny.”

“Yes, I have. I loved strip clubs back in the day, except for how fucking expensive they were.”

“Shit, are we live? Fuck, I’m sorry. I’ll watch my language.”

“Why the lap dances were my favorite part, of course. I think that’s fairly typical.”

“When that becomes your business, I’ll gladly let you know.”

“Yes, that is a true statement. I did threaten to hit this particular manager of this unnamed business with my car and then piss on his face.”

“Well, they had a habit of screwing over customers. Then, he really, really screwed over a customer I hold near and dear to my heart: me.”

“How about this, if you promise not to screw me out of $500, I promise I will never piss on your face.”

“My relationship with my wife is not your fucking business, asshole, and if you ask that question again, I’m going to piss on your face.”

Etc.

As you can see, I’m probably not the most electable person in the world. If only they’d ask me about my ideas for energy independence.

[DarkTirade]

1. I'd vote for a candidate like that.

But I'm not your average voter.

[GOPBasher]

2. Me too, actually. n/t

[otherlander]

3. Hey, I think people would actually go for that,

if it wasn't for the media telling them that you were evil.

[ellisonz]

4. I'd vote for you.

"Hell, I've been straight for twenty minutes."