*****SEMI-OFFICIAL "VARKAM IS STARTING LAW SCHOOL SO LET'S TELL HIM LAWYER JOKES" THREAD*****

[varkam]

So I'm starting law school soon, and I want to get a good collection of lawyer jokes going. I have a few, but I'm sure you fine people will be able to provide me with many more. With that in mind, tell me your jokes! Here, I'll even kick it off with one of my recent favorites:

Q: Why should you swerve to avoid hitting a lawyer on a bicycle?

A: The bicycle might be yours.

[reformedrepub]

1. What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

A good start!

[TZ]

9. that was gonna be the one I was gonna tell!

I don't have any other jokes...Just good luck to you varkam!:)

[Lasher]

2. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

I like the stupid lawyer questions.

http://www-cs-students.stanford.edu/~dufour/HUMOR/Lawyers.html

[varkam]

3. Ohhh, here's one of my favorites:

Q: Doctor, before you performed the examination , did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for respiration?
A: No.
A: No.
Q: Was it possible, then, that the victim was alive at the time?
A: No.
Q: Why not?
A: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
Q: So you say it is impossible that he was alive at the time of the examination?
A: I suppose he could still be alive and practicing law somewhere.

:rofl: Love it.

[Lasher]

4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Before we recess, let's listen in on one last exchange - this one involving a child:

Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, OK?

A: Oral.

Q: How old are you?

A: Oral.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

15. I had to translate that one to my kid, since I literally LOLd.

:rofl:

[SKKY]

5. Why do lawyers wear starched collars and neck ties??

It keeps the foreskin from rolling up over their heads!

[blockhead]

6. It was SO cold outside today ,

I seen a lawyer walking down the street and he had his hands in his OWN pockets.

[hobbit709]

7. What's the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead skunk in the middle of the road?

Skid marks in front of the skunk.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy", replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What
does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind.", replied Tommy.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

And the best one

Engineering In Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're
an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down
there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten
down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a
lawyer?"

[varkam]

8. Lol! Awesome.

Thanks :hi:

[Ikonoklast]

10. Why is it that lawyers never get bitten by poisonous snakes?

Professional courtesy.

[Lady President]

11. Good Luck!

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.


Remember to have some fun. I met some of my best friends in law school. Also, absolutely every single student will make a fool out of themselves at some point-- it is no big deal.

:toast:

[varkam]

21. Oh I know I'm going to make a fool of myself.

In fact, I made a fool of myself at open house. We were having a mock torts class, and were discussing a battery case from the 30's (I think) from the Supreme Court of Texas. We were discussing the definition of battery, and whether or not tapping someone on the shoulder on the street would constitute a battery. I answered no, because harm was not intended...and I was totally wrong (the answer is no, but the rationale is different).

Anyway, thank you for the well wishes!

[Haole Girl]

12. Ok, but remember, you asked for it!

Q: What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?

A: A lawyer can take off his/her wing tips.



:hi:

[MrsBrady]

13. true story....

Several years ago I was in one of my favorite bars.
I was sitting next to an older man, and we exchanged pleasantries and small talk.
I don't remember the exact conversation, but I have never forgotten part of the exchange.

At some point he mentioned he was a lawyer.
I said, "Really? What kind of law do you practice? Are you a criminal attorney?"
He turned to me with a clever look in his eye and said, "Honey, all lawyers are criminal attorneys."

Had to be there, I guess.
But that caught me off guard, and I have laughed about that for years. ;)

[zabet]

14. Why do they bury lawyers 6 feet deep?

...'Cause deep down, there's some good in everybody. :crazy:

[varkam]

20. That's totally going in the book.

:rofl:

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

16. Here's one:

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven. St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

[varkam]

18. ROFL!

I'm remembering that one :rofl:

[cabbage08]

19. LOL Kick

[boilerbabe]

17. I don't have a joke--sorry

But I wish you the best in your pursuits! Not all lawyers are swindlers, and I think that you, as a DUer, might add some morality to the profession. Maybe I just don't have any reason to get my lawyer vindictiveness out? You might be able to add some morality or whatever to the profession anyways! Good luck to you in your endeavours. I know it will take a lot of hard work and discipline.

[varkam]

22. Hmmm...you obviously don't know me very well.

:evilgrin:

Seriously though, thanks for the kind words. I'm aiming to go into public service myself, but in the end I might have to go wherever my student loans take me, so to speak.

[Doug.Goodall]

23. The Tennessee Three Kick Rule

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"

[sarge43]

24. Q: Why are lawyers buried only up to their necks in concrete?

A: Concrete shortage.

Two lawyers and a priest were fishing in the Gulf of Mexico. Their boat begins to sink and sharks start to gather around the boat. One lawyer says, "I'll swim to shore and get help." He dives into the water and the sharks form a corridor to let him through. The priest says, "Praise God. It's a miracle!" The other lawyer answers, "No, merely professional admiration."

Congrats Varkam and good luck at school.

[Critters2]

25. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning,

and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?


Good luck, Varkam, Esq.!

[XemaSab]

26. Overheard at a trial:

Did you know the gun was in the house?

No.

Did you see the gun?

No.

Did you handle the gun at any time?

I don't recall.

:P