I just told my Little MB about the divorce.

[malta blue]

It went as well as could be expected.

She cried for about 3 minutes. She asked if she could have visitation with him, and I told her that we could talk about it.

I made sure to reassure her that it was nothing she did, and nothing I did - that it was his decision. her first words were "he just needs a cat, he's not a dog person" :cry:

Then she went to watch the Cheetah Girls and nom on a flour tortilla. :shrug:

[redwitch]

1. Is little MB really attached to him?

She will absorb what she can at her own pace. Grown up decisions are so bewildering to kids at her age. How are you doing?

[malta blue]

3. I am doing okay redwitch...

Hey, did you know about the Obama storefront in 'toga? Little MB and I will be there manning the bridge on Sunday 4-5pm.

I am more angry today than anything. I will have a hard time forgiving him for hurting my kid.

[redwitch]

5. I was there today picking up lawn signs!

I would visit on Sunday but am going to Boston to see bass player son.

[malta blue]

6. sounds great....

I will be there every Sunday 4-5 until the election - so come visit if you can. I am going to get my lawn signs tomorrow after my dentist appt.

[redwitch]

8. I will.

See you soon.

[LibraLiz1973]

2. This isn't meant to be mean. I swear. Why did you tell her it was his decision?

She sounds awfully young to have that kind of burden put on her.

I could well be wrong- she is your child & you would know. I'm NOT calling you out or trying to start shit.

I work with children, and one of the first things we tell parents in a divorce situation is NOT to assign any blame AT ALL. It almost always becomes a Category 5 shit storm later.
Adults need to understand that burdening a child with adult information is never in the childs best interest. It is a form of manipulation that does not help the child psyche.
It forces them to also attach blame, while also leaving them with some emotional issues. Often, children come to resent both parents. The one that left, and the one that
told them things that they really did not need to know.



On Edit: Good luck to you, I am sure this is in no way easy for you.

[malta blue]

4. I take no offense. He is not her dad - her dad is about

five miles from our home, and he sees her almost every day - so I know she will not lack for a father in any way, shape or form.

I told him this was his decision because I didn't want her to think that SHE had done anything wrong. I told her that he and I had tried and tried but he was unhappy here (he moved here to NY from CA to marry me).

If you have any suggestions I would be happy to get them.

[LibraLiz1973]

7. Ah, I understand.

When I posted, I thought he was her father.

It all sounds normal- but sad. It's hard to move, and it's even harder to have to explain to your child why something didn't work out.

The two best things you could do right now are, Let her see that your going to be ok- children sometimes are very scared of change, and they always look to their parents as role models for reassurance.
It's fine for her to see that you are upset, but she needs to know that it wont ruin your life.
The second thing is, don't let your STBE make ANY promises to her about visiting or keeping in touch.
If he's moving back to NY, chances are he wont keep in touch & it would be awful to have her hurt by that in the future.

Your not telling her right away that she could visit him was a VERY good move.

Right now you both need a little "happy time". Maybe you could have a girls day out & do something you wouldn't normally do, but that would be fun.

[malta blue]

12. thankfully, because NY is an equitable distribution state

and 100% of the equity in the house is mine, Little MB and I will be staying put in our home (at least for now).

He moved here to NY from CA to marry me, and he has built quite a successful career here, so I am not sure he is going anywhere soon, and I told him that she inquired about visitation with him, and his response was 'of course'. I am not going to hold my breath.

I am blessed to have wonderful parents supporting me through all of this, and my wonderful friends at DU who constantly provide me with laughs and lift me up when I fall.

[Sequoia]

15. Unhappy there in NY?

Was that more of the reason than anything? How long had he been there and what part of CA was he living in? I'm sorry.

[malta blue]

20. he has been here for just under 3 years.

he was living in Napa and is a wine guy - so to him, CA was paradise.

[Hawkeye-X]

28. He should move to the Hudson Valley and work for Kedem

I think he'll feel better there.

Hawkeye-X

[Sequoia]

39. Oh lord,

I live right down the hill...Napa, pappa, namby pamby...they've got their heads in a cloud. Sonoma County has better wine anyway. This place is as backwards and redneck as all get out. The clothes in the mall are basically cheap and ugly too. I wouldn't dress my dog in those clothes. Most of the older men are narrow minded and suspicious and don't like anyone new moving in, especially if you move up from Southern Cal. Not to mention racial profiling by the cops and shooting teenagers and people with mental problems. If you're not at least 4th generation you're an outsider. He can crawl back to his hovel in Napa and cry in his wine and good riddance I'd say. Our state is bankrupt and expensive and not paradise even though it's pretty in the spring and fall. Winter is gloomy, gray and everyone hopes for more rain. If you'd said San Francisco or southern Cal then maybe. I lived in Santa Monica and I can tell you I miss it sometimes because of the weather and food choices, but I'm not keen on moving back because I wouldn't get rent control and would have to deal with all that traiffic. I wouldn't mind New York, hell that's a great place.

[malta blue]

41. ...

:spray:

Really? He talks about Napa like it is the Shangri-la of the USA. There is nothing more perfect than Napa - and he lived in Napa proper. He moved up there from Whittier in SoCal - that is where he was born and raised. I find the redneck thing amusing because he has always touted himself as having come from humble beginnings and through his love of wine he developed a more sophisticated lifestyle. Okay - on more than one occasion, we were at high-end restaurants and he would do things that made me cringe - like lick his knife - or pick up a monkey dish with a condiment in it and SMELL it - just fucking take a dab and put it on your plate mother fucker - what the hell is wrong with you???

Now, we don't live in NYC - we are upstate - but we have a gorgeous house (1890 Dutch colonial) with a great yard - in one of the top 5 school districts in the state - NYC is 3 hours, Boston is 3 hrs, Montreal is 3 hours. Heck - I love it here.

Thank you so much for your input - you have made me laugh so hard.

[Sequoia]

44. I would love a house like yours!

I wasn't sure what part of NY but considering your public transporation it'd be a snap to jump on a train and go to the city. There's a book out called "A Tale of Two Valley's" about the wine wars between Napa and Sonoma counties. Mr. MB could never, ever, ever have a house like yours in Napa without it cosing over a million dollars. Licking his knife...yikes, not even children would do that after learning their manners. I live in a rural area myself with farm animals and yesterday a little fawn came leaping down the road I was walking on. I'm surrounded by vineyards of the Forestville variety and it's just as good as any expensive Napa wine. Plus the Russian River is close by where you can float on down to the ocean if you like. I worked with a guy who'd spend $$$ on gas (this before today's prices) and he didn't want to move because he just had to have that Napa address. Just tell him to go back and drink his rot gut wine 'cause it ain't French by a long shot !!! And you tell him I said so !!! Ha, happy Fall!

[LaraMN]

9. Oh hon!

Lots of hugs. :hug: :hug: :hug:

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult thing.

[malta blue]

13. thanks Hockey Mom

:P

No really, I appreciate you posting as I respect you so very much as a parent.


:hug:

[Redstone]

10. Keep it up, OK? That's the MOST important thing to do, is to keep reminding the kid(s)

that it is NOT their fault, and to NEVER badmouth your soon-to-be ex.

It's not easy to do that consistently through the divorce process, but you HAVE to do it.

For your kid(s).

Redstone

[malta blue]

14. My kid is going to be just fine because I feel

good about how I have handled it.

When I split up with her dad, we promised never to speak ill of each other and that was 7 years ago. I have never said anything other than he is a great dad to her, and I know he has done the same.

Next month would have been our 3rd anniversary. :shrug:

I know in my heart that this is his loss, not mine.

[Haole Girl]

11. He's a "dog person"?

Well, that explains it! j/k ;-)

I hope I'm not over-stepping to say this... but from personal experience (my own childhood) it seems destructive to have a long, drawn out separation - where a child gets caught in the middle and games are played - rather than deal with it head on (the way you are doing). Sorry for the run-on. I had trouble expressing that adequately.

How are you doing, malta blue?

:hug:

[malta blue]

17. Hi sweetie

I am hanging in there - really. I am feeling at peace.

And yes, he is NOT a dog person at all.

[Haole Girl]

22. Oh, yeah... read that wrong..

when I'm tired my dyslexia kicks in. Either way, if a person doesn't like dogs *and* cats they have a problem in my book. :hug:

[Orsino]

16. Goddammit.

I'm sorry that you had to shoulder that burden alone.

[malta blue]

18. I am doing well so far.

:hug:

thank you so much for your friendship.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

19. My dear malta blue...

Thanks for the update...

I think you are to be congratulated on the level-headed way you're handling this.

It cannot be easy...

You and your daughter are going to be fine, I just know it...

:hug:

[malta blue]

21. thanks Peggy.

With every passing minute I feel stronger and stronger.

My parents have been absolutely amazing. My stepdad came over for dinner tonight and we had a wonderful meal.

My mom has assured me that even though she is not close by geographically, she is with me in spiritm and I know this.

I had a great conversation with my dad this afternoon.

And then I have my wonderful DU friends, like yourself, who have shown themselves to be true through and through :hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

23. I'm so glad, sweetie...

:hug:

[applegrove]

24. That must be the most devastating thing - having to tell your child. Sorry.

[malta blue]

32. thank you

:hug:

[crim son]

25. They don't really get it, not at first.

My nine-year-old has been dealing with the separation and divorce for two years, but he still doesn't understand what it means, maybe because I still get along reasonably well with the ex, and because we never argue (so far) about visitation, etc. It was harder on the older kids, naturally. So much of their response depends on you acting strong in front of them. It's very hard, but well worth the effort. :hug: :hug: :hug: You and little MB will be in my prayers tonight.

[malta blue]

31. thank you for your insight

:hug:

She seems to be okay for now. Thankfully, it is not her dad, and she sees her dad very often - in fact she may be seeing him every day now since childcare issues now have to be rearranged, etc.

[SPKrazy]

26. When we told our little one

he looked at both of us and said something like "you guys are crazy, now can I watch spongebob"

I'm sorry to hear about this MB, didn't know, guess I haven't been around lately.

:hug: :hug:

my heart goes out to you because I'm going through one too right now.

My son seems to be dealing with things fairly well.

[malta blue]

30. thank you SPK

Little MB seems okay for now and I am too.

:hug:

[Rhiannon12866]

27. Hello, my friend. I thought about you all day and wondered how you were doing,

and how things went with little MB. She has had to deal with changes in her life, but she sounds like a very smart and resilient kid. There are bound to be some big bumps in the road, but you've handled it as well as you can with her...:pals:

If you don't mind my asking, what is his issue? Does he want to move back to California? He must have given this a lot of thought before he moved here, and, from what you say, he's doing well...:shrug:

And if he wants a cat, don't you already have one?:shrug:

BTW, is the doggy class still on? I called them, and was going to stop by and pay for it on my way back from GF today, but I wanted to make sure...:-)

Hang in there, my friend. This has to be a nightmare, but you are handling it with common sense and have a lot of people in your corner. I'm one of them...:hi:

Rhiannon:hug:

[malta blue]

29. Hi Rhiannon

I don't think he is moving back to California at all. He is starting to make money hand over fist here, more than he was making in Napa, and the cost of living is so much cheaper here.

This morning I was out with the dogs and all I could think of was "How am I going to rake all the freaking leaves by myself next month?" Sounds stupid, but its really a HUGE job and a bit overwhelming just to think about it.

Yes, doggy class is still on. We are registered already. saturdays 2pm.

Remember the deal with the cat - the cat was peeing all over the house because it didn't like the dog. The only time it stopped was when we baby-gated the steps and locked him up there, but I don't have a baby, I have a cat - and i was not about the spend the next 10 years witha gate at the top of the stairs *yikes*

Anyhow.... I am here, doing fine.

[Rhiannon12866]

34. Well, it's none of my business, but does he have any plans?

It sure doesn't sound like he's thought this through. And I know what you mean about jobs like the leaves. It's not easy to face these things by yourself, especially if you're shellshocked...:-(

Okay, I'll look into the doggy class. I told you I called them, but do I have to pay them before the first class?:shrug:

I do remember the deal with your cat. Have you ever tried Feliway? It's an artificial cat pheromone that calms cats, is made to cure inappropriate urination, but I got it for my cat when I first rescued her since she was very scared. It's also supposed to help when the household is disrupted, like visitors or the addition of another pet. It now comes in a diffuser, which would be really convenient. I used the spray...:-)

http://catfaeries.com/feliway.html

Glad to know you're feeling okay, my friend. I'm not having the best time here, but you've got enough to deal with...:hug:

On edit: I got my Feliway at PetsMart...:-)

[malta blue]

36. we tried everything with this darned cat.

and he did get adopted the same day we returned him to the rescue, so he is just fine.

Doggy class - I think you have to pay when you register.

hang in there friend - I am here if you need to talk.

~r

[Rhiannon12866]

37. Thank you. But I know that you're dealing with much more than I am.

It was just a very long night and the day isn't looking up... :-(

I'm sorry about your cat. Turned out that my cat wasn't just frightened, but the vet said she was suffering from dental problems, must have been in pain, poor thing.;( But after dental surgery she was practically a lap cat...:loveya:

I'm in GF next week, so could stop in Saratoga then... Maybe I should call them again...:shrug:

And you hang in there, my friend, and know that I'm thinking of you... I'm here, too...:hug:

[Rhiannon12866]

46. P.S. I just got back from Saratoga, officially enrolled Jack in the doggy class...

Sophie called here earlier, saying that there were only two official spots left which would probably be filled by the weekend, so I should enroll him (pay the fee) now, since they had all his info over the phone. So I put Jack in the car (had to use the carrier, which he hates, since I was alone) and went there. She told me to ask for her, so I met her. She seems very nice and the name on her tag said Sophie. So Jack's all set... Also, she got to meet him, which was nice, and she seemed to like him, although he was his usual excited little self...;)

[LoveMyCali]

45. I know you'll do fine too

and my brother-in-law has a leaf blower I could borrow. :hi:

[Midlodemocrat]

33. You done good, sweetie.

:hug:

[malta blue]

35. thank you so much

:hug:

check your PM in a few....

[AlCzervik]

38. I don't know how old she is but when my parents told us they were getting divorced

i was 5 and it was a relief. We saw Dad on the weekends and that was ok.

[malta blue]

40. she is 9 and he is not her dad. She asked about

visiting with him in the future and I mentioned this to him. While he said "of course" I am not so sure that it is a good idea. Personally, I will not forgive him for this - not even considering counseling, just wanting out - and the fact that he also did this to my daughter. That's the mama bear in me, but you know, people can f**k with me, but when it comes to my kid - watch the hell out because I am so gonna open up a can of evil latina whoopass.

[lost-in-nj]

42. one of the hardest nights of my life

was when we told our kids he was leaving.... it was the same night...
my kids were 23 and 29 at the time... it wasn't easy with them with either.....


:hug:

just remember to take care of MB.... you would be surprised at how you can neglect your self.. i was...

we are here when and if you need us


lost

[malta blue]

43. thanks lost

:hug::hug:

I will say she handled it remarkably well. She asked me this morning if her daddy knew and I said yes, so perhaps she will want to talk to him tonight about it. In the meantime, all of my friends are making plans for me and the little one to come to dinner, etc., so that we don't have to be around him at all.

His mom wants to keep in touch - I am not sure if I can. Since we have no kids, this can be a completely clean break and my anger is preventing me from being as compassionate and forgiving as I know I should be. :shrug: