I need some advice. (I hope this isn't too serious for the Lounge)

[dem629]

I'll try to make this quick and easy, and if anyone wants to respond and has questions, I'll fill in any gaps.

I have been seeing a psychiatrist for depression and panic attacks. In the course of these sessions (over many years now) my doctor and I have begun to explore these childhood gaps in my memory and a past addiction to pornography as a teen. Please don't judge me for that. My earliest memory of anything sexual is of one of my best friend's mother actually renting porn videos for us as teens. There is almost no doubt that this was the "spark" that led to a long, difficult sexual addiction.

In the twenty or so years that have passed, I have remained close with that family. My mother and this lady are great friends. We no longer live in the same state (neighboring states now). I am still in contact with my friend. I have been in occasional contact with his mother. Our mothers still talk and see each other a few times a year, usually.

Now...the question is about confronting the person who lit the spark. Should I? If so, how?

There is some potential fallout here, if she were to say something to her son, or to my mother, in the form of a denial or something.

Any opinions?

I know this is a very odd topic to raise. If this is not appropriate for the Lounge, I apologize. Thank you for reading.

[KitchenWitch]

1. I would be inclined to just let it go, and not say anything.

Your issues are your issues, and is it really worth dragging up to three other people into it? It has been 20 years.

If you feel you need to do the confrontation, how about writing a letter, and then burning it as a symbolic gesture to break with the past.

[dem629]

8. Interesting idea. Thank you.

[XemaSab]

2. Are you seeing a psychiatrist or a psychologist?

Have you explored this with them, and do they think that confronting your friend's mom is a good idea? :shrug:

[dem629]

6. Both. This is my psychologist. Sorry.

They think confrontation is one step in resolving situations like this. I am NOT comparing this to the horror of actual sexual abuse, but he told me it's the same principle. Some doctors believe in confrontation, some don't -- mine does.

[flvegan]

3. I'd ask your doctor this question.

[dem629]

9. His opinion is that I should.

[mopinko]

4. i think that instead you need to look to yourself.

saying that this person lit your spark absolves you of responsibility for your own actions. ask instead what made the hole that you filled with porn. also ask why you do not think it is normal to be sexual.
i am not much of a believer in this freudian game of what influenced behavior. our evolution shapes our behavior. our genes. friend's mother's video tapes are just the expression. sex is vital to humans. i think it becomes out of proportion when parts of our humanity are suppressed, sexual or emotional.
jmho.

[dem629]

7. Not trying to absolve myself of responsibility.

And I don't think it's abnormal to be sexual.

I do think it's abnormal, potentially harmful (and illegal) to distribute pornography to minors.

[mopinko]

11. well, i guess it is illegal

but i don't know that it is necessarily harmful or all that abnormal. i guess it depends on the circumstances. obviously you found it harmful. but i think it is not all that uncommon for adults to find an adolescent's interest in sex to be normal, and to abet it in some way that they think is harmless. personally, i do not find all that much difference between "addiction" to pornography, and "addiction" to video games, tv, whatever, that many young people use to fill the howling void they must jump to become adults. it is a scary time, a rootless time, a lonely time. so many, boys especially it seems, just seem to latch on to something while they inch along. most let go when they begin to find their way. i see no real connection between that and an actual addiction.

and perhaps my wording was a little harsh. absolving. maybe just deflecting is a better word. like anyone who feels wronged, i think at some point they have to remove the power of the situation from that other, and take it into themselves. focusing on confronting her is giving her the power to heal or not heal. i think you should take that for yourself.

and what would you gain, exactly, from this confrontation, anyway?

i hope that you are able to heal, whatever you decide.

[LostinVA]

16. Mopinko is right -- this woman didn't cause your addiction

What she did was illegal, and more than a bit disgusting, but I don't consider it abnormal, or necessarily harmful. You said you were a teen. Kids have been looking at pron for forever. Let's say you had snuck looks at your uncle's stag films and magazines at a film, and then became a sexual addict as an adult. Your uncle didn't cause the addiction.

[City of Mills]

5. Write a letter to yourself

I won't go into details but had a similar violation...I wrote a letter to my younger self, explaining what happened and how it wasn't my fault...it sounds weird but it honestly helped me deal with my need to set things right. It wasn't easy to do.

[dem629]

10. Thank you.

[SacredCow]

12. Another vote for coming to terms with it in your own way....

I remember my Dad buying magazines for me and some friends- mostly because an acquaintence had been caught stealing them from the local convenience store, and he wanted to make the point that if we were curious then all we had to do was ASK... Had one of us turned up with a pornography addiction, I'm sure he would have felt awful about it, but at the time- it was simply a matter of providing some teenage boys with fantasy material to bridge the gap to adulthood.

Of course, I turned out gay so I don't know how he blames himself for THAT!!! :rofl:

I have no idea of your friend's mom's motives, and if you suspect that there was something nefarious about them, then perhaps you should confront her. But it's more likely that she thought she was being open-minded and progressive-thinking by providing the videos. Misguided? Perhaps.

So my vote is for coming to terms with it for yourself (however that may be), and filing away that tidbit of information in your "questionable stuff that happened to me" file. That said, it has to be the right decision for YOU. There is NO DUer who can ever understand your needs, so if you decide to confront her- that's also a perfectly valid choice.

Best to you.

[QueenOfCalifornia]

13. Shit, nothing is too anything for the lounge.

My first thought was: "What kind of fucking idiot rents porn for teenagers?"
My second thought was: "I wouldn't allow that woman to take care of my animals while I was out of town." (my litmus test for how much I trust someone.)

Is the woman in contact with children? Her behavior was totally inappropriate. I am no prude but I have always felt uncomfortable around hardcore porn - I think that sex is something private. Look, I don't have an ax to grind and believe that if adults want to watch it, fine. I wouldn't stop them or feel a need to moralize. It is just not my cup of tea.

If my little boy, who is now 9, were to be exposed to porn as a teen by someones Mom, you better believe she would need a good defense lawyer because I would file a criminal complaint.

She was trying to get attention in a very inappropriate way because she has serious issues. My guess is she has low self esteem and may even have some more serious personality disorder. You bet I would talk to her. I would do it in private. I would tell her how her behavior effected your life and let her know that you are watching her. She should not be around kids alone, period. You have every right to confront this woman.

BTW, I have a degree in behavioral psychology and thought about this post for quite a while before sending this response.

[SeaLyons]

18. I agree with you, Gilligan....

I think confrontation is necessary all the way around.

[LostinVA]

14. No

She shouldn't have rented pron for minors, but that probably has zero to do with the addiction. Someone doesn't cause someone else's addiction.


I'm frankly surprised your therapist suggested this.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

15. my opinion? No. Don't do it. n/t

[LostinVA]

17. Is this bouncing?