A friend needs advice. Longish story, drama, be warned.

[Lyric]

I have a dear friend named Erin (not her real name) who's having some serious trouble with an ex, and I need all the advice that I can give to her. Three years ago she and her ex, whom I'll call Kevin, split up. They remained friends, and he moved to a different state to accept a teaching position at a prominent university. Background: Erin is 25 years old right now, Kevin is 45 years old, and they met while Erin was a student of his in a creative writing class that he was teaching while pursuing his graduate degree. They did not date during the time she was his pupil, by the way--it was only afterward.

In the years after they split up, Kevin has continued to be a friend and something of a mentor to her in regard to her writing. For example--when she writes a new poem, she sometimes sends the draft to him for a workshop and to hear his thoughts on revisions. This is accepted practice among writers, by the way--we workshop each others work all the time.

With the backstory out of the way, here's the problem. Kevin has become increasingly abusive, controlling, and manipulative as the years have gone by. He demands enormous amounts of her time, and destroys her self-esteem. He's sly about it, too--he reminds her of everything she's ever done wrong, and convinces her that she DESERVES this. At this point, he has all but convinced Erin that she is worthless as a writer and a person, and that she'd never get anywhere without his advice and feedback. He calls her several times a day, EVERY day, and becomes vicious and insulting if she doesn't answer the phone. He constantly has to know where she is, what she's doing, and who she's with, and if she mentions that she has a romantic interest in someone, he will proceed to trash that person utterly. Erin is a tender soul and she doesn't deal with conflict well; when he starts abusing her, she shuts down and stops functioning, just waiting for it to end. I have personally witnessed him sending her phone text after abusive text, calling her horrible names (the C-word today, among other things) and convincing her that she somehow deserves it. He reduces her to tears. He orders her around and abuses her emotionally if she doesn't comply.

Now, you might ask why she even answers the phone, but the reason is this: he has threatened to "ruin" her future as a writer if she doesn't do as he says. He says that he'll tell everyone at our university that HE was the one who wrote all of her poems, that he'll show nude photographs of her to everyone at the university (he took them while they were together, and refuses to delete them,) and that he'll contact all of her professors (some of whom are his friends and former colleagues) and tell them horrible lies about her thus ruining her relationship with her professors. He threatens to tell her parents about the nude photos--some of which he took while she was asleep and did NOT consent to, by the way.

Now let me be clear--he was NOT the one who wrote Erin's poems. I've read his work and I've read hers, and the "voices" are entirely different. I've also personally taken a workshop class with her, and I've seen her write--I *KNOW* that no such thing is true. But she is terrified that she'll have no way to prove it, and that because he's a former teacher and well-liked in the department, people will believe him instead of her.

Today, *I* texted him while she was crying on the couch beside me and told him that he was a misogynistic, controlling, psychotic asshole and that he needed to seek mental help, and he started abusing ME, calling me an "idiot" among other things. He's never even met me, by the way. I laughed at him.

Anyway, he just sent TEN text messages, one after the other, all of which were progressively more and more unhinged.

"Okay, if you won't answer, I'll have to start making some phone calls. Where's my Rolodex?"

"All those writing awards. My, my, my. So sad."

"Expect a call from an attorney."

"Just so you know, I won't be here tonight, or anywhere on earth tomorrow, if you don't answer."

"We NEED to talk. I will call at 11:00 pm. Answer, and DON'T have an audience this time."

This guy is fucking nuts, and if he wasn't all the way across the country from her, I'd seriously be worried about her physical safety. She's weeping right now--she says that she's never had "friends" before, because he wouldn't let her, and that this is the longest she's ever gone without answering him. And ALL of this was precipitated because she didn't call him on Friday before going to bed. She called Saturday, but not Friday, and so now he's going insane.

I think we stumbled upon someone who was trapped in a horribly abusive relationship, and being friends with us has helped her start breaking away, for which I'm deeply glad, as this guy is obviously psychotic. Still--isn't there ANYTHING we can do to make him stop threatening her?? For example--could he actually try and claim credit for her work? Could he legally send nude photos of her to people without her consent? Just how many of these threats are "real?" And is there any way to make him stop? He lives in a different state, so calling the cops isn't as easy as it would be if he lived here.

She's a wreck, and such a fragile, sweet person. I want to help her SO badly. If anybody's ever dealt with something like this, please drop me some hints about what avenues we might look down in pursuit of a solution. Nobody deserves to have their entire life ruined by a vengeful nutcase. I wish we could just TELL people how nuts he is, but he acts totally normal to everyone else--hell, everyone else thinks he's a sweetheart. I'm flabbergasted. *sigh*

[Lars39]

1. What are the laws concerning taping phone conversations for both states involved?

I'd document everything I could, save text messages if possible, record phone conversations if possible. I'd get that bastard by the short hairs somehow.

[Lyric]

4. I'm not sure.

I wouldn't even know *how* to record a cell phone conversation, but she's avoiding talking to him anyway. That's why the threats have gotten so acute. She's had to leave her phone off all day because he sent her *twenty five* abusive text messages so far today, and he has no qualms about continuing to do so all night, too.

I am especially concerned about how he keeps telling her to "get rid of the audience," as if he's worried about how I witnessed what he did earlier. I took the phone from her and told him to stop calling, SHE told him to stop calling, but he won't listen. He's truly scary.

:(

[Lars39]

8. Hmm.

With land lines, the police used to get involved in stalker situations like this. Cell phone companies might have some kind of policy concerning this. He's calling across state lines, too, if that counts for anything. Maybe call the local police, see what they have to say about it. They might just recommend blocking his number or they might want to get pro-active about the guy, can't ever tell, but worth a shot.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. Oh my god, my dear Lyric...

What a mess. He sure as hell is psychotic, and I have no idea what to do. I guess I'd talk to a lawyer.

I'd ask for a short not too expensive appointment, and see what happens there. Then, maybe a pro bono lawyer?

She needs help, for sure.

Wish I really knew what to do. But maybe by kicking your thread, someone else more knowledgeable will come along...

:hug:

[Lyric]

5. We're looking into that.

Her mom works for a certain federal agency that investigates crime, ahem, so we're going to talk to her very soon. Erin has been too afraid to tell her everything yet, but that has to end--if this keeps up, he's going to end up hurting her. He's flown out here before and dropped in on her unannounced, so coming here is not out of the question for him, you know?

:(

[CaliforniaPeggy]

6. So, add restraining order to the list of must-do things.

I think flvegan has some very good ideas, BTW...

:hug:

[flvegan]

3. My take:

He's a control freak who has lost the control he had over your friend. Because of that, he's losing, and trying to get it back by whatever means he has at his fingertips right now. I'd completely blackout all communication with the guy. Let him text and rant and rage and twist over it.

If he tried to claim credit for her work, he'd have to prove it.

As for the pictures, I hate to say it, but once you let another person have the film or hit send on an e-mail, those images are there to be used or exploited however the enduser sees fit.

Personally, I've had this happen to friends exactly twice, and they asked me what they should do. No idea why, I can't relate to the mentality of a deranged male. I gave the "blackout" advice to one, and it worked. The second one (she was much younger) asked me to call the guy and tell him to leave her alone, which I did. Something about "she's with me now, and if you call her again I'll show you damage, fucker." That worked.

Haven't been much help I'm sure, but I wish your friend well.

[Lyric]

7. Thank you.

I really feel horrible for her--she's one of those tiny, fragile, sweet young women who has no idea how to handle a large aggressive man, and this guy has been dominating/abusing her for YEARS, literally. She never told anyone out of shame and fear. We became friends in our last semester poetry workshop, and I was *horrified* when I saw what happened to her today. I can't even imagine how awful it must be to have someone abuse you like that.

:hug:

[flvegan]

10. I've read your other responses.

Honestly, since the possibility is there that he could "just show up" I would have her alert the police. Keep every voice mail and text. If any of them are truly threatening, then I think that may be grounds for a protection order and possible federal intervention.

I think she should not contact him back for any reason. Let him twist.

Disclaimer: this is really easy for me to say as a male who has no clue WHATSOEVER what it's like to be victimized like this.

[rug]

9. Send his texts to his department chair.

Contact the legal department of the phone service and formally request the messages be preserved.

Send him a final two word text.

[Muttocracy]

14. sounds good to me - beat him at his own game. nt

[supernova]

11. Document, Document, Document

The advice to see a lawyer is good, but she needs evidence too.

D/l those threatening texts into a file to take to the lawyer, especially the ones about wanting to take credit for her work. I'm sure the uni would be very interested in those. Hey, let his career twist in the wind, for a change, like it should.

Keep a call log of Dates and times when he calls, And she shouldn't feel compelled to respond at all, but do record everything he says and does. It's her insurance policy.

Good luck to your friend. And you are sweet for being there for her.

:hug: to you both.

[orion007]

12. Please, step back for a moment

Since this has been going on for years, don't be surprised if your friend doesn't end it with him.
This all looks good on paper, but the reality is it's a sick relationship full of drama,and don't forget it takes two.
Don't mean to be insensitive towards her or your concerns,but there are deep issues here that only she can address/change.
Making her the victim and giving her excuses for her behavior with him is only making the situation worse.
Only when she takes responsibility for her part will she begin to be able to change and move ahead.
I wish her the best, and you're a good friend.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

13. It's easier than it seems .......

What you're overlooking is that his phone company has a record of all his calls and texts, and if push comes to shove, there are ways to get those records. So, don't worry about documentation, although having hard copies of any emails or snail mail letters that are representative of his abusive behavior are good to have on hand. Make sure all those things are saved on a couple of thumb drives that can be safely stored away from your friend.

First, she changes her phone number.

Second, she blocks his email. If she can't do that, she should change her email address. If she can't do that, she's gonna have to be really strong and just forward his emails - unread - to a good friend - maybe you, Lyric - who can then save them for her. Then, she - the young girl - should delete them so that she's not tempted to read them.

All of this is assuming she can't block him or change her email address.

Then, she should go to her current adviser - I'm assuming that she's still in the academic world. Is that correct? If it is, she needs to go to her current adviser and see if that person thinks it wise for her to go to her current teachers, if she's still a student, and tell him/her/them the whole sad, sordid story. She should be honest, and she should document these meetings by either bringing a friend along and/or recording it in a journal or a diary. Dates, times, summaries of the conversations.

Remember that he can so all the things he threatened, but he won't. He's a bully, and he'll be jeopardizing his position far more than he can ever possibly threaten hers. So, try to get it through to her that she's in no danger of his doing that, and, if does make a fool out of me, and if he's that stupid and goes ahead and makes those nude photos public, she has to step up and say, yes, they're of her, and tell the whole story - the ones that were taken without her consent, and so forth.

Most of all, she should never have looked to him for any kind of guidance. That was a big mistake, but she'll not make the kind of misstep again.

Now, she has to protect herself and go forward in her life without relying on an old lover for writing guidance. (As a writer, I've always thought workshops were worthless, but I know I'm in the vast minority there. No one sees anything I write until it lands on my agent's desk. Just my preference.) She might try that, relying only on her teachers and/or adviser. (I'm not clear on what her academic status is right now, so I'm sort of jerking off here.)

This happens more than anyone thinks. Bullies abound, and you just have to take yourself out of their lines of vision. She has to protect herself from any exposure to him, and she has to toughen up and learn that old lovers do not - for the most part - make terribly good career counselors. The man is in her past, a big mistake, but there's no reason for any of this to continue. But, it's up to her to stop it by taking the steps I've outlined above.

She has to be strong. And she's very lucky to have a good friend like you to go to bat for her, but tell her that she should take the energy she expends being hurt and crying and turn it into some good, healthy anger at what he's trying to do to her.

That, you might remind her, will give her some serious material to work with if she ever goes from poetry to prose, and she just might try writing it all out, if for no other reason than to get it out of her system.

But, it's all up to her. It's time to call his bluff, cut him off, and leave him foundering. That's the only way you ever get rid of bullies.

And, if he does follow through with his half-assed, weenie threats, make sure you have all the names and addresses of his faculty department heads, the person in charge of personnel at his school, the head of campus security at his school, and, if possible, all the people teaching in his department, from lowly TAs right up to the full professors with tenure. If he releases anything, she has to be prepared to send copies of his emails, texts, letters, whatever, plus a calm, coherent, articulate synopsis of her relationship with him, how it came to be, how they should be aware that he's had a relationship with an immediately former student twenty years his junior, and how he has terrorized and threatened her this whole time.

(In no way should he know that this is her plan. He has no right to know that she's perfectly capable of retaliating and taking care of herself should he carry out his threats.)

He brings a knife, you bring a gun.

If I can be of any assistance, don't hesitate to PM me. I hate bullies.

Good luck to your friend, and, again, she's very fortunate to have you in her life now. Sounds like it's time for her to start in on her very own life. Lucky girl, indeed........................................

[elleng]

16. Good to see you here.

yhm

[Phentex]

18. That's wise advice. My first instinct was to

tell him to go right ahead and do whatever he wants! Which would remove his power and cause him a boatload of trouble.

But you have given the best advice. I hope she listens.

[elleng]

15. Inform the administration.

I'm sure there's a mechanism for such. AND a counseling 'department.' She needs emotional help, I'm sure.

He can not claim credit for her work.

He can not send nude photos of her w/o consent.

PS, take Tangerine's advice.

[Orsino]

17. Right. Not just the department chair.

Record all phone conversations, unless sate law specifically prohibits such recording.

Most important of all, involve the police, and get a restraining order. The story is harassment at the least, and appears to be blackmail.

[Lyric]

19. Update, and a few clarifications:

Firstly, Kevin is no longer teaching at said prominent university. Right now he's between jobs, so he seems to be making harassment and abuse his full-time job for the moment.

After I posted this last night, the viciousness continued and in fact got WORSE. Rhythm and I were staying the night here with her (LyricKid is having some time with Grandma while she's feeling up to it) and we were helping to support her and gently convince her not to answer the phone--and she didn't, even though he called and called and called (up until 2:00 am!) for which I am SO proud of her. However, we DID read the texts he was sending between call attempts. He has now moved on into full-blown psychotic suicidal rage.

He says that he's going to kill himself if she doesn't answer. He did this pathetic melodramatic bullshit where he said, "Don't be hard on yourself or blame yourself when they find me," which was OBVIOUSLY meant to elicit the exact opposite--he's trying to make her feel like SHE is the one to blame if he hurts himself, as opposed to HIM being the one to blame. What's sick is that I predicted exactly this. I told her earlier that abusers typically move on to the suicide threats when anger and emotional violence aren't working, because they're hoping to guilt you back into interacting with them.

To her enormous credit, she did NOT talk to him or text him back. We all had a serious discussion about whether or not we needed to call the police because of the suicide threats, but we didn't. Firstly, I don't believe that he'd hurt himself in the first place--he thinks FAR too highly of himself to do that, believe me. But if I can permit myself to be a mere mortal here...this guy has been physically abusive to her in the past, and is now emotionally abusing her. He's spent the past four years DESTROYING a lovely, sweet, talented, gentle young lady. She has no self-esteem left, and no confidence at all. Seriously. None. She's going to need years of therapy to heal from the damage he's done. So let's just say that if we get a phone call tomorrow that he's dead out West, there aren't going to be many tears here in West Virginia...at least not tears of mourning. Maybe relief. And gratitude. Yeah, I'm a horrible person for wishing that bastard dead, I know, but trust me--he's really THAT horrible. The more she opens up, the worse it gets. Apparently the last text he sent before the suicide threats said that he's going to move back here in two weeks to "set things straight." I'd like to see him fucking try, that's all I have to say.

I'm going to try and get her some help at the RDVIC (Rape and Domestic Violence Center) because their counselors and attorneys are exactly what she needs right now. My god. She's 25 years old, and almost completely non-functional. If I could get my hands on that asshole, he'd be in some serious fucking pain. I had one hell of a time trying to convince her to open up about this at all--I *knew* something was wrong, because she was always on the phone with him and was literally *terrified* that she might miss a call, she had no sense of self-worth AT ALL, and she hardly left her apartment save for going to class. We were only casual acquaintances before, but we've become real friends in the past few weeks, and that's when she started opening up and letting me see what was going on. Now I want to call in the posse and nail his shriveled little abusive ass to the nearest fucking wall. Even *I* thought she might be exaggerating until I saw and heard with my own eyes and ears. Now *I* feel guilty--I never should have doubted her for an instant. Maybe I could have helped to save her a few extra days of this horror. :(

Anyway--thanks to you all, especially Tangerine LaBamba. If anybody's interested in keeping up with this, just let me know and I'll send you updates.

This poor, poor girl. My god.

:grr:

:cry:

Did I mention that her Mom works for the FBI as an analyst? Guess who's going to have a chat with Mom this week (I've already been given permission to do so.) It's a shame she wasn't courageous enough to tell Mom this stuff herself. I have a feeling he'd have been taken care of LONG before now.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

20. Sounds like it's being dealt with -

but the single most important thing she can do - and the easiest - is to change her phone number. I cannot stress to you how important that is.

Sounds to me like she's caught up in a B&D relationship gone bad. That's a part of her that was already broken before all of this began, so, yes, she needs therapy, but not just to get past this jackass and his antics. The girl's got problems of her own, it seems.

As for him being "between jobs," that implies that he'll be starting a new job somewhere. If you know where it is, be prepared to let them know about what he's done. If he's simply out of work, then, yeah, it's entirely likely he'll do something to hurt himself, which, really, would be the easiest way to bring this thing to an end.

The girl will carry the scars of this thing forever, no matter how it ends - and, like you, I'd like to see him leave the earth - but I think she's already got a head full of scars predating this guy. A healthy young woman does not get involved with someone like this and stay tethered to him through all this abuse. She'll be mightily helped by a good, strong, competent therapist. I hope she lands with the right one first off. Sometimes it's hard to find the right one right away.

You understand, I think, that you'll become her connection to the world, a substitute for this guy, as this saga unfolds. She will transfer all her dependence and neediness to you, so handle it with care. But, begin to wean her right away. She sounds like a person who knows only how to follow orders, so be very, very careful in taking over everything with her, because you could leave her in a terrible place, and get yourself screwed up in the meantime. People like her, bless them all, just exist to take orders, and that's the broken part of their pathology. She needs to start standing on her own feet; she lost no self-esteem because of this guy - she never had it in the first place. And the only way she'll get any sense of herself and find any value in herself is not by what others do for her, but for what she does for herself. That's why it's so important for her to change the number - taking care of it herself - and blocking his emails, or changing her email address. She has to do this by herself for herself.

The sooner she's completely cut off from his tirades, the better. The idea that she has to struggle with not answering the phone while it rings and rings and he keeps texting is absurd. Stop it now.

And, yes, please let me know how things go. I'm invested in this one now................

[blueraven95]

21. Hi Lyric

may I suggest that you (or your friend) contact the local House of Ruth (or local women's shelter) Clearly, this isn't a situation where she needs to leave her current place, but they should have resources that will help her break free of this jerk. If he is as enraged as it sounds like he is, I wouldn't put it past him to get one a plane to come after her, so having the extra support of a center could be extremely beneficial.

[madeline_con]

22. He's stalking her, and it's against the law.

Save the text messages and send them to his boss, suggesting they rein him in or you will go public. They will not want the publicity.

Try to convince your friend the guy is full of shit. He acts as if he has so much power and will "ruin" your friend in the literary world. What a crock, like he's the Grand Poopah of writing.

Have your friend publish her work on the web, with copyrights; beat him to the punch.

Destroy the phone and get her a new number.