You ever try to be nice to someone just to have them turn on you?

[Tuesday Afternoon]

I think it says more about them but, I can't help and wonder why and, it sure makes it less appealing to have anything more to do with them in the future, right?

But, you keep trying with the same results.

Then what?

What then?

Isn't kind of stupid to waste one's time and efforts on someone who obviously does not appreciate it?

Why not move on and help someone who actually wants and appreciates the help and Learns from it.

Seems some people just never learn.

[MrScorpio]

1. If you'd like, you can have Skittles and I kick their ass

All you have to do is say the word

[Skittles]

15. I CAN KICK UNAPPRECIATIVE ASS

YES INDEED

[hippywife]

2. I have and I do.

There is a woman I work with who is just cold and mean except to the people she really likes. I've never had any contact with her before taking my new position and she gave me the attitude from the very first. I don't know why. Never did anything to her but I get that she is like this frequently. I asked her into my office and talked to her, and even though I told her I appreciate her talent and respect her for her hard work, and we shook hands at the end, I still get the attitude from her.

I try to keep in mind that she's had a very hard life, she's lost both her boyfriend and son in separate incidents, and just keep being cordial to her even if it isn't returned. I figure I'm not going to break down that wall until she knows me better.

We don't know how deeply tragedies in the lives of others will affect them, so it's best to give them distance and time, I think, to come around on their own terms and not ours.

:hi:

[cwydro]

3. Excellent point.

I'm one of those slow learners...x(

[Kali]

4. oh hell yes

ask MFM, I tend to stick to "friendships" way beyond reason, I give people the benefit of the doubt practically until they rob me directly. I just figure people have tragedy or mental health problems or that philosophical differences are in the way.

Sometimes I really suffer from the pain those kinds of relationships can cause, but in my old age I have begun to see that it really isn't my job to please everybody. Still I try sometimes. Recently I had to cut someone off, "emotionally" because they were getting downright abusive in their rude communications with me.

I still wonder what the hell is wrong when I give up on people like that, but I am getting better at not letting it be my personal problem and it doesn't hurt quite so much.

[MiddleFingerMom]

9. If you need confirmation of Kali's self-critique...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...you need look no further than all the years she's put up with me...
.
.
:hug:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...and the fact that she has a couple of adult male children
that she did not strangle in their sleep along the way.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Though, maybe...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...there were more boys that I've just never known about.
.
.
.

[Kali]

12. I didn't mean YOU

I meant giving certain people in Tucson that we both know, the benefit of the doubt for far too long.

[RadiationTherapy]

5. The cycle you describe often happens when an attraction is involved.

And there is no accounting for taste.

[cwydro]

7. Lol!

I think we have a winner!

[Luciferous]

6. Yep, and I think that if that's the way they want to act they don't deserve your efforts nt

[LaurenG]

8. Not to bring politics into it or anything but yeah

those of us who feel pissed on just get told to screw ourselves and get to work. We don't get the option of just having nothing to do with them. I'm just going local with this election and letting by gones be by gones.

In my personal life it happens sometimes too. I disengage and try to be kind and try to wait it out. If it's truly a psychopath I just let the distance between us flourish. Online I just use ignore or remove from my buddy list and block their emails.

There are some people who just use others, that is their goal, to get as much of something as they can. If they are hurting you get away from them and realize that helping them is just as damaging to them as it is you, just in different ways.

[Gormy Cuss]

10. Well sure, TA. I think that's a nasty side effect of trying to be a nice person.

The good news is that you are still a nice person at the end of it. The person who turned on you, not so much.

IMHO it's not stupid nor a waste of time to try. There does come a time when you may need to cut your losses though.

[RandomThoughts]

11. Into ribbons.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

13. I helped someone who I thought was a friend, and who seemed to be in deep trouble.

He lied to me and took advantage of me financially. I trusted him because I thought we were friends. He was a damn good liar.

[Phentex]

22. That really sucks!

That's cold.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

24. You don't know the half of it.

After I figured out that just about everything he told me was a lie, I did a little investigating and found out that he'd been convicted of theft by swindle a few years ago. The guy is pretty much a sociopathic, compulsive liar, but he can be very convincing.

[LiberalAndProud]

38. Does it help to know you're not alone?

Narcistic sociopaths are masters at theft by deception. And mostly it's not illegal. They leave financial and emotional devastation in their wake, and they simply don't care. My daughter declared bankruptcy and the perp went on to his next victim without a twinge of regret.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

40. Oh, I know they're out there.

It's just kind of a shock when you discover that someone you though was a decent person, isn't. In this case my only loss was financial (there was no "romantic" relationship), plus the disappointment in finding out that someone you thought was kind of a friend was just a grifter. I can absorb the financial loss, and all the karma is on my side. But still, you have to wonder about some people -- how they get to be that way.

[EnviroBat]

46. I try to look at it in terms of being adult about the ending of a relationship.

You know, all that stuff about, "take you share of the responsibility for the relationship ending, and try to be neither a victim or a martyr". But for the life of me I can't seem to get past the fact that this person just walked out on me and left me for dead without an opportunity to discuss anything. She knows about what happened to me, and I'm sure that must have scared her, but for God's sake! How the hell do you treat a person you "loved" like they no longer exist?

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

47. I wish I knew why people do that kind of thing.

There must be something terribly wrong with her. Otherwise I can't think of an explanation. Maybe you don't have any responsibility for the relationship ending; maybe it should be all on her. In any event, the ONLY thing you can do is move on. It took me months to get over the abrupt dumping of me by my "soul-mate," and to be honest I have been much less trusting ever since. I shouldn't have let him ruin my attitude, but he kind of did.

[EnviroBat]

48. I've been trying to get back to "normal".

My therapist told me to go out and meet new people. It does seem to help a little, but it seems strange at the same time. I think you are right about there being something terribly wrong with her, and I can't keep blaming myself like I caused her to self-destruct. I watched the person I loved most in this world just fall apart right in front of me, and I carry the shame that I couldn't stop it.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

39. that sucks...

I have had that happen, too.

I no longer lend money because of it.

:hug:

[Curmudgeoness]

14. I think you have answered this for yourself in the end.

You should move on and find someone who will appreciate the help. I do this all the time, and I am burned more than I am appreciated. Still do it, but I have come to terms with walking away from the users. I will not be nasty to them, even if they deserve it, but I distance myself.

[chillspike]

17. That's the key

never make problems for others even if they do for you. People will seldom, if ever, see what they are doing wrong or did wrong to you but they will always remember how you reacted to it. Quietly distancing is the best option.

[cwydro]

19. Very true. nt

[murielm99]

16. Yes.

I have always thought of myself as a strong person, but I discovered, through therapy, that I too often let others violate my boundaries. I need to set rules for other people, or I will get kicked in the teeth all the time. I am learning.

[raccoon]

18. Yes. Cut your losses and move on.

If you HAVE to interact with them, be civil and polite and that's it.

"Isn't kind of stupid to waste one's time and efforts on someone who obviously does not appreciate it?" Yes, BTDT.

[EnviroBat]

20. It will be a cold day in hell after the shit I just went through.

Dating a girl from a town a little north of here. We're together about six months and the relationship is really going great. She has a daughter and the three of us are getting along wonderfully. They are down for a visit last summer and when they return home, they find someone has broken into their apartment and stolen most of their things. She asks if her and her daughter can move in with me so we can continue our relationship together. Despite wanting to wait until the daughter graduates HS, (2011), we decide that we can make it work. A few months later, this wonderful woman quits her job and decides she wants to go to school full-time. Now, me Mr. "Niceguy" is O.K. with this because after-all, she's trying to better herself right? I pay all the bills and the mortgage because I was doing it before they moved in anyway. I loved these people with all of my heart, and I finally had a "family". Well, about 6 weeks ago, we have an argument about the daughter smoking in the house. They packed their things and walked out of my life in a matter of hours. A couple of terse, shitty emails from her is all I've heard since. I'm not able to contact her, and I have no idea where she is living. I have been devastated by this to the point that suicide seemed like the only option available to me and I ended up in the hospital for two weeks. I've lost the "Niceguy" part of myself, and I don't think it's ever coming back. I've been getting a little better with each passing day, but most of the time I feel like a hollow shell of a person. Can't concentrate, can't eat. Still manage to drag my ass to work every morning, but even my music is non-existent to me now. Lesson is kids, don't EVER let yourself be so nice that people walk all over your ass.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

25. Wow, that's really cold.

What a tough discovery - that you'd been used by someone you cared for. People really suck sometimes. She doesn't deserve you and you're way better off without her -- but it will take awhile for you to process that. I'm sorry this happened to you.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

26. oh man ....

dude.

I am so sorry that happened to you.

Be very kind to yourself. Very,Very,Kind. :hug:

[EnviroBat]

35. Thanks, I'm trying to be...

It's like missing a ghost now. Still part of me is loving an invisible person.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

37. I know that feeling -

hang in there EnviroBat.

take good care of yourself.

Splurge on something nice.

:hug:

[chrisa]

33. She didn't deserve you.

Just tell yourself that, because that fact is obvious from your post. I can also tell that you're a good person from your post, and that is a good thing. :)

[EnviroBat]

36. Thank you chrisa...

Thought she was my soul-mate. My best friend, and I never saw this coming...

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

43. I so understand.

I once had a soul-mate and best friend, too. After three years together he two-timed me and dumped me, and I never saw it coming. It hurts a lot -- a WHOLE lot -- but you do get over it. Hang in there.

[EnviroBat]

45. This one has been the worst for me ever.

The woman, the daughter, and the dog too. My life feels completely empty now. You get really afraid that you will never trust another person again.

[Bennyboy]

21. My Father all the time...

"The more that you give, the more it will take"

He did this about a million times to me. Caught his partner stealing MILLIONS of dollars and I got fired.

Let him use my license and stuff and I got in trouble with the IRS...

[Tuesday Afternoon]

27. shit.

we should swap Father stories sometime....

yours makes mine look good :o

:pals:

[Bennyboy]

41. Mine makes anyones look good.

My Father was an asshole. I am still trying to clean up his mess.

[struggle4progress]

23. I try to regard that as a good opportunity to practice personal character development

The less one gets sucked into other people's games, the better

Often when somebody acts like a jerk, they're just having a bad time

The real jerks are out there, and they aren't exactly rare, but you can't let them ruin your life

And here and there, you will find some incredible jerks, who sort of get off on other people's reactions to them: if you don't get sucked into their games, you won't charge their batteries

[Tuesday Afternoon]

28. I have to remember that it is about them and not about me --

know what I mean.

detach and distance and allow them the room to be who they need to be.

I think that is what right.

I think so.

Yeah.

[HEyHEY]

29. Went through this re cently, posted about it here

The guy never "turned on me" but he completely took me for granted and was lazy as hell. He came to Beijng and my friend put him up for a month, for free. I helped get him his first job (part-time). This were rolling for him. Then he spent all his money, his part time job ended as school did, and he was left with nothing. Furthermore, he never applied for a job on his own, decided to stay with my friend long-term and subsequently came up short on the rent one time, even though he seemed to have money for beer and a scooter.

Then she kicked him out, he found a new place, and couldn't move in right away. I told him he couldn't stay with me (nicely). I'd helped him enough. Now I have turned my back on him.

Beijing can be a HARD place to live if you're a foreigner, especially when you first arrive. Expats are amazing at looking out for each other, it's a bit of a code. He took advantage of it, embarrassed me and now he's on his own.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

30. exactly --

Good luck to him but he is NOT your responsibility. Not any more.

[HEyHEY]

31. All he had to do was try, and I'd offer him whatever

If you are trying here, you'll be taken care of. I still owe thousands of kuai from being unemployed for four months. But, everyone I owe to understands that and I'm slowly paying them all off. I never get jive for it, besides the occasional joke about "You gonna give me my money!"

But, they all saw me freaking out, working hard to land a job and such. I wasn't asking for huge sums, or asking for money and going to the bar five nights a week, any of that. So, they were totally cool with helping me. And next month, I'll have all but one paid back, the big one, my GF to whom I owe most of the dough.

All this guy had to do was put in effort, he would have A: FOUND A JOB and B: Been taken care of while he looked.

Also: With this comes a pay it forward type karma thing, so I owe big if anyone needs it!

[SwampG8r]

32. i thought you meant this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5DZOm5ohkg

[Tuesday Afternoon]

34. heh.

blast from the past :o

[Roon]

42. I got yelled at by an elderly lady on a very crowded and packed bus

because I was offering my seat to her. I don't offer my seat anymore and sit in the far back when I can.

[Heidi]

44. Yeah, but those people don't get the power to change who I am.

I'm nice. I like being a good person. It's who I am. Why should I give anyone else the power to change my identity? Being who I am is not a waste of time. It's just being who I am, and I don't consider that stupid. :shrug: