Late night * humor--very therapeutic!

[spooky3]

Maybe this will have to be moved--since most of it concerned the campaign directly or indirectly, I thought I'd put it here. I am not sure what the source is--I got it in a mass-email.

Late-night political humor:

"According to a new poll, President Bush's approval rating is at an
all-time low but Kerry still can't catch up with him. So people don't
like Bush but they don't seem to like Kerry very much either. We have
two guys nobody wants to vote for. No wonder we can't sell democracy in
Iraq, we can't even give it away here." Jay Leno

"You know, Bill Clinton -- how many of you remember Bill Clinton? -- he
has a brand new book coming out in the next couple of months and the
Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry
campaign and I'm thinking 'Hell! A day-old meatloaf might upstage that
campaign" David Letterman

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told senators that the Geneva
convention on prisoner's rights applies in Iraq, but not for prisoners
held in Guantanamo Bay. When asked what the difference was Rumsfeld said
that nobody has pictures of Guantanamo Bay." Conan O'Brien

"The prison scandal is really hurting President Bush's poll numbers. In
fact, I hear he's already working on his concession smirk." Craig Kilborn

"President Bush invited the world champion New England Patriots to the
White House for the second time on Monday. Here's the interesting point,
at this point the Patriots might actually have a better chance at being
at the White House this time next year than Bush." Jay Leno

"President Bush said today that the job situation looks good. Yeah, if
you're John Kerry." Jay Leno

"President George Bush's approval rating has dropped to 46 percent. Let
me put this in perspective. Saddam Hussein's approval rating is 49
percent. ... But Bush is not worried. That's the kind of grades that got
him through Yale." David Letterman

"We're turning over sovereignty to the Iraqi's on June 30th and the next
day we're handing over the negatives." Jay Leno

"The big story continues to be the torment of Iraqi prisoners by U.S.
troops ... Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's been getting a lot of
heat. Up until today, a lot of people thought he might step down or get
pushed out, but this morning, President Bush said Rumsfeld's doing a
'superb' job. Wait until he finds out 'superb' means 'good.'" Jimmy Kimmel

"Donald Rumsfeld testified before Congress today. Donald Rumsfeld said
he didn't read the report on Iraqi prisoners because it was too long and
it contained too much information. When he heard this, President Bush
said 'Hey that's my line.'" Conan O'Brien

"The Bush administration is now asking Congress for another 25 billion
for the war in Iraq. I don't know what they're going to be buying with
this money, but I think we can rule out anymore digital cameras." Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh spoke out on the Iraqi prison pictures situation today.
He said it's entirely generated by the media. What? Is this guy on
drugs?" Jay Leno

"I don't want to say there's a lot of pressure on Rumsfeld, but today he
called Vice President Dick Cheney and asked if he can borrow one of
those secret, undisclosed locations just to kind of hang out in a little
bit." Jay Leno

"Foreign policy experts say that this Iraqi prison abuse thing could be
a real setback in relations between American and Arab countries. But it
was going so well up until this." Jay Leno

"Here's how bad the situation in Iraq is right now. Supposedly we still
have 40 rolls of film we're afraid to pick up at the Fallujah photo
lab." Jay Leno

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, facing growing demands that he
resign or be fired, apologized to Congress on Friday for the abuse of
Iraqi prisoners. Rumsfeld said, 'I take full responsibility. This
happened on my watch. I feel terrible.' He went on to add, 'My heart
goes out, yada yada yada, you had me at hello, blah blah blah, I'm a
genius you're all morons, you can't handle the truth, can I go now,
ahhh.'" Tina Fey

"President Bush has two daughters and they're graduating from college.
President Bush says he will not be attending the graduation because he
does not want to create a distraction. I believe that is the same excuse
he used in the National Guard." David Letterman

"President Bush apologized on TV to Iraqi prisoners. I don't know if the
apology was sincere, because at the end, he says, 'I'm George Bush and I
approve of this naked pyramid.'" Craig Kilborn

"President Bush was on Arab TV to talk about the Iraqi POW abuse
scandal. President Bush said, 'In a democracy, mistakes are
investigated.' Well, not election mistakes." Jay Leno

"The Disney company is blocking the distribution of Michael Moore's new
movie because it criticizes President Bush. When asked if the block has
anything to do with winning tax breaks for Florida Governor Jeb Bush, a
spokesman from Disney said, 'It's a small world after all.'" Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is on a bus tour right now, visiting small towns in
Michigan and Ohio, because he says, and I quote, 'I find it really fun
to go to a place where people don't expect the president to come.' So
the next place he's going is to a bookstore" Jay Leno

"The United States has just announced we will begin photographing and
fingerprinting every visitor to the united states even those from our
allied nations. Isn't that unbelievable? We still have allies?" Jay Leno

[RobertSeattle]

1. More at Newsmax (barf)

Probably the only decent thing out of newshacks.

http://www.newsmax.com/liners.shtml

[silverlib]

2. Kerry needs to come up with some good one liners...

I love the man, but he could use one of Leno's or Conan's writers.