Funeral Food: The Ultimate Comfort Food...

[Phentex]

I haven’t posted at DU in a few weeks. Did you miss me? I’ve been down in the dumps, but I’ve lurked here and I plan to make the olive bread and other things soon. I've been self-medicating with comfort food as much as possible.

My brother passed away recently. He was the first of our very large family, and was probably the best of the bunch, so it was a particularly difficult week. Your mind can’t process it and you aren’t sure what to do. Still, your body keeps going and eventually – you have to eat. And boy, does death bring out the comfort food!

My Sicilian mother married into a family of south Georgia farmers. As this brother said in a wedding toast last spring, “It was the Sopranos meet the Dukes of Hazzard.”

We are natural foodies -- all of us. Even in death.

Pans of lasagna, sandwiches, sausage dishes, olives. The church ladies are an organized food army prepared for duty at a moment’s notice! I couldn’t put a bite in my mouth. But I was overwhelmed by the dessert table which truly looked like something Martha Stewart put together herself. Doilies of brownies and cookies and mini cheesecakes. Silver platters of cakes, pies, cannoli and fruit bars. Yogurt dip with piles and piles of fruit. I spotted a three-tier arrangement of chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal cookies and those little peanut butter kisses. These had been baked in mini muffin tins and they looked so cute. I couldn’t help it so I took a little plastic cup and filled it with the cookies.

I would take them for later… when I needed them.

The burial took place on the farm down south in the family cemetery just past the chicken coops. Everyone gathered at my aunt’s house afterward to talk and … eat.

Turnip greens and mac and cheese. Chicken and dumplings, my sister squealed! FRIED pork chops, I squealed back! Butter peas and cabbage and green beans with ham. Dressings and squash casseroles. Gallons of sweet tea. Carrot cakes and strawberry fluff. Every possible inch of tables and counter space was filled with the outpouring of love from my extended family. My sister-in-law, in her state of mind somewhere between grief and exhaustion, looked around and said, “I should have gone first. Your brother would have loved this.”

Online I’ve been berated for saying food is love. I don’t think I mean *all* food is love, but there’s no denying the love you feel when you are surrounded by the home-baked offerings of friends, family, and neighbors.

Hey, Carla from top Chef agrees with me, lol! :)

[Tesha]

1. I'm so sorry for your loss...

- a funeral is most sad, but it can bring people together like nothing else...


and as for the cooking? Well, you know there is love when somebody cooks for you.


“Cooking is at once child's play and adult joy. And cooking done with care is an act of love.”
Craig Claiborne:loveya: :hi:

[Phentex]

12. Thanks...

I agree. :hi:

[Warpy]

2. Meatloaf!

That's the comfort food I bring to funeral gatherings. It can be eaten hot or cold and can be sliced and eaten in sandwiches the next few days. It's unpretentious and comforting, fills empty bellies and soothes aching hearts as it reminds people of childhood and being safe.

I'm so sorry about your brother.

[Tesha]

3. mmm meatloaf sandwiches

- ah ... with ketchup?

[grasswire]

8. the perfect meat loaf sandwich IMO

Two slices of good whole wheat bread.
Yellow mustard goes on one slice.
Butter goes on the other.
Meat loaf slices go on the mustard.
Then sliced dill pickles.
Buttered slice goes on top of the pickles.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm.

[hippywife]

15. I was with you most of the way.

I love them with either butter (if hot) or mustard (if cold) but not both. And as much as I love pickles especially on a burger (think pickle sandwich with a little meat LOL) I think they detract from the meatloaf itself.

[Phentex]

13. I made meatloaf last week. Darn Teenager Termites!

There's never much left for sandwiches! Seems like just yesterday they were picking through my meatloaf and turning up their noses. Now they devour it!

Thanks.

[Lucinda]

4. I'm sooo sorry Phentex.

And I agree with you.
Food is love. Or it's supposed to be.
But then again, I think everything we do should be done with love.

[Phentex]

14. Thank you!

Your bread is an act of love, for sure. :)

[Tangerine LaBamba]

5. The first to go, you said.......

That's just brutal. What was he like? What happened to him? I'm nosy like this, but I do know it's good to talk about these things. I'm Italian - we never shut up about death, and that honestly helps to take some of the sting out of it. Some. Not all, alas.

Food is love. Absolutely.

[Phentex]

16. Not nosy. He had an allergic reaction...

that's all we know for sure right now but an autopsy was done. He was working outside in his yard and couldn't breathe. He called 911, but he was alone and it was too late by the time help arrived.

I come from the typical dysfunctional family with a not-so-happy past. But he rose above it and made a good life for himself and never played the blame game. He had to play the role of father to the rest of us at a very early age but he never resented it.

I'm happy he had a good life.

On top of that, he was the only one who would still eat my mother's fruitcake! :)

[Tangerine LaBamba]

22. He did all right

Sounds like you had a very special man as your brother, and he had someone very special in you. Your love for him shines through.

That's a hell of a way to go. I wonder if he was stung by something? What a loss.

I'm happy, too, that he made a good life for himself, and that, even in your sadness, as I said, your love for him shines through.

Thank you. And good luck.

:toast:

[Stinky The Clown]

6. I agree with your notion that food is love

And love matters

:hug:

[Phentex]

17. Thanks...

Food and copper you mean. ;)

[susanna]

7. Transplanted southerner here...

I loved Carla, and I agree with her. Food isn't love, precisely, but it's community. It's sharing. It's caring. It's so many good things, I lose count. Well, maybe it IS love...

My sincere condolences to you on the loss of your beloved brother. How hard it is to let our loved ones go.

The food doesn't take the place of your loved one, but it begins to form a new place. Of people who love and care for you and try to show it with offerings of peace and nourishment, and a place to begin healing.

Damn, your post choked me up. It was beautiful. Thank you for sharing. :-)

on edit: a brief flash of "typo girl" found its way into my post.

[Phentex]

18. Thanks for your words...

I make food for other people in good times and bad. I just never thought about how much it might mean to someone when they are hurting.

[susanna]

24. You are welcome, Phentex. n/t

[pengillian101]

9. Humor is always good.

My sister-in-law, in her state of mind somewhere between grief and exhaustion, looked around and said, “I should have gone first. Your brother would have loved this.”

[Phentex]

19. I think I can finally

smile at some of the funnier moments now.

[TreasonousBastard]

10. Food is the tangible sharing of love in a community...

and it has always been so in all cultures.

We "break bread" with each other all the time, but at times of great sorrow or great joy the communal table brings us closer together, perhaps even reminding us of how we clung to life while our mothers were feeding us.

Tragedy about your brother, but he would want nothing less than this feasting in his memory.

[Phentex]

20. I think you're right...

Some of my aunts made food for my brother's wedding rehearsal dinner. We talked about that dinner for years!

[hippywife]

11. I won't disagree with you

about food being love. It is a tangible offering of love in many situations, and can be especially at a time like this when it's so difficult to deal with the strong emotions right on the surface. People who aren't good with words at times of sorrow have a way to offer comfort...through food.

I think funereal food also serves other purposes such as the obvious: providing sustenance for the grieving family so they don't have to think about preparing food during this time and bringing together the community. But it also affirms, through nourishment of the body, that life continues. People who eat recognize that they will go forward from this sadness.

I wish you and your family much peace and many happy memories of your brother to ease the pain of his loss. :hug:

[Phentex]

21. Thank you...

I'm really going to think about this the next (unfortunate) time I make something for a friend or relative of mine.

[Tab]

23. Wow. I'm sorry for your loss.

It is amazing, when real tragedy happens, how true family and friends rally about their own. Everyone is so giving.

We're so disconnected in this society that it's often not as obvious as it used to be, but it's still there. It just sometimes takes a little more of an effort to get everyone together, but as far as I can tell, everyone wants to give and help.

Truly sorry about your brother. Losing a close relative or a close contemporary is a little rattling, as I'm starting to find out myself. Unfortunately, as you age, it increases with disturbing accellerency.