Parents of an only child

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

If it wasn't for a medical reason, what made you decide to stop at just one? Did anyone here have their only child while they were in their twenties? I read a lot about older couples in the their late 30's and older who chose to have only one child, but not so much about younger couples.

[AlCzervik]

1. only 1 for me for several reasons

the biggest reason was i had a really hard time getting pregnant and the birth was no cake walk either, i feel lucky to have my daughter and for me i don't feel the urge for more children. I've gotten plenty of crap about it too "Oh she must be lonely, poor thing." I don't she's lonely at all, we've got a small family but a happy one. Also, i know my limits, i dont think i would have had the patience for more than one, some people can do it easily and some can't, that would be me-can't.

[jlucu]

2. Great question!

I'm very interested in this as well.
I have one child (9 months), for a long time "childless by choice" was going to be my future - but my husband and I decided to have a little family :). (By the way I am mid-thirties.)

Now I'm quite happy with one child, with no urge to have more- but I couldn't feel weirder and more out of the loop from most everyone I know. I'm confident my daughter will have a happy life, and I plan to just embrace the fact that we will just be a little bit different from the norm. We'll surround her with her cousins/friends etc etc.

It will be nice to hear from others though!

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

3. Thanks for your reply. I'm particularly curious about

people who had their child in their twenties and made the choice to have their child be an only child, but I'd like to hear from anyone else as well. I've been thinking about having my son be an only child. I had him when I was 23, and he's currently 2 now (and I am of course 25). Frankly, I have never met anyone that started having children in their twenties that didn't have have at least two of them.

I haven't completely decided on this, and it will probably be another 5 years before I've really decided. I've recently become interested in the idea of having an only child mostly because I aspire to have a meaningful career sometime in the near future, and I think having another child would kind of put a damper on some of my own personal goals. Also, I've heard many people talk about how having two is exponentially harder than one. At first I thought I wanted two, to have a sibling for my son, mostly because I was from a family of two children. It was great for me to grow up with my brother, but I remember my mom really wanted to work outside the home, and she didn't get to do this because she had my brother.

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

4. Duplicate post

[skippysmom]

5. We will probably only have one

We're not in our 20s (both 32, and will be trying to have kids within the next year), so we may not be what you're looking for. But we are about 99% sure we will only have one kid.

Our reasons?
1. I am an only child, and for years I hated feeling like a freak. But now that I am older I appreciate the maturity it gave me, and the close relationship I developed with my parents. I think a lot of what is written about only children is fiercely wrong.

2. My husband isn't an only child (one younger brother) but I think he would have liked it. He doesn't feel he gained that much as a person by having a subling.

3. Money. We really couldn't afford another child -- what with daycare, educational expenses, etc.

4. Overpopulation. The world doesn't really need more people.

It's stunning how much misinformation there is out there about only children. I was talking with a good friend of mine last week and she was aghast that we would consider having only one kid because only children were "freaks." Argh.

A good book about this is Bill McKibben's Maybe One. He talks about his decision to stop having kids after they had a daughter. He debunks a lot of myths and talks about the environmental impact of our decisions.

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

6. I've heard about that book,

and I requested it on-line from my local library for home delivery about a week ago. I should be getting it sometime in the next few weeks. It's nice to know you thought it was a good book.

I was not an only child, and neither was my husband. I have one brother who is younger than me by 5 years. The problem that I have is that I actually enjoyed having a sibling. I also think I learned a lot for having a younger brother, like sharing, being responsible for the well-being of another person, and general social skills. My husband doesn't feel he got as much out of his relationships with his siblings as I did. The sibling that he grew up with was his brother, who was younger than him by about 1.5 years. Maybe they were too close in age to develop the kind of relationship I had with my brother.

My husband also has a half-sister who is 18 years younger than him. She obviously didn't have much to do with the development of his character since he was pretty much grown up by the time she was born. She's actually closer in age to our son (her nephew)than she is to her brothers. My son is only seven years younger than her.


I've read some place that there are differences in sibling relationships also based on birth order and gender. I'm not sure how true it is, but supposedly the relationship in a family of two children with the least chance of having sibling rivalry is when the oldest sibling is a girl and the youngest sibling is a boy. This is, of course exactly how my family was set up. Families of two children when a boy is the first born and the youngest child is also a boy will be the most likely to experience sibling rivalry.

Money is also a big issue for us. We're doing alright taking care of one, but I worry about our ability to take care of two (in terms of time and money).

I do think of overpopulation issue too, but really my biggest concern is what family size would make my family the most happy. It's either going to be one or two. I know we definitely could not handle more than two. I'm leaning more toward keeping my family the size it is now.

[skippysmom]

7. Interesting

My husband is four years older than his brother, and there was a lot of sibling rivalry. They certainly do care about each other, but they are very different people.

I know that as an only child, I developed social skills differently -- mostly because I was dealing with adults more than kids -- but I managed to developed them okay. I find that the only difference is that I need more time to myself than people I know with siblings in order to recharge.

Perhaps things will change when we get around to having kids -- maybe we'll want 2 rather than 1 -- but I'm with you on not having more than 2. I have the utmost admiration for anyone who does that.

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

8. I find that I need more time to myself

than most people I know too. My husband is not like this way anyhow. I was an only child for 5 years, so I learned to like spending time by myself. Even after my brother was born, I still played by myself a lot, but less than before. I was a lot older than him, and I obviously wanted to do things kids my age did. We tended to play separately for a while and then together for a while.

[SW FL Dem]

9. My son is adopted

He was born right after my 33rd birthday. We always intended to adopt another, but the timing was never right (I had a career and was up for promotion and/or money was too tight). By the time we were in a position career-wise and financially, my son was 8 and we felt he and we were too old to add a baby to the family. My sister and her hubby are facing the decision now, they have a 16 month old but they are in their 40s and can't afford to wait much longer if they want to have a second.

[gollygee]

10. We're considering having our daughter be an only

My husband doesn't want another and I usually don't but occasionally think maybe I would want one.

We purposely bought a house in a neighborhood of young children, so I'm sure our daughter won't be lonely.

Our decision is based on a number of things. The reasons to stop at one are largely financial, but also that having a baby is not easy. I quite like having a toddler, but I wasn't a big fan of having a baby. I had post-partum depression and my daughter was colicy. I don't really want to go through that again. The *only* reason I've come up with to have another child is that someday I'll be old and I might want more than one adult child around. That's not as good a reason to me as the reasons against having another.

I was 33 when my daughter was born though.

[Killarney]

11. Only one here

We only have one child and had him in our 20's. My husband and I are both only children and really enjoyed our childhoods. We can't imagine it any other way, so that's why we're only having one child.

It's like how some people who have siblings can't imagine only having one child... except it's the opposite. I can't imagine having more than one child. :)

It's what works for our family.

Regarding loneliness, I grew up in a neighborhood with tons of kids my age so I was never lonely. My husband and I made the decision to move into a different neighborhood after we had our child so that there would be other kids his age growing up. I think that's important for onlies.

Also, my parents weren't afraid to be my friend and play with me. I know some parents get uppity about not being your kids' friend but with an only, I think that really helps. I remember hours and hours of whiffle ball in the backyard with Dad and hours and hours of subjecting my mother to pretend play with me being the teacher, her the student, me being the waitress, her the customer, etc. My parents played with me a lot. I do that with my child, too. Comes with the choice to not give him a sibling.

Basically, I think if you look deep inside you'll know. We know that we are done because we feel complete. If you feel complete as a family, then you're done. If you don't feel complete, then don't do anything permanent until you're sure. HTH. :)

[davsand]

12. We stopped at one--but we were old farts to be having babies.

I was 37 by the time I had Material Girl. I had a lot of medical issues while pregnant with her and when the docs said "Don't do this again." I listened...

To be fair, when we chose to have her, we knew then that it was most likely that we'd only do the parenthood thing one time. We both were pretty old to be doing "Baby Boot Camp" for the first time, plus, the economic impact was huge an immediate.

Haven't regretted it much-except for the rare times that I hold somebody's newborn--THEN I wonder if we did the right thing. There is something about that new baby smell...

Anyhow, to do a better job of addressing your real question, I have a family member who had ONE child when she was something like 25 or 26. She also had a lot of complications with her pregnancy (she was diabetic before she ever got pregnant) but she just didn't WANT any more babies.

I know she took a little heat about it from the other teachers (yep--she teaches Elem Ed) but he went ahead and had a vasectomy within a year of the baby being born. C. is about 10 now, and they do not seem to regret it at all.

She and I talked about it one time and her only comment about it all was that it was up to THEM and nobody else. She actually told her Mom that when the pressure for another grandchild got a bit too intense one day. (I kind of wish I'd been a fly on the wall for that one...)

I know that my family never has been critical of our decision to stop at one--but they were here in the are with us when I was pregnant and bedridden. I think it was further hammered home to my Mom that it was a bad idea when she walked into the hospital room and saw me hooked up to about a thousand monitors and tubes while I was in labor. (Come to think of it, however, she was in the middle of menopause when she was the same age I was having a baby. Maybe THAT had an impact on it--I dunno.)

I think every couple has got to make the call all by themselves. What the Grandparents want is not important. What the friends think has no bearing. What anybody else (who is stupid enough to say anything about the subject) thinks is unimportant. Do what YOU think is right.


Laura

[Biased Liberal Media]

13. I'm 26 and we're pretty sure our one and only is it for us

I have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and many problems that make it hard to conceive. If we're blessed with another one, then we'll be happy and will stop there, but we're definitely not getting our hopes up or anything.

I like the idea of one, but I would love to give my daughter a sibling. In any case we're very happy with one, so either way it isn't a huge deal for us.

[AwakeAtLast]

14. The National Guard is stopping me

I'm 34 7/8 (birthday in January). We have a 2 1/2-year-old, which was the age I thought would be good to start trying for another. Well, hubby just found out that he is being sent to Iraq for 18 months. When he gets back I will be 37, and I just think I will not want to get into all of that again at that age. I never thought I would only have one child, but that is what it looks like. I am going through the mourning process of not only having my husband leave, but the loss of not carrying another child. I think it is a mourning process, anyway.

[Chalco]

15. My only child loves it

I had my daughter when I was 44. So I'm obviously in the older mom group. But, she is 12 and has NEVER asked for a sibling. She loves being an only child. She is very aware of getting more attention and goodies than her friends with siblings. She is very aware of the squabbling that goes on as well. Fortunately, we've always had connections with other kids for her. Our next door neighbors have twins the same age. They have spent so much time together we call them the triplets. But, my kid enjoys getting away from them and being alone also. She loves to write, read and draw and can be alone for hours.

I grew up with 2 siblings and had wanted to have more than one, but it just didn't work out that way.

[LibertyLover]

16. One child

My husband and I have one child, an adorable 2 year old little girl whom we adopted. We love her passionately. I would actually like to adopt another little girl, but can't for several reasons. One is money. It cost in excess of $20K just to adopt her. The other is our ages. I'm 51 and my husband is 49. I'm in good health and he is in reasonable health, but I do find it something of a strain to keep up with her sometimes. So, she will be a much loved only child. At least she does have an older sister, my husband's daughter from his first marriage.

[soleft]

17. I had my only child at 26

I'm 42 now. Sometimes I regret that he has no siblings, or that I only went thru the whole process of pregnancy and all the developmental stages once. I'm with a new partner now, a woman who is younger than me, and I often think that if she ever wanted to have a child I'd definitely be on board.

But I'm also realistic about my own limitations. In my thirties I went through a really hard time and wasn't always as present as i wish I could have been. Luckily my son's Dad really was there for both of us - but I wonder how well we would have fared if we had been a larger group.

I think I gave my on everything I had, I think I still give him as much as an physically, emotionally and financially able. And I think it's just enough so he'll really be okay. If I had had to split myself between two or more children, I think they may have felt deprived on some level.

Now - I wasn't consciously thinking of all of this during the years I might have had another child. I think subconciously I was aware of all this, and also that his Dad and I ultimately would not stay together, so some kind of inner wisdome prevailed and we did what I think was the right thing.