I have done something so terrible ...

[Why Syzygy]

Without getting into too much detail, I hope, I have done something I terribly regret.

Due to a tumultuous love affair (ex), intoxication, outrage, unbearable pain, a touch of mental illness and pure wanting to HURT someone, I reported some people. They really were guilty. But that isn't the point. A lot of people could get hurt now, and I'm even afraid for my life if certain people find out who reported. This sounds very dramatic I guess. I can't get my mind off it and my heart is breaking for what I have done. I spent some serious time in the hospital because of my guilt and remorse. I have repented in my heart. I have smudged one of the people involved. He doesn't know what I did. There is a possibility I HOPE that nothing ever comes of it. But I need peace. And I want to undo what I did. I had to ask myself, would I be willing to pay the price that they may be facing should the reports be brought against them. I cannot honestly say I would. So does that mean I'm not really repentent? I have and am making myself suffer. What should I do? How does a Pagan repent? I'm willing to do everything in my power to stop any harm from coming to anyone else. I've been in trouble myself and paid the price, but that was my own fault and not because someone was trying to hurt me. I don't know who else to ask.

[stellanoir]

1. First

BREATHE !!!

I've no clue for what you reported these folks, but what's done is done.

You have to surrender this whole ordeal to the authorities involved as well as the cosmic parole board. Beating yourself up simply isn't gonna do anyone any good.

I'm not involved in law enforcement but legal repercussions are usually based on evidence not hearsay or the say so of one individual.

Working on forgiving yourself and finding some way to counter balance the scale with good deeds and/or maybe some sort of volunteer work will alleviate and redirect much of your remorse.

You may want to consider recontacting whomever you filed this report and express your misgivings and ask them of the likely repercussions as well.

"To err is to be human."

I'm glad you posted here, hope we can help in some way, that you will transmute this unsettling conflict ASAP, and feel much better very soon.

[Why Syzygy]

2. There is evidence

and there is no way for me to rescind my report. I can compare this to once when I spotted a shoplifter. I saw her put on several belts in one store, followed her to the next store and saw her stealing greeting cards. I notified the store personnel. I saw her collapse as they confronted her. She was clearly guilty. I don't know what happened to her. But in Real Life stealing from the store is stealing from all of us. So did I do the right thing?

I want to confess to one party what I did. He will have to swear not to tell another soul and will probably hate me forever. He's already pretty disgusted with me and has left me due to another incidence, after swearing he would do anything to keep us together. We were on shaky ground anyway and now aren't supposed to have any more contact. But we still love each other. It's a twister only I could come up with, really.

At least I've decided to change my Reality drastically and choose my companions with much more care.

ACK! Breathe. That's a good one.

[stellanoir]

3. No biggie on the shoplifter and if she collapsed

she probably needed some help anyway.

As to confessing to this man with whom you already have an incredibly volatile relationship, I don't have a particularly good feeling about you doing that. It feels a bit unwise and a bit reactionary. It feels as though 'fessing up to him will not remedy and will more than likely complicate things even further.

Maybe confide in someone more removed from the situation and let some time pass till you get some clearer perspective.

[Cleita]

4. Sorry, posted to the wrong post.

[Why Syzygy]

8. I believe

that is good advice.

[Cleita]

5. You should look into the twelve step program for

addicts and alcoholics. Everyone who has been under the influence has done hurtful things to others that they regret. Part of the program is about actions you can take to make up for any wrongs you have done and it's also about repentance and forgiveness. I don't have them in front of me but I'm sure a google will turn them up.

Your shoplifter was probably a kleptomaniac, which is a disease, and you probably did her a favor as she might get the help she needs for this condition.

[Why Syzygy]

9. Thanks, Cleita

I'm very familiar with 12 step programs. Actually in real practice, they can be very harmful for some people. Often the program removes a person's ability to think for themselves. They are taught slogans and phrases instead of speaking in a language that actually resolves issues. I am on two email groups that hold this same thinking. The tales are endless. AA has broken up families. It was instrumental in dissolving my first marriage, which may or may not have survived. There are many people who recover without 12 steps. They are freethinkers. Other people telling them what to think is unacceptable for them. I'm one of those. But in the spirit of freedom of religion, for those who want it, I respect their choice.

But thanks for your thoughts. I do hope she got help. I've known other grown women who had the same problem, and therapy helped them overcome it.

[Cleita]

10. Fair enough. I know I couldn't do AA. I'm too much of a

free thinker, but there was one step that did impress me and that was where a recovering substance abuser had to apologize to everyone whom they hurt because of their addiction.

An employee of mine who stole from me to accommodate a drug habit, did just that about five years after I fired him for stealing. He was clean and I felt his apology was sincere. I never saw him again, but I ended up feeling much better about him and I hope he went on to lead a productive life.

[Why Syzygy]

11. I try to practice that also ..

just because it is the right thing to do. In several cases I have approached long standing ill will and offered peace. Sometimes it is accepted and sometimes it isn't. But I feel better for having made the effort. That is one reason this is so troubling to me because telling on myself is not going to help anyone. I was hoping to resolve the situation that perpetuated this whole scenario with a peace, with limits. I cannot have people trying to hurt me and peace at the same time.

Last summer I called my ex-MIL to offer understanding and peace. She didn't like me very much. She was very receptive and it was a healing experience. I'm glad your former employee was able to make an amend.

I don't think this person would consciously rip someone off. Well, that's wrong because I know he has. And I didn't like it. The whole ordeal has left me in a financial bind. It is hard to hold onto hope after everything that has happened. He has broken his word so many times, and his co-hort in the whole affair told me outright one time that agreements mean nothing. He laughed at me when I pointed out that someone had broken an agreement. That tells you a lot about someone. I don't make agreements I don't intend to honor. Most of the people I've known are the same way. I feel like I got sucked into a vortex.

[davsand]

6. We design our own versions of hell.

I have long believed that we invent our own "hell" or maybe a better way to phrase it would be "we design our own torment." Our individual hell is created out of guilt, anger, and regret.

The only salvation from that "hell" is to look at what you have done, forgive yourself and then move on. If it takes making amends to those you feel you've wronged in order for you to forgive yourself, then you should do so.

Now, I have NO idea what has transpired between you and this other person you talk about--a former love interest it sounds like. I DO want to ask you this: When you acted in a way that you felt would hurt that person, it sounds like you were in some sort of altered state--chemical, I'd guess. Had you thought about hurting this person BEFORE you got drunk or used whatever chemical it was that played a role in all of this?

Were you angry and acting out of anger or were you acting out of sear and pain? I think there is a substantial difference in those two things.

Acting in anger is a revenge/choice thing--pure and simple. THAT kind of impulse is something that a lot of people have to confront in life, it is also something we CHOOSE to do. We choose to let it manifest, and I'd suggest you consider what it was, exactly, that made you so angry that you lost impulse control.

If you acted in fear and pain, I think that is still a problem for you emotionally, but it is something that is more readily understandable. To take a lesson from our animal brothers, an animal that is injured or in pain will respond in ways they might not usually (maybe by biting, for example.)

Did you "bite" out of pain and anger? It is an instinctive response to pain in many situations, and I think you can learn to forgive yourself over time if you reacted in a self protective way.

I wish you well, and I wish you healing. I will tell you, however, that you sound like you have some very real issues with this other person, and I suspect that they may have a basis in more than just this incarnation. You may wish to consider that idea and see if it feels "right" to you. You may have reacted the way you did because of stuff that you do not remember on a conscious level yet.

Regards.


Laura

[Why Syzygy]

7. Thank you so much

for your reply. Everything rings true. I battle an addiction. Over the past year I have made a lot of progress. But this other person, we're calling him, is a trigger for me to lose control.

It is very possibly related to another incarnation. We read each other's minds and think the same thing at exactly the same moment. We are both into spiritualism and I have even felt him lying beside me in bed when we were in two different places. Stuff like that. If that is the case, I think I know how to deal with it. I've had to settle a karma before. I like to finish things. But I find it almost impossible to do in just about everything, actually. I've been told it is part of my personality type.

I also have issues with feeling betrayed. Those are the times that trigger me. He didn't understand that until we had a couple of co-therapy meetings and it was explained to him. I am extra self protective. So it pained me and I acted out. Of what, I can't say. No, I would never behave that way without chemical influence. I'm pretty rational most of the time, which is one thing he commented on that when I acted that way it was totally out of character, irrational.

There is also the control issue. I liked his take charge attitude, but there have got to be limits as to how much control one person has. We learned and taught each other. He told me when we first met that I was his teacher. That kind of spooked me. That's what relationships are for anyway, to grow and learn. Sometimes we don't like what we learn. But it is necessary.

I have handled the addiction problem once and for all. I'm sure of it. There is no way out but through from now on. Yes, we create our own hells. Guilt, anger and regret. I never forget. I was still angry about a situation that happened five months ago. Etc. Maybe I need to learn to forgive others. Or demand better treatment. This has got to be a growth spurt for me. Nothing else feels this way.

I have been working on my issues in therapy. I was hesitant to begin again because I know that often means changes.

There is no way for me to make restitution for those people, if they are punished, unless I'm willing to go to jail for them, which I am not. Can I forgive them for ripping me off? Because they did. That's what I need. A way to forgive.

Thank you for your thought provoking post.

ps. It has also taught me that commitment means that we can get through anything together. He gave me a non-commitment. Kept telling me that this wasn't "forever". I said, fair enough. Then he started telling me he WOULD abandon me someday. I find that very strange. So, if I'm abandoned, I strike out. What would you call that?

[davsand]

15. Something really caught my eye in your response.

You said, "...I like to finish things. But I find it almost impossible to do..."

In a situation where you are both resolving old baggage, it isn't always up to you alone to fix it all, no matter how you try. We can only impact on ourselves and our responses to others. I hesitate to say "we 'control' ourselves only," because I do think that until we work thru the baggage we usually respond, rather than choose/control our actions.

That single aspect of your response really jumped out at me because the illusion of "control" is one that most of us battle at some point in our lives. We CHOOSE how we act in response to stimulus, and we DECIDE how we will act. Any "control" is an internal thing for us all.

Having said all that, I will also say that anyone who tells you they are imparting the only "right" answer is either a liar or a deluded fool--in either case you probably shouldn't listen to them. :)

Brightest Blessings to you. I do hope you find your path to be a brighter one in the future.



Laura

[Why Syzygy]

16. I have realized

through this all that this person is attuned to a wave length that is cultish. No judgment.
He has told me he wants someone to take him by the hand, which I did, and lead him. No one is capable of doing that for another person. I have struggled my own way through and each much do so on their own. I do have some understanding because I too used to want a formula. Just tell me the answer, and I will follow. That kind of thing. That is where he is stuck. I have released him to find Freedom of Thought and Feeling. I don't want to control him. I know others do want to control him. I wish him Freedom.

I spoke with a very wise friend tonight and he gave me this: "Let It Go". I cannot do "God's will". I cannot go with "The Universe is all as it should be". I can go with "Let It Go".

This person is trapped in a cultish mindset. I don't know how to reach that. I don't know that it is my business to do so. But unless he lets go, as I am struggling to do, then, each his own.

As far as deciding how we act .. I am highly sensitive. I have to use sage and every means possible, which I have neglected, which probably could have been put to good use, although I gave this person all kinds of Reiki and Clearing for HIM, not for me .. but I have to Let Go. Which I believe is what you are saying. It takes a couple of sticks up side my head sometimes to get me to understand. I cannot move this person off his personal pursuit. I believe he was better off when we were pursuing together. But I always felt a stress. Like I was responsible for him "getting it". I'm a great teacher. But even the best teacher cannot make a student learn. I can't see that he offered anything in the way of my personal advancement. He admits he is a taker. He claims he destroys women's lives. I take that as a challenge and a prophecy. I won't go down without a fight. I have felt like I was down for the count. Everyone tells me to "dump him". Not so easy. But I've been reading the Secret thread and am watching the movie. Only the strong survive? I wish everyone Freedom. No one should be in bondage. He is in bondage to his own limited belief systems, even though he saw in me a Free Spirit. I can't hold that against him.

I have so much to learn. The best teacher learns all the time. I've been called to be healer/teacher. I can't help it. I falter. But then I learn more.

And yes, control is central. That's what my sage told me tonight. I am fortunate in that I have a sage. Someone I sought eight years ago, and he appeared. He is still in my life. Attraction, manifestation and intention. These are my lessons. And the ability to use them correctly.

I don't know that I will be any more able to finish things. But I will set my intention on doing so. Much unfinished business is so heavy. No, it is not only my responsibility, but I must feel that I've done what I can.

I know the part about the only "right" answer. Right on. I've actually been glad he is not here today and tonight, even though I was having heebie jeebies all weekend. No. I don't have to work out his stuff. That's what makes it so wonderful to grow. We do it. Like, this may be an old cliche', but what if someone holds a child up all their life and they never learn to walk on their own? How does that help? Who does that help? This may seem so elementary to those of you who are so far more advanced than I.

Believe it or not, I do have access to Power. Just as everyone does. How do we express it? How do we make it manifest? As mentioned in another post, this is such a growth experience for me. I'm falling down and getting up. Falling down and getting up. I'm so glad to be with friends who don't mind me falling down. No one minds when a child learning to walk falls on her butt. I feel so much like a little child learning to walk. And so privileged to be among encouragement to go ahead and stand back up and try again. Fall down 7 times, get up 8, was always my motto. But the 8th time has been a bitch for me. I won't deny it.

I don't know how to reach someone who is intent on finding the one solution. I was there before, and was just not satisfied with the non-solutions. Maybe I can be there for someone else in the same situation. Maybe not. But I already feel this situation has made me stronger. And especially the response from this community. Wise souls.

I have to Let It Go. ... My actions are to take the best control of myself I can. And wish he and all do the the same. This experience has made me stronger. And so it is.

What does this have to do with DU? Please don't think that I don't care about the world torment. But don't we have to deal with this one on one? I may be wrong. But We must start healing here in our own environments before we see world healing. Correct me if I am wrong.

I don't know what to do about the regional conflicts. It is all one on one. If one brother can offer another peace, then what? Each is his own brother, in peace. I wish Freedom for All. If I had a God, I would pray. The only God I know is Brotherhood/Sisterhood. ... I know there are sick SOB's on the planet, and I don't know how they got here or why they are here. Maybe the same reason we all struggle. I don't know. I can't stand the violence. I used to cry myself to sleep praying for the middle east in the '80s. It didn't help evidently. But I won't give up any more on them than I will on my personal situation. We have Power. Watch The Secret. Pray. Meditate. Grieve. Cry. Care. This is our only stand. History. We all perish. But how. In honor or disgrace?

I call Honor.

[Coyote_Bandit]

12. Hmmmmmm

Seems to me that you think you need to apologize or somehow confess for reporting what you perceive to be some kind of legitimate misconduct to the authorities.

I really see two issues here. First, there is the issue of the misconduct itself. Second, their is your own assessment of your behavior in contacting the authorities and reporting it. Don't confuse the two.

There are no secrets in the universe. There is nothing hidden that will remain secret. And it is never wrong to speak the truth. The authorities are not going to pursue any action against someone solely on your word. They will only do so if they have corroborating evidence. That is especially true in a case where there is a tumultuous past relationship between accuser and accused. So don't blame yourself if someone else reaps the consequences of their own misdeeds.

No doubt your judgment was impaired and you regret your actions. But don't make yourself responsible for things you cannot control. The authorities may or may not pursue this matter. Guess what? The same thing could have been said absent your report. Don't make yourself responsible for either the misconduct or the decision to pursue and punish that misconduct.

You must be aware of your own needs and take care of yourself. Certainly it might not be wise to confess your part in making a report to the authorities to any of the participants. Especially since you have indicated that you believe your life might be endangered if that were known.

Your only offense was committed against yourself. You acted rashly without caution while intoxicated and under emotional duress. You wanted to hurt someone and your motives were not pure. These are all internal issues which are completely separate and distinct from whether or not someone else should or should not reap the consequences of their actions.

So the real question is are you willing and able to forgive yourself and work to change those things that caused this behavior?

This is my own take as someone who has lived with and come to terms with my own regrets. Hope it helps.

[lildreamer316]

13. Did you ever stop to think..

that maybe all this was supposed to happen this way for the other people to learn a life lesson of some sort? That maybe you are just functioning as the teacher/helper in enabling them to learn the lesson the only way it will stick? It's always a possibility.
Everyting happens for a reason.
Please let go of the guilt, it does no one any good to hold onto it too long. Take your lesson, resolve to act differently, and move foreward. You'll be fine. Really. Breathe, as someone said above.

[Why Syzygy]

14. Update ..

This person came by this morning to fix a wall. He has moved out. But left me in a real bind. I offered to try to help, and he interpreted that as "blackmail". So, I'm clean. I tried.

Yes, I have found in a few other situations that I seem to function as a karma angel. I don't like it, but I guess someone has to do it. I regret that I acted rashly. But I agree with you. Perhaps they need lessons, just as I do.

I have enough to deal with the mess he left me in without worrying about trying to help someone else. I have been told many times to take care of myself and stop trying to save the world. Maybe that is my lesson brought home big time.

Thanks to all for your support. It has really helped me. Blessings to all.