Is anyone interested in a little pre-holiday check in?

[EFerrari]

I can go first.

Here on the ranch since August and it's been easier than I thought it would be. And four days until I get to see a real doc for the first time in three years. The answer to "do I really need my depression and anxiety meds" is yes. lol

I'm not sure I'll be doing the holidays this year although I have been cooking and baking again and a lot lately, and that's been good to do. Mostly just trying to walk the day, day by day.

In a way, it's easier to do that up here because there is so much prompting from others where in the city, I didn't have a lot of stuff coming in from the outside to deal with.

I don't really have a plan for the holidays right now. Mom is super invested in us all getting together because she rightfully feels mortal at 77. My brother has all kinds of hell breaking loose on him but seems sort of oblivious to the rest of us. I don't think I'm up for being the glue just now. There's a balancing act in there somewhere.

But in any case, it's nice to be able to check in.

[Forkboy]

1. There's holidays coming up?

;)

There's nothing going on here, no plans to get together with anyone, no turkey....good times! I'm going to make a crock pot full of sauce and meatballs and have spaghetti and listen to obnoxious music all day.

So pretty much what I always do. :P

:hug:

[EFerrari]

3. That sounds really good.

I think I may make a list of movies to rent or even, splurge on a NetFlix subscription for the duration. :)

[redqueen]

2. This was so much easier when I was in denial.

I can't even talk about it. I feel so much guilt...

[EFerrari]

4. What is the guilt over? I feel some guilt about potentially making Mom unhappy

if I decide not to serve this year. I honestly don't think I could get through it without a fifth in my apron and then, maybe no one else will get through it. LOL

[redqueen]

5. Too many things to list...

and doing so would make me upset.

Good luck getting through them...

[EFerrari]

6. Well, stupid question award goes to Beth, then.

I've no idea how this will go, redqueen. But having you all to check in with is a big comfort to me. Thank you so much.

[EFerrari]

7. Got to see a (good) doc today, first time in three years.

Meds soon.

Happy dance.

:)

[redqueen]

8. Yay!

:toast:

[Odin2005]

9. These short days suck for my mood, I'm really down.

:(

[EFerrari]

12. I'm like a sunflower, too, most of the time.

It's a real challenge to get enough light.

[blues90]

10. Oh man the holidays .

Last year my wife and I did the turkey dinner for both thanksgiving and X-mas . Well she made the dinner , I carved and cleaned up everything.

She makes the best dinners.

We are both depressed people. We both deal with panic and anxiety but it affects us differently.

We have been on just about every med and nothing really worked , they just seem to numb everything.

This year we are not going to do the thanksgiving dinner. It is sort of depressing but the stress for her is too much this time.

We used to know everyone in the 10 unit building we live in since 1982 . All who are left are two ladies both our age in their 60's , one is a over the top in everyones business and the other thinks the world of herself. We used to know many people up and down our street, all have either died or moved years ago.

We have no relatives here or no children of our own.

I think the worst part is remembering past years and the feeling of holiday spirit that seems long gone these days.

Last year was the best we had in many years and mainly because my wife made it so through her efforts and this got me going so I cleaned the entire apt while she cooked.

This year a dark cloud seemed to roll in.

If we did not have our cats we would pack up and do a road trip of some sort just to get a different view.
we have not been 50 miles from home in 15 years at least.

Sorry to bring in the depressing ring.

[EFerrari]

13. Real is good. What will you do instead?

[david13]

11. I hope I make it through the holidays. It's a trying time. We have had

so much bad news and setback lately, but today, just maybe a good solution, if only for a while longer.
I would like to get a turkey going, but I can't manage it. But the last 2 years I could and did, so, one year without is not too bad.
It's easier if I don't think about it or plan, etc. No money means no plans, just one day at a time.
dc

[EFerrari]

14. Handling expectations is better than having them handle you.

That's for sure. We've had a string of setbacks, too, so I still don't know what will happen either Thursday or through the new year. I don't like the uncertainty. It feels like a set up to me.

In any case. Here's to a tight roof, something on the table and this internet connection. It's more than I've had on more than one holiday. :)

[mopinko]

15. there will be a hole in my holidays.

long simmering conflicts with my extended family have boiled over. just tired of them. i skipped a wedding in september, and skipped a funeral this last weekend. nobody seems to give a shit.
i have exactly 3 people that i care to ever talk to again, and i email them from time to time.
it is not how i want it. but it is the only alternative that i see to their judgmental bullshit. always was the red headed stepchild, and just too old for that kind of undercutting crap. so, the hole goes way back. hopefully i can start to fill it in, now.
families can really suck.

on the plus side, my kids will all be here, with their SO's. my 2 oldest have been doing a lot of cooking, and should be a great dinner. i have a kitchen built for many cooks, and it is finally getting them.

i sort of have a theory about families, and kids leaving at 18. right now i have 4 kids at home, aged 33, 24, 18 and 16. they have spent parts of their lives hating each other, and/or me. but living together as adults, i see them working it out. seems like that interdependence at an age when you are mature enough to work out the differences might be what it takes to have a family bond that lasts.
or at least i hope that is how it works.

best wishes to all of you. hope that you have loves, and low stress. hard as that might be.

[EFerrari]

16. I was always the stepchild too when I leave my official role as utility/clean up batter

which a more cynical person might take as a broad hint NEVER to do that. lol

:hug:

It's nice that you have kids there and cool to see them working things out. One of my boys is in prison. He was popped for dealing pot in Berkeley. He'll be there through December if not longer. It looks pretty scary for him right now as this is his second offense, iirc. I can't even explain how this happened because I don't understand meth. At least I know he's alive.

Anyway, the other kid is fine but he's going to New York for the holiday. That leaves my mother and my brother and me and I'm still not speaking to my brother over my rose garden although, he doesn't know that. When I pointed this out to Mom, she said, "Well, I'm going to die soon" so I'm pretty much screwed no matter what I chose to do. If I get a "sick headache" and hide out in the studio with a batch of Forkboy's Meatballs, I'll feel guilty. If I cook for these peoples, I'll feel mad. lol

Oh, whatEVER.

:)

[mopinko]

17. OH! SHIT!

damn. i am so sorry to hear about your son. damn. damn. and with things the way they are out there, it is hard to hope that a little time to cool his heels will do him any good.
fuck. when are we going to wise up and figure out how to treat these brain dysfunctions instead of punishing people and likely making them worse!!!!!
i am so sorry for you. please refrain from blaming yourself for this in any way. bad genes are bad genes. you did everything you could to keep that from playing out in the worst way. you fought a heroic battle.
maybe you will still win, and he will get the help he needs and get straightened out. fuck.

go ahead and make a pie or two. you do get to eat them, anyway.
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[EFerrari]

18. Thanks, mo. My kids have 3 grandparents that had booze trouble.

Two of them were really serious. My theory is that our junkie genes find each other so they can breed. But I think that this kid's meth thing is more related to ADD. This is the same kid that didn't want to be on psych "drugs". Now I'm thinking, he was already using and he didn't want a doctor to know that. :shrug:

Turns out my brother isn't only coming for dinner. He's going to be living here for a while. It's a long story but he's having trouble finding a house to rent close to his kids. So, he'll be here until he finds something. The upside is that we called DishNet to wire all four teevees -- that'll help keep us out of each others hair. TG my studio is pretty much self-sufficient and has its own entrance.

It's a good thing I came with that extra flexibility feature. Speaking of which, I'm almost done with the shopping list for tomorrow. Now I just have to get up the moral energy to go to Safeway the day before Thanksgiving. Argh.

[mopinko]

19. safeway the day before thanksgiving

aaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh

good luck with the bro.

[Irishonly]

20. I Hope Everyone Made It Through OK

My husband suffers from PTSD, severe depressive episodes, anxiety and a couple of other things. Last suer he also had to have a hip replaced and found out he has a severe vitamin D deficiency as well as low calcium. I suffer from depression which is supposed to be because of chronic pain. We are quite a pair.

This Thanksgiving was hard. Our daughter moved to Sacramento and it was a mess. Neither of us really knew what she was planning to do. Her current boyfriend is a POS. I never knew how much a child could break your heart. We didn't hear from her for over a month.

On the upside she will be here for Christmas and is finally talking to us again. You have just read the condensed version.

Thanksgiving turned out fine. I guess we just keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk the baby steps.

[mopinko]

21. sigh, kids can break your heart.

oldest daughter is having a tough time, and blew up on us. not only spent thursday in her room, she hasn't come out since. throwing around shit from her childhood (she is 33), and saying she has no family. didn't eat any turkey, even after people went to bed. made a frozen pizza.
she has really been so prickly since she moved back home in september. taking offense at the smallest things. clearly struggling. with all the bp in the family, i am so worried about her. and even tho i take most of what she says at coming from some distortions in her perception, it sure does hurt to have those teenaged wounds thrown up again.
i am worried and hurt.
god damned holidays. and i was sure this was going to be a good one.

[EFerrari]

22. My oldest unloaded on me and let me have it with both barrels yesterday.

His aim is painfully accurate and I may have to take a sick today. Right now, I never want to speak to him again. I know he's feeling insecure, he's literally between jobs and he had been drinking. But tearing your mom's head off on a holiday weekend should be beyond the pale.

[Irishonly]

23. It should be

I never realized you can survive such horrible heartbreak. Our daughter shocked everyone that knows her. I think all of the tears I have shed since October could have made the drought go away.

I hope your son has an awakening soon. Parents love their kids and want them to be happy. :hug:

[mopinko]

26. we all do the best we can, however woefully inadequate that might be to the

needs of said kids. you just figure at some point, they realize that simple little fact. i guess mine will figure it out at about 50-something.

[mopinko]

24. dh and i are fairly seriously considering xmas in vegas or something.

oldest son has sided with his sister, responding to my concerns that perhaps this is serious, and beyond the norm, by assuring me that i am every bit as big an ass as she thinks i am. that i am a horrible witch. (and i was not even here for the fight that started the whole things, but...) that i am just in denial, that is why i am trying to push this idea that perhaps someone who spends 4 days in their room, barely eating, not getting dressed, imagining that we all hate her and are out to subjugate and destroy her, might be suffering from some neurochemical imbalance.

these kids live in the lap of luxury around here. they have no idea what it means to miss a meal. all imagine to have been raised with absolutely draconian discipline, even tho we could never get them to pick up after themselves. daughter recalls the one time that dh ever hit her, after an absolutely over the top rant at me, as a history of "beatings". we sure weren't perfect. but damn, my parents, his parents, drunk and crazy. argh. i could go on and on.

i just have no desire to spend another holiday with people sneering and locking themselves in their room.

[laylah]

25. ...

:hug: Don't blame you but I am sorry for the situation.

[EFerrari]

27. Maybe we could get group rates!

My birthday is coming up in a mess of December birthdays and then Christmas and New Years. After this weekend, I'm done, no kidding. My brother went off on me on Thursday, promised Mom he'd apologize and didn't and now this.

They need to hire someone new to put the funk back into dysfunctional because I think I'm about all finished here.

If I cook, it'll be off days for Mom who really loves it. The rest of the time, I've two book proposals to work on and you all (thankfully) to talk to. Sheesh.

[mopinko]

28. oh, hell, let's have a convention.

i just got this feeling that we are not alone.

[Lorien]

29. One of my friends did not:

http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/os-orlando-armed-suspect-20091125,0,2802033.story

He wasn't a threat to anyone.There was no argument that morning, the day before thanksgiving. There's so much more to the story, but I can't write about it yet.

[EFerrari]

30. Oh dear lord.

:hug:

[mopinko]

31. second that oh dear lord.

wtf

[EFerrari]

32. Round Two: run up to Christmas.

Yesterday I got into it with my mother who suggested that I farm out my dog while the nieces visited because one of them (who is likely bi-polar and untreated at 11) won't come here if the dog is here. My dog is gentle, doesn't bark, has never shown her teeth, etc. I objected, pointing out that validating the kid's fear might not be great in the long term and we could compromise by having the dog in my studio and out of sight. Apparently, the little girl won't come here if the dog is anywhere on the premises.

I lost it and said I'd be happy to leave with the dog while the kids where here but there was no way I'd farm out my dog alone. Geebus. That dog is my 10 milligram valium and I need her especially on the high family volume holiday days.

And after I said that, there was some yelling at each other and some crying alone in the studio and that was that. Trying to get Mom out of the middle, I called my brother's cell and left a message to the effect that I would be happy to decamp with the dog and that he needed to let me know what his plan was.

Today, brother says nothing about the message and I don't bring it up. Sometimes I think my bro is a very high functioning Aspie and that I just don't know enough about that. I'm going to try to talk to him on Monday morning, early and at a quiet time but those are hard to find because he's perpetually busy and always a little late so it's hard to snag him for a conversation.

Meanwhile, I'm doing the non-violent, non-interactive cookie baking which gives the illusion of calm and plenty, thanks to the Cooking and Baking forum. That's always been my favorite part anyway. lol

Mom and bro always do The Very Last Minute; I like planning. So this time out, I've requested a pizza for Christmas Eve and I'll cook some dinner the next day but plan to hide out in the studio with some of Forkboy's meatballs and with my dog. I'm making the girls their own gingerbread houses and that will be that.

There's 'way too much chaos around here. Thank goodness for sleeping cats. I can feel my blood pressure easing up just by looking at them.

[mopinko]

33. i never let anyone push my dogs around.

every now and then we would have a kid come over who thought we ought to put the dogs up somewhere. i always told them that- a- this is their home, too. and b- someone might accidently let them out, anyway. so, get over it or go home.
i usually would talk to them and they would tell me they had been bitten, or a sib had been, or something. i would ask them to tell me about it, and they would always tell the story with relish. when they were done i would say- see, you have quite a story to tell, don't you?
somehow after that, they were usually ready to meet the dogs, and they found out they were all nice people. more than one ended up playing nintendo with a dog in their lap.
that would be a great thing for your niece. who knows?

so, things are pretty quiet here, but i am pretty- make your own xmas, kiddies. i am too old and tired to give a shit. they are supposed to make some cookies over the weekend. i might help out, but i have sworn i would not care. somehow i think they will survive.
i am, however, open to starting a pool for the first person to have a meltdown.

[EFerrari]

34. Now, THERE is an interesting idea.

We could take bets on who will meltdown first. Individualized Family Christmas Bingo. :hug:

lol

Hey, I got a letter from my kid in prison today. He actually sounds pretty good. No meth since the first week in October seems to be agreeing with him to a degree. He asked me if I can get him a book, "Behold A Pale Horse" but didn't give me an author and there are about five different books under that title. If anyone has a clue as to which one it likely is, I'd be very grateful. lol

Hang in, my friend. Maybe we can put our Bingo cards together and play over the holiday. :silly:

[mopinko]

35. somehow i suspect those bingo cards are out there.

just a hunch. all the best ideas seem to be already taken.

great that you heard from your son. wish i could help with the book, but all i know is that there is a johnny cash song like that. it's a biblical passage, i believe.
glad to hear he is well, and clean. hope he can hang on to it. he still has time to have a different life. but he better hold on with both hands.

[laylah]

36. Got fired yesterday...

had been there since november '08, pristine record until i disclosed my bi-polar mid-july, downhill from there. busted me for eating a french fry yesterday, said that was the last straw and fired me.

have been doing theta healing for about 2 months now and am grateful for it. prior to theta, i'd be hysterical over this turn of events, now, i'm just sad and hanging onto the "now". the Creator of All will take care of me, there is something very good waiting in the wings.

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays all :hug:

[EFerrari]

37. I'm sorry, laylah.

:hug:

[laylah]

39. Thank you...

:hug:

[Odin2005]

38. (((HUGS)))

:hug:

[laylah]

40. And here you are again...

a major :hug: to you. I'm hanging in there...God/ess has great plans for me. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours, Odin.

[EFerrari]

41. Happy New Year, loves.

I'm cooking for Mom tonight, just some humble eggplant. There's a big moon to walk the dogs with. Got another letter from my younger son yesterday, a long lovely letter. Other than the fact that this generic prozac doesn't seem to be doing anything, things are calm here.

:grouphug:

[mopinko]

42. phew- 4 parties in 2 days. damn. not dead yet.

happy new year all. best to you all.
the people who have to struggle mightily to achieve what so many take for granted are my heroes.

[EFerrari]

45. Power partying!

lol

I salute the members of this forum who made it to January 2 (myself included). Today, I washed that season right outta my hair, did up the studio and played Scrabble while finishing up the last of the last, gingerbread house for the niece people. It's not finished but is ready for the barn raising in the morning.

Mom has been my go-between to family here from El Salvador and other foreign points. When I'm 77, I want to go to a party a day like she does. And we've completely flipped our roles. "Don't be home too late, young lady". "Stop nagging at me".

lol :hi:

[Lorien]

43. An exhausting end to another difficult year

I forced myself to be social on Christmas day, though I haven't wanted to talk much to anyone since at least Thanksgiving. I'm still reeling from my friend Palin's death, which was such a horrible, tragic, pointless waste. I'm still searching desperately for some kind of social services that offers basic mental health care. I can't afford meds or a doctor, so I'm looking for any special programs that I could enroll in now that I'm living below the poverty line. I have some paperwork to apply for "help" with the cost of Wellbutrin through a program that appears to be underwritten by Big Pharma. If I don't do something quickly I'll be out of work completely. Not only is work nearly impossible to find, but it takes me for bloody ever to complete it when I do find it because my ADD, CFS and depression has become so severe. I live in a "purple" state where disability isn't an option for anyone with an IQ over 90 who can sit upright for four hours and punch a keyboard. The disabled are generally forced enter the ranks of the homeless here in Florida. There's even three paralyzed guys in wheelchairs living on the streets around my neighborhood-the State has no compassion for them whatsoever (this is the city that has made it a crime to feed the homeless, after all). They offer the less than fortunate ZIP. So it's get-better-or-lose-it-all time right now. Needless to say, I don't sleep much anymore. :-(

[EFerrari]

44. I'm sorry, Lorien.

:hug:

[blues90]

46. We did make through the holidays

I was not into them as always. On Nov 10th I turned another year older , didn't need that then thanksgiving came an we bought a premade dinner , then on Dec 8th my wife turned another year older them we battled with X-mas . We got everything to make the meal but did not do it until the 26th . Played the traditional X-mas music to get in the spirt and now that's it's over I miss it , there is nothing left to look forward to. I go through this cycle every year.

It seems only when we have to face something and work as a team that we are both ok. We just have to work on getting out of this apt and that is the big step , a real big step.

I wish we could just move somewhere and see a different view , breath different air . something, anything.

[EFerrari]

47. I think of Jan 2 as a few weeks away from baseball.

What's the deal with the apartment, blues?

[blues90]

48. the apt , we have been here since 1981

Everything around us has changed into new horrific buildings and everyone we did know moved away years ago. It is difficult to go outside on the same streets when everything has changed from when we had good times here. In this area in the heart of Hollywood everyone moves in and out and it's really for the young.

I see an old building one day and the next a bare lot with a chain link fence and forget what was there and the bare spot may stay that way for years.

I am not good with change like this. I guess it's all part of getting old or rather being old.