a little progress today.

[mopinko]

he is still a little pissed that i asked the internist to give him a referral to a shrink. i have been trying to take the sting out of that, telling him that i just wanted him to know that if he felt he needed that, i wanted him to have a place to start. but that ought to be a test right there. how upset does the person get when you say shrink?

but i sent him a long e-mail today asking him what you are supposed to do when you think your spouse is crazy. it was a long list of things i have done in recent days and weeks to try to help him, posed as "are you supposed to.." take them to the doctor, help them sleep well, take them to the blues fest, and don't let them get mad and leave, etc.
and also telling him that the thing i don't like about his therapist is that she doesn't answer phone calls. she has left him hanging a couple of times, including 25 minutes in the courtyard of her office on his way to the first appointment. he was calling her for help to find the office, and she didn't answer the phone, or return his messages. i can only imagine how painful and confusing that must have been. i told him that i thought that probably felt bad, and so i was mad at her for that. i told him that he deserved a therapist that is there for him when he needed her.
his response had little to do with what i said to him, but it opened up the silence. he then sent me an e-mail about his revue at work, assuring me that he was as brilliant and adored as ever. i could honestly reply with great relief to that. he has talked about the stress there, and he had me worried. i think he always had comfort in the authority and control he has there, and i hope he can hang on to that.
so, we talked a little on the phone. touchy, but not out of control. i was able to remind him of some of the moments when our kids got out of control, and how scary it was. i also told him that i felt better now that more things are in the works, and he has more people to turn to. we both agreed to try to dial it all back, like i can get any more dialed back while i fear for his life and mine, but heh.
i feel better. i hope we can stay calm. his sleep is still bad. his cold is clearing up, but he is still snoring loudly. he says his throat hurts, so that is independent verification there. he didn't like the trazadone because it came from me. (ok, he says it was giving him headaches, but only at 50 mg, and 25 was ok) so the doctor gave him ambien, which i have my doubts about. maybe it is just the cold, whatever.
i finally got around to having a good cry about it all. you hold it together until you have done everything there is to do. or at least, i am grateful that i have managed to do that, i think. i'd just give anything to wrap my arms around him and make him feel safe. all (mostly?) because of a deviated septum. jezuz

[knowbody0]

1. i admire you so much for supporting him

here's a bear hug from me.
take good care of yourself without feeling selfish.

[mopinko]

2. thanks for that

the next person who tells me i should give up and give him a divorce is getting a black eye.
at least i am feeling better myself, so it is not swamping me like it would have a couple of months ago. i just came in to get something and check in, then i am going back to the hammock in the back yard where is spent the last hour. it is all crushing the buzz of feeling better, tho. i was almost pain free a few days ago, and it is creeeping back in. i think i will have a good night's sleep tonight, tho, and will be in a better place tomorrow. oy

[knowbody0]

3. mopinko

not enough credit is given our need for peaceful sleep. it is as important as nutrition, exercise, and a good b.m..............oy