Ever want..

[undergroundpanther]

to be with another person who also WANTS to be with you too?A person who accepts the faults ,the weird and the mind and heart as it is..a true companion?



Yeah I wish there was someone near me to come over hang out,
shoot the shit, yell at the Tv with me over stupid republican
ass hattery or get into deep discussions from mundane to cosmic..
Someone affectionate but not sexual.
Someone to be my friend.Someone with time to waste.
Someone who does not monopolize everything,obsess, control or drag me down,someone who isn't threatened in the ego to be a cheerleader who believes in me even when I can't.

Someone bold enough ,to go places I've never been to before on earth or into the unknown,to just go.
Someone not flaky,clingy,mooching,passive,yet who has a daring side,a magickalness.But has no addictions or abusive ways..An honest,deep, gentle,emotional wild person.Someone to do art with.To brainstorm and to create whatever.

Someone to do stupid shit with,like pranks on church signs walking across the road with a scarf on 'cause it's cold,holding a sign for the camera that says"I am not Bin Laden" and showing up at a store in June dressed as a purple squirrel just because we felt like doing it.

Someone willing to risk not being normal.And hang out with a freak like me,shamelessly. Someone to chase around with in the yard with a super soaker's,until exhaustion, than lay in the grass and describe the images in the clouds they see.Someone who gets choked up at sunsets,and giddy during thunderstorms.Someone who isn't a diet nazi.Someone to go to Arundel mills mall and drool over the Egyptian style of the place.Someone who knows ancient things too.Someone to feast on cheesecake with.

Someone who also gets a kick out of playing with my crazy kitties on catnip with a laser pointer,and willing to slap a moth down wards so the cats can have a tasty treat, but cries over roadkill..Someone to weight lift with so we can spot each other.
Someone smart enough to keep up with me.

Someone to give them the only thing I ever had,my true selfs.A gift I still hold within that no one seems to want,without trying to control it.Someone who doesn't give two shits about being in roles in society that most people play into.
And I also want to hold the hand inside them,and discover them so it isn't so hard to be alive day after day..
Anyone else wish for this?

I know it will not happen for me.
Not where I live.


I long for a deep friendship.
It sucks to be alone so much.

[otherlander]

1. God, yes.

And for a little while, I actually thought I'd found that. But she hasn't called in weeks, and I'm not sure what to think.

[undergroundpanther]

2. I don't have any prospects,nuthin.

At least you had a chance,someone DID call.Me, nobody calls.
Why I dunno.It's not like I never put forth effort,I am social and not boring..I dunno I think I am just doomed.Set up to fail.Wasted ten years with a jerk.Now i 'm old fat worthless.

[Droopy]

3. It's going to be tough finding someone like that

let alone someone that would be like that and still be okay with not having a sexual relationship with you. If I was that into someone, I'd definitely want to sleep with her. Here's a free dating service site www.okcupid.com It's a cool site with a lot to offer and it's pretty active. I've been a member since February and I almost immediately found someone that was interested in me, but I never got to meet her. Well, I got busy with other things and neglected the site for a while. A couple of months ago I came back, put up some more pics, and spruced up my profile a bit. I've talked with 4 women since then and I've had one date that didn't pan out. I think that's pretty good for a goofball like me. But I think the best is yet to come. I've found a nice woman on there and I'm currently talking to her, getting to know her, and hopefully meeting her sometime soon. She's smart, talented, and beautiful. Probably a lot more than a guy like me could hope to have.

There's also another dating site that is dedicated to the mentally ill and it is also free: www.nolongerlonely.com It's not a bad place and I have a long distance pen pal that I met there a few years back and still communicate with. Nothing else has panned out for me there, though, but I haven't put as much effort into that site because there aren't very many people that are active on there that are from around where I live.

Check into it. I know you are looking for an unconventional relationship, but just be honest about it and you never know whose eye you might catch on there. I never thought that I was the type of guy who would have women approaching me, but it has happened a couple of times and it's because I decided to put myself out there. It'll take some courage, but I think you've got more than enough. You are an interesting person, there's no doubt about that. You ought to trip somebody's trigger. Maybe a lot of somebodies. :)

[undergroundpanther]

4. I'm not anti sex

I just don't like being around someone who's sex obsessed,talking about it,asking all the time and such. It makes sex burdensome and not any fun for me ,and it makes me just want to move away from them.it feels like they don't like me just like using me and that pisses me off..I hate porn.

Sad, you say it would be hard to find someone like that. Because I am like that.
I like doing a variety of stuff with people and they have to earn my trust and that takes time..But once you earn it, I give it my all. As long as the other person gives back, I give more.It's how I am.Deep complex and warm once you earn my trust. but you break my trust, I close up.I grow cold .So I prefer to work it out so I do not get resentful or pissed.Others before were cowardly and unwilling to be open emotionally and honest enough to resolve it.

[Droopy]

5. Okay

You said in the OP that you want, "Someone affectionate but not sexual." I took that to mean that you were not interested in sex. That's why I said you will have a hard time finding someone who is really into you, but won't want to have sex with you. They'd have to be paralized from the waist down.

[yy4me]

6. Yes, and I was fortunate to have someone just as you described.

I had someone who shared all of the ups and downs of life, the best and the worst things we went through. Someone who was just like me but so different. This man was the best person I knew. He loved me for all I was and wasn't and I loved him for the same things. I am alone now and the only solace I have are 45 years on loving and companionship. My husband was my best friend. I miss him so much.

Of course I want what will never be. I had it all and he is gone. More than anything I want to be with him and I know that is not possible of course. The best thing I can do now is write a journal of remembrances. It is the only way I can keep in touch in my own way.

I was blessed to have him, and I want him back.

Your post makes me sad, I wish I could share everything I had. It is hard to face the reality of my husbands passing. I wish I had been able to be as good as he was.

I wish you all the same fortune as I had. That fortune is not the material things, not money, but love and companionship.

[undergroundpanther]

7. I know

sorry about what you lost.
I can only imagine how wonderful it must have been..
I live alone most the time.It aches to live this way I hate my life.I hate being trapped where I live. I hate hurting. I'm sick of this life for mostly it has dumped shit on me.I wish I was never born.Why why did I have to be here,and be alone or with assholes.WHY? I know there is no reason,the world does what it does. But still I wish I had a reason to live beyond inertia and failed suicide attempts so I think I would end up hurting myself and be more miserable if I tried it again..I hope death comes sooner.I wish my heart would just stop. I bet nobody would even know for like a month that I had died.

I hate it this pointlessness,this meaninglessness,the fact I matter to no one.. And the frustrating thing is I can't kick somethings ass for putting me here,I can't find a god somewhere and pound his ass for doing this to me,I can't blame my mom,..I exist.But I so wish I didn't.I just want to fall into a dreamless sleep,forever.Not feel anything,not be anything,not be awake,conscious, aware or have to maintain a stupid ugly weak pathetic ever vulnerable flesh bag that hurts me all the time..And to not feel alone anymore.
I want to be free of this world ,this body,this mind, and this curse called material "life".I want out of this cage..Because sitting here alone is slowly killing me from the inside..

[The Hope Mobile]

9. You matter to people here.

I think you need to matter to YOU before anyone else can realize that you're really all that and a bag o chips!!!
Seriously, don't squander the one life you have. Make goals and go out and do them. Maybe you have to start small but you'll be surprised how you being interested in yourself makes others interested in you too. I can tell you are a good and interesting person. I look forward to you knowing that too. That's when life begins and really becomes fulfilling!! (This definitely isn't meant to sound trite - I really have been there and I really care that you're struggling and in so much pain). Do something ANYTHING for you today!! (Hair cut, new shirt, diet plan, draw something, listen to music, get a massage, light a candle . . . And that's step one!! Step two is much more satisfying and it builds!

[undergroundpanther]

10. I have many sides

I do not go around moping all day.I am outgoing I am interesting enough that people just come up to me and ask to take my picture.My shrink took a photo of me with his phone yesterday because he thought the way I dressed that day was really neat.I am not one to sit around either.Today I dyed some fur,sheepskin,to cover my boots with with cold water acid dyes..I do art alot.I have several projects going on any given day. I walk places.
I am a self propelled learner.I write.at the PRP I run a poetry class,have run the peer support group there,and I do psych rights/advocacy.Working on getting an arts crafts group going too.Helped start a GBLT support group too.

But, I feel very alone.I can be the life of a party I am told.
But still I go home,alone.

You don't understand my situation.I'm already doing things.
I don't hate myself,I suffer from post traumatic stress. I'm ok a good portion of times but triggers still nail me.
I have a complex persona and people find me interesting and all that.I have been told this lots of times .By people already in relationships. I dunno why this is this way. Life wears on me.
I do my best but it isn't enough.I live in a suburb with no car.I walk everywhere.It is very difficult to get to places.
I deal with alot of pain,mentally an physically.My spine is fucked up. Positive thinking feels like denial.It sounds like bullshit.Cognitive behavioral stuff does NOTHING for me,sorry.

You don't know what I live with.I don't set goals because if I set a goal it becomes a trap and a conflict.
I have different people inside my body,we share this body and they have things they want too.I manage my things.Setting 'official' goals sets up internal conflicts because everyone inside does not want that goal..
I have enough to deal with day by day I don't need internal conflict trying to do some formula for 'wellness' that might have worked for you. I know it will not work for me.Why? Because I have heard your recommendations before and I have done what you have recommended and It caused more stress and bad stuff.

I wrote my OP because I really do not think I will find anyone who will want to be my companion. Not where I live.Not when I can't drive.Nobody likes a risk.Nobody wants to really feel.Nobody wants to dive deep if it means sharing who they are with me.Relationship wise there are many assholes and shallow people, lots of cowards and dullards.Lots of people with issues that bar them from intimacy out there.

I feel like I am the last unicorn.That is what hurts the most.

[The Hope Mobile]

11. That would be a real challenge. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

I just got a call that my sister (out of state) had a stroke so I don't really have a lot extra right now but you are in my prayers and you DO matter to people here.

[The Hope Mobile]

8. You are a very lucky woman to have ever found that.

So few of us ever do.

But I do realize that having had it makes it that much harder to give up. Hugs to you!