anybody care to answer my Lounge thread?

[StellaBlue]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=4580799&mesg_id=4580799

Please post in the original Lounge thread - I would really like to hear others' feelings on this, and I suspect that a few posters in this forum have given this some serious thought.





Not getting any bites on this one:

I have recently.

Six months ago I was involuntarily liberated from a common-law type of situation, which I had been in for four years. I didn't get married to him because a)I knew, at 22-25, that I was too young; b)I wasn't sure that I 'believed' in marriage in general or felt it was right for me; and c)I always had the nagging feeling that it wasnt'. quite. right. Which of course, in the end, it wasn't. I am very glad I am single again.

Anyway, I was just wondering if anybody else has decided, at whatever age, recently or years ago, that they didn't want to marry (straight or gay). My experience has led me to the conclusion that I don't like most men (this is not meant to start a flame war - I suspect many men don't really want a 'wife' any more than I want a husband, what with all the nagging, death of libido, etc. that very often follows the blessed day), never want to tmake the mistake of compromising (or 'settling') again - even though I wasn't at first, but it just became more and more apparent as the relationship dragged on and on... I don't particularly feel that I am incomplete or need someone to promise to love me forever. I do think about aging, but you never have a guarantee that your spouse or partner won't die young, anyway. I also want to have children, and would like to have them with someone I love and who wants to be a father and that I am in a monogamous relationship with, keeping it all out in the open. I don't forsee even beginning to seriously think about this for about another five or six years, and, if it doesn't happen, I am happy to adopt some kids who desperately need a family and who would be better off with a single parent than with none.

It just seems to me that, with very few exceptions, most marriages end up being traps - emotionally, financially, spiritually, socially. If I happen to find someone I am content to spend the rest of my life with, great - but I also don't feel I need state or sacred sanction. I intend to never, ever be financially dependent on anyone ever again. I want to have my own house, my own things, my own life. And to voluntarily choose to share it with someone for the joy of it, not to merge like a corporation, to create a petty dynasty, a Machiavellian financial contract.

I am not trying to bash anyone who's happily married; this isn't about that. I am just saying that, for me, personally, it's not a contract I want to sign up to. I would like to hear the thoughts of others who share my feelings, especially older (I am only 26) DUers who purposefully and thoughtfully decided to become old spinsters and bachelors.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

1. It's no big deal

In states that recognize common-law marriages - if, in fact, there are any left - you can be legally married without even knowing it, and that would require a divorce if you wanted out. Slick, huh?

So you don't want to get married.

It's nothing but a contract between the couple and the State. I don't see why it's a big deal for anyone, but, if you're of the "everyone is doing it" school - which, clearly, you're not - then that piece of paper has no place on your radar.

I've been married, I've been not-married, and, frankly, it's never made any difference for me either way. My kids married because they do love a good party and because they value that piece of paper and the commitment for which they believe it stands. Good for them.

As for marriages ending up as traps, well, I think that's kind of an overreaching generalization that probably tells me more about you than about your thoughts on marriage. I've seen bad marriages and I've seen good ones.

In the end, the piece of paper isn't as important as the happiness of the people involved. That's all. It really is that simple.

And, within the realm of possibility is that you'll one day meet a man and the two of you won't want to do anything else except marry. I've seen that happen as often as I've seen women who said they never wanted children doting happily on their beautiful babies.

One of the most wonderful aspects of human behavior is the ability to change thinking, opinions, viewpoints, and behavior.

By the way, I love your choice of words: spinsters and bachelors. You're quite correct, but, boy, doesn't that Victorian language conjure up all sorts of images? Pass me the cat and the knitting needles ............ ;)

[Hello_Kitty]

2. Never really wanted to

Sure, I've had occasional moments of thinking I'm missing out on something, and I adore weddings, but for the most part, no. I found the biggest hassle was dealing with coworkers and acquaintances prying into my personal life, making unsolicited comments, and speculating about what was 'wrong' with me. :eyes:

My close friends understand it completely and my parents are deceased, so that's not an issue. You are about at the age when you're going to start getting hell so brace yourself. Late 20s/early 30s is when every self appointed nanny on the planet feels entitled to opine on your single status and give you dire warnings of your desolate future if you don't "settle down and stop being so picky!" You'll find yourself invited to dinners and parties where there just happens to be somebody's nephew or friend of the family who looks just as awkward and uncomfortable as you feel, upon realizing you've both been the victims of a 'fix-up'.

My advice is to stick to your guns. You may decide at one point that marriage is for you but let it be YOUR decision and not something you do out of fear or to follow the herd. Not that it would be a problem for you, from what I can see. You strike me as someone who has her own mind. Which is why you're a liberal ;). It's probably the no. 1 thing that led me to progressive politics. I absolutely cannot abide these social conservatives who think there's only one suitable way for everyone to live.