Kids and dying

[Sugarcoated]

My mother is coming close to the end of her life and my husband and I have been traveling the three hrs every weekend from Philly to upstate NY to see her in the nursing home. She's got another bout of pneumonia, looks pretty bad, has the strength to speak very little, but she's there mentally. She's coming to the end of her time here, but there's no way to know how much longer she'll be able to hold on. We haven't brought our 12 year old son up there most trips because besides him being incredibly bored, she just doesn't talk much, just stares blankly at the TV. But this weekend of Mothers Day, and feeling like it could be the last time he may see her we feel we'd like to bring him. Now, my younger brother & his wife feel we shouldn't take him, that it would be better for him to remember her the way she was. She also has a dangerous strain of pneumonia, we have to put on the gown and gloves, but the nurse assures us it's body fluid to open sore contact, not airborne. My husband and I feel he should be there. It seems to be very scary for the dying person, and it seems to me it's about love, being there (no matter how scary it is for us) to gently and lovingly support them as they make that transition. But, I also see my brothers point of view. I'd appreciate any opinions on this, any of your like experiences to lend some wisdom out way.

[Erika]

1. Explain the facts to the boy and let him decide

At 12 years of age, he should be the one who decides. He needs it as a stepping stone to reality.

[seemunkee]

2. I think you should take him

At 12 he is old enough to handle it. I'm sure he is aware of his grandmother's condition and even though you think he may be bored it could be his last memory or her. Would you rather his last memory of her is when she was alive or at the funeral. Granted she is sick and not real responsive but I think he should be given the chance to see her.
My mother passed away in 2001 and my daughter was 12 at that time and I know she has fond memories of her.

[wtmusic]

3. Hmm...no easy answers, are there?

I would take him. You could ask him, but maybe your Mom wants to see him, too. If he decides to stay home it may be a decision he'll regret.

Good luck. :hug:

[Viva_La_Revolution]

4. He's 12, not a baby anymore...

explain her condition to him, and let him make up his own mind.

If you don't let him go, he will blame you... If you make him go, he will blame you (because he's a teenager). Tell him he is old enough to make his own decision, and support him no matter what he chooses.

I lost 3 great-grandparents during my teens, it's an emotional time.

Peace and love to you and yours.

[seabeyond]

5. i would tell him just what you say. and that you would like for him

to have the chance to say goodbye, and would be valued by mom. and he gets to decide. of course no pressure, what he can handle, his choice, no hard feelings.

but then i am sitting here thinking about both my 11 and 8 year old sons. i would probably take them and not give them a choice. that it will be there last chance to say i love you........ that is too valuable. i am with you and your husband

[RoyGBiv]

6. I was about that age ...

When a great-uncle died. He and I were pretty close; he was the male figure in my life and served as sort of a father figure, so maybe it's not quite the same.

I knew at the time he was diagnosed with liver cancer that certain people in the family didn't want me to see him just before he died, when he had lost 75 pounds, couldn't eat, was barely able to talk. It was hard for me, and to this day the image is burned in my head and something I don't look back on as a fond memory at all. However, if I had not seen him in that state, before he died, I know, today, that I would basically hate the people who kept me away.

As has already been said, he's not a baby. It's time for him to learn some of the facts of life, and this is one of them. He won't enjoy it, but that's not the point. Life isn't always, or even often, comfortable.

[LeftyMom]

7. I lost my grandmother at about that age

I spent time with her when it was clear that she was dying and though she was thin and sick and her condition distressed me (enought that I'm tearing up a bit now thinking about it) I'm glad that I got to spend some time with her.

Unless he doesn't feel up to it I'd take him to see her. Gettting her goodbyes said may make things easier for her too, people sometimes hold on too long when they're trying to wrap up upnfinished emotional business.

[Smarmie Doofus]

8. Your son may actually be anxious, not bored.

Recently went through something similar with my son and my terminally ill best friend. Son was distant and preoccupied with Gameboy and seemingly apathetic during two visits to the hospice. When my friend died my son *erupted* with grief to a degree that shocked me.

Hard to know what to say, not knowing your family and it's dynamics. But I'd lean toward bringing your son, especially if he fully appreciates the gravity of the situation.

[Sugarcoated]

9. Thankyou so much

it's helping me to stop overthinking this.

And, ironically, my older child, she's 24, she's got her head in the sand and is making excuses to not go. It's freaking her out and I can't talk her into going. And, my other brother, the one who lives near my mom and oversees her care, is angry and judgemental about her actions.

As painful and complicated a time this is, it's gotta be compounded by family issues. Of course family stuff gets magnified at these stressful times. Ever notice that? And after the loved one dies, things don't settle in the way you think, either.

[Erika]

12. Might I suggest you bring it back to simplicity

She is the one who needs to be made comfortable and have those around her who she wants. This is about her.

My own mother knew none of us because of dementia but that did not mean she wished to die alone or that we wanted her to die alone.

It's a personal thing.

[Horse with no Name]

10. He is old enough

Prepare him...tell him what to expect. Be there to answer questions after he sees her. It's a one shot deal--there aren't any do-overs. Now if you get there and he doesn't feel that he can see her, then by all means, don't force the issue. Just let him know that you will tell her that he did come.
I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through. Thoughts and prayers with you all during this difficult time.

[Digit]

11. I would have him come in at least for a "visit"

Afterall, isn't it really about your mother and saying farewell? IMHO, have your son saying goodbye to his grandmother is a healthy thing. After that, I would let your son decide how long he can handle sticking around.

[progressivebydesign]

13. Had the exact experience as you are having.. have to share it.

My stepdaughter goes to visit her mother, out of state, a few times a year, often staying for at least 3 weeks. In the past two years she has been visiting her mother at the home of her mother's mother. Her grandma had emphysema for years, and then was diagnosed with cancer. Stepdaugher's mom moved in with grandma to take care of her and get her house ready to sell when she died. My stepdaughter, 13, was told to stay out of grandma's room, and was not allowed to see her, spend time with her, or say goodbye, because her Mother felt it would be too upsetting for stepdaughter. My stepdaughter is instead very bitter that her mother made that choice for her, when it felt completely natural to see her grandmother and spend time with her before she died. Modern kids are sometimes far too shielded from anything unpleasant, when it essential to their growth into maturity.

A 12 year old should go and see their ailing grandmother. We cannot shield our children from everything. Loss and being uncomfortable is how they learn to grow. If we remove every pebble from their path so that they never have an uneven step, then they will not learn how to move forward when the road gets rocky later in life.

From my own experience, a 12 year old is indeed old enough to see an ailing grandparent. I think it teaches compassion. I think that parents worry too much about their children's boredom. They will not be forever harmed by being bored for a day or two. If it is indeed safe for your son to just go in and say "hello", then I would think it would be a good idea.

[Sugarcoated]

14. You guys are the best here at DU

Thankyou for your support. :grouphug: :hug:

[Blue_In_AK]

15. When my mother passed away,

we were all in the hospital room with her, kids and grandkids, all the way down to the babies. Mom didn't appear to be conscious, but somehow I think she felt all of us there. We played the Charlotte Church CD that she loved, and it became really kind of a holy time. I think the kids benefited from facing the reality of death head on. Not one of them seemed to be traumatized by the experience.

[China_cat]

16. Don't leave him out of this

especially if he was at all close to your mother. He'll resent it in later years, feel like you kept him from something important. Yes, he might get bored at the home. Take a book. But what he sees in his mind in later years if you don't let him say goodbye (in whatever form he's capable) won't be his grandmother at her best...it'll be even worse than the reality. His mind will conjure horrors because you didn't want him to see what was going on.

From first-hand knowledge of being kept away from a dying loved relative at approximately the same age.

[REP]

17. I Was Slightly Younger When My Grandfather Died

Children were not allowed in the VA hospitals then, so I didn't see him as he died. I don't resent it; in fact, I'm glad to remember him as he was before he got so sick.

If he had wanted to see us and it had been allowed, I would have gone but it would have been difficult. Of course, I was 10 then.

[sweetheart]

18. Whatever your mother wants

It is her death after all; sounds like a lotta love
there... whatever serves that love.

When she dies and her eyes turn super peaceful and
joyous like, you'll realize how much this last suffering
has burdened her greater soul.. back home with the divine.

A warrior's last dance, a warriors only dance,
for everyting they love, for everything they've lived for,
and in to the void, silence unborn.