***DUzy Awards for week ending January 19, 2007***

[JeffR]

Welcome to this week's DUzy Awards, honoring fabulous funniness, fantastic flippancy and fine-tuned folderol from this week on DU. Congratulations to this week's winners!

Feel free to add your own choices. Previous awards can be found in my journal. The dazzling DUzies will be announced every Friday, if I get around to it.

Note to Mods: Skinner has authorized the DUzy Awards to be posted in GD.

On a thread by Toots:

      Pretend for a moment you are a NeoCon and you need to sing the praises of Condi

response #4 by pwb:

      here is a list of all her many accomplishments.
.
















.

response #5 by IDemo:

      As a Secretary of State, she's an excellent piano player

response #8 by Demeter:

      "Nice Shoes!" --Michael Douglas, "The American President"

response #17 by Rageneau:

      She plays a pretty good whorehouse piano.
But not in a very good whorehouse.

GD, January 13, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3112923

On a thread by PretzelWarrior:

      Boxer breaks big story. Condi is childless!

response #4 by FightingIrish:

      The reptilian Ms. Rice does not have to mate to procreate.
As a lizard she is eligible for Lizard Parthenogenesis.

GDP, January 13, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3055435

On a thread by Kadie:

      * is back from Camp David already - pics

response #1 by DoYouEverWonder:

      W looks pretty po'd
must be because they made him play President on a Saturday.

response #14 by GuvWurld:

      It looks like he just got over a big crying jag
Maybe his favorite chew toy got run over by a lawn mower

response #17 by mikelewis:

      Evil...
...it does a body bad.

Every time I think about going out and taking over the world, committing genocide in the name of some popular social ideology and then go robbing, raping and pillaging my way straight into hell, I look at Bush's pictures and have an immediate change of heart. Sure, Evil's a lot of fun but it looks so draining.

response #36 by karlrschneider:

      Someone hid the Camp David liquor cabinet keys.

response #64 by leftofthedial:

      they were out of dewars
and Laura, tiring briefly of pillaging the upholstery for new clothes, was demanding a surge in the sack

worst weekend of his life

GD, January 13, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3114655

On a thread by flordehinojos:

      what is george walker bush up to, that he returned early on a saturday afternoon

response #4 by Wheezy:

      maybe
Terri Schiavo came back to life.

GD, January 13, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3115616

On a thread by JohnyCanuck:

      It's official, Canadian coins DON'T contain 007 type transmitters

response #4 by GreenZoneLT:

      Nice try, moose lover.
If you think our Dear Leader is going to let so-called facts interrupt the planning process for the coming invasion of Canada (or as I like to call it, Canukistan), you're sadly mistaken, JohnyCanuck (if that IS your real name). Condi is preparing her U.N. speech right now, complete with satellite imagery from just this week in Bradenton, Fla.

Your reign of terror is coming to an end, you excessively polite, half-French, Bigfoot-harborers. Vancouver, Washington, is coming to take its name back.

GD, January 14, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3118753

OP by no_to_war_economy:

      ! merry happy pretzel day !
this should be a national holiday ... 5 yr anniversary of the stupid fuck president almost dying while eating a pretzel

response #2 by Lastlaughin08:

      Pretzel company should be sued because it was able to be dislodged
Defective pretzel, plain and simple.

response #3 by Richard D:

      National Holiday??????
It should be a day of mourning. "Almost" being the key word here.

GD, January 14, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3119766

OP by tmfun:

      Oh my God! Freerepublic has their own T.V. show!
Oh shit, sorry. Turns out I was watching Jerry Springer. My bad.

GD, January 15, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3128271

On a thread by RamboLiberal:

      Adultery could mean life (in prison), court finds (Michigan)

response #39 by Tyo:

      Rich people need to watch it too. Here is a summary of the rules....
If you are rich, there's that eye-of-the-needle thing with the camel to worry about. I guess that technically you can be rich now as long as you are prepared to go to Hell for it later. I don't think the state gets involved.

So just to kind of sum it all up... If you must have sex at all it had better be hetero, you had better be married, said sex had better result in another mouth to feed and you'd better not enjoy it. I'd say 18 months for anyone party to a mutual orgasm. And guys, no sneaking off to the bathroom with the Victoria's Secret catalogue or any other filthy visual aid. There shouldn't even be a Victoria's Secret catalogue or other F.V.A. in the house anyway.

As addressed above, it's not a good idea to make too much money if you are concerned about the fate of your immortal soul. If you do become rich don't let God find out about it. It's okay to beat your kids and probably your wife too if she gets out of line or stops putting out. Going to Red Lobster will become a thing of the past, and you can kiss Honey Baked Ham good-bye. It's okay to acquire a slave or two or even more if you have the bucks, but remember that needle and camel thing. Do not suffer a witch to live and keep a good supply of rocks handy because you never know when you might be called up for stoning duty.

Read the New Testament but take it with a grain of salt. We all know that Jesus tended to go a little overboard with the touchy feely love-thy-neighbor stuff. Don't forget that He came to fulfill the law, not to abolish it, or words to that effect. It's all very well to help the poor and the homeless to a degree, but keep in mind that if God didn't want them to be living on the street they would have a house like you do. And never forget that your responsibility is to protect fetuses. Kids can fend for themselves. Your obligation to care ends when the kid gets slapped on the butt in the delivery room. Don't let yourselves be guilted into anything.

And finally, remember to remind all homosexuals that they are going to Hell and because of this they deserve no rights and make sure you don't get too near them because you might catch something.

response #45 by DBoon:

      This will destroy freerepublic!
How can they post when their right hand is in prison, convicted of a felony?

response #49 by youthere:

      Then Michigan residents can file a class-action suit against Bush.
He's been fucking them all for six years now.

LBN, January 15, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2690121

OP by Jim Warren:

      Bush bumper stickers you don't see

01/20/09: End of an Error

That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

Impeachment: It's Not Just for B***j**s Anymore

America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

Whose God Do You Kill For?

Cheney/Satan '08

Jail to the Chief

No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?

Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap

Bad President! No Banana.

We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

Is It Vietnam Yet?

Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

Impeach Cheney First

Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too

When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

Pray For Impeachment

The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

One Nation Under Clod

2004: Embarrassed
2005: Horrified
2006: Terrified

Bush Never Exhaled

At Least Nixon Resigned

Are We Kinder and Gentler Yet?

GD, January 15, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3123066

On a thread by Olney Blue:

      Laura Bush takes literacy campaign to Paris

response #3 by VegasWolf:

      She'll love it. She can smoke in resturants there. nt

response #7 by no_hypocrisy:

      Qu'est-ce qu'une biblioteque? Mon homme ne peut pas lire.
Mon homme ne peut pas penser. Ma vie est merde.

response #15 by shain from kane:

      Is Paris Learning?, asked little Hitler's wife.

LBN, January 15, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2690006

On a thread by Spinoza:

      Amsterdam To Dedicate Statue To Prostitutes

response #7 by Maine-i-acs:

      $5 to see it, $10 to touch it
Anything else is a la carte.

GD, January 16, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3132230

On a thread by texanshatingbush:

      Repubs can't accept 2006 loss, circulate false arguments via email

response #15 by LaBanty:

      Yes, more flannel talking points

This is the most prevalent tool of the prayer chain senders, the Patton-quoting idiots, the Fundie homeskoolers, the War on Christmas believers, the Chicken Fried dumbasses that think G*d and Bush give two shits whether they live or die. It's sort of an underground rabble-rousing by people too blind to see their president doesn't have the brains to pump gas, and embodies the honesty of a career criminal - a president that insulates himself from reality with the blanket of (faked) Christianity.

As I sit here through a particularly harsh winter - of unprecendented weather conditions - these are the same asshats that support museums depicting charming Christian girls in white dresses staring into space within a garden of velociraptors, but say global warming is "bad science". I mean, WTF kind of mentality are we dealing with?

I get these letters all the time. If they were written on paper I'd forego recycling and wipe my a$$ with them. Or, I suppose could burn them to stay warm.

GDP, January 16, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3060127

On a thread by IntravenousDemilo:

      A Canadian Apology to the US

response #5 by MookieWilson:

      Paul Anka singing "Havin' My Baby." You haven't apologized for that. nt

response #6 by bluewave:

      Americans are stupid, I'll admit.
But the media keeps us that way. Gotta go, another Rosie-Trump segment.

GD, January 16, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3135693#top

On a thread by Patmccccc:

      So tell me, how is it that we know Iran is pursuing nuclear bombs?

response #1 by ocelot:

      Well, there was this document somebody found in Niger about
buying yellowcake uranium, and then there was this guy who said Iran was buying aluminum tubes... Slam dunk!

response #8 by no_hypocrisy:

      God told *. Can't get better intel than that . . . n/t

GD, January 17, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3141068

On a thread by dsc:

      What kind of person is Dinesh D'Souza?

response #7 by charlie:

      Another rightwing lickspittle
who owes us for keeping the right at bay. If his side took over, he'd find his sorry brown ass stuffed into a white Nehru jacket, serving gin and tonics on a country club fairway the very next day.

GD, January 17, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3141458

On a thread by Eugene:

      Reuters: U.S. to let people apply to get off no-fly lists

response #2 by Bornaginhooligan:

      Department of Homeland Security later added...
"those who request to be taken off the no-fly list clearly have something to hide, and will certainly not be allowed to fly."

response #5 by Earth_First:

      Well Mr. Doe, since we already have you in here this afternoon...
Mrs. Doe: "I don't know!? He just left for the DHS building this morning to clear up a simple database error, and he never showed up for dinner this evening!?"

LBN, January 17, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x2693168

OP by jgraz:

      Bin Laden blames Dinesh D'Souza for 9/11 attacks
New Bin Laden Tape Reveals True Cause of 9/11

January 17th, 2007

In a shocking revelation, Osama Bin Laden has released a tape naming right-wing author and pseudo-intellectual Dinesh D'Souza as Al Qaeda's main motivation for the September 11th, 2001 attacks on New York and Washington D.C.

Speaking from the balcony of his Miami Beach townhouse, Bin Laden admitted he began planning the 9/11 attacks shortly after reading d'Souza's 1995 book The End of Racism. "The Islamic people have a proud intellectual history," said Bin Laden. "We invented algebra and made many pioneering discoveries in astronomy. As such, a colossal idiot like Dinesh d'Souza represents an intolerable affront to Islamic teachings. We felt compelled to attack the country and culture responsible for producing such an obscene intellectual poser."

According to Bin Laden, initial plans to fly airplanes into Dartmouth and the Hoover Institution were scrapped when it was discovered that most of the conservatives in those establishments serve as invaluable recruiting tools for Al Qaeda. "But even we have to draw the line somewhere," said Bin Laden, waving a copy of d'Souza's Illiberal Education. "I mean, seriously -- have you read this shit?"

The White House immediately issued a statement calling Bin Laden's rejection of abject stupidity "an attack on core American values." "Clearly, they hate us for our fuckwits," said the president.

GD, January 17, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3141557

On a thread by The Cleaner:

      Am I the only one who wouldn't vote Obama?

response #16 by underpants:

      DAMMIT! there goes his unanimous election
I knew (there) had to be one out there

response #82 by FlaGranny:

      I'll vote for Spongebob Squarepants
if he wins the Democratic nomination.

GD, January 18, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3146277#top

On a thread by BushOut06:

      It's time to redefine the role of Commander-in-Chief

response #1 by SpiralHawk:

      New rule #1: No AWOL coke-sniffers can steal the job
And then fritter away their time at an Imperial Pig Farm in Crawford, Texas

GD, January 18, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3145917

On a thread by RamboLiberal:

      Gibson called Obama's long-known cigarette smoking a "dirty little secret"

response #5 by MindPilot:

      They are just going to go freakin' ballistic when they find out Obama
is black.

response #7 by AndyA:

      PRESS: Ignore the fact that Mr. and Mrs. George W. Bush are both cigarette smokers.
Ignore the fact that George W. Bush is an alcoholic and drug abuser. And a drunk driver.

Ignore the fact that Mrs. Bush is a murderer, having killed her boyfriend by ramming his car with her car on a clear, dry, night in 1963 Texas.

At least Barack can speak distinctly. He can put sentences together that make sense. He presents himself well, and would be a more attractive example of what America is to the world.

Hypocrisy. Our corporate-owned, self-serving media has nothing to report if there's no hypocrisy. Hey, isn't there a blonde coed missing on some foreign island? Look - a bright shiny thing over there! Nancy, hurry! Do 500 shows about it, OK?

GDP, January 18, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x3063005

OP by jgraz:

      Perhaps the problem is that Bush wants a *Library*
Maybe he'd be more successful in finding a site if he chose another way to memorialize himself. A few suggestions:

* The George W. Bush Fake Ranch and Petting Zoo

* The George W. Bush Liquor and Cocaine Supermart

* The George W. Bush Church of the Apocalypse

* Lake Bush National Recreation Area (formerly New Orleans)

* The George W. Bush Center for Sociopathy and General Assholery

* Lil' Georgie's Prosthetic Limb Workshop

* The George and Laura Bush School of Drunk Driving

* The George W. Bush Big Pile of Dead Iraqis

* The George W. Bush Supermax Prison (Main exhibit: George W. Bush)

GD, January 18, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3149130

On a thread by Bluebear:

      Karen Hughes: "US is a country of faith! I represent 7 million Muslims!"

response #5 by peekaloo:

      God will get her for that!
she's not even qualified to represent muslin.

GD, January 19, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3154368

OP by maxrandb:

      Jenna Bush Shopping Book Deal (Drudge)
Won't link to the jerks web-site. But this could get interesting

First daughter Jenna Bush -- Using DC Superlawyer Robert Barnett -- Shopping book to top NYC Publishers, US News and World Report is set to report... Developing...

God, I hope for her father's sake is has lot's of "pop-up" pages.

response #1 by no_hypocrisy:

      It can't be that revealing of *. Jenna wants her trust fund and
testamentary bequest.

response #7 by maxrandb:

      Anybody want to help me with potential titles
"Children of the Corn"

"How to Suceed in Life Without Really Trying"

"Margarita's and Body Shots! My Life as First Daughter"

"Grandmother Dearest"

"WWJD-What Would Jenna Drink"

"First Daughterin is Hard Werk"

response #13 by specimenfred1984:

      "Cross-eyed Inbred's Drinking Guide for Dummies"
"Raised by Chimps"

response #6 by TahitiNut:

      Working Title: "About A Bush"
:rofl:

response #9 by gasperc:

      How my Daddy fucked America
the title is kinda raw but it does grab you

And an honorable mention to all the other responses on the thread.

GD, January 19, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3156633

On a thread by Behind the Aegis:

      Abusing the block feature?

response #4 by mikelewis:

      Blocked Message

response #7 by BuyingThyme:

      I block everybody who posts in anti-block threads.
And everybody whose screen name ends with a Z where an S should be.

response #23 by retread:

      I can't live without this feature. I have become addicted to it. I am a
blockhead.

GD, January 19, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3157888

OP by Finnfan:

      Noboby's mentioning Hilary Clinton's middle name.
She was born Hilary Adolf Rodham. Shouldn't this be a campaign issue too?

response #1 by LynneSin:

      Yes but did you hear what John McCain's middle name is
He was born John PolPot McCain

You can look it up

response #15 by ironflange:

      John Fuzzykitten Edwards
That should boost his appeal!

GD, January 19, 2007: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x3157382

[CrazyOrangeCat]

1. Thanks for the laffs!

And lawdy, don't the material keep gettin' better and better . . .

[JeffR]

3. No shortage of comedic fodder these days, fer sure

And DU never lets an opportunity slip by.:)

[bigwillq]

2. "John Fuzzykitten Edwards"

:spray: :rofl:

I love the Duzy's!

Thanks for posting.

:hi:

[JeffR]

4. Thanks.

That was one of my favorites this week.

[Spazito]

5. Another great collection of DUzies!

I am already addicted to your award thread and was wondering when it would appear! Thanks again for doing this, it is much appreciated by me and by those who interact with me AFTER I read your thread as my sense of humor has been restored and I am less likely to go off on a rant, lol.

[JeffR]

7. Tough to avoid rants in year 6 Anno Bush, I hear ya

Trawling for these gems certainly helps my blood pressure to stay normal, no matter what fresh outrage the GOP comes up with daily.

[helderheid]

6. thank you for doing these!

:rofl:

[JeffR]

8. Really, the pleasure is all mine

:D

[applegrove]

9. LOL!

[Maddy McCall]

10. I hope you are archiving your threads in your journal.

I'll have to go take a looksee. Next time I update my blog roll, I'm adding yours. :D

[JeffR]

11. I am

and thanks.

[n2doc]

12. Great- but I can't believe this one didn' make it

On a thread by Hatrack:

Disabled Ship Drifting Towards North Sea Gas Platform In 55 Knot Storm- AFP

A cargo ship was adrift off the east coast of England Thursday and heading for a collision with a gas platform, sparking a scramble to evacuate those on the rig. The 4,500-tonne Vindo, with nine people on board, had lost engine power in the North Sea and was drifting towards the Murdoch gas platform, nine nautical miles (17 kilometres) away, in 55-knot (100 kilometre per hour) winds.

The ship, carrying 4,200 tonnes of fertiliser, began drifting off the Lincolnshire coast after its engine failed.

response by HeeBGBz:

"1. Fertilizer and gas?

What is it? The S.S. Timothy McVeigh?"



http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=115&topic_id=78471

[JeffR]

13. Dang, I missed that

Thanks for posting it here, anyway. That's damn good.:spray:

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

14. Thanks Jeff! This Really Is A Quite Humoring Thing You've Come Up With Here.

We appreciate your weekly efforts!

I think if you see the popularity growing, you should end each month with a poll for the best of the best, with a declaration of ultimately just one "DUzy of the month!"

[JeffR]

16. That's a great idea, OMC.

I'm going to try that.
:toast:

[NanceGreggs]

15. As much time as I spend on DU ...

... there ar always DUzie recipients that I haven't seen. I think it's time to quit my job - it's taking WAY too much time away from seeing the cleverist posts on the internetz!

:kick:

[mdmc]

17. kick

r

[brer cat]

18. Great, great stuff! You are doing us a favor, Jeff!

What a way to end a Friday.

K&R

[JeffR]

22. de nada, brer cat

:hi:

[Change has come]

19. K&R

:kick:

[JeffR]

20. Kick

Go west, young thread, go west.

[EFerrari]

21. "Like a rock."

:rofl:

[Bozita]

23. one more reason to live for Fridays

thanks

[newyawker99]

24. kick

:kick:

[Cameron27]

25. Thanks for the laughs!

"Paul Anka singing "Havin' My Baby." You haven't apologized for that."

:rofl:

[lonestarnot]

26. Excellent. Laughter is my hobby.

[dogday]

27. Great Job!

:rofl: