Well just a small update on dad and quite possibly book notes

[nadinbrzezinski]

but with dad home from his hip surgery it is getting interesting. He fell and broke it.

Now of course he is playing all the classic games and pushing all kinds of buttons to try NOT to do his therapy.

Damn... it is a good thing I learned to distance myself from those games over a decade ago... (yes it took going to see somebody).

Anyhow, one of the things I have been doing is taking random notes. I realize that many of our aging parents will be where my dad is right now. And there are many things that kids are not ready for. We can start with the every popular what questions to ask from medical providers, to just knowing what to take to the ER. I knew, I used to be a medic, so I told my mother... gather all his meds into a bag. Admittedly I reverted to training.

Now that race is now a marathon... and finding the time to breath and be by one self is critical... but also remember, parents... just like kids, will revert to a younger age (them things one learns from theory and now I am seeing in full and absolute glory). But unlike your three year old, you cannot send them to the corner for time out. So you have to be gentle. After all, there is a measure of a role reversal here. I have become the parent, and he has become the three year old, fully dependent on us for things such as going to the table. (wheelchair bound)

What makes this more difficult is that he is a holocaust survivor... thankfully not a camp survivor, but the issues from that war, long ago forgotten by some, are bubbling up, like a festering wound. And yes, that is partly because he refused to see somebody and overcome it. As that woman I saw, also a holocaust survivor, put it, he is still a victim. He is not a survivor. Since he is still a victim he is playing the classic games... and if you know what I am talking about, you will identify them immediately, including the ever so popular, why don't you have pity on me? And the ever so lovely, what do you want from an 83 year old? Only for you to do your therapy so you can get off that damn wheelchair.

So, that is what I have been doing, and keeping up with politics and news is hard to do at best.

Nadin

PS... yes out of this experience I can smell a book. I believe it is a sorely needed one.

[EFerrari]

1. There are folks in some of our families that will always have to manage

their vulnerabilities, that require that we also broker our relationships. No therapist can resolve those situations although they may be able to help mitigate them.

Families are work.

Take good care of you, nadin.

:hug:

[nadinbrzezinski]

4. You are right, they are work

and the wounds in this case are deep, and festering. And they are coming out.

As it started taking the notes for that book. There are many who I believe could benefit from seeing some of this through somebody else's shoes. Will start doing some of the primary research as well.

[KitchenWitch]

2. wow, that is a lot to handle!

I am glad you are able not to get hooked into his issues. I also hope that he is able to continue to get better and do his therapy.

[nadinbrzezinski]

5. He has no choice... the one that worries me is my mother

When it comes to doing his therapy the mask goes to the Professional Medical Provider I was at one time. Treat him with respect, but a degree of firmness.

And the regression, I was expecting it. It happens.

[KitchenWitch]

7. argh!

I am glad you had the opportunity to get your things dealt with before your dad broke his hip.

Anytime you need to vent, just send me a PM.

[nadinbrzezinski]

8. I will, and as I said, I am taking now extensive notes

I realize that this experience may benefit somebody else.

And the book, PDF form, keep it short and keep it cheap

[aquart]

3. And yet, you're still fortunate.

My dad was the same age, but he never made it out of the hospital after his hip surgery. I was mad at him then but I miss him now. Go figure.

[nadinbrzezinski]

6. That was our fear.

In fact... not that he realizes this, he is healing faster than some folks half his age. Hell, he is in better shape than some of the twenty somethings I trained for EMS work when they started, that is.

[fed-up]

9. It was hard for my mom to be dependant on me after her massive stroke-also a bit of depression

sets in when one loses the ability to things they were previously able to do. I don't think my mom was playing games as at times she really was too fatigued to do her at home therapy. For the majority of the time she was a real trooper and did her best.

I did learn from talking to other caregivers of stroke survivors that men were less likely to work hard at their therapy and many ended up in nursing homes. This was not an official study just what I gleaned from a dozen or more people that I met at the rehab center and at the local college where I enrolled mom in the adaptive P.E. class. The pool therapy was the best as the water supported her weight. Mom also let me know (she was aphasic so communication was in bit and pieces and lots of questions on my part to which she could answer yes or no) that she was scared of falling while doing her therapy part of which consisted of using the kitchen counter for support.

Near the end mom's complaints of fatigue increased and even though I mentioned it to her doctor along with changing white blood counts they attributed it to her post stroke status. It turned out they finally diagnosed stage four lung cancer, so not only was she fatigued, but in great pain from the tumor, and she passed away 10 days after the diagnosis.

My boyfriend also went through issues of dependence with his father that just passed away a few weeks ago from emphysema. The last year of his life his dad became somewhat "helpless". I tried to explain to my boyfriend that this was probably a common occurance and to not hold it against his father and just try to appreciate the remaining time they had left together. My bf finally came around and at least they got in a few last really good talks.

I'm sure that you know that life expectancy decreases greatly after having a broken hip, so please try to be as patient as possible with your dad.

[nadinbrzezinski]

10. OH I am very patient with him

and if he is that angry I just leave him to his anger.

This is also a role reversal of immense proportions (when doing the therapy that is), I am the one in charge.

Having been a medic I know how hard this is for the patient, (and caregivers) alike. As to his verbal abuse, it is a trait, not new not now... they just get exacerbated.

I am sorry about your mother, and your loss. And yes, we are also dealign with some depression, but that is before he already had some.

[Individualist]

11. There comes a time when the child becomes the parent and vice versa

Sounds like you're a good caregiver, and I'm glad you realize the importance of finding time for yourself.