Jose Padilla and me (reflections on solitary confinement) - repost

[TomInTib]

After hearing of the judge's bullshit ruling on Padilla's competence, I am absolutely outraged.
I only did a few months in solitary, Padilla endured three years of what were surely worse conditions than those I encountered.
And I had been trained to survive that kind of treatment and confinement.
No way is he stable or competent of assisting his defense.

I originally posted this Dec 6, 06.


Reading all of this recent business about Mr. Padilla has forced me to remember things that I have spent a long time forgetting.

Like Mr. Padilla, I, too, spent a stretch in sensory-deprived solitary confinement thirty-something years ago.

Like Mr. Padilla, I, too, spent my time in a military (Marine) brig.

As is the case with Mr. Padilla, I was held on suspicion alone

It is worse than you could possibly imagine.

I believe it was when I read the part about him having the personality and energy of a piece of furniture that the box in my head cracked open.

I spent every moment of every day in a tiny cell with barely enough room for a rack (bed) and one of those little desks that you might have used in the third grade. The light was always on.
There was this thin mattress that smelled of despair and piss on that rack. The mattress barely covered the S-shaped springs of which the connecting clips had been removed so that one had to contort one’s self, pretzel-like, in order to get any kind of sleep.
The schedule and time of day were impossible to track.

Your mind will do crazy shit to you in an environment such as that. I experienced unbelievably giddy highs – flights of absolute elation - and moments of suicidal depression. One right after the other.

And hallucinations.
I saw everything that was in my memory bank and plenty else. When I would wake, I was never sure if I was really awake or just imagining that I was. I would go days without uttering a sound because I was so afraid that if I vocalized the least little bit that I might just scream myself to death. The few times I was interrogated I spent the first minutes just trying to find my voice and trying to decide if the voices I was hearing were real or imagined.

However, unlike Mr. Padilla, I was on a bread and water regimen. Three days (I believe) of bread and water and three days regular brig fare, alternating.
Ten pieces of white bread and a glass of water, three times (I think) per day.

I ate only the crusts just to fuck with them.

I went in standing six feet tall and weighing 180 pounds.

I came out weighing 117 pounds.

But I was still six feet tall.

(end of OP)

Those experiences have stayed with me for 35 years. I can still feel those flashes of utter hopelessness, disorientation and desperation.

Tom

[knowbody0]

1. I am so sorry they did this to you

and continue to do it to others. I am ashamed of ameriKa.

Evil, pure evil.

[jeff30997]

2. K&R

[bleever]

3. K&R.

Again.

[Fredda Weinberg]

4. Writing is cathartic

And in some cases, survival is sufficient.

But again, I offer my father's lesson: if you can, sabotage the enemy.

[TomInTib]

5. Hey, Fredda...

Good to hear from you.

I came back from your fine City with pneumonia.

I'll be in touch.

Keep on smiling.

Tom

[Fredda Weinberg]

7. It's almost civilized, ain't it? n/t

[NNN0LHI]

6. K&R Don't know what else to say n/t

[TomInTib]

8. Bump

Just because

[midnight]

9. Hi TomInTib. Your post ,about the enron exec., brought to my

attention your bravery. Now, I now it is because of your Marine training. But from the horrible conditions which you survived maybe your connection with that is something best left behind. So glad of your sense of humor and posts here.

[TomInTib]

10. I am not brave...

But I have found myself in many situations when I just had to count on myself.

And I am not Marine.

[symbolman]

11. As someone who has spent time in Lockdown

I understand DEEPLY what you went through. I probably had it better than you, I'm sure of that, but I know what you're saying as to the mental scene.

I was forced to lay on a concrete floor, and with arthritis of the spine, my court ordered pain meds were being taken by someone else in that jail, I was keeping track, scratching on the wall.

Someone had drawn a large 'painting' of a Fishing Boat on the wall with a turd. The guy in the cell next to me was making animals of his poo, and eventually flushed everything down the toilet, except himself, I called him "Flipper" :)

There was no toilet paper. In lockdown they give you a half an hour of movement, in another part of the cell, so I walked briskly around a steel picnic table, to the point where I rubbed my big toe raw, nearly lost it as I caught an infection the likes of which I'd never seen on anyone before, including me. When you can't walk or RUN in jail they know it, and you are dead meat.

I was tossed in the can for 21 days in an Alabama County Jail, that has been compared to a South African Prison by CONGRESS itself.

Having fought the 'conviction' all the way to the Supreme court in that State, and with SIX lawyers I was unable to fight anymore, and they did what they wanted with me.

Luckily I found amongst the newpapers we used for toilet paper, a Book by Bo Lozoff - only a half of Book titled "We're ALL doing Time." and it saved my sanity. I would suggest that EVERYONE read that book, it's a real eye opener.

I'm glad you made it, and I really DO feel your pain, I'll never forget the experience - if I walk in a straight line and back more than twice I have a flashback, of PACING there, doesn't take much to 'crack the box' does it?

You have my Sympathies Friend.

Here's the link:

http://www.humankindness.org/

If I ever get a lot of money I will be PEPPERING prisons with that book. I was able to meditate, and that was half the battle. When your Heart opens and you see the ones that love you the MOST like a tv screen on your chest, surrounded by purple and a halo of gold it is NOT an illusion, it's real, and an epiphany. Sounds screwy I know, but the people that LOVE you are a PART of YOU, and not far away at all. :) We're all bigger than we know, and a cell cannot contain us.

It's the Heart Chakra and that's in all the pics of Jesus that you see as well, maybe painted on Black Velvet :) and you don't have to be christian to see it. Or nuts :)