Late-Night Political Jokes for Dems

[Amy6627]

"How many of you have money in the stock market? Not anymore. ... At one point today, the market was down over 500 points. ... The drop started after the attempted assassination on Vice President Dick Cheney. See that's when the investors realized that if anything happened to him, President Bush would be in charge." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he plans to differentiate himself from President Bush with a single word -- 'intelligence.' ... When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Intelligence? That's two words.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Congratulations to Al Gore. His movie won an Oscar. Today it got reversed by the Supreme Court. ... Al Gore announced last night that for the first time, the Academy Awards had a green theme. Which is not really true. It's always had a green theme -- money and envy." --Jay Len

"Last night, Helen Mirren won an Oscar for her role in 'The Queen.' And now, the real Queen of England has invited her to have tea at Buckingham Palace. Meanwhile, President Bush has extended a similar invitation to Larry the Cable Guy." --Conan O'Brien

It is Oscar weekend. ... Among Best Picture nominees is 'Letters from Iwo Jima,' which is a gut-wrenching tragedy about an army sent to die in a hopeless cause by a fanatical government. Or, as George Bush calls it, 'the feel-good comedy of the year.' --Bill Maher

"You all ready for the Oscars? ... Al Gore is expected to win for his documentary on global warming. I hope he ... includes President Bush in the acceptance speech. I mean, without President Bush, we probably wouldn't have a lot of this global warming." --Jay Leno

"Al Gore said today that by the year 2015, it will be so hot that the relationship between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama might actually start to thaw." --Jay Leno

"Everybody but George Bush seems to understand that this war is over. The British are pulling out now. ... They're all going. Lithuania said this week they are 'seriously considering reducing their force of 53 troops.' It's a small force, but very effective. So far, they've killed a dozen insurgents and three vampires." --Bill Maher

"Condoleezza Rice insists the coalition is still intact. But you know Condi -- Bush could walk into the Oval Office naked and she'd say, 'Nice tie.'" --Bill Maher

"Here is a little difference between our country and Great Britain: Prince Harry -- third in line to the Royal Throne -- he's going to Iraq. He's going to be in a tank unit. ... On the other hand, the Bush twins are getting tanked ... and they are going to re-invade Margaritaville." --Bill Maher

"Britney Spears is back in rehab. Two weeks ago, I didn't think it was possible to lose a custody battle with Kevin Federline. But five years ago, I didn't think it would be possible to lose a war with the Sunnis." --Bill Maher

"Three large balloons were floated above the Pentagon this past weekend, as the U.S. Defense Department tested its chemical and biological weapon defenses. So, rest easy America. In case of an attack, we've got three large balloons." --Seth Meyers

"The British are leaving! The British are leaving! This week, after Prime Minister Tony Blair announced England would withdraw 1,600 troops from Iraq, Denmark announced that they are withdrawing their troop. Welcome home, Torsten." --Amy Poehler