Can someone post a link to the Zombie Reagan thread? I loved it - and want to BM it for the future..

[Hawkeye-X]

Thanks in advance!

(it was made on Friday)

Hawkeye-X

[DCKit]

1. It's in my journal.

And thanks.

On Edit: Sorry, wasn't being very helpful.

Zombie Reagan to Attend GOP Convention
Posted by DCKit in General Discussion
Thu Aug 14th 2008, 05:02 PM
Gannon/STI Newz and Infotainment Service

Through sheer force of will, faith and ancient black magic, Ronald Reagan (R-Hell) will be the mascot of the 2008 Republican convention. Republican spokesmodels from several MSM outlets have confirmed the exhumation and ongoing efforts to reanimate the corpse.

Once the revered ex-President has been animated, the Voodoo priests and priestesses and other assorted practitioners of the black arts will be handed over to DHS, ICE as well as random fundamentalist Christian sects, then deported, tortured or stoned for their un-American activities. Mock trials, punishments and executions are expected to be a major draw outside the convention with several “Family Day” events coordinated by groups as diverse as Accuracy in Academia, African-American Life Alliance. All Children Matter Inc., Alliance Defense Fund, American Center for Law and Justice, American Civil Rights Institute, American Conservative Union, American Enterprise Institute, American Family Association, American Legislative Exchange Council, American Life League, American Society for Tradition, Family and Property, Americans for Tax Reform, Arlington Group, Black America's Political Action Committee, Lynde and Harry Bradley Foundation, Campaign for Working Families PAC, Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, Cato Institute, Center for the Study of Popular Culture, Christian Coalition of America, Christian Legal Society, Club for Growth, Collegiate Network, Coalition for a Fair Judiciary, Committee for Justice, Concerned Women for America, Eagle Forum, Eagle Forum Collegians, Family Research Council, Federalist Society for Law and Public Policy Studies, Focus on the Family, FRCAction, Free Congress Research and Education Foundation, FreedomWorks, Heritage Foundation, High Impact Leadership Coalition, Hispanic Alliance for Progress Institute, Hoover Institution on War, Revolution, and Peace, Independent Women's Forum, Institute for Justice, Intercollegiate Studies Institute, Judeo-Christian Council for Constitutional Restoration, Judicial Confirmation Network, Landmark Legal Foundation, Leadership Institute, Mackinac Center for Public Policy, Madison Project, Manhattan Institute for Policy Research, National Association of Scholars, National Center for Policy Analysis, National Right to Life Committee, National Taxpayers Union, New Coalition for Economic and Social Change, Pioneer Institute for Public Policy Research, State Policy Network, Students for Academic Freedom, Toward Tradition, Traditional Values Coalition, WallBuilders, Young America's Foundation and NAMBLA.

With the exception of a small booth to house the contingent of self-anointed Republican intellectuals and MSM talking heads, no special anti-zombie precautions are expected to dampen the delusional tenor of the convention. However, anti-zombie party hats and magical amulets will be made available to anyone who asks and are expected to become searingly hot items on E-bay in the weeks following the convention and preceding the Democratic rout in November, when they will become worthless and lose all magical power.

The dead ex-President is expected to appear in a musical number. However, being a zombie, he will neither sing or talk, but only shuffle awkwardly – unless the “slow zombie vs. fast zombie” debate is resolved in favor of fast zombies. In that case, it'll be a full production number with many unintended yet crowd-pleasing surprises. Doubtless, it is expected every grunt, moan, whistle, screech and squeal emanating from the rotting shell of Reagan will be analyzed for deeper meaning and to provide valuable input for the Republican party's “World Domination Tour 2012/2016/2020/2024”.

To prevent delegate confusion between Reagan and McCain, they will not appear together and specially designed sets are being constructed to promote McCain as “The One, The Only Living Candidate” as opposed to Reagan's “Far More Qualified, But Still Dead” patriotically themed set. Additionally, extreme measures are in place to prevent the accidental nomination of Zombie Reagan in a wave of nostalgia.

Asked for comment, Republican spokesman Newt Gingrich said “The Republican Contract on America has been stymied by the Democrat Congress and we're losing steam. We could think of no better symbol to re-energize our base than the stinking, rotting corpse of Saint Ronald - the embodiment of all we stand for. This will herald a new era for the conservative, family values party and settle, once and for all, any question of our relevance in the 20th century.” Corrected by Joe Lieberman, Gingrich promptly restated his position as “Bill Clinton ruined America by placing an indelible stain on adultery, and we mean to restore it.” Corrected yet again by Lieberman, Gingrich re-restated his position as “We're going to kick their pansy asses. Republicans rule, Democrats drool,” at which point, Joe Lieberman had already slunk off, and our reporter declined to ask for further clarification.

While the appearance of Zombie Reagan is expected to cause consternation among the Chinese and Saudi convention delegates, various diversions have been organized to distract them during his appearances, most notably an all-you-can-eat endangered species buffet, million dollar gaming tables, the Gitmo complex and hunting expeditions modeled on the infamous exploits of VP Dick Cheney. Native born, white citizens of European derivation with good credit and a record of regular church attendance (at an approved place of worship) will be warned to remain indoors during specific time periods. However, free medical care and job fairs will be ongoing at several large area farms during these same times. Shuttle service will be provided at minimal cost by Blackwater transportation.

In keeping with the theme of the convention, several local hotels are stocking rooms with dead hookers and ice to compliment the abundant supply of imported practitioners of the depraved arts. Attendance is expected to be brisk with FEMA coordinating shipments of labor, exotic animals, cotton diapers, giant novelty safety pins, rubber and leather goods world-wide. Further, at the request of several prominent Republicans, the youthful denizens of several Asian, African, Latin American, Indian and Caribbean orphanages are being relocated for the duration of the convention in a cultural exchange program sponsored by Pfizer, makers of UROBIOTIC®-250 and Viagra®.

While not attending the convention proper, the children will have extensive one-to-one, as well as group sessions, with many prominent Republicans. Surprisingly, the language barrier is not expected to be an issue. According to one prominent Republican media figure “Republicans and children of all third world countries share a universal love... er, language.” Joe Lieberman was not on hand to help further clarify the statement, and our reporter was afraid to ask a follow-up question, lest he become legally implicated.

Despite a disastrous eight year run and the utter failure of the Republican party's “Contract on America”, the GOP's mood remains upbeat. Call it a pathological case of denial, a psychotic break with reality or advanced syphilis, but they know they can, they will, they must win. In the face of such staunch, qualified and moral opposition, it's a wonder the Democrats bother to field candidates.