What Would You Do?

[my2sense]

40 years ago you abandoned your wife & biological children for another woman who has a child by another man.

You took care of your new wife and her child for 40 years - your step child becomes severely disabled in her 20's but you treat her like yours and make required sacrifices to care for her.

Your biological children contact you after 40 years and although it's been tough you've developed a relationship with them over the last year thru phone calls and visits. It's a beautiful reunion filled with forgiveness & joy. The only thing desired by your children is a relationship.

Your wife is totally against you having any contact with your biological child and is prone to violent rages and verbal abuse when she is aware of any contact with your children and when you go to visit them. Remember all the while you are caring for her child, lifting her, cleaning her, feeding her, etc.

You have lived the last year in a bittersweet state - you are ecstatic that your children still want you in their lives - yet your wife is giving you hell everyday.

You are 70 years old, - what do you do?

[babylonsister]

1. You are 70 years old...you do exactly what you want. You've earned

that right.

[my2sense]

7. It's really a tough situation

He only has three choices:

Continue living in hell and being unhappy
Abandon his efforts to have a relationship with his kids
Divorce his wife of 40 years.

That's the cold hard reality. They've tried counseling but she is not interested in compromising.

:crazy:

[babylonsister]

12. The wife is uncompromising and he's living in hell. Time to bail.

If he's not happy, why should he continue the pretense? He doesn't have that many years left, he should try to make the rest of his life happy.

Of course, not knowing why the wife is so unyielding is confounding. She must ? have her reasons.

[my2sense]

14. Here's her "reason"

at least this is what she admits to:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=389&topic_id=4674614&mesg_id=4674691

[babylonsister]

15. That woman needs to grow up. Holding a grudge against a child

who was 16 at the time? Just plain dumb. I guess that could happen with kids that aren't your own, but as a stepmom to two kids, I'd never let an old argument get in the way, and we've had ours, trust me on this!

[Cessna Invesco Palin]

2. What are the wife's specific objections to having contact with the other children?

I understand that it must be a difficult situation for both the husband and wife, but I can see it from both sides. Obviously violent rages aren't cool, but it'd be useful to know if there are some legitimate grievances driving it.

[my2sense]

11. She absolutely hates

the youngest female child because at 16 they had a verbal altercation after the new wife said disparaging things about the child's mom. The father divorced her but they eventually got back together but she still blames the female child for the break-up.

[Cessna Invesco Palin]

18. Hmm, that's a tough one.

On the other hand, she probably ought to put her grievances aside. We all only live once, and denying someone the opportunity to see their biological children is pretty harsh. Obviously he ought to be willing to try to make whatever concessions are necessary for it not to upset her (not talking about his visits, for instance) but denying the visits in the first place seems wrong.

[begin_within]

3. Make it look like an accident.

[ogneopasno]

4. I'd tell my wife to STFU, frankly. And it has nothing to do with taking care of her child.

You hold onto the forgiveness and joy in this life, and say that you aren't going to abandon your biological children again, nor are you going to abandon her and your stepchild.

[lutherj]

5. Talk to a therapist. I don't know any details, but it sounds like your

wife is threatened by the renewed relationship with your biological children. Perhaps she thinks that your renewed interest in your biological children is an attempt to escape your responsibilities with your step-child.

[Bertha Venation]

6. Fortunately my dad is dead. This sounds like his wife. n/t

[dysfunctional press]

8. why would the biological children want anything to do with the shit-bag?

i'm sure that their mother would have been so proud...:eyes:
did the kids at least wait until she had died to spit on her memory? :shrug:

[my2sense]

13. The bio's originally were

curious, but also believe in forgiveness. It's been a beautiful experience and it gave us all a chance to air our feelings and heal old wounds. The bio mother is alive and well and thinks this reunion has been good - especially for the children.

[dysfunctional press]

17. the whole "biological parent" thing is WAY over-rated...

as that 70-year old complete & disgusting piece of human filth proves- it takes more than an ejaculation to make someone a "father".

[glowing]

9. Your wife, even after all this time, is terrified that you will leave her.

Why, Karma? She's afraid of retribution for her stealing you away from your family.. and now, her child is disabled, and she's older and in no shape to catch herself a new man. The anger is fear. Assure her you aren't leaving her.. she'll calm down. oh, and try bringing her with you.

[Oceansaway]

10. Blood is THICKER than water....n/t

[polichick]

16. I would tell my wife that I betrayed my children once, and won't do it again...

...that I'm lucky to have this second chance, and that if she loves me she'll be happy for me and share in my joy.

After that, I would follow my heart.

[sweetpotato]

19. Marriage counseling - pronto

Your wife is jealous of your bio-children.

She needs to accept that a relationship with your bio children is no threat to your relationship with her or your step child.

A therapist may be able to help her cope with the idea that you would like a relationship with your own children, and may be able to help YOU help her to cope.

It may be as easy as agreeing on boundaries for contact.

Good luck - I wish you well.

[pipi_k]

20. Go for family counselling with the wife, then

see what becomes of reuniting with the grown children.


Only time will tell whether they really want a relationship, or whether they just think the old man has money to give them.

[my2sense]

21. The children don't need/want anything from

the father. They simply want to finally have a relationship with him. Nothing nefarious going on. They've gone to counseling but the wife is not being truthful with the counselor. It's a real mess.

[uppityperson]

22. I am sorry. Sounds like a really difficult situation.

After being married 40 yrs, taking care of her and her child, it seems she would not be so fearful about you establishing a relationship with your children. 40 yrs is long enough to be secure, and I feel sorry for him, her, and all involved.

[my2sense]

24. It's really an unfortunate situation

Not sure what is driving the insecurity. Perhaps guilt.

[ColbertWatcher]

23. Encourage the wife to get professional therapy.

Her rage seems misplaced.

Find out why.

[my2sense]

25. this has been tried

she refuses to be truthful about the situation with the therapist. Won't even acknowledge her child's illness or that the bio children have reached out to her. It's the most bizarre thing I've ever heard of.

[ColbertWatcher]

26. How long was she in therapy? n/t

[my2sense]

27. only attended once

She's not interested in resolving the conflict. She seems to just want his kids to "not exist".

[ColbertWatcher]

28. Just once! No wonder it didn't "work!"

Why don't you (or her husband, who ever he is) go to the therapist and ask for advice to give her.

Or you can confront her with my suspicion that she feels threatened.

Reassure her that she will not be abandoned and that she is welcome in not "both" families, but in the big family.

[my2sense]

30. They both refuse to try

therapy again - I think it's a age thing. He's done several things to reassure her that he's in it for the long hall. He spent several thousands of dollars remodeling the house to prove this point - she still refuses to accept his children or allow him to peacefully have a relationship with them.

[ColbertWatcher]

32. How sad. What if the kids did something?

For her or for her child?

[my2sense]

34. She has been reached out to several times - but it's clear

she wants nothing to do with his bio children.

[ColbertWatcher]

35. I just hope it's not some form of dementia. n/t

[WritersBlock]

29. I'd ask the wife why she hates her husband enough to deny him contact with his child.

Everyone makes mistakes. He's got a second chance with his children; one some would say he doesn't deserve. Yet she wants to deny him this. I'd ask her why.

Then I'd go see my children while she pondered over her answer. Life's too short.

[Fleshdancer]

31. I would tell my wife to back the hell off

Verbal abuse and violent rages? This woman needs help.

[my2sense]

33. Yes she's like sounds like a psycho

A psycho that refuses to get help. It seems he has three options:

-Continue living in hell
-Abandon his children again
-Divorce after 40 years of marriage at the age of 70

It all sucks.