*** DUzy Awards for week ending March 20, 2009 ***

[JeffR]

Welcome to the Brazilian waxed DUzy Awards, recognizing exceptional snark, enlivening satire and epigrammatic sass from the past week on DU. Congratulations to this week's winners!

The DUzy Awards might just be announced every Friday night. Previous awards can be found in my journal.

Note to Mods: Skinner has authorized the DUzy Awards to be posted in GD.

The DUzy Academy Executive Board: alittlelark, flvegan, Ghost in the Machine, Lucinda and QueenOfCalifornia.

Special thanks to dixiegrrrrl, Commie Pinko Dirtbag, babylonsister, hootinholler, RevCheesehead, lob1 and NanceGreggs for their invaluable assistance with this edition.

On a thread by deminks: Lynne Cheney Hospitalized in Center City (Philadelphia)

      rooboy: Oh God. I hope Dick hasn't accidentally shot her. n/t

LBN, March 16, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x3785785

On a thread by walnutpie: New Jersey To Outlaw Bikini and Brazilian (Genital) Waxing

"New Jersey statutes allow waxing of the face, neck, arms, legs and abdomen, but officials say that genital waxing has always been illegal, although not spelled out..."

      sui generis: this is a like totally series matter of pubic safety!!1!

I once had two brazillians at the same time - we were drunk, somebody had some ex and more champagne, it was the eighties . . .

      Solly Mack: I'll clear the bush on my property anytime I want to and the state can go fuck itself.

      county worker: Well we were waiting for the day there would be no more Bush.

Oh sorry wrong Bush.

"Read my lips, no more Bush!"

      Lance_Boyle: but can they wax their truck testicles, that's what really matters...

effin' joisey.

      spoony: If waxing is outlawed, only outlaws will be waxed

Can you picture the police setting up checkpoints, a la drunk driving? Maybe pube checks for employment applications?

      Tommy_Carcetti: That's horrible!

A Brazillian waxes is a lot of waxes to have outlawed!

:hide:

Okay folks, you knew that one was coming! Someone had to say it.

GD, March 16, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5266207

OP by SalmonChantedEvening: A question.

If They Surround Us, how did we Fly Over them for so many years?

I'm truly puzzled. ;)

GD, March 16, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5268542

OP by Ellen Forradalom: Let's Write Laura Bush's Memoirs

The first few entries are courtesy of me and KitchenWitch.

Jan 20, 2001. Thank god the swearing in is over. Settling in with a cigarette and a book.
Jan 21, 2001. More smokes and a book.
Jan 22, 2001. Popped some Xanax, dyed my hair, lit up, finshed my book.

Your turn!

      Tangerine LaBamba: Jan. 23, 2001 -

"I think George fell down. Out there, on the landing. Took another Xanax."

      Liberal Veteran: May 2, 2006: I hate the new doorman at the Mayflower and the room service has gone downhill.

May 5, 2003: Damned if those curtains don't look just like that dress I burned a hole in with my cigarette.

      krispos42: November 8th, 2000...

Dear Diary,

Oh Christ, he won.

Well, maybe he didn't win... they're still recounting in Florida. But I can't believe it's even this close to begin with! The base, plus enough independents... idiots, really. I mean, hell, the base doesn't care who get in there as long as he's cutting taxes and gutting social programs. But the independents?!?!? Damn, how stupid are they??? Have they SEEN my husband??? Have they HEARD my husband???? HE STILL MAKES FART JOKES!!! "Jenna, pull my finger!" 3, 4, 5 times a day.

I actually caught him once farting into a couch cushion as he was sitting up so the foam would suck in the smell until the next sorry soul plopped down on the sofa.

God, now he'll be insufferable. "I'm gonna be Pres'dent too! Just like my daddy!" Hopefully the American people are smart enough to give him a single term, also just like his daddy.

It's going to make him randy again, the thought of all those megatons of nuclear... oh, sorry, NUKULER weapons he'll have at his command. I don't know if I can deal with him anymore. The swaggering idiot's about a good as foreplay as he is at finding oil in Texas. And oh, god, I can't deal with the puppet shows an the double-entendre "Bush" jokes. The man has all the subtlety of a linebacker.

I think I'm going to have to seek a pharmaceutical solution to this problem. I wonder if Pfizer makes some kind of anti-Viagra. I bet what's-his-face, Bob Dole, would know.


Or Liddy Dole. Yeah, she's know for SURE.

Are all the White House interns female? God I hope not. Although at this point I'm willing to experiment.

Ah... Jim, my old friend, you won't let me down, will you? No, you never do. You and Josι and Jack and the Captain... always there for me. Keeping the darkness away. You guys make me blurry, and blurry is best.

What, ho, is this? It's the Captain. Captain and his good friend Cola. Well, Pepsi, actually, but any port in a storm, right, Captain? Right?

Cheers!

Oh, hellooooooooo Captain. Wow. Captain, you're making feel warm all over. Ah do declare you're giving me the vapors!

Mmmmm... and the bubbles tickle my nose.

President Bush II: Electric Bugaloo!!! Scares me sober! Oh, Captain, can you do anything about this?

Oh yes, yes you can, Mr. Captain!11! I feel so warm inside. Wow I think i puta littl etoo much in the glass that time captain! Your ina rush arnt you, you naughty sailor! Youra naughti saleor boy arn't you/oh kaptin i thinc ive had a little two mutch to drinkk> Your ahorny littel devel tryin to take advantage of a ladyy while shes dimo-, dyme, dimish-, ah fuckit, drunk. Whell kapten i think youd bettar putt meto bed now, sho'enuff.

U can join me as long as your a proper gentledude, dude. Butt 2st, mi nitely prayers1. 'Deer lord let Al take Florida, amen, brothr".


Now eye lay mee down 2 sleeppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp...

The Lounge, March 16, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8610391

On a thread by babylonsister: Dumb and dumber-Michael Steele on global warming...

"'We are cooling. We are not warming. The warming you see out there, the supposed warming, and I am using my finger quotation marks here, is part of the cooling process. Greenland, which is now covered in ice, it was once called Greenland for a reason, right?' - Michael Steele, discussing global warming.'

      Lerkfish: wow, being republican means never have to say you're sentient.

GD, March 16, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5268615

OP by HysteryDiagnosis: Today at work I backed into the boss's car with a forklift, but he

really shouldn't have parked in his usual space. Later on I chopped up some electrical cords with the riding lawnmower but they shouldn't have been in the grass where the electricians were working... and believe it or not I accidentally deleted all of the company files on the server, caught the kitchen on fire, broke the front gate with the mower, spilled paint on the new office carpet, busted a window with a shovel, accidentally put gasoline in the diesel trucks, (all 15 of them) and busted the septic tank with the new obtained tractor... funny it didn't float on the sewage but sank rather handily.

After all of this, I come to find out that my yearly bonus has been cut to $800,000 rather than the cool million I usually get. I cannot for the life of me understand the cut but then I thought about AIG and it dawned on me... I didn't do enough damage to limit the reduction of my bonus.... oh bother.

GD, March 16, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5268051

OP by TwixVoy: Citi paid for my lunch the next two days

Bought a small amount of Citi shares and sold them early today. Earned about $20 after fees. Paid for my lunch the next two days.

Who says Citi is the only one that gets a free lunch?

GD, March 18, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5277941

OP by LeftyFingerPop: Jesus I'm drunk. Did Obama win? n/t

The Lounge, March 18, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8615000

On a thread by SharonRB: KOEB 3-18-09 What? Keith has the night off edition

      Botany: who thinks bush is really going to write a book himself?

the man is stupid on a stick ..... I doubt he could write an english 101 3 page paper

      WolverineDG: Relax, he couldn't even write a picture book nt

      Botany: My 12 Biggest Decisions by George W Bush

1) Iraq

2) How i picked my Vice President

3) Why I had to spy on John Kerry because of 9/11

4) Coke, Booze, and AWOL .... the lost years

5) The 8/6/2001 P.D/B. if only I could have known

6) My 1 year of community service for a coke bust

7) Elections or why :loveya: Diebold

8) Jeff Gannon, That little Scamp

9) What I Learned Being a Rancher

10) Public Speaking .... My Strong Point

11) Why I quit drinking

12) Why I started drinking again

Countdown/Keith Olbermann Group, March 18, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=315x142937

On a thread by fumsm: You know what else is cool....Chase +$50 bill...

Bernie was stashing $50 bil in cash in Chase, and the bank never blinked an eye. Now if you were to stash $50 grand in the bank, they would turn your ass in. $50 fucking billion, and not a fucking word. How cool is that?

Why is no one talking about Chase and their part in the scandal?? I wonder????

      Orrex: Because Chase is directly in league with Satan

And if you question anything about them, they'll cause your livestock to go lame.

GD, March 19, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5289378

OP by KansDem: Help me design a semester course in Creationism

This thread got me thinking: Bill Would Allow Texas School to Grant Master's Degree in Science for Creationism

How would you design a 36-hour masters program to offer a Masters Degree in Science for Creationism? I would think just a one-semester course would be a challenge.

For example, assuming this is a three-hour course and will entail a typical 16-week semester, I came up with the following syllabus for the hypothetical first course in "Creation Science:"

CSCI-100A--"Introduction to Creationism"
Instructor: Dr. KansDem
Office: TBA
Hours: TBA

Week 1
Day 1—Topic: The universe was created by an omnipotent, omniscient invisible being
Day 2—
Day 3—
Week 2
Day 1—
Day 2—
Day 3—
Week 3
Day 1—
Day 2—
Day 3—
Week 4
Day 1— Term paper topic due
Day 2—
Day 3—
Week 5
Day 1— First midterm exam
Day 2—
Day 3—
Week 6
Day 1—
Day 2—
Day 3—
Week 7
Day 1— Term paper outline and bibliography due
Day 2—
Day 3—
Week 8
Day 1—
Day 2—
Day 3—
Week 9
Day 1—
Day 2—
Day 3—
Week 10
Day 1— Second midterm exam
Day 2—
Day 3—
Week 11
Day 1—
Day 2—
Day 3—
Week 12
Day 1—
Day 2—
Day 3—
Week 13
Day 1—
Day 2—
Day 3—
Week 14
Day 1—
Day 2—
Day 3—
Week 15
Day 1—Term paper due
Day 2—
Day 3—
Week 16
Final exam

BIBLIOGRAPHY
Bible

Came up with some gaps here. Can anyone help out?

      KansDem: I thought if I spoke more slowly during my lecture...

...or used a lot of "ahhs" and "mmms" and repeated several times, maybe told a personal anecdote or two, I could stretch the first day's topic into the second day...maybe even the third, but that still leaves 15 more weeks...

Damn! Academia is hard work!

      leftyclimber: Heck, if you have enough discussion (noncritical, of course) and maybe some movies

you can probably drag the first lecture out for the whole semester!

Oh, and guest speakers. Don't forget guest speakers.


.... So what's going to happen for the other 33 credits? :shrug:

      KansDem: Yeah, "movies!" I forgot all about movies!

...and guest speakers, too! Thanks! :hi:

So what's going to happen for the other 33 credits?
That's a major concern! What about these possible course titles:
"Introduction to Creationism, Part 2" (part one would be a prerequisite, of course)
"Intermediate Creationism"
"Advanced Creationism"
"Creative Creationism"
"The Philosophical Foundations of Creationism"
"Creationism and Society"
"Creationism and the Scientific Revolution"
"Beyond Creationism"
"Creationism and the Hegelian Dialectic"
"Creationism and the Age of Reason"

...I don't know; I'll be happy to design a first-semester course in its entirety!

      leftyclimber: Wait! Wait! I think I've got it!

Add a research project component. Get a hamster, rabbit, some other small, fuzzy critter. Have them observe it for changes all semester based on whatever variables they decide are appropriate. Make sure they are based on Biblical principles, of course.

At the end of the course they can write a paper disproving evolution based on their N=1 fuzzy rodent, which will of course still be a fuzzy rodent by week 16, assuming it's fed and watered properly.

This way you can do the following:

Mondays = unscientific method and statistics (that way they don't have to be exposed to the heathen Stats department, where they might encounter people in the Sciences of the Devil).

Wednesdays = observation of fuzzy rodent.

Fridays = reporting out this week's findings, discussion of the miracle of nonevolution, and general praise.

And if the paper's good enough, you can get it published in the Journal of Pseudoscience or something and have another publication toward tenure. Two birds, one stone. :evilgrin:

Then again, three-hour blocks are easier to dispose of WRT lesson planning; you might want to consider going from a MWF schedule to, say Wednesdays only (to align with the mid-week church schedule).

This is kind of fun, I'm ashamed to admit.

      ElboRuum: Fill all the empty slots with "Miscellaneous Praising".

      Connie_Corleone: Don't forget the creationist documentary, The Flintstones.

      rug: You really shouldn't need more than six days.

      gratuitous: Key to final exam

All answers are "God did it."

Please send my consultant's fee via PayPal.

      KansDem: Your consultant's fee has been paid according to your instructions...

... God did it.

      wryter2000: The last lecture

Why Creationists are a Persecuted Minority within the So-Called Scientific Community: Whining Your Way into the Corporate Media

      hootinholler: Week 3 day 1

Rest. (the 7th day of the course)

:shrug:

This is brilliant.

GD, March 19, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5288149

OP by ulysses: I hate Obama and want to have his children.

Welcome to DU under a Dem administration. :D

GDP, March 19, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x8273973

On a thread by kskiska: Photo of Charles Manson is released by prison officials

      Cheap_Trick: Upon listening to the sharp clarity of "The White Album" on CD, Manson was quoted as saying..

"Geez man, I guess they WEREN'T speaking to me after all. Must've been a blown speaker."

LBN, March 19, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102x3790171

OP by LeftyFingerPop: Fuck it. You're on ignore. All of you.

My DU experience is much less frustrating now. No more inane posts. In fact, no more posts at all. This is fucking great.

      MrCoffee: You fucking mean I wasn't on ignore before?

Assmunch.

      LeftyFingerPop: What?

The Lounge, March 20, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8624266

The thread so nice they locked it twice...

On a locked thread: NJ considers ban on bare-it-all 'Brazilian' wax

      cbayer: Locking

This has developed into a sex thread (shocker there).

Cheers,

cbayer
DU Moderator

      pinto: Locking.

This has gone off the GD track.

Thanks.

GD, March 19, 2009

On a thread by Mike 03: Movie Talk: Which movie isn't as bad as they say, and which movie isn't as good as they say?

In response to response #26...

response #27 by Lost in CT

The Lounge, March 14, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8605705


OP by Botany: Important Breaking News!

response #9 by DJ13

response #17 by FrenchieCat

response #20 by chollybocker

GD, March 14, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5256280


OP by A HERETIC I AM: Two women, two pictures, too funny.

response #9 by vinylsolution

response #13 by SoCalDem

response #20 by Jackpine Radical

response #39 by 40bama

response #40 by A HERETIC I AM

GD, March 19, 2009: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5290675

[Adsos Letter]

1. IBTL!!!

:D

[Name removed]

10. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[FunkyLeprechaun]

11. Spam

This post is begging for DUzy responses

[Patsy Stone]

2. "I hate Obama and want to have his children."

:rofl:

And, congrats Bot and Wolvie! :toast:

K&R Thanks, Jeff! :fistbump:

[A HERETIC I AM]

3. Wow! My first DUzy! Thanks. And I'd also like to thank the photographers...

no-one ever thanks the photographers.

BTW, for those of you not aware of it, I found that pic using the netsurfing application "StumbleUpon", a customizable surfing application that you can load in various subject matter you're interested in (humor, cooking, pets, etc.) and random sites will be accessed when you click "Stumble". I find all sorts of really funny as well as interesting websites.

Thanks, Jeff.

[The Straight Story]

4. good job as usual and a kick!

How are you tonight my friend?

[JeffR]

6. Not too much the worse for wear, thanks.

I have the weekend off and a pretty easy schedule for the next couple of weeks, including a photo gig I've been jonesing for for a month. I'll give you a shout tomorrow if you're going to be around.

[annabanana]

5. VERY good... Thanks for the giggles. . . . . . n/t

[Tangerine LaBamba]

7. I got another DUzy for that one?

Hell, you guys are easily amused ..................

<brushing off dusty Xanax, looking for a glass of vodka ...>

[beac]

8. As usual, a perfect way to end the week!

That Brazilian thread??? :rofl:

:toast: to the DUzys for always finding the giggles and snark that would otherwise be missed!

[dixiegrrrrl]

9. How the hell did I miss 2 women, 2 pics thread????

JeffR, is this going to be like the calendar pics and at the end of the year we vote on the annual Duzy???

Sorry...didn't mean to make you cringe....}(

[SalmonChantedEvening]

12. A perfect start to my weekend :)

Besides sleeping for 9 hours :rofl:

Thank you JeffR & The Academy for my DUzy and congrats to everyone else who stole err bribed umm I mean got one. :)

[ColbertWatcher]

13. k+r, n/t

[jazzjunkysue]

14. DUZY's!!!!!!! YESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

At last! My arm is complete, again!