The single most awesomely batshit thing ever on teh internets! You HAVE to read this!

[Hello_Kitty]

From Pandagon:

...Then they ran and hid from God. When God found them and he found out what they had done he condemed them both and drove them from the Garden never to return. Then he turned Lucifer into a snake to eat the dust of the other animals. Now when Adam and Eve were outside the Garden of Eden they had a choice. They could go with the goodness of God and not have sex and create and grow old and die or they could go with the evil and the power that Lucifer gave them and have sex and create. So they chose the evil and the power that Lucifer gave them. But when Adam had sex with Eve he was having sex with his own flesh. She was bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh.

Now I am going to explain to you just how bad and evil that really was. If Adam came from the dust and Eve came from the dust there would be no incest. And what they created would be a true son and a true daughter. Now when the true son and daughter had sex to keep the population going that would be incest and they would create closer flesh. Now if Adam came from the dust and Eve came from the dust and they had sons and daughters and Adam had sex with his daughters and Eve had sex with her sons to keep the population going that would be worse than incest and they would create closer than closer flesh.

Now the way it happened was Adam had sex with his own flesh because she was bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh. Now that would be worse than worse than incest and they would create closer than closer than closer flesh. Now we are still the same way because people still create birthdefects and deformaties. Here are just a few examples. The blind, deaf, handicapped, mentally retarded, gays, lesbians, shemales, morfadites, transvestites, midgets, giants, murderers, childmolestors and many more. So we are still the same now.

When you marry someone you are marrying someone who is 3 times closer than a true brother or sister. There is no such thing as a husband and wife. It’s all made up to cover up the incest. We are nothing but Adam’s flesh having sex with Adam’s flesh and what ever you create is Adam’s flesh. We are Lucifer’s world of worse than worse than incest. Lucifer gave Adam and Eve the power to create like God gave the animals the power to create.

I would totally not be surprised to learn this person is a Republican legislator.

[Tess49]

1. A republican legislator -- and probably from Oklahoma.

[Sebastian Doyle]

2. So this guy thinks he can be a "god" or "creator" by not getting laid?

Shit, if that was the case, I'd have created an entire me-damned solar system by now :evilfrown:

[ColbertWatcher]

3. Does this mean dinosaur sex is okay now?

[BuyingThyme]

4. Obviously a goat fucker.

[rrneck]

5. I started to read

the whole thing but my IQ just can't take another hit.

I knew a guy back home (in the south) who listened to some right wingnut religious radio station for his news. One of the guests had a big scoop the whole world needed to know. It seems that a new type of battery had been secretly invented to harvest the electricity from someone's body, store it, and use it to power the identity chip that would be implanted in everyone by the Antichrist as fortold in Revelations! That's right, the technology had been developed by our government in secret and was available right now! And what kind of battery was it? It was called a lithium battery.

I didn't have the heart or the patience to try to straighten him out. And he was a nice guy too.

[DKRC]

7. You're a better person than me rrneck

I would have had to bite my tongue plumb off to keep from telling him that they were being secretly stored in Lithia Springs, Ga.

:rofl:

[Hello_Kitty]

8. ROFLMAO!!

:rofl:

[rrneck]

10. LOL! It just hit me

that I actually live about 10 miles from Lithia Creek m'self! Yaaaaaa! That explains all those black helicopters!

He was a helluva nice fellah though. I don't think he ever attended high school. And his wife was diagnosed schizophrenic. Her doctor - medical doctor - M.D. - told her once that she could smoke weed, she could drink beer, or she could read the Bible. But she wasn't allowed to do all three at once.

I swear it's the truth.

[DKRC]

13. That proves it

:yourock:

[Hello_Kitty]

21. I wouldn't do all three at once.

:shrug:

[chollybocker]

6. "morfadites" ????

My dictionary just threw up.

[Sal Minella]

12. Was that a wild run at "hermaphrodites," do you think?

[Kaleko]

23. Yes! Morfadites are like morans only much, much worse

cuz they're triply incestuous.

[Sal Minella]

37. Your post has caused vivid visual images involving parental generation,

sibling generation, and offspring generation.

I am going to go lie down for a bit now. Ta.

[Lex]

9. Are shemales something like tamales?

LOL

[Q3JR4]

11. ....

:yoiks:

Q3JR4
Backs away slowly.

[htuttle]

14. Wheee, doggies!...One of these days, I've got to have a long talk with that boy...

[OneGrassRoot]

15. ROTFLMAO -- every single post in this thread is hilarious!

:rofl: :spray: :rofl: :woohoo:

Oh man, these are the threads that make my day. You are the funniest, most clever bunch of people.

:yourock:

Thanks for the OP, Hello Kitty! :)

[tonysam]

16. It Sounds Like a Parody.

At least I HOPE it is.

[Hello_Kitty]

17. Nah. It's way too earnest. eom

[EmilyAnne]

18. Read it with the voice of Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove as your inner narrator.

It just works.

[Toucano]

33. You are so baaad!

ROFLMAO!

[IDemo]

19. The morfadites and the midgets begat Glenn Beck

and a plague of freepers devoured every word.

[Hello_Kitty]

20. And childmolester is one word. eom

[sce56]

22. Now here is some words that actually make sense and should be retold!

As in if Adam & Eve were truly the first then who did there children mate with? That is one of the biggest lies in the Bible we all know that if siblings have children they are inbreed right? So how did we all come from inbreeds? The whole fairy tale goes kaput when it is brought into the light of modern science like the rest of the bible such as the earth was the center of the universe until Columbus and then Magellan proved the world was not flat!

Yeah I'm an Atheist formerly a Catholic until I exercised my brain more..

[Hello_Kitty]

30. I'm totally atheist with you but:

It's entirely possible that our earliest ancestors did some inbreeding. I mean, I don't see how evolution could have proceeded without it. :hide:

[Bjorn Against]

24. How much do you want to bet the person who wrote this is married to their cousin?

[timtom]

25. Idiot lost me at "morfadite"

(Actually, the idiot never had me).

[Mz Pip]

26. And so here we all are...

A population of 6 billion as a result of some guy having sex with himself. What does he propose we do about it?

Though this really does show a truly bizarre interpretation of the Bible.

[Number23]

27. What in Hell...??!

"They could go with the goodness of God and not have sex and create and grow old and die or they could go with the evil and the power that Lucifer gave them and have sex and create."

So now it's LUCIFER that gave everyone their sex drive and desire to have kids?? :crazy: Although that would definitely explain a few things I've seen in the candy aisle at the grocery store.

And what exactly is a "morfadite" anyway??

[Hello_Kitty]

32. I know! It's so deliciously paradoxical.

If I fuck, it's evil.

If I don't fuck, I won't procreate.

If I fuck and procreate, I'm a tool of Lucifer.

If I fuck and procreate, I'm following the Biblical command to "multiply".

But I'm still an evil sinner.

I think he's got organized religion down pat.

[Number23]

35. Eggg-zactly!

I get that these people think it makes them look "profound" or as though they're "searching for truth" to have two conflicting thoughts going on all at the same time. But when you have this many thoughts that are THIS conflicting going on all at once, I think we've gone past profound and well into bat shit, mf'ing crazy.

[krispos42]

28. I feel slighted...

Now we are still the same way because people still create birthdefects and deformaties. Here are just a few examples. The blind, deaf, handicapped, mentally retarded, gays, lesbians, shemales, morfadites, transvestites, midgets, giants, murderers, childmolestors and many more.

"Liberals" didn't make the list!!!


Or "LIEberal" or "libruls".



Damn, we're slipping. We should go put a tax on abortions! That'll put us on the list! Yeah!



:eyes:




I sometimes wonder how those guys remember to breathe...

[Hello_Kitty]

31. Hello, I think that list pretty much covered the liberal spectrum

;)

[Norquist Nemesis]

29. The 7th word put me on alert

Every time I see or hear someone telling me what God said, I run. Been there, done that.

[Toucano]

34. Powerful stuff

I laughed, I trembled and I wept for the pathetic mind that wrote this.

[burning rain]

36. Hilarious, that was some tasty madness.

Thanks, Kitty.

[NeedleCast]

38. If Eve is flesh of Adams flesh and bone of his bone

isn't this just mastrubation?

[Spike89]

39. Not even consistent

So, assuming Eve is a genetic clone of Adam, them having sex is 1:1 meaning they are each 100% Adam (genetically). Of course, their offspring are each 100% Adam and it is no worse (or better) in any combination. Why mother-son/father-daugther is considered worse than brother-sister is not clear at all...this is a closed system and all combinations are exactly the same by the definitions set forth by the author.

The clause, "if Adam came from the dust and Eve came from the dust there would be no incest" seems to be implying that a) God screwed up or b) God never intended for humans to continue (and thus screwed up that way too). Perhaps God had a non-sexual plan for us to reproduce and we messed up by being too randy to wait for it?

Evidently, this author is advocating human cloning! They must be huge fans of embryotic stem cell research in the pursuit of cloning knowledge. By extension then, they are in need of fetal material and depend on abortion.

[tabbycat31]

40. typical Republican

wants the government in your bedroom.

[PopSixSquish]

41. And Again I Ask - Being Stupid Has to Hurt Eventually Right?

[Stevenmarc]

42. Ok so he took some biblical refrigerator magnets .....

threw them, and this was the shit that stuck.

[eppur_se_muova]

43. Mmmmm ... Scriptural salad.

All the words, tossed and blended, with no Intelligent Designer to force sense on it all.

[skypilot]

44. "...closer than closer than closer flesh..."

I couldn't finish reading it. It started to feel just like when I hit the "so-and-so begat so-and-so" portion of the Bible. But, of course, it is also much, much worse than that for countless, mind-boggling reasons. This guy sounds ten times crazier than Carrie's mom. Just the fact that we exist seems to be a sin in his eyes.

[MrScorpio]

45. I guess that makes us all motherfuckers

Or fatherfuckers too