In college I was a consumate liar about being gay

[dsc]

I took a ton of shit for being gay while in high school. My self esteem was shattered on many levels. Determined to avoid that fate in college I went to a school where no one knew who I was and I could start over. And start over I did. I invented girl friends, lied about where I went, furtively read pornography, and invented a whole life. I was damn good at it. No one knew when I finally came out (to the point that one friend told me I was bisexual not gay).

Being a good liar is hard. Stories to keep straight, time and phone calls to account for, and being perfectly on message every day. Never looking at a cute guy too long. Never running into someone I dated when with my friends. But most worrisome of all was just how good I became at it. I was a really great liar. I practiced and honed my lying skill until it was second nature.

The true irony is that it was the lies that cost me a good friend and not the being gay.


The fact is lying has a cost. The fact is being dishonest has a cost. In short passing has a cost. It is ludricrious to pretend otherwise. Stop telling us we can pretend to be straight.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

1. K&R

[Nickster]

2. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.

[raccoon]

3. Thanks for sharing. Not only does passing have a high cost to those who are passing

for straight, but it could to others as well, who mistakenly believe that person is straight.

[dsc]

4. At least I stuck with inventing girl friends instead of finding them

I am glad I didn't find a hostage in this delusion.

[raccoon]

5. That's to your credit. nt

[hunter]

12. As a former "hostage," I respect that a lot.

One thing about hostages is that they want to believe the lie too, even when the evidence is overwhelming.

:hug:

[marmar]

6. I knew that thread (which I assume your post is in response to) was going to devolve.....

...... into one of those "Whose Oppression is Greater?" fests.


I think the late Washington DC City Councilman Mel Boozer summed it up: "Would you ask me how I'd dare to compare the civil rights struggle with the struggle for lesbian and gay rights? I can compare, and I do compare them. I know what it means to be called a nigger. I know what it means to be called a faggot. And I can sum up the difference in one word: none."

[sfwriter]

7. Nobody is gay in high school...

I was told this with conviction by someone applying for a teaching position with my local arts council. She was big Assembly of God and wanted a position with our writing for teens class, which has a therapeutic edge, helping kids cope with the stresses of life.

I filled the positions with other candidates, obviously.

Hang in there and thanks for sharing this.

[dsc]

10. Well there is clueless then there is clueless

I was reading Out magazine the other day. This woman wrote to an advice column about finding a magazing with naked men in her boy's room she was convinced a girl had brought it over and he was sleeping with her. You chose wisely.

[pnwmom]

8. Gay youth have another disadvantage compared to other minority youth:

they don't share their "otherness" with their (usually) straight parents and siblings.

Yes, gay people can "pass" insofar as the outside world is concerned -- if they deny themselves. But in their hearts the "passers" feel different, and ashamed of their difference -- and they are isolated and alone even in the midst of the people who should be the closest to them.

As the daughter of a gay man, I usually "passed" in the sense that anyone I met assumed my parents were straight, whether they said anything or not. (I have several siblings, my parents had a long marriage, and I don't wear a rainbow patch.) So I have an inkling of what it's like for closeted gays -- how it feels to listen to the comments that people make, how it eats away at your self esteem. And imagine if the bigoted comments are coming from other family members. What could be more painful for a teenager?

[Terran]

9. Who is "telling us we can pretend to be straight"?

You mean versus ethnic minorities, who can't pretend not be what they are?

[nichomachus]

14. A lot of people do -- that's the whole basis of DADT

and some ethnic minorities do pretend not to be what they are. Some light colored blacks have tried to "pass." Some Jews change their names, go to the Episcopal church and celebrate Christian holidays. I have one friend who didn't find out until he was 21 that he was Jewish.

[Terran]

17. I found the thread where someone did just that...

(that we can just pretend so our 'suffering' doesn't rate as high as other minorities). I see where the OP's coming from now. God, what a ghastly level of ignorance, to say such a thing.

[pnwmom]

18. If comparisons are to be made,

I think gay youth can have it harder, because they can feel isolated and different even within their own families.

And because there is this whole (false) morality argument brought into their situation. (No one claims that being a member of a different race makes you immoral.)

[AndyA]

11. You lose so much when you have to pretend to be something you aren't.

It's a huge price to pay.

I know where you're coming from. People who haven't been in this position don't realize what they give up, and you never get it back.

Sending good thoughts your way. :)

[defendandprotect]

13. For generations, that's exactly what homosexuals have had to do . . . !!!

What choice did they or you have ???

At least you didn't become a preacher -- !!!

[nichomachus]

15. I did that for 29 years

I came along in the days when "coming out" was pretty close to impossible -- not even a viable option. People ask me why I didn't come out sooner, and I tell them it's like asking why I didn't take a week-long vacation on the moon.

As I got older, I was going to gay bars and had gay friends, but was living a double life. If I was out with straight friends and saw a gay friend in a store or restaurant, it was as if he didn't exist -- and he understood. There might be a moment when our eyes met in a very silent greeting, but it was a millisecond, no more. We all had to play that game.

We all had imaginary girlfriends, who mysteriously were either sick or had prior commitments when it came time for parties, etc. When we were on the phone at work, we talked in code. Each bar had a code name, not the real name, so we could make plans to meet later.

It was kind of like being a spy. It didn't pay as well, but the consequences of being found out were about the same. Had anyone discovered I was gay, I would have lost most of my friends, my family, and my job.

Those were the days -- like in the opening scenes of "Milk" -- where you could be arrested (and beaten by the police) for simply being in a gay bar. You didn't have to be doing anything. Just being there was enough to get you arrested. A little known fact: At the time of the Stonewall riots, there was a law in New York, under which a bartender could be arrested for serving more than three "homosexuals" at the same time in his bar. That was in 1969, and it's why the bars had to pay off the police and were frequently raided.

After Stonewall, I did come out and I did lose some friends. Fortunately, I was in school at the time, so I had no job to lose. The biggest relief was no longer having to lie about where I was last night, who I was with, where I was going, etc. That alone made life so much easier.

[pnwmom]

19. My father came out in 1981 -- at the height of the panic

over the "gay man's disease." (AIDS)

I was a young adult then, so I remember well the culture you're talking about. I remember how worried my mother would get when my father didn't come home -- I didn't know it at the time, but on top of everything else, she had to worry that he might have been arrested.

I know we still have a way to go, but sometimes I'm amazed at how far we HAVE come.

How did it go with your family when you finally came out?

[burning rain]

16. Geez, that seems dismal to have been more closeted in college.....

than high school -- not the usual pattern. But I'm glad you're past that, and glad you shared.

[dsc]

20. In fairness it didn't last that long

about two years.