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Shocking news from the nation's capital today as it is revealed that George Washington, revered as one of the Founding Fathers of the Country, and the first President of the United States, was actually neither. George Washington was not an American citizen, and therefor, must renounce claims to either of the afore mentioned honors.
Patriotic investigative reporters have uncovered the following irrefutable facts:
1. George Hussein Washington was born in Westmoreland County, in the Royal Colony of Virginia, and a subject of the British Crown.
2. Neither his father, Augustine Hussein Washington, nor his mother, Mary Robinson Washington, was an American citizen. Both were born subjects of the British Crown, and remained so for the rest of their lives. Mrs. Washington died after the establishment of the United States, but never produced any proof that confirmed her citizenship in the United States.
3. George Washington fought in the uniform of His Majesty's royal troops, and led expeditions of British soldiers against native inhabitants of America and their French allies. Washington never refuted this service to the King of England, and indeed expressed pride over his service to a nation other than the United States.
4. Washington brazenly sported his officer's uniform of the militia of the Royal Colony of Virginia while sitting as a representative of that Royal Colony in the Continental Congress.
5. Washington served as a spy for the British Crown during the War of Independence, and as a mole for the same in the Continental Army. For years, he pretended to lead brave American troops into battle, all the while crippling their chances of throwing off the shackles of royal oppression. Washington lost far more battles than he won, in a effort to look like a true American leader without damaging the interests of the British Crown in her colonies.
6. Washington fraudulently became President of the United States, despite never having completed the necessary paperwork regarding U.S. citizenship with the Department of State, the National Security Council, or indeed, the Governor of his home state, the former Royal Colony of Virginia.
7. Despite the best efforts of patriotic investigative reporters, Washington utterly refused to provide the Long Form, The Short Form, The Slightly Tattered Mid-Length Harlequin-Patterned Form, or The Pro-Forma Form, proving his status as a citizen of the United States.
8. Many of Washington's supporters in the Southern states are calling this a "massive witch-hunt", and remarked that of course, Washington was a true American, because he owned other human beings, and lived in a big house with columns out front, like a good citizen. These are people, it must be remembered, who are also not Americans, as they signed publicly available documents attesting to such, and started a war to back it up.
9. The investigative reporters who compiled this information are willing to admit error if someone can step forward with proof in the form of a Long-Form Certificate of Live Birth from Virginia, the U.S. State, not the British Royal Colony. Until such a time, the American people are put on notice that they have been horribly duped by a freakishly tall British subject with a bad temper and rhinoceros teeth.
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