Stalking the Shadows: Officially Crazy

[shadowknows69]

“All children see different shapes in the clouds. Some of us simply haven’t learned we’re not supposed to anymore.”
-Anonymous

Let me unpeel the layers of my mind for you.
Perhaps for the very last time, I’m saddened to say
Because the tale I now unfold is complete and true
From the time of my childhood until this very day

From very early in my youth I guess you could say I’ve seen things that aren’t there; or were they? It seemed my mind could create any vision, on land as well as in the sky that my brain would concoct at any given time. Like an overactive imagination set to eleven, car rides or excursions into the woods or visits to beaches weren’t mundane childhood and family pursuits. To me they were journeys to different worlds and times. Filled with sand castles and dragons, great spaceships made of cloud and forests that breathed and spoke as surely as I did.

Not all I saw seemed to be a benevolent creation of my own desires. Driving past the many farmlands where I grew up, head hanging from my mother’s station wagon like a happy dog, I would see images of tanks rolling over hilly fields. Pastures full of cows would become charnel plains of battle and fire. More detailed and horrid than my young mind should have been able to conjure, though I do admit to a prior enjoyment of the old war movies my father used to watch. These flash visions seemed so much more visceral than those movies should have produced.

This affected me in profoundly bad ways in my early schooling. Too many times friends and I would take a “short cut” through the woods to kindergarten, which would of course take us hours. I would stare out the window at my mind movies during early grammar school and nearly never complete homework due to similar distractions when I was home. My early handwriting and English skills, verbal and written, were so poor that my parents thought me possibly mentally challenged and sent me to some special institute in Montreal for some motor and comprehension tests.

The doctor’s assessment was basically that I did have some hand-eye coordination problems which was affecting my writing and attention span, but that I was actually reading at about a third grade level when I was six years old and had considerable intellectual potential, but would probably always have trouble with penmanship and basic balance and grace. He apparently suggested that my parents should get me a full time secretary to take dictation of whatever I might say. I took that as a compliment when I first heard it later in life from my mother.

I used the term “flash visions” because that’s the best way I can describe the state of my perception and they continue to this day. Sometimes they will be parts of dreams I’m just realizing I had. Other times intense feelings of deja vu where it seemed I would live a lifetime in my head in a matter of seconds as I passed places in my family’s travels that I couldn’t possibly have seen before. Some are horrible scenes of tragedy not known yet. I’ve watched loved ones die in a hundred different ways and indeed viewed the effects of my own demise from the point of view of others.

Before I ever took an illegal drug, and I’ve done my share, I’ve had intense experiences involving both sights and feelings that could only be considered “other worldly”. In my advancing age I try in vain to sort out what is actual memory or simply memories of hallucinations. Or even events completely created by my adult mind that are mingling with real childhood experiences. This is the fractured state I live in now.

And my imagination is still set at “eleven”. My mind works overtime to fill any empty spaces. Imagine, if you can, dreaming before you’re even asleep. I mean literally as soon as you close your eyes the images start. Some simply waves of color and fleeting pictures, and at other times scenes of such intensity and detail that it is impossible for your mind to slip into the REM sleep it should have to be in to even have these “pre-dreams”. I’ve had severe insomnia for much of my life because of this that thankfully has been cured to an extent with some medication. Mostly though that still entails staying up until I’m at a point of absolute exhaustion so I can go unconscious the second I hit that pillow.

Bedtime is not the only occurrence of these annoying sleepless dreams I have. Again I’ll refer to them as flash visions, but sometimes they last longer. I’ll go into an almost catatonic state, for usually no longer than a minute or so, and some scene will play out in my mind. Completely sucking me into the reality of it and yet I’m always also a “fly on the wall” observer of it all. Many times they’re simply conversations with people I intend on having, or perhaps it’s a dress rehearsal of it, but the problem with that is that my brain seems to log it as reality; as already having taken place, so many times I never remember to say what I wanted to the person in question. Other times they are people I don’t recognize, as are most of the people in my regular dreams, which is a whole other column in itself. This brings me to the next aspect of my particular kind of insanity: Absorption.

It seems my agoraphobia has increased in recent years because it started to feel like whenever I went among people I would be mentally assaulted by what I can only call their essences. Imagine entering a crowd of people and feeling a palpable physical discomfort just being around them. Like a cacophony of images and sounds filling an already jumbled mind with the raw energy of every life form around you. Senses go berserk and distant voices seem right next to you. The person talking to you is drowned out and their speech becomes gibberish. A clinking of a glass or the flick of a lighter can sound like a thunder clap and any conversation you have is lost to memory as soon as you speak the words. Names are impossible to remember if you shake hands with the person you’re meeting because the intensity of touch overrides your retention capabilities. Imagine being too afraid to look into someone’s eyes, even your own wife’s, for fear that you will be sucked into their eyes and absorb their very soul or they take a piece of yours.

Unfocused crowds are Hell. Emotions swirl around like wind and find me. Grief not my own incapacitates me and everyone I meet or even see for a moment haunts my memories and dreams from that point on sometimes even erasing my own to make space for these unwitting usurpers.

I now find it hard to grasp time or reality in any linear fashion. Strange faces and places float through my head. I see shadows walking on sunny streets attached to no one. Auras of energy surround all living beings and I always see them. I also hear the whispers of past and future things; my mind flashing from ancient ages where nothing human lives to future wastelands untold where nothing human lives. Not that I don’t love a good free movie, but I like to be in control of the DVD player.

So finally I’ve found someone to declare me “Officially Crazy”, which is tougher than you might think it would be. Believe me I still wish it weren’t so. I’ve obviously had depression issues along with the above mentioned symptoms, but until the recent therapist I’m seeing everyone else in the field I’ve seen was convinced I only had massive depressive disorder and possibly some anxiety issues (ya think?).

So my label on paper now is schizoaffective disorder, with an unhealthy mix of depression and anxiety of course, and sadly I must be “Officially Crazy” in order to get any continued help for it. I am, to my shame, pursuing disability for my condition because my wife simply can’t support us both and I’m simply not yet fit to work with other people in any constructive capacity. I’m not sure why I shared this with all of you except for the reasons I usually write which are for my own catharsis and, if possible to let a fellow “crazy” know they aren’t alone. If it helps to relieve some of the stigma of mental illness that even still exists here, that would be great too.

The bright side of my somewhat sad story is that I’ve been inspired by my own struggles and by some of the people I’ve met since starting down this long road of healing. When and if I do finally find a place of stability and peace before the fates take my body, I will probably be looking into going back to school to become a counselor of some kind. If there’s one thing I’ve learned that could be a potential boon of my “illness” it is my empathic tendencies, and in my opinion it would be the most good I could do with my remaining time if I could also help others like me. Thank you for your attention.
-S

[Xipe Totec]

1. Your writing is brilliant

a skill most of us would envy.

You should continue writing; I think you are very good.

Take this gift you have and make the most out of it.

My best wishes to you.

-XT

[shadowknows69]

3. If I can ever get my case settled and get some stability. Not feel like a burden to my tribe.

I'm going to write books like a sonovabitch. It's my main block in my creative flow right now. I have a cousin whose a four time published author who could probably kick open some doors for me.

[Xipe Totec]

17. I look forward to reading one of your books in hardcover

And, hopefully, I will get you to autograph it for me.

:hi:

[shadowknows69]

18. Lol, if there's still a such thing as books when I get round to it. You got it.

[Tess49]

20. I agree. I found this mesmerizing and was sorry when it ended. n/t

[shadowknows69]

23. Sunny you should say that because it's one of my biggest self criticizms

I end my writing too hastily sometimes and look back at it and realize what else I wanted to say. I was just writing along and noticed I was on page three of my Word doc already and decided I need to wrap it up. I always think I end badly.

[nolabear]

26. You know there's a saying among writers about that.

"You can never finish a poem; you can only abandon it." Same for prose, eh?

I replied downthread but I'm really glad you're a writer and would reiterate what I said down there.

[Morning Dew]

2. I wish you the healing you need.

:hug:


:hug: :hug: :hug:


:hug:

[PDJane]

4. I can empathize.........

quite seriously.

I was probably the only clincally depressed two year old that you've ever met. My father was manic-depressive, a violent and unpleasant man. I swear that trying to figure out what was going to trigger his temper left me with the ability to figure out what people were going to do before they did! A head injury forcibly re-wired the brain architecture somewhat later in life, and that left me with synesthesia and the heightened ability to 'know' which way the cat was going to jump next...and left me with the ability to smell colours. Words are freighted with meaning, too....especially the written word. They actually have an aura, of sorts...I know that sounds strange. If I know the author, I can actually hear the words in the author's voice. I don't speak of it much; I am on disability, and it's not an issue. I'm not dealing with others on a regular basis, so it is what it is.

I am sorry that you have to deal with it, and if I can give you any advice or you just want to talk, that's what electronics are for.

[shadowknows69]

5. I think I have synethesia too. I've taken a couple good blows to the head

Not the least of which was breaking a window with it in a car accident that I've never been really properly examined for. In fact the boneheads in the ER let me fall asleep, which in my understanding you're not supposed to let someone in shock do. I admit it's possible I did a fair amount of damage to myself with certain substances too, but I think those only exasperated existing conditions, not create them. Music has always been accompanied by color and intense physical, bordering on spiritual feelings. I suppose it does for everyone to an extent, but there are some symptoms of it that I definitely exhibit.

[mdmc]

6. thanks for the OP

peace and low stress

[PDJane]

7. yeah, all of those things are decidedly possible.......

And no, shocky people with a head injury aren't supposed to sleep.....you have all of my empathy. And yes, not having to work right now would likely be a plus. It would at least give you some time to try to handle it. And yes, I have a certain amount of agoraphobia too, which is one of the reasons I communicate mostly through the computer.

Get some assistance.....and be careful of the drugs, my friend, because the medical profession has a tendency to use you a guinea pig.

[shadowknows69]

9. I know that all too well already. I'm trying to do this with as few psychoactive drugs as possible

All the anti-depressant and anti-psychotic meds I've been tried on so far have made things worse in one way or another and gives me that Zombie feeling. Feeling nothing is not necessarily better than feeling too much.

[PDJane]

10. No. Been there, done that.......

and if you do find one that works, the side effects can make it not worth the time.

[shadowknows69]

12. Exactly. The one med they had me on made me gain 70 lbs in a year

It's now the target of a class action lawsuit for several reasons.

[Voice for Peace]

13. my opinion only

but based on my own experience; that a time comes when a person has to feel, and maybe feel all the feelings that have been stuffed down since childhood;

and in all of that feeling, there seems to be madness, but mixed up in the madness is a sense of healing, via feeling, gladness and utter sanity.

But it can be a tsunami at times; still, the feeling self knows how to heal itself. I firmly believe this. Agree that feeling nothing is worse than feeling too much.

And the "too much" is temporary. It will not always be too much.

The important thing is learning to feel again, and not to be afraid.

[shadowknows69]

15. I do want to harness those feelings. As I said, perhaps to be a therapist myself someday.

My best healing has been done by the simple act of having an empathetic ear and someone who knows tools to help me cope. I know many myself, but right now it takes paying $70 an hour for someone to help remind me of that.

[Torn_Scorned_Ignored]

8. The first thing I thought

reading your story wasn't officially crazy, but Autism.

I don't know very much about Autism and only know a few people with it so I used The Google and found this site http://www.webmd.com/brain/brain-disorders-injuries-9/autism which sounds very much like what you've described.

This is another page that lists symptoms, also sounding very similar to what you've written. http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/autism-symptoms

You write very well. You have a Gift. Good Luck.

[shadowknows69]

11. I've long suspected I have Asperger's syndrome.

In fact it wouldn't surprise me if that wasn't the diagnosis from that clinic I was sent to, but that is lost in time. My current therapist isn't qualified to diagnose that supposedly. Once I can get on some services I plan on being tested for it as she agrees it could be a possibility. Schizo affective is a nice umbrella diagnosis, which frankly I think is too loose in it's interpretation.

[shadowknows69]

24. Damn, See the more I read descriptions of high functioning autistics

The more I'm absolutely positive that's what I've had since birth. I've found a strong resistance so far from doctors around here, even my therapist, to diagnose that despite me telling them I experience pretty much ALL of the symptons and have all my life. I can' help but wonder if there is some mandate to avoid that conclusion in patients due to our already embarassing ratio of it happening today. Even my Reiki worker has the whole aversion to crowds thing because like me she just doesn't know what to do with all the energy swirling about a place filled with people and other sensory overload.

[Torn_Scorned_Ignored]

31. I don't know about that mandate

unfortunately it could be about the doctors you've seen.

Have they been general practitioners or psychiatrists? Psychiatrists get A Lot of kickbacks from pharmaceutical representatives. Things like nice dinners, gift coupons, discounts etc.... The Zyprexa you referred to that caused so much weight gain was likely the stimulus for some very nice gifts.

You said your therapist wasn't qualified to make a diagnosis. Maybe he isn't. I believe someone must have at least a Masters Degree in psychology to make one. You might have a Social Worker/counselor which I doubt is qualified, although I might be talking out of my A**. A good working knowledge of the DSM-IV http://allpsych.com/disorders/dsm.html is required.

I'm glad you read the Link I gave you. Probably your best route is to go ahead and be "Officially Crazy" for now, it will be the fastest and easiest way to get Disability. Once that is settled you can shop around for a doctor who can really help you. Have you tried asking for a referral to someone whose specialty is autism? In the future that might be the way to go.

Good Luck.

[nashville_brook]

14. wishing you the best with the dx -- i've experienced some of what you mention.

the emotional overload of being in a crowd...boy, do i relate.

kind of on a different track, i've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia which is primarily a pain syndrome, but has an affective/cognitive side. fibros can get stimulation overload quite easily. we feel assaulted sometimes with light, motion, emotion, smells, noise, etc. malls are a nightmare for me. as are sporting events. i often feel beat-up just watching movie trailers, and feel like an idiot having tears streaming down my cheeks before the movie even starts.

i hope this dx helps you access assistance in the system -- and gives you the time and headspace to be able to write more.

[shadowknows69]

16. And I have many of those symptoms too. That's what confuses me the most

About some of these diagnosises is that so many of the symptoms overlap that I don't see how they can be called definitively one way or another. It almost has an air of "making it up as we go along", but I guess that is kind of what psychiatry is. I just think they've created too many sub-names for essentially the same diseases.

[Time for change]

19. Thank you for sharing -- The mysteries of the human mind have barely begun to be unlocked

I was especially inspired by the writings of the psychiatrist (who was a victim of a Nazi concentration camp) Victor Frankl, in his book, "The Will to Meaning". I found it inspiring because it explained how we are all so much more than the sum of our parts, that is so much more than our bodies and what other people can tell of our mental processes.

This passage was particularly moving to me. I don't know if it will be to you to, but your story brought it to mind. So just in case you find it inspiring, here it is:

There is no doubt that from the psychiatric point of view, Joan of Arc would have had to be diagnosed as a case of schizophrenia; and as long as we confine ourselves to the psychiatric frame of reference, Joan of Arc is "nothing but" a schizophrenic. What she is beyond a schizophrenic is not perceptible within the psychiatric dimension. As soon as we follow her into the noological dimension and observe her theological and historical imporantce, it turns out that Joan of Arc is more than a schizophrenic. The fact of her being a schizophrenic in the dimesnion of psychiatry does not in the least detract from her significance in other dimensions.

.
Anyhow, good luck with your problem, and may you find what you're looking for.

[shadowknows69]

22. Heck, I even heard once what I thought was the voice of God..

Being burnt with Saint Joan would have been an honor.

[ConsAreLiars]

21. No shame at all. Congratulations, actually.

Instead of trying to live and work in ways that the average person might be able to adapt to, with any luck you will be able to gain some access to resources and tools that will enable you to do exceptional things with your exceptional mind and sensitivities. Writing is obvious a great talent, and I would also expect counseling to be another.

Really good news from/about a really good person.

[nolabear]

25. ShadowKnows, I have a favor to ask.

This is one of the most insightful, moving descriptions of the inner workings of a mind I've ever read. I wonder if I could share it with some of my colleagues? It might be very helpful for those of us who see people who might deal with the same issues but who don't have your eloquence in describing it.

As to the disability, if I may give you some advice, accept it the way an artist would accept a patronage, and if you can, give back somewhere, even doing what you're doing here, being a voice that helps people to understand the intricacies of the human mind. It's a valuable contribution, and one that seldom gets rewarded.

Thank you for your post. You've made my understanding better.

[shadowknows69]

33. Do anything you like with it absolutely.

[winyanstaz]

27. Dear Shadow,

You are not crazy.
As a child I suffered the same things and it was not until much later I found the right people and lessons that helped me.
You are a psychic and a sensitive/empath. You need to find a good teacher who can help you shield yourself as well as gain some control.
No one wakes up one morning and is a great shaman/psychic/witch/Wiccan/Seer/put your favorite label here...but rather it takes a lifetime of experiences until finally..one day you get the missing pieces of your "puzzle" or meet the right teacher and it all falls into place.
That doesn't mean the lessons are over as they are never-ending. It just means you will understand what you were seeing, what level of consciousness and/or plane/dimension you were on and gain some control and be able to shut it off.
Main stream Doctors cannot help you as they have no clue as to what is really going on. They can only drug you.
You are feeling and seeing pieces and parts of people's energy fields and you are also seeing and feeling people's thought-forms. This is natural but there is a lot more to it and you will need more information to deal with these things.
I teach Seeing among other things so I can help you if you wish. I can show you the first four layers of the human aura but you will have to earn the ability to see the last three. (there are seven)
You are having flashes of your spiritual powers and that is normal for those waking in consciousness. It happens at different rates to different people but it all happens.
For example, some may feel energy before they start seeing it..some just see it right off. Some may be clairaudiant, some may start out having flashes of clairvoyance..etc. That is all normal.
If you live close to me, I would be happy to help you for free because you seem to be having a bad time with it.
You may write me if you wish at [e-mail].
I realize I am sticking my neck out here posting one of my addresses but
I do NOT open any mail from people I don't know so make sure I will know it is from you.

[TygrBright]

28. Your writing is beautiful. Your mind is beautiful.

But beauty is only a survival skill on the meta, evolutionary level. And beauty that is different from what a very narrow, corporate-controlled culture defines as beauty can be a very real challenge.

I believe you made a sensible choice. You've defined the interface between your perceptual cues and the socioeconomic 'realities' of our culture in terms that are familiar and comforting to those who can't deal with your reality. That's an enormous concession from you, but it does not have to demand anything more of you than a simple acknowledgment that "Here is the label you folks use that best describes what you can see of me from your limited viewpoint. Feel free to use it. I'll answer to it and we can interact in that space, even though my space is so much bigger and stranger and richer. This is our neutral zone. We can communicate."

You have many friends and fans here who like reading whatever you wish to write. Thanks for continuing to write for us-- and for you, as you say. You share your reality with us as a skilled travel writer shares exotic locales we might never experience.

It's strange to reflect that every symptom you describe is something that affects millions of people-- occasionally, and usually not as acutely as your experience. Most of us can remember moments of disorientation and anxiety in crowds. Most of us can remember transient moments of 'sensory overload' or hyper-augmented sensory experiences. Most everyone knows what it is like to feel depressed, anhedonic. Many of us can recall moments of "flash vision," if only in waking dreams or half-asleep. None of this is crazy.

For whatever reason, your brain gives it all to you in extended increments, again and again. No "off switch" available to you.

I tried to describe my own perception of the dreaming mechanism to someone once: That as we accumulate waking experiences, we store little electrical impulses in the brain, impulses that our waking state controls-- like keeping the cork in a bottle of champagne. When we sleep, that control lapses. The impulses sparkle like little bubbles in no particular order, and our sleeping brain constructs a surreal narrative with them in an effort to 'make sense.' But for most of us, the bubbles eventually pop themselves out, the brain goes flat, we use them up, we have deep sleep. Then as we approach waking, our brain starts to 'juice up' again. The electrical impulses have nowhere to go and we are not yet conscious enough to control them, so we dream again.

The person I described this to happened to be a neurobiologist who has done some work on consciousness, and he said it was actually a decent, if very incomplete, description.

I give you these concepts for what they are worth. Maybe your "flash visions" are bubbles, maybe your conscious mind's "control override" is not as strong as most peoples'. Maybe it cuts in and out unpredictably. In any case, each component is normal. We all have them. It's so much and all together that poses the challenge. It sounds as though you are trying to do something positive and beautiful with the challenge. I wish you success.

And: Catharsis is a tool. Use it when you need it. We're here.

appreciatively,
Bright

[hunter]

29. You just reminded me, I have to take my meds...

:hi:

[BluinTX]

30. How brave of you!

I have lurked here for years and waited for the right time to
actually register and post, and this OP finally tipped the
scale for me.  At this point I wont say more than point out
that you aren't alone.  I, myself, do not suffer quite the
burden you do,nevertheless, I empathize completely.

[Ms. Toad]

35. Welcome! n/t

[redqueen]

36. Welcome to DU.

:hi:

[shadowknows69]

37. Welcome and thanks!

[RagAss]

32. You have a 4 dimensional mind and you are stuck in a 3 dimensional world....

We should all be "crazy" like this.

[redqueen]

34. ...

I wish the 'officially crazy' stuff wasn't such a big deal... your brain functions the way it does, and that's just how it is. I'm glad you're finding some relief with medication... and I hope you stop feeling shame about pursuing disability. It's not like you're faking a back injury... there should be no shame in this for you.

Good luck. :hug:

[shadowknows69]

38. That's exactly how I look at it redqueen. I'm not crazy.

"I yam what I yam" a wise sailor once said lol. And I don't really feel ashamed as much as acknowledge that society says I probably should. That I can't "pull my self up by my (mental) bootstraps". Any issues I have with that is guilt built by a society I've never had much desire or luck interacting with anyway. I love what Tygerbright said about my OP and that my declaration of being "Officially Crazy" is more an attempt to find common ground and in a way to shame the people that throw that word around a bit too much.

[redqueen]

39. Yes...

using the 'officially crazy' label is a good way to do that. I have synaesthesia too (very mild) but never associated it with a head injury. I wonder, though...

Thanks very much for your lovely OP and this thread... very interesting stuff. :)

[Robyn66]

40. Take care of yourself

First of all, you are a very gifted and talented writer! Also I agree with Torn_Scorned_Ignored, when I first read your OP Autism jumped in to my mind. My daughter has Aspergers Syndrome and it is very commonly misdiagnosed. A lot of what you say is very similar to charactaristics she has, only fortunately she was diagnosed and has been receiving support which is helping her learn to face the world. I hope that you are seeing someone who could possibly evaluate or refer you to someone who could evaluate you.

Take care of yourself and be safe

[shadowknows69]

41. My therapist says she doesn't see it. I literally just talked to her about it.

She said she would refer me to a specialist in Syracuse for standardized tests, but in my currently uninsured state, they wouldn't see me without a promise of cash that I don't have.

[Robyn66]

42. My brother is facing a similar problem

He lives in my dad's basement and has been diagnosed with add. BUT he cant tolerate things like shaving cream touching his hands or face or even walking barefoot. He never was able to walk barefoot on a beach. I beleive with all my heart he has Aspergers. Very intellegent but the outside world and social situations are too overwhelming and he comes off as too odd to hold down a job for long. Now he works for Fed Ex out of the house (the worst possible thing for him) and his insurance will not cover an evaluation from a real specialist at a real hospital that would be able to truely figure out what is going on.

I am obviously completely ignorant to your situation but my daughter used to get "lost in her own world" all the time when she was small. She would have what can only be described as "waking nightmares" Horrific visions (on the playground for instnace) that would send her in to hysterics and when someone would ask her about them she would describe things like falling off a building and on to concrete. This is in first grade!

She is in high school now and we still have a tough time keeping her grounded. She she calls this Joe Jonas line Disney has set up so kids can listen to pre recorded messages from the Jonas Brothers. Sometimes when there are updates the line calles you. (ah Disney marketing!) It probably wasn't a good idea to let her do it in the first place. Anyway I got a call from school a couple of weeks ago because she was saying she wanted to kill herself because "Joe" hadn't called her lately. She can't play roll playing games and I have to keep a very close watch on anything fantacy she gets interested in because it can become so real it becomes dangerous.

I am not saying this is what is going on with you because obviously I have no idea and you and your docs certainly know. But my daughter began to read at a young age, is a genius, and a phenomenaly talented writer. So there are some similarities to your story that strike me. It may be that she has similarities to you more than you to her. I am starting her in therapy because of this suicide threat because I can't take the chance if I am not there to talk her down immmediately when she needs it.
Take care

[shadowknows69]

43. My biggest sensory phobia seems to be paper and some wood products

Handling some paper or in particular getting any in my mouth or popsicle sticks and/or tongue depressors feel like a thousand electrified pins on my nervous system. I get the sensation almost as intensely just thinking about it. On the other hand I love touching trees. I actually gain energy from doing so. Cut wood or paper though is Hell to me. I think I might have been a bit of a druid in a past life perhaps.

[Blue_Tires]

44. declared “Officially Crazy?”

well at least you had an easier time of it than Yossarian...

some fun quotes, because they never get old...

"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt..."

"So many things were testing his faith. There was the Bible, of course, but the Bible was a book, and so were Bleak House, Treasure Island, Ethan Frome and The Last of the Mohicans. Did it then seem probable, as he had once overheard Dunbar ask, that the answers to riddles of creation would be supplied by people too ignorant to understand the mechanics of rainfall? Had Almighty God, in all His infinite wisdom, really been afraid that men six thousand years ago would succeed in building a tower to heaven?"

"Frankly, I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry. If we pay the government everything we owe it, we'll only be encouraging government control and discouraging other individuals from bombing their own men and planes."

"They're trying to kill me," Yossarian told him calmly.
"No one's trying to kill you," Clevinger cried.
"Then why are they shooting at me?" Yossarian asked.
"They're shooting at everyone," Clevinger answered. "They're trying to kill everyone."
"And what difference does that make?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Clevinger really thought he was right, but Yossarian had proof, because strangers he didn't know shot at him with cannons every time he flew up into the air to drops bombs on them, and it wasn't funny at all. And if that wasn't funny, there were lots of things that weren't even funnier...

[shadowknows69]

45. Nice. Thanks for that.