*Tiger Woods must die. By Mark Morford

[madokie]

*Tiger Woods must die
<http://wc.sfgate.com/t?r=1854&c=1889844&l=53406&ctl=2C786ED:C03CC34683EFF8FD92DF61745919B82E8B8AABCA143E5BEC&>*
The sooner he flames out completely, the sooner he shall rise again
/By Mark Morford/

I find I am, almost against my will, utterly delighted by the Tiger Woods
crash-and-burn who-woulda-thunk slut-of-the-week pornstars-n-skanks flameout
shockfest circus funhouse megaspectacle.

It was not a quick realization. Fact is, I have never once cared the slightest
bit about Tiger Woods or anything he has ever done, represented, embodied. I
have zero interest in golf, don't care for insipid multimillionaire celebrity
endorsements, gated Florida mansions or blinged-out Cadillac Escalades, and I
have never once found myself remotely enchanted or bedazzled by anything Woods
has said or done, largely due to the fact he doesn't appear to have much of a
discernable personality or any spiritual fire to speak of, and his sole
accomplishment seems to be making a mountain of cash by playing one of the
world's most boring, nonathletic sports exceptionally well.

But never mind any of that now. Tiger has transformed. Tiger has /transcended/.
He is right now entering another glorious, rarified realm, a unique strata of
American iconography, that of the fallen hero, the broken god, the disgraced
saint soon be abhorred and mocked by millions, only to be -- and you may take my
word for this right now -- loved and adored again in about, oh, I'd say two
years and change. Maybe less. Just you watch.

It's the same old story, really. Woods is now in the midst of nothing less than
a classic, time-honored pattern that just might be one of our nation's finest,
most insidious inventions of all time. ...

*(click here
<http://wc.sfgate.com/t?r=1854&c=1889844&l=53406&ctl=2C786ED:C03CC34683EFF8FD92DF61745919B82E8B8AABCA143E5BEC&>
to read the rest)*

(Full URL:
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2009/12/11/notes121109.DTL&nl=fix)

[ima_sinnic]

1. I adore anything Mark Morford writes. The man is simply brilliant.

Here he speaks for me, right to the point of "his sole
accomplishment seems to be making a mountain of cash by playing one of the
world's most boring, nonathletic sports exceptionally well." :rofl:

rec'd

[Heidi]

2. Recommended.

:kick:

[madokie]

5. No words this morning

just a :hug: and a :hi:

[Heidi]

6. Thanks, friend!

And a big :* to you and my home state! :hug:

[malaise]

3. Great read

Thanks madokie. :hi:

[madokie]

4. you are welcome malaise

:hi:
Morford is such a breath of fresh air. He cleans the stink away and leaves us with a cool gentle all encompassing breeze. He is brilliant with the written word and I try to not miss any of them.

[Frank Cannon]

7. Morford nails it yet again

His description of Tiger's talent is spot-on.

[sendero]

8. Exactly..

.... "I have never once found myself remotely enchanted or bedazzled by anything Woods has said or done, largely due to the fact he doesn't appear to have much of a discernable personality or any spiritual fire to speak of, and his sole accomplishment seems to be making a mountain of cash by playing one of the world's most boring, nonathletic sports exceptionally well."

+1,000,000

[snagglepuss]

21. +1

[alcibiades_mystery]

9. I'm rooting for Tiger to win the Masters

[JCMach1]

10. With a porn star on each arm!

LOL

[alcibiades_mystery]

11. Yup yup

Donuts in the Escalade on 18, screaming "Eat a dick, America!"

[kayakjohnny]

15. Nice imagery!

I can totally see that.

The donut flings the door open, and out come beer cans, pill bottles and an ashtray full of roaches.

Oh, and panties of course.

[Mopar151]

17. The Jack Daniels Open....

There is a very funny story about celebrity golf tournaments which I'll post here, from "Competition Plus" - an online drag racing magazine who runs a "war stories contest" This is a couple years old, so please forgive my posting in entirety, 'cuz it's buried pretty deep. This year's contest starts soon, tho - if you like this, thare are more......


#8 Qualifier – Gary “Wild Thing” Scelzi
WAR STORIES CLAIM TO FAME – Once Posed As A Crash Test Dummy Named Ron Scelzi

THE STORY OF THE GRINNING RENTAL TRUCK

You know Ron Capps and I have history. There’s never a dull moment when you put us together. But I need to set the record straight. I am the one branded as the loudmouth funny guy. But, that quiet Ron Capps is as much a mess as anyone I know. Keep that in mind.

So, here it is in the middle of the summer and we’re headed to Sedalia, Missouri for a charity golf tournament. It’s the Michael Ross Foundation Charity Tournament that Danny Lasoski, a World of Outlaws Racer, puts on every year. He’s racing in the IROC series that year and it’s sponsored by Crown Royal. You can already see where this one is headed.

Anyway, we head to St. Louis and the game plan is to get a rental car and head over to the event.

You know us – we’re messing with the girl at the rental car counter and by the time we’ve finished – this poor old girl doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going. We get the car and make sure we get the insurance, keep that detail in mind – it will be important later in the story.

We get the car and start driving, and we’re running behind schedule already, and this thing is not handling good at all. That’s because it has a flat on the right front. So we whip this thing around, and nearly flip it driving it back on the rim to get a new one.

You could see the look on this girl’s face as we returned. She wanted to run.

“This thing is no good, we need something else,” we told her.

She then told us that we she had nothing else, well – except a crew cab Dodge truck. We said, “Perfect, we’ll take it.”

We hop in that truck, put the gas to the mat and haul ass to Sedalia, Missouri. The next morning we get up and head to the tournament.


The whole scenario goes downhill from there. Every golf kart has a bottle of Crown Royal on it. You can see where this is headed and everyone starts spiking one another’s POWERade and coffee and whatever.

Needless to say, after 18 holes this turned into a big bus wreck. People were dropping pants and mooning one another and others were taking pictures. You get the idea. The people who go to these things are top racers on other circuits – big name circuits.

This thing was getting pretty ugly by the time we’d finished 18 holes and we still had a dinner, awards banquet and an auction to raise money for this organization.

One thing led to another and pretty soon none of us were in any shape to crawl back to the hotel, much less drive. I don’t even know that we could get a ride back to the hotel outside of the bus shuttle. The bus was running late and we didn’t feel like waiting.

We could see the hotel from the golf course parking lot. We started to rationalize that it would be okay to drive across the dirt field to the hotel and we’d be fine. After all, it wasn’t against the law to drive across the field to a hotel. How could we go wrong?

There’s about five of us in the truck.

One of the guys who played with us said he would drive, he would show us how to do it. “I’m gonna drive. We can do this,” he said.

I get in the back seat, buckle in, and we take across this field. One guy in the car spoke up and told Capps, “That’s bitchin’ that you guys get to drive 300 miles per hour for a living. What is that like?”

Well Capps, without missing a beat, says, “I’ll show you and puts the thing to the mat. We are hauling ass across this field and stuff is flying all over the truck and we’re holding on for dear life.

There’s always a time in every bad situation that you second guess yourself and at this point, I was having second thoughts.

What we didn’t take into account is that it had rained and this dirt field wasn’t hardened and it wasn’t flat. In fact, where they had begun developing the land, there were some drainage ditches. We didn’t know that and didn’t exactly take that into account before we take off on this adventure.

So, we are flying across this field and boom – this truck goes airborne. There is dead silence and we’re waiting for the impact that doesn’t come immediately.

In fact, there was a good four or five seconds of silence. I knew at that point, there wasn’t going to be a good outcome here. I thought we were going to flip or we had gone over a cliff or something.

Then all of a sudden there was a big crash sound as we hit. Then there was another big crash and that was our golf clubs finally landing in the bed of the truck.

You know when something like that happens, you can’t even speak, much less poop your pants. You just look at one another with your beverage dripping from the roof and your clothes.

We walked through the hotel like we had seen a ghost and got to our rooms and never spoke the rest of the night. Then, at 9:30 the next morning, we get up and head out to the parking lot.

There are no other cars in this parking lot – just this one Dodge truck and it looked like someone had taken it for a ride through a lake. We walked out and began looking this truck over.

It was so bad. The front bumper was bent so bad that it looked like it was smiling at us. There was no mud in the parking lot but only in a circle around this truck. Evidently, when the truck stopped – all the mud fell off right there.

We looked at each other trying to figure out what had happened and then it all came back. We opened the door and that was enough to knock someone down. It was a mess. Then we walked around to the back and every golf club was still in the back. Whatever hang time we had was long enough for every bag to land upside down and collect every flying club. We knew this one wasn’t going to turn out good.

Doug Kalitta saved us. He was at that tournament and was smart enough not to take the journey with us. He was flying back to Michigan and offered to give a ride back to St. Louis.

I thought, okay, this is perfect. We had a friend of Lasoski’s put it on a flat bed tow truck and take it to St. Louis because he was coming to St. Louis that weekend for the racing.

Everything seemed to fall into place and we thought we had gotten away with murder when three weeks later, Capps gets this phone call. Then Capps tells me, “Someone called from the rental car company and wanted to speak to Ron Scelzi.”

He tried to tell them they were speaking to Ron Capps, but they were intent on speaking to Ron Scelzi or Gary Capps. Come to find out, when we were at the rental counter, we had that girl so flustered that she got our names messed up.

This person was calling to find out who was going to pay for the $10,000 dollars in damage to this Dodge truck.

I thought Capps was just yanking my chain and then my phone starting ringing off the hook. I remembered when we did this we took out the insurance policy. I called the company back and finally told them there was Ron Capps and Gary Scelzi and to leave us alone.

I told them that truck was in perfect shape when we returned it. We had a friend of ours that dropped the truck off so someone must have stolen it and taken it for a joy ride. I told them we paid the insurance so leave us alone.

They tried for three more weeks to send us a bill, but I won’t mention any names because I’m afraid they won’t rent me another car.

I know there is one particular company that won’t rent to Ron Scelzi anymore.

[SIMPLYB1980]

12. +100

[varelse]

13. Hehe - this is pretty much how I feel about the situation

I never cared in the slightest about the guy, except as a fellow human being. Mark's got an excellent point about the probable rehabilitation of Tiger's public image, too.

[tularetom]

14. The best part will be watching the self righteous pro golf tour react to this

You gotta know there is a shitload of this kind of thing going on among the tour players. But they are without a doubt the most hypocritical group of "athletes" in America, even more so than fundamentalist football coaches. Right now I'd guess a lot of them are sweating buckets in fear that some nosy reporter is going to ask one of Tiger's hookers about other holiewr than thou golfers. Watching tightass Jim Nantz call the Masters ("a tradition unlike any other") will be a hoot next spring.

[Missy Vixen]

23. Actually, it's not just pro golfers that are about to have it rain down

I enjoy reading deadspin.com. Yeah, I'm a sports nut. There's an article currently posted over there to the effect that there are many, many pro athletes around the country that enjoy the same artificially-created "success" with the ladies, and they are terrified that some of the "event planners" involved (including Ms. Uchitel,) will name names.

I think this is the beginning, and Mr. Missy Vixen are discussing whom we think is next...

[Tobin S.]

16. I don't know about the frequency of that scenario occurring

I can think of times when it has (Marve Albert), but ask O.J. Simpson how it worked out for him.

[iwillalwayswonderwhy]

19. OJ? How is Tiger Woods' situation remotely like OJ's?

One slept around, one sliced and diced and killed.

I agree with Mark Morford, I never gave Tiger Woods any thought whatsoever. But to compare what he did for his fall from grace to OJ's fall from grace. Jeepers.

[Tobin S.]

20. It's the same fall from grace rise to the top again scenario

Jeepers.

[snagglepuss]

22. Good point. I think Woods is profoundly vacuous but to compare him

with OJ is IMO offensive.

[goclark]

24. I agree and what bothers me too is the Title of the Article

There are so many other titles that would work.

[Johonny]

18. The Tiger Woods story has made me wish I golfed more

there are apparently upsides I hadn't considered.

[AndrewP]

25. That was a great article

[Blue Owl]

26. Did Tiger get the golf clap?

just wondering...