Abuse promoted in "the Way to Happiness" ad campaign?

[Meldread]

I'm sure most everyone has seen the ads for "the Way to Happiness" campaign. However, just so everyone is on the same page, let's start from the top. The Way to Happiness campaign is being carried out by a group associated with the Church of Scientology, and it is based on a pamphlet written by a 1980 booklet written by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard listing 21 moral precepts. The ads do not reveal that they are linked with the Church of Scientology, and basically the goal behind them is to lure people into their church using the front group. The commercials seem to revolve around one of the 21 moral precepts in the booklet.

The ad in question is entitled: "Don't Be Promiscuous!"

As the name title implies, it's prompting the viewer to not be promiscuous. For those of you who haven't seen the ad, it can be viewed http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nr1A1ySXepg">here on YouTube.

Now the 21 moral precepts are generic things that most people would commonly agree with - such as standing against cheating on your partner. That's the hook to get you pulled in, but this post isn't about the Church of Scientology. What they are doing can be addressed in http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mnNSe5XYp6E">this video, also found at YouTube. It is meant to be a serious, but satirical look at how cults work. It isn't aimed specifically at Scientology, but within the first two minutes you can easily see how the hook works to get people to join them.

With all of that out of the way, I want to focus specifically on this ad. Set aside that Scientology is involved, and instead focus directly on the content of the ad.

It begins with a man removing his wedding ring, then is in various stages of success at trying to pick up women that aren't his wife. Throughout the clip he's attacked, repeatedly, by the women he attempts to pick up. Throughout most of the video he is slapped across the face, although at two points he has a glass smashed and broken over his head, and is kneed in the crotch once. It ends with him putting back on his wedding ring after sitting down on his couch, and bringing something cold to his face. His face is swollen, bruised and bloodied from the assaults he has endured. Text appears that states: "Cheating Hurts." It then flips back to the actors, this time focused on his wife who walks through the door and states: "Hey honey, what happened to your face?" Finally, it ends with the message "Don't Be Promiscuous" and directs the viewer to the front organization's website.

I'm posting here because I want to draw attention to this ad, but also to have a discussion about domestic violence. Full Disclosure: I've personally witnessed friends (both male and female) suffer through domestic violence. It is a horrible thing, and this is why I feel compelled to call out this ad.

From my own experience, I've learned that our society has a double standard. We've come a long way in helping women and creating a society in which abuse of women is widely condemned. This is a good thing, and we still need to do more. But for some reason we still hold to a backward thinking about men, as evidenced by the social acceptability of this ad. It basically states: "If a man is out of line, then it is perfectly acceptable to engage in corporal punishment - physical abuse - to 'correct' his behavior."

Assuming the man does not attempt to defend himself by physically attacking the woman, and instead chooses to complain about it he's labeled as "weak" and his masculinity is questioned. He's insulted, even by friends and family, and becomes the source of jokes both to his face and behind his back. "Ha. Ha. He got beat-up by a girl." "Ha. Ha. He has no backbone, and has to run crying because he can't defend himself." Or perhaps even worse, depending on the individual involved, "He probably did something to deserve it."

Let me be unequivocal here. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that justifies abuse. Ever. When you raise your hand or fist to someone you're in a relationship with, you've not only committed an act of assault (a crime) you have also broken all bonds of trust with that individual. The relationship turns away from a partnership and toward an abuser and victim relationship.

In our society, women are not given enough credit. One of the reasons this is deemed acceptable is because there is also sexism against women involved. That line of thinking goes along these lines: "Women are weak, and therefore cannot hurt men." Women are not weak. In fact, studies prove that women who -are- physically weaker than men often use weapons to compensate for the difference in strength.

Furthermore, when a woman abuses a man it places her in danger and the man in a difficult situation.

First of all, the woman is placed in danger because in roughly half of all domestic abuse cases involving men and women, BOTH individuals are physically abusing EACH OTHER. It is not as it is commonly portrayed in the movies and on TV - where all women simply endure physical punishment. No, many women opt to fight back, again using weapons to compensate for their difference in strength, if necessary or possible.

Second of all, if the man does attempt to defend himself then due to cultural perceptions he is likely to get blamed for being the aggressor. He is likely to suffer the most punishment, regardless of whether or not he threw the first blow.

In witnessing domestic abuse in the heterosexual relationships of my friends I saw both of these trends. In the first, the female was the clear abuser. The man did not bother to fight back. She engaged in both psychological and physical abuse. She insulted him in front of us - his friends - and even openly physically abused him by burning him with cigarettes... simply because she thought it was funny. To make matters worse, to prove that he was "a man" he had to act as if this didn't bother him at all, and this resulted in his friends (excluding myself and a couple of others) actually encouraging his girlfriend to go further and further. They found it sadistically humorous. Thankfully, she eventually cheated on him and dumped him for another guy.

In the second case, both the male and female (both friends) abused each other. It was not uncommon to have them get angry, get in a fight, and literally beat the hell out of each other. That relationship ended with her eventually stabbing him with a steak knife - puncturing his lung and nearly killing him.

It is because of these experiences in my own life that I felt compelled to speak up about this ad. If any individual reads this and still believes that it is okay to attack a man all I ask is that you envision two scenarios:

First, imagine if all the genders in that ad were reversed. The cheater would be a woman attempting to pick up men behind her husbands back. Those doing the attacking would be men slapping the woman. It would end with her face swollen and bloodied. Would you consider this ad socially acceptable, and if not how do you justify a double standard?

Second, imagine if this ad had gone differently with a man who was not prone to non-violence. Imagine that, when he's physically assaulted, he decides to grab the woman by her hair and slam her face into the wall. Because that's basically what could happen depending on the individual. Sending out a message that this behavior is okay, encourages it to take place, and places women who engage in it in danger.

Finally, I'll end with directing everyone to a study conducted by the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, which was published in the Journal of Public Health, and reported by the American Psychiatric Association. It can be found http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/content/42/15/31.2.full">here. It discusses (using statistics) what I've talked about here in this post.

I hope I avoided something that sounded like a rant. My goal is to draw attention to this matter, and help people who might either be suffering in an abusive relationship or individuals who might (without realizing it) harbor cultural thoughts that contribute to the problem.

[TexasObserver]

1. Yes, it does. It clearly encourages such violence.

The proper response to any proposal a man might make to a woman is to reply with words, or by departure. Hitting is never appropriate. This commercial implicitly encourages and condones slapping.

[Meldread]

2. Absolutely.

"Hitting is never appropriate."

Absolutely.

[LoZoccolo]

3. !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuhOj2dQTrk

[Luminous Animal]

4. No, many women opt to fight back, again using weapons to compensate for their difference in strength

That is called self defense. Not abuse. When a woman (or man) fights back against an abuser that is not abuse. But the justice system allows for differentiation of physical capabilities. For instance, when my abusive ex-husband pushed me up the stairs (yes up - so I lost my footing and I fell and slammed my face on the stairs) and I turned around, in reflex, and connected my purse on his head and then he chased me into the apartment and punched me in the face, and I kicked him in the balls in defense and then he cornered me and kicked the fucking shit out of me. Who is the abuser? If you were attacked on the street and fought back, would you characterize yourself as an attacker?

Without a doubt, there are women who physically abuse their partners, male or female. But I would never characterize the abused partner who fights back (male or female) as the abuser. They are the defender. And they have the right to inflict damage on their abuser to the point of escape to safety. In San Francisco (thanks to the Womens' Commission on Domestic Violence), there is a distinction made from the initiator and the defender with no distinction to gender.

Otherwise, I agree that the ad endorses abuse.

[Meldread]

5. I wasn't trying to say self-defense was wrong.

I absolutely endorse self-defense. Although, I think I may not have been clear due to the following reasons.

First, I was trying to carefully walk the line by not trying to seem provocative. If I had said it was alright for a man to defend himself (physically) against a woman who was abusing him, that would have opened a can of worms that would have distracted from the point I was trying to make.

Second, I was thinking about my own personal experience with the individuals I mentioned. In the situation where both the male and female were abusing each other - it really was abuse on both sides. Sometimes one would start the physical confrontation, and other times the other would start it. In the end, though, they were both abusive of each other - so that colored my words slightly.

Third, I was trying to counter the sexist myth that women are "weak" and therefore it makes it alright for them to attack men because they are "strong". I wanted to make it clear that women aren't stupid, and if necessary and possible will use weapons to counter any difference in natural strength.

Fourth, I wanted to draw attention to a point that many men in domestic violence issues (where the woman is the abuser) are willing to endure it because they're afraid to fight back. They're afraid to seek help because of how society, their friends, and their family will judge them. They're also afraid to fight back, fearing that if they actually hurt the woman that by virtue of our culture / society, he'd likely receive more blame or even be considered the main villain. The fact of the matter is, we've grown culturally sensitive toward abuse of women. That's a good thing. Yet, at the same time abuse of men by women remains - at least in part - socially acceptable, and this ad is clear evidence of it.

My advice to people in a relationship where domestic violence is involved: get the hell out, now. Fight back if necessary if you must do so in order to escape to safety, but no more than is necessary. That could only cause things to escalate and become worse. If you can remove yourself from the situation without violence, that's even better. Get the hell away from the abuser, and report them to the police. Contact trusted friends and family and let them know what is going on, and ask for help. Any friends or family worth their salt would do what they can to help you. Even if someone hits you once, they aren't worth it - the moment they strike you, it's over. Period. No, "Sorry, I'll change." No, "Sorry, I was drunk and it won't happen again." No, "We can work this out." No, "I'll get professional help if you stay with me." No, no, no. Even if they're 100% sincere, if it happens once, it can happen again. No one should have to be in a relationship like that, ever. Sometimes people do things they just can't take back, and in my opinion, this is one of them.

I'm sorry that you had to endure an abusive boyfriend, Luminous Animal. However, I am glad to see that you're okay and you made it out safely. :hug:

[Meldread]

6. Sad and cowardly.

People have been unrecommending this thread, but hasn't come forward to express their opinion.

I'd like to find out what was so objectionable about my OP. Attempting to have an honest discussion about domestic abuse here on DU, or because I decided to back it up with facts reported by the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, which was published in the Journal of Public Health, and reported by the American Psychiatric Association? Or maybe the OP was too long for some people to read, and I should learn to keep all my thoughts under 140 characters or less? :eyes:

[Pathwalker]

7. "Half of all abuse cases both partners are abusing each other."

That's what your OP says. I don't believe that. As a woman who horribly abused by my ex-husband, I didn't fight back for years. Until the day he tried to kill me by strangling me, and I fought back. When I finally left him, he tried to kill me again, and I fought back, and chased him out of the house - to the cheers of my neighbors! Over the years, many women have come to me for advice, and it's always been the same - GET OUT! But, in all those years, I've only known ONE man who was the victim! Where did you get that statistic?

On edit: I don't watch commercials, since they're trying to sell something.

[Meldread]

8. The statistic came from here:

I linked to it in my OP. It is http://pn.psychiatryonline.org/content/42/15/31.2.full">a report by the American Psychiatric Association, based upon a study conducted by the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, which was also published in the Journal of Public Health.

My statement was based upon that report and study, as well as personal experience. Personal experience can be a limiting factor, of course, which is why I also linked to the report.

To quote directly:

----

Furthermore, Whitaker discovered, of the 24 percent of relationships that had been violent, half had been reciprocal and half had not. Although more men than women (53 percent versus 49 percent) had experienced nonreciprocal violent relationships, more women than men (52 percent versus 47 percent) had taken part in ones involving reciprocal violence.

Regarding perpetration of violence, more women than men (25 percent versus 11 percent) were responsible. In fact, 71 percent of the instigators in nonreciprocal partner violence were women. This finding surprised Whitaker and his colleagues, they admitted in their study report.

As for physical injury due to intimate partner violence, it was more likely to occur when the violence was reciprocal than nonreciprocal. And while injury was more likely when violence was perpetrated by men, in relationships with reciprocal violence it was the men who were injured more often (25 percent of the time) than were women (20 percent of the time). “This is important as violence perpetrated by women is often seen as not serious,” Whitaker and his group stressed.

Of the study's numerous findings, Whitaker said, “I think the most important is that a great deal of interpersonal violence is reciprocally perpetrated and that when it is reciprocally perpetrated, it is much more likely to result in injury than when perpetrated by only one partner.”

----

The whole section there is the relevant part.

As for the commercial, they aren't trying to sell anything so much as lure people in to be recruited into the Church of Scientology. We're also in agreement when it comes to advice to people in such relationships - GET OUT! See http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x8799760#8800146">my post in #5.

Finally, I'm sorry you were in such a relationship. I'm glad you got out. :hug:

[Pathwalker]

9. Wow. That's a very recent study, of people 18-28 yrs. old.

Since that's a younger generation than mine, all I can say is - times have changed! Something has changed, because it didn't use to be that way. I wonder why that is? Hm.... you've definitely got me thinking... Thanks. :hi:

[Meldread]

10. That was my hope: To get people to think!

I'm in the age range of the study - I turn 28 years old at the end of the month. My experience is limited, but from that I can definitely say it aligns with the findings of the study.

I'm not sure if things have changed, or merely that it was something that took place that people just didn't consider. After all, even today most people still don't even think about it. I know I wouldn't think about it if it were not for my own experiences with things that took place in my friends relationships. I think part of the reason I feel so passionate on the issue is guilt - I don't think I spoke up enough, or did enough to intervene when I noticed it going on with those around me. I tried to help, but that help was refused and turned away. So, I guess in a way I'm trying to make up for that by bringing it to people's attention - so it can be discussed.

To just take a guess as to why things might have "changed" (assuming that they have) - it's because women feel more empowered. In the past, women were forced to endure abuse. If they reported it, they were often looked down upon and shamed. Thankfully, that changed. Today, the stigma for women being abused has dramatically been diminished, and this is an awesome and good thing.

However, there is still stigma for men to step forward. In our culture men are supposed to be "strong." One of the greatest insults to a mans masculinity is admitting that he was abused, period. It's one of the reasons I think pedophiles target male children - not only is there a stigma confiding that you've been abused, there is also a stigma around being gay. A double whammy. The reverse stereotype for women is that they're "weaker" than men. Thus, if a man is abused by a woman, not only does he have to admit that he's been abused, but he's also effectively admitting that he's "weaker than" a woman.

To use the example from my own experience - a female was abusing one of my male friends. She did so in the open, in front of all of us. He was a good guy, sweet, quiet and a bit shy. She used a combination of psychological and physical abuse. He attempted to play most of it off as a "joke" and when she'd do something like hit him or even once (that I witnessed) burn him with cigarettes claim that it "didn't really hurt." If he flinched or attempted to get her to stop, she'd call him a "pussy" and a "wimp." She'd attempt to flirt with other guys right in front of him, sometimes even putting him down right to his face. If anyone said anything to her, she'd claim that it was "just a joke" and that he "liked her fucked up sense of humor" - then he'd back her up. Most of those in that circle would laugh about it because it was a "joke" - but I could tell that he didn't like being treated that way. No one in their right mind would. I could tell toward the end of their relationship that he was getting seriously depressed, and I was soooo happy when she dumped him. I just pity the poor sucker who she ended up dating after.

Anytime the subject was broached with him, he'd play it off or change the topic. He'd defend her by saying, "She just has a fucked up sense of humor. Don't take her too seriously. She's really nice when we're alone." However, maybe it's just me, but somehow I never found watching a girlfriend kick her boyfriend in the balls, burn him with cigarettes, hit him with clenched fists, and insult him in front of his friends - that's just not funny. It's cruel and abusive.

Unfortunately, I think stuff like this goes on a lot, and too many people (again from my own experiences - but also evidenced by this ad) find it perfectly okay.

I felt it was important to draw attention to this particular ad because of the message it is sending. In the ad, a man who is cheating is assaulted by women repeatedly. At the end, his face is swollen, bruised and bloody. The unintentional message the ad is sending is this: It's okay for a woman to physically assault a man if they believe he deserves it. This is wrong, not only for moral reasons, but because that message is dangerous to women. As the research showed roughly 50% of all domestic abuse is reciprocal. That means if a woman slaps a man, or kicks him in the balls (something that our society as a whole seems to think is perfectly acceptable), then there is a good chance the man will retaliate. That could lead to an escalation of violence where one or both individuals are seriously injured.

Thus, the responsible message to send is one of equality: Abuse is wrong. No one - male or female - should ever raise a hand to their partner, ever. This is abuse, it isn't a joke, it isn't funny, it's something that should be taken seriously. All responsible individuals should condemn it whenever they encounter it.

[Pathwalker]

11. Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies,

This subject is very important to me, and I can see that it is to you too. Your last paragraph says it all, for me. Abuse is wrong, no matter who's doing it, it isn't funny. I'm glad your friend was able to get free from his abuser. I'm afraid that if I ever witnessed something like that today I would intervene. I did with the one woman who abused her husband - we had once been close friends, but when I saw what she was doing, I told her what I thought. She had broken her hand by slamming it into a wooden cupboard when he ducked from her trying smash him in the face. I asked if he'd tried to hit her and she laughed, calling him a wimp who'd never do that. She wanted to have him charged, so I told her to go ahead and call the police. She did, and was arrested for domestic violence, as a result of my testimony. That was the end of our friendship.
The women of my generation were not supposed to speak out, and were told that if we were better wives then our husbands wouldn't "need to punish us". I am more glad than I can express to hear that those attitudes have changed, but equality won't be achieved until women stop abusing their mates, as well. It is wrong, no matter who abuses who. I also agree with the reasons you stated for men remaining silent about it - we need to change the attitudes that allow men to be stigmatized by any form of abuse. That is equally wrong. We still have a long way to go, don't we?
Thank you again for your thoughtful responses, you have taught me something important, and I appreciate it very much.