Reactions to the Tiger Mom book

[bluestateguy]

I have yet to read the book, but I think I will.

I did, however, read two good Time magazine articles about it yesterday. I have to say that Amy Chua's book leaves me with a lot of mixed opinions that will likely not satisfy people with strongly held pro or anti views. I will say this though, I am glad the book was written because it will activate a conversation that needs to be held.

The positive: I applaud parents who implore their kids to work hard, study hard, do their best, behave themselves and respect others. Too many parents are unable or unwilling to do that. I have always been frustrated amid all of these around-in-circles debates about public education how few people seem to want to talk about parental responsibility. The conservative approach to parental responsibility is for parents to blame the teachers, blame the unions and blame the politicians. The liberal approach to parental responsibility is to make excuse after excuse as to why parents can't be more involved in their children's education. I don't think you see any of those problems from Chua.

The negative: First, there is such a thing as overdoing it. Not accepting any grade lower than an A? Few children will go their whole school career and only get A's. And only one child can be #1 or the valedictorian. You are setting your household up for a lot of friction if you set expectations that high ALL OF THE TIME. No TV or video games? Come on now. In small doses these can actually be good things (video games can teach strategy, split second thinking and hand eye coordination) if properly regulated and managed by parents, and I for one think parents should encourage educational TV in the home as well.

Then there are elements of class privilege here that also need to be looked at. Piano lessons, violin lessons, ballet; that's all great if you as a parent can provide all of those things, but it is not an option for even a lot of middle class parents. If Chua's girls go to public schools, I suspect they are excellent functional suburban public schools, which is a big advantage that not all families will have.

[Safetykitten]

1. Tiger Mom has issues that only a health professional can deal with.

[nolabear]

2. I have to say, I have treated more than one child of a Tiger Mother.

When the mind is colonized it never develops the ability to think independently. BEST case scenario is guilt and fear and uncertainty whenever the child (in this case grown children) has any kind of independent thought. Worst is utter paralysis, often physical symptoms that are the only means of expression, and an inability to form relationships that require partnership and flexibility.

It's not black and white, either creating narcissists who can't see beyond their own needs or robots who can't even perceive them. Firm, compassionate parenting that allows for an appropriate level of freedom while never forgetting who is the parent is hard, and no one is perfect as a parent or as a child.

In countries where this kind of parenting is the norm, maybe there's a cultural structure that helps support the kids and lets them bond and find some relief, but here it only seems to create division and suspicion.

[laundry_queen]

9. I'd like to recommend your post.

I'm guessing that kids who are raised like this are only motivated extrinsically. That's how I am. My parents weren't exactly Tiger Parents, in that they didn't push me hard, but they were extremely strict and controlling and were never impressed with my straight A's. When everything you do or don't do is so tightly monitored and controlled, your ability to intrinsically motivate yourself disappears. AS you said, your ability to think independently disappears. You spend your life waiting around for someone to tell you what to do. I'm sure this book will be heavily promoted by the corporate culture in the western world, because those are just the type of people they are looking for.

[MattBaggins]

3. One small disagreement

Video games do not teach hand eye coordination.

[darkstar3]

4. Yes they do.

I was asked, during my first work study job, where I had learned to use the keyboard with one hand accurately while using the mouse to draw in a CAD program. My answer: Mechwarrior. :)

Video games DO teach hand-eye co-ordination, but I'm sure that comes with caveats and addenda.

[Dappleganger]

6. Quite true.

[LawnKorn]

11. They do teach young people how to operate our remote weapons systems

The Predator Drones are remote controlled robots firing missiles. The are remotely controlled by people at Nellis AFB in Nevada.

The video games teach our kids to kill at a distance and never feel what the victims on the far end are receiving.

[eShirl]

14. of course, it depends on the game

I can't think of anything that might have allowed me to score in the 98th percentile on a vocational test of hand eye coordination if not the video arcade games of my youth. Other than games, I was a reader; not much hand eye coordination in that.

[Dappleganger]

5. I am proud to say that I'm the anti-Tiger Mom...

and have done pretty much the opposite of everything she is doing with her children.

And am damn proud of it! :)

[H2O Man]

7. Right.

I'm a Summerhill Father. And all of my children have gotten outstanding grades, and are happy, well-adjusted people.

[Dappleganger]

8. Had to look that up...

it seems quite wonderful! My husband and I have always been strong believers in child-led learning and I'm glad that it's worked for you. We do have rules of behavior, but they are there to promote harmony and common decency in order for them to be able to realize their own true potential. Our older teens are proving that our method works well for our family (although we recognize that everyone does things differently). They are extremely productive, kind and creative individuals.

I have little doubt that yours are probably remarkable writers just like their father. :)

[H2O Man]

12. My children

are solid evidence of evolution. And I say that only slightly tongue-in-cheek. The evolution of human beings is the evolution of their consciousness -- and, as it is said, one's consciousness cannot evolve unconsciously. It can't grow to new levels by being restricted by a rigid adult's neediness -- which is the only real definition of a "tiger mom": a rigid, needy adult inflicting their pathological issues on a child.

And likewise, I am 100% confident that your husband and you are the type of parents that I have theost respect for, and that you open the paths that create solid human beings. Thank you for that!

[Prometheus Bound]

10. I thought the death threats she got were a little over the top.

[Pisces]

13. There are millions of children who had Tiger Moms that are successful

and don't need therapy. Maybe we just want to judge her and others by our American standards. People all over the world raise children differently and have loving relationships with kids that don't
know any different. Here the children can compare and or Mommy war society can judge and annihilate this woman. Her children seem no worse off than self indulgent parenting.

I would never treat my children this way, but I think a lot of mothers want justification for why they are better parents and why it should be done one way or the other. One thing she said that I agree with is that a Western mom would not devote her life to her children 24/7 academic success. Giving up on your own time to work on piano, and academic drilling is not an American woman's value system. This would mean no "me" time, no blogging, no talking on the phone to friends, no Oprah, no date nights with your husband, no sitcoms (Mad Men) etc.