Dana Loesch Rethinking Loyalties After Seeing How Much Airtime Teen Activists Getting

[geardaddy]

https://www.theonion.com/dana-loesch-rethinking-loyalties-after-seeing-how-much-1824090525

DALLAS—Contemplating how pivoting away from her hardline pro-gun stance might boost her career, National Rifle Association spokeswoman Dana Loesch was reportedly rethinking her loyalties Monday after witnessing the sheer amount of airtime teen anti-gun activists had garnered in recent weeks. “These Parkland kids are on every major broadcast and cable network, and what’s more, they’ve been on persistently for days. If I could build that kind of buzz around my name, I’d turn against guns this second,” said Loesch, marveling at prominent young activist Emma González’s 1.44 million Twitter followers before mentally drafting a statement that could convincingly frame a strong moral stance on the issue of gun control. “Man, if I could just get one killer anti-gun sound bite out there—or, hell, maybe even just something about my own worries as a mother—I’d actually make it onto some real news networks instead of just NRATV. I’d even shut my goddamned mouth for six minutes and 20 seconds if those minutes were on CBS.” At press time, Loesch was carefully reviewing each of 2018’s mass shootings to decide which of the 69 she could plausibly credit for her sudden change of heart.

[KPN]

1. Sick soul.

[ProudLib72]

2. The Onion people are no longer in the business of satire

They are now telling the future.

Believe it!

[geardaddy]

4. I know, right?!

[ProfessorGAC]

3. Nuggets Of Truth Is What Fuels The Onion.

As it's a given that Loesch is a performance artist, there is probably some probability that she would do this if the money was right.

[Nevernose]

5. She got quite a bit of airtime on Saturday

Shoot, she was playing on the same screens that Emma and David Hogg and the rest were playing on. I guess the best part of her appaearances, though, were hearing 800,000 people scream at her to go fuck herself.

Good times.

Maybe the biggest in-person laughs I’ve ever received cake after Charleron Heston’s video clip played “You can have me guns when you pry them from my cold, dead hands!”

I yelled “Okay, sounds good to me!” Hundreds laughed. I felt warm for a minute. You probably had to be there.

The good will towards me probably immediately vanished when Tomi Lahren’s clip played after that. My whole family freaked the fuck out. We’re all either UNLV graduates or students, and we take her bullshit as personal insults aimed directly at us. Our two most famous (modern-ish) graduates are her and Guy Fieri.

At least Guy doesn’t make me want to die from shame.

For the record: UNLV is an excellent school. You can get through drinking bong water (as Lahren obviously did) or you can get the equivalent of an Oxford or Stanford education. That’s true for many state schools, but I’ve found UNLV to be more true to that than most. They’ve always had arguably the best Hospitality school in the world (it’s them or Cornell), but law school is now straddling the top-tier line. Other programs/colleges are also amazing.

[ConnorMarc]

6. She's not aging well

Like...at all.

[Binkie The Clown]

7. We need a "ONION" smilie so we don't mistakenly take this crap seriously. nt