BREAKING:Michael Cohen Claims FBI Agent Ate Slice of Junior's Cheesecake From His Fridge During Raid
Well, I took a long weekend, and I come back to find shit's so fucked up that Lindsey Buckingham got kicked out of Fleetwood Mac? It's gonna be one of those days, isn't it?
(As is customary, this post is available with links at: http://showercapblog.com/breaking-michael-cohen-claims-fbi-agent-ate-slice-juniors-cheesecake-fridge-duri/)
I spend a lot of time on this lil’ ol’ blog mocking the President for being a cud-brained moron incapable of understanding anything more complex than a bendy straw and who couldn't find his own dick with a map. But let's not lose site of the fact that for all his more comical shortcomings, he's also just plain fucking evil.
SCROTUS apparently got surly when he saw a video of a drone strike where the operator made the total cuck choice to avoid murdering the target's entire family. Got that? Insufficient Slaughter of Civilians is the bug up the American President's quadruple-wide ass.
If anybody does seances, couldja conjure up Dante for a week or so? I'd really like to see what he'd come up with for this fuckstick.
Oh, and a fire broke out in Shart Tower in New York, killing one resident. The poor guy might be alive, but Don the Con didn't want to shell out for sprinklers so badly that he lobbied lawmakers so he wouldn't have to! So yeah, this guy gets to hang out in bars in the afterlife, telling the story of how he's dead because the President of the United State of America is cheap son of a bitch.
Don't worry, though, Il Douche tweeted about how rad his gaudy-ass building is, with nary a mention, not even a thought or a prayer, for the human being who died in it.
The $25 million Shart University settlement was finalized today, just another reminder that we're being governed by a cheap grifter who'd be pickpocketing tourists on the subway if he hadn't been born into money.
So, one of my pet theories is that the first time you hear about any rank-and-file GOP CongressDope in the news, it's in the context of said CongressDope behaving like a blistering jackass. Thanks to South Carolina's Ralph Norman, my hypothesis continues to hold.
Ralph pulled a gun out in a meeting with constituents, including some Moms Demand Action activists, because you always want to remind the folks you represent that you can murder them at any time, I guess. Attempted to remove all lingering doubt that he's a complete tool, Norman went on to say “I'm not going to be a Gabby Giffords."
Ralph. Bro. Absolutely zero worries on that front. Gabby Giffords is a genuine American hero. She's tougher than a two-dollar steak. You? You're just one more stunted man-child packing heat because it makes you feel like a cowboy.
Hey look, the Department of Homeland Security is compiling a database of journalists and bloggers, so they can keep tabs on “media influencers!” Now, most of you are probably think that's some terrifying 1984 shit, and you're not wrong, but me? I'm wondering if my humble blog page makes the cut. Suddenly I seem like a goddamn genius for working under a mask, don't I? Betcha wish you'd thought of that, Jake Tapper!
Blake Farenthold, who had already announced he wasn't running for re-election in the midst of his “I'm a big ol’ pajama-clad pervert” investigation, suddenly went, “Y'know what? I'm actually just gonna piss off home today if everybody's down.” We can only assume investigators finally found that notebook where Blake doodles pictures of himself getting penetrated by Care Bears.
The opening shots of the trade war with China have been fired, and the Velveeta Vulgarian wants you to know, he's putting America first! Well...one American, anyhow. His daughter. Yes, you can sleep soundly knowing that while countless Americans, from soybean farmers to auto workers are getting fucked over by this idiot messing around with economic forces he doesn't understand, Princess Ivanka's shitty made-in-China crap has been declared exempt from the tariffs!
The Marmalade Shartcannon praised the patriotism of America's farmers today, celebrating them for heroically absorbing the consequences of his bullheaded trade war. Maybe some day, he'll commission a statue of a farmer being served with foreclosure documents while the imbecile President pats himself on the back for dropping a hand grenade into the global economy.
Meanwhile, a trio of South Carolina state legislators (just GUESS which party they belong to) introduced a bill to consider secession if the dastardly gubmint dares to curtail their god-given right to own bump stocks and flamethrowers and shoulder-mounted RPGs. I say give the maniacs what they want. Let's wall off a chunk of real estate where the NRA crazies can roam free. Give ‘em their own country, their President can be Dana Loesch, or maybe Yosemite Sam.
Betsy DeVos has had about enough of these peasant teachers in Oklahoma with their sniveling demands for “non-moth-eaten textbooks” and “a living wage.” She thinks the striking teachers should “keep adult disagreements and disputes in a separate place,” possibly a some sort of Dickensian workhouse where the serfs can be forced to perform manual labor while grading What I Did Last Summer essays.
Boy, we keep finding all The Best People, don't we? Today we found out about Kevin Sabo, a career employee at Interior promoted to a fancy political post by Team Shart, who believes in every looney conspiracy from Pizzagate to CIA mind control. Oh, and he tried to murder an ex-girlfriend. Cut the brakes on her car. Anyway, your tax dollars pay his salary, NEAT!
Paul Manafort was denied bail yet again, despite offering a package that included a number of coupons for “free hugs.” Sorry, Paulie, you remain, as ever...#Manafucked.
Mark Zuckerberg submitted written testimony to congress, saying “Whoopsie! In hindsight, I probably should've considered the entirely predictable consequences of my ridiculously powerful company's reckless manner of gathering fucktons of personal data, but I didn't, MY BAD. Anyway, sorry about that whole Facilitating a Hostile Foreign Power's Extremely Successful Attack on Our Nation's Democracy thing. Pizza's on me tonight, ‘kay?”
We need a whole ‘nother news station just to cover Scott Fucking Pruitt, don't we? CNNP. We learned he's pissed millions of our taxpayer dollars away with his paranoid security demands. One of his top sidekicks, Samantha Dravis, resigned when we found out she's been collecting a fat salary even though she doesn't seem to like showing up for work.
Oh, and remember the other day with Scotty claimed he didn't know anything about the massive raises that his toadies got? Well, that turns out to be pure horseshit, and there’s an e-mail proving that it's horseshit, and his goons are bumbling around trying to figure out how keep the EPA inspector general from finding out about the e-mail and its horseshit-proving powers, but now that it's a national media story, that seems...unlikely.
Ted Nugent was removed from the board of the National Rifle Association for saying Democrats should be shot like "coyotes.” Oh wait. Only the second part of that sentence is true.
Speaking of gun nuts, Governor Rick Scott announced his campaign to challenge Bill Nelson for one of Florida's Senate seats. With the Parkland kids organizing in their home state, hopefully we can send this corrupt NRA lackey back to the private sector, but if you've got a buck to spare for Bill, let's make sure that Blue Tsunami washes Scott away with the rest of the garbage.
John McCain tore into the Bonespur Buttplug, for the way his wandering, uninformed, foreign policy emboldened Assad to carry out his latest horrific chemical weapons attack. So he's Good John today, but don't worry, give him a week and he'll do something like vote for a bill that gives corporations the right to break into your bedroom and poke holes in all your condoms, and we can go back to being mad at him.
Shart Organization lawyers hit up the motherfucking PRESIDENT OF PANAMA to try to get him to shred his country's constitution and intervene in their crazy, periodically violent, hotel dispute in Panama City. You read their letter, and you almost have to be impressed with the raw ballsiness of the blatant corruption, with its lightly veiled threats to use to the power of the U.S. government to lean on a whole fucking country if they don't get what they want.
As many smarter folks than I have said thousands of times before, ”...and they made Jimmy Carter give up his peanut farm.”
Government Cheese Goebbels finally found something he does better than Obama: blow up the deficit! Yessir, the CBO says that, thanks to the Rich People Aren't Nearly Rich Enough, Don'tcha Think? tax bill, the deficit will hit one trillion annually by 2020, but hey, think of all the extra money Bob Corker and the Koch brothers will have!
Huge congratulations go out to my Senator, Tammy Duckworth, the first serving Senator to give birth while in office! It was also John Bolton's first day on the job as Dipshit's National Security Advisor, so it's sort of an alpha and omega kind of news day.
Today's news also brought the headline, “Sinclair commentator resigns after threatening to sexually assault Parkland survivor David Hogg,*” because ours is a corrupt, fallen, world, and if there is a God, he's gonna flood this planet any fucking minute now.
Shiny new polling shows Shart Garfunkel has finally lost the support of crotchety old white people, at least the most educated ones. At this rate, his base is gonna dwindle down to James Woods and the voices in Lou Dobbs’ head by 2020.
Grumpy Prevaricator Sarah Huckabee Sanders reminded us that President Crotchvoid still “feels” like there was massive voter fraud in the 2016 election, despite his inability to provide a post-it note's worth of evidence, even with KKKris KKKobach's dedicated help.
Yes well. I still feel like my skills as an actor were under-appreciated, and I should be landing juicy character roles in collaboration with Peter Weir and Wes Anderson, but here I am writing a political poop joke blog in my pajamas, begging strangers to pay for my beer.
And juuuuuuuust when I had come down with a near-terminal case of the Mondays, the Michael Cohen news broke, and I literally laughed my ass off. I'm writing from the hospital bed, where a team of first rate surgeons are sewing my ass back on.
Yes, the Sez-Hoo Surrogate received some unwanted houseguests, don'tcha just hate that? Especially when it turns out to be the FBI raiding your home, your office, and even your hotel room?
Looks like Bodacious Bob Mueller turned over some evidence to the New York prosecutor's office (State level? RUH ROH! NO PARDON, MIKEY!) and they came a-knockin’ in search of documents relating to the Stormy Daniels payoff, possible bank fraud and campaign finance violations, and a Netflix review of BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE, which Cohen allegedly described as “The CITIZEN KANE of superhero movies.”
Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet took this news...badly. Sitting in an ever-expanding puddle of his own sweat and urine, he rambled in barely-concealed terror about witch hunts and disgraces, referring to a raid ordered by a Sessions appointee and conducted with a warrant issued by a federal judge as a "break-in,” and declared it “an attack on our country,” and “an attack on what we all stand for,” because we all know the Declaration of Independence was mostly about spoiled rich boys trying to pay off porn stars to cover up illicit affairs.
(Just to put a maraschino cherry on top, the Failing New York Times also reports Mueller is investigating a $150,000 payment a Ukrainian steel tycoon paid into the Gaudy Paintings of Myself Fund, excuse me, the “Trump Foundation,” for a 20-minute appearance...during the fucking campaign. Everyone who was ranting about the Clinton Foundation during the election is equally upset about this story, right? RIGHT?)
So yeah, another batshit crazy day, folks. Gotta be honest, though...it's the Fleetwood Mac news that hit me hardest. Tell me why/everything turned around!
*Yes, they changed the headline after I wrote that. Dick move, Wapo!
= new reply since forum marked as read
stop, TheFerret’s probably already deleted seven drafts by now, STAHHPP!!
shit be CRAY, monsieur!!! 
I think all of your blog posts have gone there. That HAS to be some kind of record.
Anyhoo.......GREAT rant, as usual. Full of wonderful names for tRump! And the rest of the band of motleys.
Thank You.
As usual,
TheFerret entertains and educates LIKE A BOSS
THANK YOU, SIR!!!
