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My palace is bigger than yours: An (imagined) transcript of Trump's tea time chat with the Queen
(Yes, Donald, we know this is fake news)
The scene: We find ourselves in the drawing room at Windsor Castle. It is tea time, and the best silverware acquired by the Prince Regent has been deployed, along with the extensive Wedgewood china set given to King George V and Queen Mary, after the old girl dropped a heavy hint at a factory visit to Stoke-on-Trent in 1927...
In attendance: HM the Queen; the Duke of Edinburgh; President Trump; Mrs Melania Trump; Sir Martin Chatterbox, the keeper of the Queen's tupperware; Lord Wensleydale, the page to the toasties; Lady Matilda bake-off, Her Majesty’s jammy dodger pursuivant; the gentlemen ushers of the battenberg cake.
At the last minute, the Prince of Wales has been called away to an ecological emergency in the greenhouse at Highgrove, and is thus unable to lobby the president about the Paris Climate Accord.
The Queen: Ah, Mr Trump, how lovely to see you. How did you enjoy Blenheim yesterday evening?
President Trump: Very much, ma’am. It’s a beautiful, beautiful palace. Well I guess you’d call it a palace… it’s a little small for me, you know. I mean the Trump tower, now that’s a palace, a vertical palace. Blenheim is beautiful, but kinda old. No lifts. No air con. No Coke machine. Everything in England just seems so damn old.
The Queen: Yes, but of course being old isn’t always a disadvantage in life. It was built in the 18th century…
President Trump: I know, I know, the real estate market was way different back then. Very, very different. No planning rules. They were good times in the market.
The Queen: Yes they were. My first prime minister, Winston Churchill, was born there, as you’ll have seen.
President Trump: He was a great leader, a great, great leader, winning that war against Napoleon. Say, whatever happened to Mr Churchill after the war?
The Queen: Well, Sir Winston lost the election to the Labour Party, who started the NHS, and then he came back and accepted everything that the Labour government had done, including immigration from the West Indies and nationalising our great utilities, and the Americans let us have all their nuclear secrets and set up Nato.
President Trump: Great guy, great guy.
The Queen: How do you like your tea, Mr Trump?
President Trump: Strong, strong and stable. It’s American tea, right?
The Queen: Oh yes, I believe so – though not from Boston. The tea caddy was a gift from the people of Sri Lanka. Sir Martin will bring the sandwiches now. The cook has had some made up especially with New York pastrami, and there’s a choice of bagels… and we’ve prepared these old Rhode Island chlorinated chicken salad sub rolls… They had to come over in the diplomatic bag because the EU doesn’t approve, as you know.
President Trump: Delicious, ma’am. Delicious. Really, really delicious. And you know this is all great American food. And American food is just the best in the world. I told Emmanuel Macron that, and you know what? He agreed! ‘Oui, mon ami, Donald!’ What a guy. You ever met him?
The Queen: Well, yes, he seems like quite an ambitious chap. We hope to see each other again soon, and we also hope to see more American food in the larder here, once the trade deal has been signed. Don’t we, Philip?
The scene: We find ourselves in the drawing room at Windsor Castle. It is tea time, and the best silverware acquired by the Prince Regent has been deployed, along with the extensive Wedgewood china set given to King George V and Queen Mary, after the old girl dropped a heavy hint at a factory visit to Stoke-on-Trent in 1927...
In attendance: HM the Queen; the Duke of Edinburgh; President Trump; Mrs Melania Trump; Sir Martin Chatterbox, the keeper of the Queen's tupperware; Lord Wensleydale, the page to the toasties; Lady Matilda bake-off, Her Majesty’s jammy dodger pursuivant; the gentlemen ushers of the battenberg cake.
At the last minute, the Prince of Wales has been called away to an ecological emergency in the greenhouse at Highgrove, and is thus unable to lobby the president about the Paris Climate Accord.
The Queen: Ah, Mr Trump, how lovely to see you. How did you enjoy Blenheim yesterday evening?
President Trump: Very much, ma’am. It’s a beautiful, beautiful palace. Well I guess you’d call it a palace… it’s a little small for me, you know. I mean the Trump tower, now that’s a palace, a vertical palace. Blenheim is beautiful, but kinda old. No lifts. No air con. No Coke machine. Everything in England just seems so damn old.
The Queen: Yes, but of course being old isn’t always a disadvantage in life. It was built in the 18th century…
President Trump: I know, I know, the real estate market was way different back then. Very, very different. No planning rules. They were good times in the market.
The Queen: Yes they were. My first prime minister, Winston Churchill, was born there, as you’ll have seen.
President Trump: He was a great leader, a great, great leader, winning that war against Napoleon. Say, whatever happened to Mr Churchill after the war?
The Queen: Well, Sir Winston lost the election to the Labour Party, who started the NHS, and then he came back and accepted everything that the Labour government had done, including immigration from the West Indies and nationalising our great utilities, and the Americans let us have all their nuclear secrets and set up Nato.
President Trump: Great guy, great guy.
The Queen: How do you like your tea, Mr Trump?
President Trump: Strong, strong and stable. It’s American tea, right?
The Queen: Oh yes, I believe so – though not from Boston. The tea caddy was a gift from the people of Sri Lanka. Sir Martin will bring the sandwiches now. The cook has had some made up especially with New York pastrami, and there’s a choice of bagels… and we’ve prepared these old Rhode Island chlorinated chicken salad sub rolls… They had to come over in the diplomatic bag because the EU doesn’t approve, as you know.
President Trump: Delicious, ma’am. Delicious. Really, really delicious. And you know this is all great American food. And American food is just the best in the world. I told Emmanuel Macron that, and you know what? He agreed! ‘Oui, mon ami, Donald!’ What a guy. You ever met him?
The Queen: Well, yes, he seems like quite an ambitious chap. We hope to see each other again soon, and we also hope to see more American food in the larder here, once the trade deal has been signed. Don’t we, Philip?
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/donald-trump-queen-elizabeth-meet-royals-prince-philip-us-president-a8445786.html
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