Pentagon Officials Listen In Silence As Mike Pence Details Plans For Angel-Guided Weapons System

[Zorro]

WASHINGTON—Feigning polite interest throughout the 90-minute meeting, Pentagon officials from all five branches of the armed forces listened in silence Thursday as Mike Pence presented his detailed plans for a state-of-the-art angel-guided weapons system.

“Though we are grateful for the vice president’s interest in national defense, the prospect of using seraphim-targeted bombs and heretic-seeking missiles to protect America from hostile sinners is not feasible, nor indeed useful, at this time,” said Secretary of Defense James Mattis, graciously thanking Pence for his hand-drawn schematics of a proposed Holy Ghost cloaking device that would allow planes to fly undetected above the homes of prostitutes and thieves.

“Obviously, we cannot plan our defense against North Korea around the face of God appearing before Kim Jong-un and turning him into a pillar of salt, but it’s not like I can tell the vice president of the United States to stop talking. Luckily, he wound down after explaining how the Gabriel’s Trumpet Alert System worked, which is just as well, because apparently the idea behind it is that we would just all ascend bodily into Heaven, which in many ways contradicts our current strategic goals.”

The National Guard, however, may consider Pence’s contingency plans for non-lethal counters to possible civil unrest, saying the idea of a crowd-dispersing holy water cannon is “not completely without merit.”

https://politics.theonion.com/pentagon-officials-listen-in-silence-as-mike-pence-deta-1828231250

[smirkymonkey]

1. LOL!

I knew this would be The Onion, but honestly, it would not surprise me one bit if it was true.

[gratuitous]

2. Did Pence do his Sodom Sensor and Gomorrah Gauge thing, too?

That's always a big hit with Mother.

[Ilsa]

3. Best laugh all day! l think the

Rocket Pence drew needs to look more like a penis. Like he can't help himself.

[FSogol]

4. Apparently "we would just all ascend bodily into Heaven, which in many ways contradicts our current

strategic goals.”

[Thomas Hurt]

5. How many angelic warheads can dance on the head of a pin...

[cstanleytech]

9. What kind pin? Grenade, bowling, bobby, safety or fountain?

[Anon-C]

6. Loll!

Angel-Guided!

[lindysalsagal]

7. "in many ways contradicts our current strategic goals." "

[Amaryllis]

8. WHen Obama was pres, we didn't have to check the source to know if something was satire or not.

[rurallib]

10. man did I need a laugh tonight

I mean this isn't true is it?

[Marie Marie]

11. Every time Trump lies,

a state-of-the-art angel guided weapons system gets it wings. We're gonna need a lot of missiles.

[Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin]

12. K&R