If Donald Trump gave the eulogy at McCain's funeral.
Hello. Thank you everyone. It is great to be here. Your favorite Republican president is giving today's eulogy. It is an honor for the Mc Cain family, I am certain. I mean, who wouldn't want me giving their eulogy? Look how great the economy is doing. I mean, don't listen to the fake media about anything. McCain and I had a great relationship, because I am such a forgiving and friendly guy.
About McCain. Let me start by telling you about his last primary. He came to me on his hands-and-knees begging me to endorse him. I told him, I said, "John, I don't know. I think your opponent is a better person and would make a better senator than you." But, he begged and pleaded with me to do him this favor. I could have said, no. But, I didn't. I said, "Okay, I'll endorse you." And you know what, like every candidate not from Alabama that I have endorsed, he won. Yes, he won, thanks to me. And how did he show his appreciation? He didn't. He voted to keep that horrible Obamacare. He even did the thumbs down as he did it. I was shocked! Shocked! That he had betrayed me, after all I did for him. Sad. Very sad.
There was also the time that I said something off the cuff about heroes. You know, I like heroes who weren't captured. Later I said he was a hero. But, he still held a grudge. Not me though. No sir. I got over it. It's just sad he couldn't move on.
I see crooked Hillary, Bill and the Obamas are here. Not sure why. I mean, what could they possibly add to this momentous occasion? Yes, it is sad and terrible that McCain kicked off, but I am here to give the eulogy. So, it's good. Am I right? Am I right? I remember the night that I won the presidency. Crooked Hillary lost and I know it had to be soooooooooooooo hard on her. But, the country is soooooooooooo much better off now with me as president.
I can see the looks of anger on the faces of the McCain family. I better stop talking about crooked Hillary. And who really wants to hear anything about the Obamas? Am I right? Am I right? (aside to an aid) "Why aren't the McCains nodding to agree with me?
There is just so much winning go on, I can hardly keep up. But, you know the lyin' media. They refuse to focus on the real crimes, the real collusion. They don't talk about how great I am doing as president. How great this country is doing. We're respected again around the world. But, I'm sure they won't write anything about how sensitive and inspirational this eulogy is. About how I mentioned the time McCain asked for my endorsement and I generously gave it.
This is the greatest eulogy in history ladies and gentlemen. I know if McCain could, he'd rise from the casket, give me a standing ovation and apologize for betraying me.
Thank You
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A grateful nation has good reason to thank John McCain for dis-inviting Trump to his funeral. He's enough of a national embarrassment as it is without hearing him insult a war hero, let alone the bereaved. 
