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boston bean

(36,186 posts)
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 09:03 PM Sep 2018

Why a woman keeps sexual assault a secret.

You just have to know what it does to someone.

In my case, although I know intellectually nothing was my fault, it was a shameful and embarassing and I never ever wanted to discuss it. Have people know. Know something like that so personal.

I went over 40 years before I ever told a soul and had been married to my husband for over 24 years before I divulged.

I regret ever speaking of it. Not because anyone was mean or it changed anything. But it was just so damned personal and in my own mind have felt shame about it. Disgust about it. It is just gross and to think it happened to me just really makes me sick.

Now, I don’t think my life was worse for not speaking of it. It was a coping mechanism and it worked for me. So anytime I hear why didn’t she say something, I say go to fucking hell in a handbasket.

No one owes anyone their story. It is personal choice.

Yes I can understand why one should report but in the environment of basically my entire life women had no recourse. Children even less. They are made to be the liars. But even more so in my case it was just that I couldn‘t bear to think of it never mind speak of it.

33 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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Why a woman keeps sexual assault a secret. (Original Post) boston bean Sep 2018 OP
Sally Field samplegirl Sep 2018 #1
Is it similar to my feelings? boston bean Sep 2018 #10
And a 15 year old CHILD is probably afraid her parents will blame her pnwmom Sep 2018 #2
Was she 15?? Damn I thought she was 17 like him. boston bean Sep 2018 #3
Nope, two years younger. n/t pnwmom Sep 2018 #5
At any age that woukd be traumatic but fifteen!! Even more so. boston bean Sep 2018 #7
She said she was a sophomore -- but this was summer so she'd probably just finished 9th grade. pnwmom Sep 2018 #8
It is good to hear your view. It helps me understand better. LiberalFighter Sep 2018 #4
Yeah. I just didn't want anyone to know that about me. boston bean Sep 2018 #9
I'm a male... LiberalFighter Sep 2018 #13
Back then Ohiogal Sep 2018 #6
Every bit of what you wrote is the honest to gods truth. boston bean Sep 2018 #11
Or they tell you that you're lying. Haggis for Breakfast Sep 2018 #12
Or you blame yourself Greywing Sep 2018 #15
No, we NEVER have the luxury of forgetting. Haggis for Breakfast Sep 2018 #23
And when you get yourself in a bad situation? LiberalFighter Sep 2018 #14
In my wife's case she kept it secret for 20 years flamin lib Sep 2018 #16
Think about the implications of that statement. Ms. Toad Sep 2018 #24
Yeah. I have thought about it. Not really proud of it. flamin lib Sep 2018 #25
Not trying to paint you with any particular brush - Ms. Toad Sep 2018 #27
I kept my story from a partner wth said if I got raped he'd end up in jail after killing the man uppityperson Sep 2018 #28
I get it. MoonchildCA Sep 2018 #17
I had lots of dating experiences like yours too. I don't think a lot of people realize raccoon Sep 2018 #31
I'm sorry it happened to you Demonaut Sep 2018 #18
Best wishes to you, bb. My husband of 20+ yrs recently discovered that not uppityperson Sep 2018 #19
Every day of trump especially him in 2016 put me in a really bad place you could not escape it. boston bean Sep 2018 #20
I think it's brought out a lot of stories. uppityperson Sep 2018 #26
I was date raped when I was 17. I am way over it, but... Lisa0825 Sep 2018 #21
You would not believe the number of "good" husbands leftyladyfrommo Sep 2018 #22
Yes, I would believe it. I can relate a lot to your post. raccoon Sep 2018 #32
Deepest sympathy that this happened to you GeoWilliam750 Sep 2018 #29
I didn't think anyone would believe me. This was many years ago and attitudes have shifted. CTyankee Sep 2018 #30
I think a lot of men are so used to using horrible, disgusting language when Doitnow Sep 2018 #33

pnwmom

(108,925 posts)
2. And a 15 year old CHILD is probably afraid her parents will blame her
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 09:10 PM
Sep 2018

for going to a house without parents around, for having a beer, etc.

boston bean

(36,186 posts)
7. At any age that woukd be traumatic but fifteen!! Even more so.
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 09:17 PM
Sep 2018

There is no being able to process. Never mind having her parents know.

LiberalFighter

(50,504 posts)
4. It is good to hear your view. It helps me understand better.
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 09:14 PM
Sep 2018

I think if I was a woman I would find it difficult to say anything about it. There would be so many derogatory things others would say or think. And it would not be the same relationship with others.

boston bean

(36,186 posts)
9. Yeah. I just didn't want anyone to know that about me.
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 09:22 PM
Sep 2018

And the mindfuck to this very day when I think about it. Puts me in a funk.

LiberalFighter

(50,504 posts)
13. I'm a male...
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 09:30 PM
Sep 2018

and I think there are little things that may or may not be consequential to others but I may feel embarrassed. Stereotypes involving a sexual nature especially when it is against one's will is much bigger. And there are certain "standards" that people in general have a view. Even if it was performed against their will. Smaller communities can make it even more difficult or a higher profile could do that too.

Of course, certain people don't consider that. Generally, I believe men from a certain era, maybe most men. But even women have those stereotypes so that makes it more difficult.

Ohiogal

(31,660 posts)
6. Back then
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 09:15 PM
Sep 2018

And now....

Especially if you are a child....

Either adults don't believe you and accuse you of making it all up because you want "attention" ( who would want THAT kind of attention?)

Yell at you for ruining someone's life ( a priest, perhaps)

Accuse you of being a temptress (a 12 year old girl???)

Accuse you of being stupid, showing bad judgement by "getting yourself in a bad situation"

Treat you as dirty or shaming your family

I know because I was assaulted at the age of 12 and although not all of the above applied to me, some of it does.

And old repulsive and dismissive turds like Orrin Hatch deserve a big Fuck You Go to Hell.

Haggis for Breakfast

(6,831 posts)
12. Or they tell you that you're lying.
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 09:29 PM
Sep 2018

Or the abuser is someone in a position of authority in your own family.

Or the abuser says they will "kill you," and because you are a child, you believe that they will. As an adult, you know better.

Or the abuser's wife tell you that you are going to ruin her life, and she is dear to you.

Or you fear that if certain people in your own family find out, they will commit a crime (against the abuser), and you remain silent because you don't want that person to go to prison.

So you deny yourself the right to tell the truth, keeping your shame to yourself (for decades), doing everything you can to make sure that you never - in an unguarded moment - accidentally say something that will give you away.

Then decades later, you churn and burn over what you have kept inside for so long, arguing with yourself if you should finally go public with what you have kept in the dark recesses of your soul for so long.

Greywing

(1,124 posts)
15. Or you blame yourself
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 09:37 PM
Sep 2018

You must have done "something" that caused the behavior

Or you just want to get away and try to never think about it again but it actually stays there in the background of your mind forever and actually does color your life.

We never forget ...

LiberalFighter

(50,504 posts)
14. And when you get yourself in a bad situation?
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 09:32 PM
Sep 2018

What do they say about the person that did it?

Boys will be boys.

You can't say it is bad for one person but okay for the other person.

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
24. Think about the implications of that statement.
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 10:26 PM
Sep 2018

Not only are women the victims of men's sexual aggression - they often feel compelled to keep that aggression a secret from the men they are closest to out of fear of their reaction (either blame - or (often possessory) anger.

flamin lib

(14,559 posts)
25. Yeah. I have thought about it. Not really proud of it.
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 10:43 PM
Sep 2018

Just giving another perspective on why there's silence.

From my perspective what to do? He's a doctor, a pillar of the community. Let him skate? Just shrug it off? Be part of the community that enabled his behaviour?

Only now, 50 years later, are we grudgingly recognizing that such things happen and need to be dealt with as a societal problem.

I know in my heart he went on to repeat his behaviour. I also know that had I known at the time he would not have.

So yeah paint me with that brush if you want to but know that you're painting all the victims as helpless enablers when you do.

Ms. Toad

(33,915 posts)
27. Not trying to paint you with any particular brush -
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 10:53 PM
Sep 2018

Just pointing out something that many (perhaps most) men do not recognize about the kind of responses they make when a woman they love has been sexually asaulted (or the kind of posturing they do when others are assaulted that makes their loved ones fear that reactionwhen they are assaulted) - and how the anticipated macho-man or blaming response drives women further into silence - and increases the burden they already carry after an assault.


I have no idea where you're getting victims as helpless enablers from. It is completely unrelated to anything I said.

uppityperson

(115,674 posts)
28. I kept my story from a partner wth said if I got raped he'd end up in jail after killing the man
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 10:55 PM
Sep 2018

I am neither a "victim" or a "helpless enabler". I am a survivor who feared men's reactions to the crime a man perpetuated on me.

You are wrong in thinking your only choices are "let him skate, be part of the community that enabled his behavior" or kill him. You are painting the survivor as a helpless victim that somehow was helped by your going to prison as a murderer.

MoonchildCA

(1,301 posts)
17. I get it.
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 09:55 PM
Sep 2018

I had a great uncle “feel me up” when I was 13. I was a late bloomer and barely developing. It was the mid 70s, and I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t even know what to think of it myself. I just didn’t want to talk about it. I’m sure my parents would have believed me. In fact, I finally told my mom about 25 or 30 years later. He was the “fun” uncle. He would always let the young kids drive on country roads, and he always took us camping. My incident happened while camping. I’m sure I was not the only one, because my cousins warned me not to go swimming when he was in the water, or if I did, stay far away from him.

When I was 21, I woke up in the middle of the night with a friend who was supposedly in love with me, naked in my bed, trying to take advantage of me. It took me at least 10 minutes of fighting him off to convince him No! It was not what I wanted! He was drunk and egged on by a mutual “friend,” that if he really wanted me, he had to go in there and prove to me that I wanted it too. I just didn’t know it yet...

That same mutual “friend” who happened to be —at least it was claimed at the time— common-law married to my best friend, tried to force himself on me, and only relented, after multiple “no’s” and “get-off-of-me’s.” Then he claimed, he was just testing me, and I passed. Special, huh? I was Sandy’s only true friend, because I wouldn’t sleep with her husband.

I’ve also had a few dates long ago, in the early 80s, where it was very difficult to convince guys I did NOT want to sleep with them.

This is so much more common than people think. I’m sure most women have experienced unwanted situations. And yes, most times we do not want to talk about them. Back in the day, it was pretty much par for the course. I do have to add though, the majority of guys were not like this, but the ratio was high enough—even for someone like me that has only had a bit more than a handful of relationships.

Whew! That was long... and therapeutic.

raccoon

(31,091 posts)
31. I had lots of dating experiences like yours too. I don't think a lot of people realize
Tue Sep 18, 2018, 06:18 PM
Sep 2018

I had lots of shitty dating experiences like yours too. I don’t think a lot of people realize how many men are so sexually aggressive and you have to fight them off.

uppityperson

(115,674 posts)
19. Best wishes to you, bb. My husband of 20+ yrs recently discovered that not
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 10:00 PM
Sep 2018

3 of his partners had been sexually assaulted but 4 of us. He looked at me blankly when I corrected his number. He didn't understand why I hadn't told him, why I didn't talk about it often. Or at all.

Yes, it has affected my for over 40 yrs. Why not talk about it until recently? You understand.

boston bean

(36,186 posts)
20. Every day of trump especially him in 2016 put me in a really bad place you could not escape it.
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 10:09 PM
Sep 2018

That election loss was like another assault but by 40% of the country.

Lisa0825

(14,487 posts)
21. I was date raped when I was 17. I am way over it, but...
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 10:10 PM
Sep 2018

if that guy turned out to be some prominent public or governmental figure, I don't think I would come forward, because I wouldn't want to deal with the death threats and harassment from those on his side.

leftyladyfrommo

(18,816 posts)
22. You would not believe the number of "good" husbands
Mon Sep 17, 2018, 10:12 PM
Sep 2018

that showed up at my door over the years. I didn't lead them on. And I didn't sleep with them.

I am embarrassed to say it but it took me 70 years to realize that I don't understand men at all.

It is hard to keep yourself safe when you really don't grasp the danger.

raccoon

(31,091 posts)
32. Yes, I would believe it. I can relate a lot to your post.
Tue Sep 18, 2018, 06:24 PM
Sep 2018

Yes, I would believe it. I can relate a lot to your post.Most of my adult life I have lived as a woman alone. My deceased mother said that a woman living alone is a target. She was absolutely right.

CTyankee

(63,771 posts)
30. I didn't think anyone would believe me. This was many years ago and attitudes have shifted.
Tue Sep 18, 2018, 06:00 PM
Sep 2018

not enough though.

Doitnow

(1,103 posts)
33. I think a lot of men are so used to using horrible, disgusting language when
Wed Sep 19, 2018, 03:35 PM
Sep 2018

they get together to discuss sexual things. They think women do the same. Just the language they expect women to use in describing what happened would make me want to gag. Just look at how they questioned Anita Hill.

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