General Discussion
Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsWhy a woman keeps sexual assault a secret.
You just have to know what it does to someone.
In my case, although I know intellectually nothing was my fault, it was a shameful and embarassing and I never ever wanted to discuss it. Have people know. Know something like that so personal.
I went over 40 years before I ever told a soul and had been married to my husband for over 24 years before I divulged.
I regret ever speaking of it. Not because anyone was mean or it changed anything. But it was just so damned personal and in my own mind have felt shame about it. Disgust about it. It is just gross and to think it happened to me just really makes me sick.
Now, I dont think my life was worse for not speaking of it. It was a coping mechanism and it worked for me. So anytime I hear why didnt she say something, I say go to fucking hell in a handbasket.
No one owes anyone their story. It is personal choice.
Yes I can understand why one should report but in the environment of basically my entire life women had no recourse. Children even less. They are made to be the liars. But even more so in my case it was just that I couldnt bear to think of it never mind speak of it.
samplegirl
(11,415 posts)Describes this in her new book called...In pieces.
boston bean
(36,186 posts)pnwmom
(108,925 posts)for going to a house without parents around, for having a beer, etc.
boston bean
(36,186 posts)pnwmom
(108,925 posts)boston bean
(36,186 posts)There is no being able to process. Never mind having her parents know.
pnwmom
(108,925 posts)LiberalFighter
(50,504 posts)I think if I was a woman I would find it difficult to say anything about it. There would be so many derogatory things others would say or think. And it would not be the same relationship with others.
boston bean
(36,186 posts)And the mindfuck to this very day when I think about it. Puts me in a funk.
LiberalFighter
(50,504 posts)and I think there are little things that may or may not be consequential to others but I may feel embarrassed. Stereotypes involving a sexual nature especially when it is against one's will is much bigger. And there are certain "standards" that people in general have a view. Even if it was performed against their will. Smaller communities can make it even more difficult or a higher profile could do that too.
Of course, certain people don't consider that. Generally, I believe men from a certain era, maybe most men. But even women have those stereotypes so that makes it more difficult.
Ohiogal
(31,660 posts)And now....
Especially if you are a child....
Either adults don't believe you and accuse you of making it all up because you want "attention" ( who would want THAT kind of attention?)
Yell at you for ruining someone's life ( a priest, perhaps)
Accuse you of being a temptress (a 12 year old girl???)
Accuse you of being stupid, showing bad judgement by "getting yourself in a bad situation"
Treat you as dirty or shaming your family
I know because I was assaulted at the age of 12 and although not all of the above applied to me, some of it does.
And old repulsive and dismissive turds like Orrin Hatch deserve a big Fuck You Go to Hell.
boston bean
(36,186 posts)Haggis for Breakfast
(6,831 posts)Or the abuser is someone in a position of authority in your own family.
Or the abuser says they will "kill you," and because you are a child, you believe that they will. As an adult, you know better.
Or the abuser's wife tell you that you are going to ruin her life, and she is dear to you.
Or you fear that if certain people in your own family find out, they will commit a crime (against the abuser), and you remain silent because you don't want that person to go to prison.
So you deny yourself the right to tell the truth, keeping your shame to yourself (for decades), doing everything you can to make sure that you never - in an unguarded moment - accidentally say something that will give you away.
Then decades later, you churn and burn over what you have kept inside for so long, arguing with yourself if you should finally go public with what you have kept in the dark recesses of your soul for so long.
Greywing
(1,124 posts)You must have done "something" that caused the behavior
Or you just want to get away and try to never think about it again but it actually stays there in the background of your mind forever and actually does color your life.
We never forget ...
Haggis for Breakfast
(6,831 posts)LiberalFighter
(50,504 posts)What do they say about the person that did it?
Boys will be boys.
You can't say it is bad for one person but okay for the other person.
flamin lib
(14,559 posts)so I wouldn't go to jail for killing the bastard.
Ms. Toad
(33,915 posts)Not only are women the victims of men's sexual aggression - they often feel compelled to keep that aggression a secret from the men they are closest to out of fear of their reaction (either blame - or (often possessory) anger.
flamin lib
(14,559 posts)Just giving another perspective on why there's silence.
From my perspective what to do? He's a doctor, a pillar of the community. Let him skate? Just shrug it off? Be part of the community that enabled his behaviour?
Only now, 50 years later, are we grudgingly recognizing that such things happen and need to be dealt with as a societal problem.
I know in my heart he went on to repeat his behaviour. I also know that had I known at the time he would not have.
So yeah paint me with that brush if you want to but know that you're painting all the victims as helpless enablers when you do.
Ms. Toad
(33,915 posts)Just pointing out something that many (perhaps most) men do not recognize about the kind of responses they make when a woman they love has been sexually asaulted (or the kind of posturing they do when others are assaulted that makes their loved ones fear that reactionwhen they are assaulted) - and how the anticipated macho-man or blaming response drives women further into silence - and increases the burden they already carry after an assault.
I have no idea where you're getting victims as helpless enablers from. It is completely unrelated to anything I said.
uppityperson
(115,674 posts)I am neither a "victim" or a "helpless enabler". I am a survivor who feared men's reactions to the crime a man perpetuated on me.
You are wrong in thinking your only choices are "let him skate, be part of the community that enabled his behavior" or kill him. You are painting the survivor as a helpless victim that somehow was helped by your going to prison as a murderer.
MoonchildCA
(1,301 posts)I had a great uncle feel me up when I was 13. I was a late bloomer and barely developing. It was the mid 70s, and I didnt tell anyone because I didnt even know what to think of it myself. I just didnt want to talk about it. Im sure my parents would have believed me. In fact, I finally told my mom about 25 or 30 years later. He was the fun uncle. He would always let the young kids drive on country roads, and he always took us camping. My incident happened while camping. Im sure I was not the only one, because my cousins warned me not to go swimming when he was in the water, or if I did, stay far away from him.
When I was 21, I woke up in the middle of the night with a friend who was supposedly in love with me, naked in my bed, trying to take advantage of me. It took me at least 10 minutes of fighting him off to convince him No! It was not what I wanted! He was drunk and egged on by a mutual friend, that if he really wanted me, he had to go in there and prove to me that I wanted it too. I just didnt know it yet...
That same mutual friend who happened to be at least it was claimed at the time common-law married to my best friend, tried to force himself on me, and only relented, after multiple nos and get-off-of-mes. Then he claimed, he was just testing me, and I passed. Special, huh? I was Sandys only true friend, because I wouldnt sleep with her husband.
Ive also had a few dates long ago, in the early 80s, where it was very difficult to convince guys I did NOT want to sleep with them.
This is so much more common than people think. Im sure most women have experienced unwanted situations. And yes, most times we do not want to talk about them. Back in the day, it was pretty much par for the course. I do have to add though, the majority of guys were not like this, but the ratio was high enougheven for someone like me that has only had a bit more than a handful of relationships.
Whew! That was long... and therapeutic.
raccoon
(31,091 posts)I had lots of shitty dating experiences like yours too. I dont think a lot of people realize how many men are so sexually aggressive and you have to fight them off.
Demonaut
(8,909 posts)uppityperson
(115,674 posts)3 of his partners had been sexually assaulted but 4 of us. He looked at me blankly when I corrected his number. He didn't understand why I hadn't told him, why I didn't talk about it often. Or at all.
Yes, it has affected my for over 40 yrs. Why not talk about it until recently? You understand.
boston bean
(36,186 posts)That election loss was like another assault but by 40% of the country.
uppityperson
(115,674 posts)Lisa0825
(14,487 posts)if that guy turned out to be some prominent public or governmental figure, I don't think I would come forward, because I wouldn't want to deal with the death threats and harassment from those on his side.
leftyladyfrommo
(18,816 posts)that showed up at my door over the years. I didn't lead them on. And I didn't sleep with them.
I am embarrassed to say it but it took me 70 years to realize that I don't understand men at all.
It is hard to keep yourself safe when you really don't grasp the danger.
raccoon
(31,091 posts)Yes, I would believe it. I can relate a lot to your post.Most of my adult life I have lived as a woman alone. My deceased mother said that a woman living alone is a target. She was absolutely right.
GeoWilliam750
(2,519 posts)Wishing you healing and an end to the pain.
CTyankee
(63,771 posts)not enough though.
Doitnow
(1,103 posts)they get together to discuss sexual things. They think women do the same. Just the language they expect women to use in describing what happened would make me want to gag. Just look at how they questioned Anita Hill.