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LAS14

(13,749 posts)
Sat Nov 17, 2018, 03:55 PM Nov 2018

What do you think of this new norm? Is it a norm?

I'm sure there's a word for it, and I had a sense for the idea on the periphery of my mind, but I've bumped into it directly twice now in the last 6 months. The second time yesterday. I don't have a term for it. Do you? And what do you think about it.

1 - Hubby and I were entertaining a couple at our home overnight. These are good friends from the 60's and 70's, but we only see them once every year or two. The female friend is in her early 60's and we other three are in our mid 70's and early 80's. At some point I made a crack alluding to yer "youth." I don't remember what it was. She said she didn't like that. I asked her why and she replied that it made her feel excluded from the group. Well, OK. So I will avoid alluding to our respective ages in the future. But I thought it was a little weird.

2 - I had an eye appointment with a new opthamologist. He was obviously (accent) from Africa. All my life I've been interested in the variety of people we have in our country, and typically inquire about origins with people like taxi drivers, etc. So asked him, "Where do you come from." He gave me an almost challenging look (not really "challenging" because he's a very nice guy) and said, Austin, El Paso." So I said, "Well, yeah, but there's your accent?" And he smiled and said "Nigeria." I get it that a lot of people in our society could have had hostile intent in asking such a question, but should we cave into that?

tia
las

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What do you think of this new norm? Is it a norm? (Original Post) LAS14 Nov 2018 OP
RE: Accent NurseJackie Nov 2018 #1
Yes. Since many people ask those questions as a challenge, MineralMan Nov 2018 #2
What constitutes "private?" LAS14 Nov 2018 #9
I see no problem thbobby Nov 2018 #3
Or, "What an interesting accent... BaileyBill Nov 2018 #4
:-) Probably not... LAS14 Nov 2018 #5
In Canada vrguy Nov 2018 #6
When he said, "Nigeria...." DFW Nov 2018 #7
I minored in Geography and taught it for years in High Schools... albacore Nov 2018 #12
"Where do you come from" is an invasive and rude question. Asking about accents isn't much better. WhiskeyGrinder Nov 2018 #8
Why is it invasive and rude??? See response #9. nt LAS14 Nov 2018 #10
It implies that the other person doesn't belong there, that they differ in some way from what you WhiskeyGrinder Nov 2018 #11

NurseJackie

(42,862 posts)
1. RE: Accent
Sat Nov 17, 2018, 04:01 PM
Nov 2018

RE: Accent. Try this: "I love the sound of your accent!" or "That's a wonderful accent! Were you raised in Ghana?" (pick a country, any country... even if you're wrong, you'll find out)

Anyway... it works for me. It shows genuine curiosity that they probably won't mistake for aggression.

MineralMan

(146,192 posts)
2. Yes. Since many people ask those questions as a challenge,
Sat Nov 17, 2018, 04:04 PM
Nov 2018

I don't ask them. If someone wants to volunteer the information, that's fine, but I try very hard not to make people uncomfortable. It's easy and costs me absolutely nothing.

For example, my doctor is from Pakistan and is a Muslim. I didn't ask him any questions about his name, origins, or religion. Why would I? Instead, I chose him as my primary care doctor, since he seemed very competent and asked all the right questions about my health concerns. He also knew about cluster headaches, which I used to suffer from, unlike most physicians I had encountered. He worked with me to find a preventative medication that eliminated those recurring, crippling headaches. We tried several options until something worked. It was off-label, but ended up solving the problem. He has since communicated with a neurologist and they are doing a trial on the use of that medication as a prophylactic for cluster headache patients. It's pretty promising, and we figured it out together by trying different possible combinations.

After a couple of years of occasional visits, he volunteered information about where he was born. That happened when I was talking about my aging parents. He told me about his mother, who was still in Pakistan, but who was coming to the US on a permanent resident visa. He and I have developed a friendly, but professional, relationship over the years. But, I never asked any of those questions, because they are often accompanied by hostility from the asker. When I asked him if he would be my primary care doctor, he said that I was the first patient at that clinic who had done so. I understood. Now, my wife uses him as her PC doc, and her mother did too, while she was still alive.

Such questions are personal ones that have nothing to do with the professional relationship. So, there is no reason to ask them.

LAS14

(13,749 posts)
9. What constitutes "private?"
Sat Nov 17, 2018, 06:52 PM
Nov 2018

He said something that caused me to ask if he played an instrument. It followed something that caused me to say I played the flute. He said he played saxophone. I said "Jazz?" He said yes and launched into some observations about jazz.

Why is his country of origin more private?

thbobby

(1,474 posts)
3. I see no problem
Sat Nov 17, 2018, 04:06 PM
Nov 2018

Concerning your first example, everyone has buttons and though we may not understand them, we should be aware of them when seeing them. Perhaps that is just her button that should not be pushed.

Your second example may be a sign of our times. In the age of xenophobia that trump has fostered, perhaps your ophthalmologist has had bad experiences. Open-ended questions about Africa should put him at ease. "I hear Africa is beautiful. Please tell me about it as I have no personal experiences." would be how I would proceed.

We are not motivated by hatred and mistrust, so we should continue to be curious and caring people. Curiosity is a virtue and IMO, we must not fail to express it to others.

vrguy

(235 posts)
6. In Canada
Sat Nov 17, 2018, 05:28 PM
Nov 2018

In Canada we are all able to ask each other regardless of race ethnicity ETC the following,

" what is your background?" which means take a step back in your linenage and tell me where your family is from, which means a white person can say my family is from Scotland and the doctor in your story can comfortably say my family is from Nigeria.

not disclosing where he is from is a protection mechanism, he probably used to in the past and would have been subject to racism and such...saying he is from El Paso is statement saying i don't want to talk about my background because this conversation in the past has not gone well...

DFW

(54,057 posts)
7. When he said, "Nigeria...."
Sat Nov 17, 2018, 06:11 PM
Nov 2018

You should have asked him, "Yoruba, Housa or Ibo?" and pronounced Ibo "eee-bōōō," stretching out both vowels. THAT would have given him pause (those are the three major tribes of Nigeria, something they NEVER expect Americans to know).

albacore

(2,387 posts)
12. I minored in Geography and taught it for years in High Schools...
Sat Nov 17, 2018, 08:18 PM
Nov 2018

When I ask somebody, I say "Can I ask where you are from originally?"

When they say, I almost always can ask a question like yours.... location, language, current events... whatever.

The person may be a little reluctant about the question, but when I show interest and some knowledge, I have never had anyone cut the conversation short. They always want to converse with somebody who actually knows about their country of origin.

WhiskeyGrinder

(22,147 posts)
11. It implies that the other person doesn't belong there, that they differ in some way from what you
Sat Nov 17, 2018, 07:42 PM
Nov 2018

expect a person "from there" to be. In our society, those implications carry a lot of baggage. Also, it's really none of your business.

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