Nancy Pelosi is BACK, and I Don't Know How You're Gonna Build a Wall with Her Boot Up Your Ass, Don
Ah, the New Year! A time for fresh starts! Reinventions! Or, we could all just stay trapped in this madhouse together, and dial the shitstorm up to 11! Ha ha just kidding, you don't have a choice!
(As always, if you want those nifty news links, click on over to Cap's site: http://showercapblog.com/nancy-pelosi-is-back-and-i-dont-know-how-youre-gonna-build-a-wall-with-her-boot-up-your-ass-donnie/)
Mike Pompeo flew down to Brazil to suck on authoritarian goon Jair Bolsonaro's rectum for a bit, because shitting all over America's values is pretty much Mike's whole job these days, and he is goddamn good at it. Y'know what's a fun game I play now? I imagine World War III is about to break out, and I try to guess who winds up on which side. I figure we get Russia, America, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Hungary, and Brazil against everybody else. And yes, we're the bad guys.
Well, add Stanley McChrystal to the ever-expanding list of career military officers to be named enemies of the state for daring to criticize Government Cheese Goebbels. I bet this is a really great time to be a general, don't you? You can risk your life for decades, serving your country in war zones overseas, and when you come home, the commander in chief will take a dump right on your head if you decide to say something like "hey, I think lying is bad."
Jerry Falwell, Jr. gave a deranged little interview to the Washington Post, proclaiming that no sin, however great or small, could ever come between him and his lying, thieving, pussy-grabbing, daughter-coveting, charity-defrauding, child-concentration-camp-opening Turd Emperor, and I honestly wonder how these faux “Christians” get through their Sunday services without snickering during the scripture reading.
Another victory in the Trade War, comrades! Yes, Apple announced unexpectedly weak sales, on account of somebody who shall remain nameless tap-dancing all over the global economy's groin. "But Cap, that doesn't sound like a victory at all! Apple is an American company!" Oh my dear, sweet, child. The Trade War was ALWAYS being waged against America and Americans.
Just before taking over Withered Hate Raisin Orrin Hatch's Senate desk, Willard Romney sat down in the draftiest corner of his car elevator to write himself a little op-ed. It was an op-ed full to the brim with the mildest imaginable criticism of the cheap, greedy, thug polluting the Oval Office. And I do mean MILD. If the Romney op-ed were a sauce at one of those places that has, like, 25 different degrees of hot sauce, it would be the plain ranch dressing they keep to the side, for children and wusses.
And still the Never-Trumpers greeted it like a tablet brought down from the mountain top! Hell, Bill Kristol fell to his knees and wept! I...I don't have the heart to tell them, you guys. But the list of people who got rich betting on Mitt Romney to stand up and do right thing would fit on a particle the Large Hadron Collider hasn't discovered yet.
So, everybody's got their kinks, I get that and I don't judge. Now, if watching the President of the United States of America regurgitate Russian propaganda at a Cabinet meeting while rock-headed sycophants take turns giving him lap dances is what gets you off, you must have LOVED this week. I tell you what, I'm more and more impressed with Putin every day...you never see his lips move.
The Adderall-Addled Assclown was in rare form at this meeting, helpfully offering Iran free reign to do whatever the fuck they feel like in Syria, which probably caused a few spit-takes in Israel. To the great surprise of international observers, Supreme Leader Khamenei announced that he will be taking the President up on his gracious offer, by opening a resort and water park in one of the neighborhoods where Bashar al-Assad gassed all the residents to death.
...and there was this nonsensical little Game of Thrones poster on the table the whole time, because of course there was.
Oh, and in the background, third-rate dictator Kim Jong-un continues playing Lil’ Donnie Dotard's ego like a cheap ukulele. On the one hand, having the How to Manipulate the American President Playbook in the public domain probably isn't a good thing...on the other, I bet if I could get him on the phone and talk about how good he looks in his circus-tent pants, I could walk away with a stealth bomber at least...can you say, “CapJet?”
Folks, this stuff with Paul Whelan, the shady-as-fuck disgraced ex-Marine currently detained in Russia for espionage, is batguano nucking futz, even by the standards of this blog. Like, if the idea here is to swap this clod for Maria Butina, I think we need to hold out for substantially more value. Maybe Putin's willing to take on Jason Heyward's contract*.
And though shit remains generally quite cray, gosh wasn't it nice to just roll around in all the long-overdue good news of the new Congress’ swearing-in, like a pig in mud? For every historic first for our kickass, diverse, Trump-stompin’ freshman class, there was the giddy realization that Koch toadies like Paul Ryan and Gowdy Doody wouldn't be making our laws anymore. My smile got so fuckin’ wide, you'd think I huffed a whole tank of Joker gas.
Nancy Pelosi is BACK, y’all, and it's time for the feral jagoffs of the Freedom Caucus to flail impotently in the minority for a change. There are some new sheriffs in town. Adam Schiff, YOU get a gavel, and Elijah Cummings, YOU get a gavel, and Maxine Waters, YOU get a gavel, and Jerry Nadler, YOU get a gavel, and Richard Neal, YOU get a gavel, EVERYONE GETS A GAVEL!
And check out the new majority's super-sexxxy first major bill, a voting rights extravaganza that takes on gerrymandering and voter roll purging and all kinds of good stuff! This promises to be a major setback to the Koch-backed proposal to restrict the franchise to White Property-Owning Males who have Committed No Fewer Than Four White Collar Crimes in the Last Calendar Year.
And watching Nancy Two-Times casually mention that FUCK YEAH you can indict a sitting President was just the maraschino cherry on top of the sundae, which was already one of those massive, ten-scoops-plus-two-whole-bananas-and-half-a-pound-of-sprinkles sundaes. Get yourself a spoon, there's plenty to go ‘round.
But the good news wasn't confined to D.C. In Maine, shiny new Dem governor Janet Mills finally ordered the implementation of the voter-approved Medicaid expansion that Paul LePage had been obstructing for years, because he hated his constituents and wanted them to die. In Washington state, Governor Jay Inslee announced a plan to pardon thousands of folks with misdemeanor marijuana convictions, which will surely pave the way for an outbreak of The Reefer Madness in the Pacific Northwest, but fear not, the National Guard stands ready. Or wait, are they getting paid?
After two years of ceaseless assaults on America's fundamental democratic institutions, from the judiciary to the free press, two years of a criminal administration throwing children into cages even as they steal everything that isn't nailed down, I regret to inform to inform a weary nation that we must now face the greatest scandal yet: a Lady Democrat has uttered a Swear. A Brown Lady Democrat. A MUSLIM Brown Lady Democrat.
(This space left blank to allow the reader time to fetch smelling salts for their racist uncle)
Hey Republicans, if you're this mad when Rashida Tlaib SAYS “impeach the motherfucker,” just imagine how John-McEnroe-locked-in-a-dryer-with-two-cats freaked out you'll get when we actually impeach the motherfucker.
Whatever. Fuck your feelings.
Drumpf loyalists at the RNC want to change the rules to head off a potential 2020 primary challenge by Jeff Flake or some other equally deluded fool who imagines that the GOP can cure its white supremacist fever if somebody just reads a few David Brooks columns over the loudspeaker at one of Wee Don's hate rallies. Lord. This really is a fantastic example the projectile insecurity and hard turn from democracy to fascism that's rapidly becoming the entire Republican brand.
So, Matt Gaetz is a sitting Republican Congressman, a raging bigot, and dumber than a bag of hair. So naturally, Fux Nooz decided to let him co-host a show today, because something something JOURNALISM something something FAIR N’ BALANCED. Anyway, he said some dumb, racist, shit, and I guess we should be thankful they're doing away with the pretense of objectivity, right?
And of course the Big Dumb Shartdown over the Big Dumb Wall continues, with Fat Q*Bert claiming he'll merrily keep the government closed for months, if not years, because he is a big tuff boy and you cannot make him clean his room or eat his peas. In this, he is enabled by Mitch McConnell, who is surely feigning severe head trauma in order to explain why he's no long able to consider the very same bill his chamber unanimously passed just two weeks ago. And to think, some say Republicans can't govern.
Lindsey Graham went on Hannity to say that if Boss Turdworm doesn't get his wall money, it would be “the end of his Presidency.” Heh. I guess Lindsey learned the fine art of negotiation at his golf buddy's feet, cuz No Wall PLUS Utterly Castrated Trump sounds like the best two-for-one in history. Why not throw in a toaster oven and a year's worth of Krispy Kreme, my dude?
Then, today, the Hairplug That Ate Decency stumbled out into the rose garden for his latest attempt at daring Steve Mnuchin into invoking the 25th amendment, and my guess is the fumes from the experimental hair tonic were extra strong today, because HOO BOY that was Nic-Cage-in-Marat/Sade-level bonkers. I have NO fucking idea what the wall looks like in that doddering old fool's head, but it's probably some straight Steve Ditko shit. What's it made from today? Concrete? Steel? Crunchberries?
And Mexico is gonna pay for the wall, except they already have, through a trade agreement that hasn't passed Congress yet, but he still needs $5 billion from us for some reason. It's Schroedinger's appropriation. Neat.
He said that lots and lots of federal workers absolutely ADORE working without pay and that lots of lots of Presidents tell him all the time that they wanted a Big Dumb Wall of their own only they weren't as good at deal-making or wall-building as YOU are Mr. Trump and that lots and lots of imaginary terrorists get stopped at the southern border and while he was just pulling shit straight out of his ass a unicorn made from grape jelly appeared to him in the Oval Office this morning to say Salma Hayek really did want to date him but was afraid she'd be unable to satisfy him sexually. Anyway, he's nuts.
And yeah, were just two days into the new Congress, and the Oversight Renaissance hasn't even gotten warmed up yet, but Tangerine Idi Amin is already tossing around shit like "the military version of eminent domain," and that probably does mean that he thinks he can order the military to just take anything he wants but you'll pry my autographed copy of TOMB OF DRACULA #1 out of my cold, dead, hands, shitbag.
Yes, it's all fun and games until Pissant Pol Pot starts talking about declaring a state of emergency to get his precious Lego set. A constitutional crisis set off by a disapproving Ann Coulter monologue? That's where we're at, America. Whatever new world emerges from the ashes will stand in the ruins of our once-great nation and laugh their asses off at us. And they'll be right to do so.
And on the Entirely Predictable Consequences front, we're already seeing a spike in TSA employees calling in sick, since they're required to work without paychecks during a shartdown. O, the treasonous louts! Prioritizing petty concerns like “paying their bills” or “caring for the children” over the petulant whims of the Manchurian Manchild! I ASK YOU, IS PATRIOTISM DEAD?
Anyway, yes, Sharty McFly’s vanity project tantrum is already making America less safe. Isn't that ironic? Don'tcha think?
But while all these good people aren't getting paid, Mike Pants and other high-ranking Treasonweasel Administration officials are getting a fucking RAISE, which is exactly what would happen in Hell, and I submit this info to you as further evidence that Hell is exactly where we all live.
In all fairness, Mikey Hairshirt probably begged for combat pay after he officiated the swearing-in of openly-bisexual Democrat Kyrsten Sinema on a book that wasn't even the Bible! Or whatever fucking book Jerry Falwell, Jr.'s been reading, even!
Oh, and while I was workin' up tonight's post, I came across this little nugget, about shutdown deaths in national parks, which the geniuses running our government decided, in their wisdom, to keep open even in the face of massive staff furloughs. Yeah, this whole Let the Dumbest Fucking People on the Planet Run Everything experiment doesn't appear to be working out, y'know?
But it looks like the Groundhog of Justice saw his shadow, because we're getting six more months of Mueller! Yes, the Bobadook's grand jury has been extended, because there're just so dang many crimes to investigate. No wonder Donnie Two-Scoops is melting down with such regularity these days.
Shit, y’all, it's only been FOUR DAYS. I swear, 2019 is gonna drive me to drink...more.
*This is a baseball joke.
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