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Zorro

(15,690 posts)
Wed Mar 13, 2019, 04:21 PM Mar 2019

Religious Conservatives Argue Adam & Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They'd Had Guns



HOUSTON—In what they described as scriptural evidence of the right to bear arms, leading figures among the religious right gathered Wednesday to issue a statement arguing that Adam and Eve would never have been banished from the Garden of Eden if they had owned guns.

“Just imagine: If Adam and Eve had carried firearms and stood their ground against God, they would have been able to eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge in peace, and He could never have forced them to leave paradise,” said Pastor Hugh Peters of Houston’s Second Baptist Church, explaining how the entire course of human history would have been altered for the better if the first man and woman had taken the simple precaution of keeping a semiautomatic weapon at the ready for use during emergencies.

“God was trespassing on their property, pure and simple. He had absolutely no right to force them from their home. Had Eve been able to open-carry a handgun, maybe tying it to her hip with a vine or something, God would have known to back off. This is one of the Bible’s most important lessons.”

Peters later issued an appeal to Jewish conservatives, insisting the Israelites would never have had to flee Egypt if Moses had simply been issued a sidearm with which to kill the pharaoh.

https://www.theonion.com/religious-conservatives-argue-adam-and-eve-would-never-1833267416
18 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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Religious Conservatives Argue Adam & Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They'd Had Guns (Original Post) Zorro Mar 2019 OP
I had to check to see if it was for sure from The Onion. Sad, but true. Arkansas Granny Mar 2019 #1
I can guarantee you ain't the only one rurallib Mar 2019 #11
Yeah, I had to, as well. Aristus Mar 2019 #13
They'd have shot God? The Velveteen Ocelot Mar 2019 #2
Yes, they would have! Especially if he didn't get the satire! DontBooVote Mar 2019 #3
And god sayeth unto Adam to "not let the door hit ya where I split ya" NightWatcher Mar 2019 #4
They going to shoot God? True Blue American Mar 2019 #5
Leading God to add Commandment #11: Ilsa Mar 2019 #6
Then why did they make the Angel Blades? Quackers Mar 2019 #10
"Go ahead...make my day." edbermac Mar 2019 #7
... Ohiogal Mar 2019 #9
So they truly know the word of god and thus, speak for him? Yeah, really...my sarcasm is... SWBTATTReg Mar 2019 #8
but weapons and bullets hadn't been invented rurallib Mar 2019 #12
How stupid. The more they say shit like this the more stupidity shows demosincebirth Mar 2019 #14
The Onion again sakabatou Mar 2019 #15
To bad they didn't. The Old Testament god was a dick. GulfCoast66 Mar 2019 #16
I honestly believed this... FirstLight Mar 2019 #17
Long live the flying spaghetti monster. sarcasmo Mar 2019 #18

NightWatcher

(39,343 posts)
4. And god sayeth unto Adam to "not let the door hit ya where I split ya"
Wed Mar 13, 2019, 04:28 PM
Mar 2019

And Adam replied "verily I say unto thee, click clack, step back before I fill you so full of lead that you can use your dick as a pencil".

The Book of Colt 9:11

Ilsa

(61,656 posts)
6. Leading God to add Commandment #11:
Wed Mar 13, 2019, 04:37 PM
Mar 2019
Thou shalt not gank the angels of the Lord or of the Heavens.

SWBTATTReg

(21,811 posts)
8. So they truly know the word of god and thus, speak for him? Yeah, really...my sarcasm is...
Wed Mar 13, 2019, 04:57 PM
Mar 2019

dripping off the page here. These people are animals and thugs, nothing else fits their description better. Sorry about lumping the animals into this description, as a lot of the animals I know are better than a lot of these thugs.

rurallib

(62,328 posts)
12. but weapons and bullets hadn't been invented
Wed Mar 13, 2019, 05:20 PM
Mar 2019

So would God, who can do anything, given Adam and Eve weapons so that they could turn and shoot Him? And then would God allow --- oh the theological questions are just endless ------

GulfCoast66

(11,949 posts)
16. To bad they didn't. The Old Testament god was a dick.
Wed Mar 13, 2019, 06:07 PM
Mar 2019

At least that is my take away from years in baptist church where every sermon the preacher referred back to Old Testament verses after preaching New Testament ones. Less the congregation believe the whole love thing meant as it was read. He had to temper that whole forgiveness thing with some Devine wrath.

FirstLight

(13,341 posts)
17. I honestly believed this...
Wed Mar 13, 2019, 08:17 PM
Mar 2019

That, my friends, is how batshit CrayCray the religious right has gotten...

When you just *know* you're in the upsidedown!

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