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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsReligious Conservatives Argue Adam & Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They'd Had Guns
HOUSTONIn what they described as scriptural evidence of the right to bear arms, leading figures among the religious right gathered Wednesday to issue a statement arguing that Adam and Eve would never have been banished from the Garden of Eden if they had owned guns.
Just imagine: If Adam and Eve had carried firearms and stood their ground against God, they would have been able to eat the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge in peace, and He could never have forced them to leave paradise, said Pastor Hugh Peters of Houstons Second Baptist Church, explaining how the entire course of human history would have been altered for the better if the first man and woman had taken the simple precaution of keeping a semiautomatic weapon at the ready for use during emergencies.
God was trespassing on their property, pure and simple. He had absolutely no right to force them from their home. Had Eve been able to open-carry a handgun, maybe tying it to her hip with a vine or something, God would have known to back off. This is one of the Bibles most important lessons.
Peters later issued an appeal to Jewish conservatives, insisting the Israelites would never have had to flee Egypt if Moses had simply been issued a sidearm with which to kill the pharaoh.
https://www.theonion.com/religious-conservatives-argue-adam-and-eve-would-never-1833267416
Arkansas Granny
(31,477 posts)rurallib
(62,328 posts)Aristus
(65,985 posts)Satire is dead, but The Onion keeps plugging away...
The Velveteen Ocelot
(115,070 posts)DontBooVote
(901 posts)NightWatcher
(39,343 posts)And Adam replied "verily I say unto thee, click clack, step back before I fill you so full of lead that you can use your dick as a pencil".
The Book of Colt 9:11
True Blue American
(17,969 posts)That is who banished them.
Ilsa
(61,656 posts)Quackers
(2,256 posts)edbermac
(15,917 posts)SWBTATTReg
(21,811 posts)dripping off the page here. These people are animals and thugs, nothing else fits their description better. Sorry about lumping the animals into this description, as a lot of the animals I know are better than a lot of these thugs.
rurallib
(62,328 posts)So would God, who can do anything, given Adam and Eve weapons so that they could turn and shoot Him? And then would God allow --- oh the theological questions are just endless ------
demosincebirth
(12,517 posts)sakabatou
(42,070 posts)GulfCoast66
(11,949 posts)At least that is my take away from years in baptist church where every sermon the preacher referred back to Old Testament verses after preaching New Testament ones. Less the congregation believe the whole love thing meant as it was read. He had to temper that whole forgiveness thing with some Devine wrath.
FirstLight
(13,341 posts)That, my friends, is how batshit CrayCray the religious right has gotten...
When you just *know* you're in the upsidedown!