You May Want to Sit Down Before Reading This, But I Think the President May Be a Teeny Bit Racist
I tell ya, folks, chroniclin’ ain't easy, especially with summer shitstorm season heating up. I got UFO truthers to the west of me, meth gators to the south; here I am, stuck in the Midwest with you. Let's do this.
(And yeah, this post can be found, with all them nifty news links, on my blog site: http://showercapblog.com/you-may-want-to-sit-down-before-reading-this-but-i-think-the-president-may-be-a-teeny-bit-racist/)
Well, Alex Acosta is out as Labor Secretary, despite his ground-breaking charity work on behalf of the oppressed "megarich pedophile” class. Me, I think this is unreasonable; we're sending mixed singles to the all the young hacks out there looking to climb the ladder of Republican power n’ influence. I mean, if the whole fucking point of your party is making sure wealthy dudes don't have to play by the same rules as us chump serfs (and it is), it's kinda bullshit to punish a guy for helping a donor skirt a few silly ol’ child sex trafficking laws, isn't it? Consistency is all I ask.
Of course, Alex's replacement is Patrick Pizzella, a former lobbyist who used to work for Jack Abramoff, and who literally defended a sweatshop economy in the Northern Mariana Islands, that relied on “indentured workers” subjected to “forced abortions and routine beatings." Fucking hell, does Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot have to keep recruiting cabinet secretaries from just the very lowest circles of hell? Couldn't we hand DHS over to a mere shoplifter/masturbator, just for variety's sake?
Oh, speaking of Jeffrey Epstein, he would very much prefer to be released to his fabulous mansion, rather than continuing to await trial in jail, arguing that it's not really even that a good of a mansion anymore, now that the feds seized his SAFE FILLED WITH CHILD PORNOGRAPHY. They also have your diamonds-and-fake-Saudi-passport-quick-escape kit, Jeff, so what's Plan C?
I feel like I don't actually understand what the living fuck is going on with our old chum Mike “Oops I Forgot to Register as a Foreign Agent” Flynn. Since replacing his legal team with an off-brand lunatic, he's seemingly playing chicken with the federal prosecutors who cut him a what's-that-line-about-gift-horsesly generous plea deal, which seems...unwise. Anyway, his former business partner's trial just kicked off, and we're learning all sorts of fun stuff about Mike's diligent labors on behalf of the American government. Excuse me, that should read “on behalf of the TURKISH government.” My apologies.
Responding to some critical quotes from Paul Ryan in a new book, President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster unleashed a tirade on the former House Speaker that was equal parts Orwell and Mean Third Grader, and then ordered the White House grounds crew to chop down a tree in the Rose Garden in which the initials "DJT + PR” had been carved, with a heart around them, just two short years ago. Don't worry, Republicans, I'm sure your Frankenstein’s Monster will stop rampaging through your village any day now.
Anyway, I think it's time for the Eli Roths and Wes Cravens of the world to step aside, because if there’s anything more terrifying than watching the Manchurian Manchild babble about his boundless power under “Article II,” I can't imagine what it would be.
What is it with jagoffs and challenge coins these days? Seems some of the more venomous pusbags in Customs and Border Patrol whipped up a catty little collectible to mock the migrants suffering in their custody, because there's no reason dehumanization can't be fun, right?
Congrats to Tennessee Governor Bill Lee for proclaiming Nathan Bedford Forrest Day, because heaven knows we don't have nearly enough holidays commemorating terrorists. I was gonna say, “the only difference between Nathan Bedford Forrest Day and Osama bin Laden day is a beard,” but then I did a Google image search for Forrest, and, well...
Vice President Mike Pants formally renounced the last vestiges of his performative Christianity, in deed if not in word*, leading a contingent of some of the biggest shitweasels in the Senate (my God, imaging traveling with John Cornyn and Marsha Blackburn at the same time, with Mike Lee thrown in for laffs) on a trip to the human zoo, to gawk at all the torment he and his taintfungus boss have caused. Who Would Jesus Imprison in an Overcrowded Cage With No Beds, Mike?
It's telling that even the most sanitized, carefully staged, photo op these monsters could concoct still looked like a WWII-era concentration camp inspection. Even more telling that Mikey Hairshirt and co. tried to spin it like a tour of a luxury resort, while we had to rely on reporters to describe the overpowering stench of hundreds of human beings, crowded together, without access to showers. And this was the Trump Administration and Border Patrol on their best behavior, mind you.
The Very Fine Administration issued a sweeping new rule aimed at virtually eliminating the right to seek asylum in the United States, because there's no point in half-assing white supremacist tyranny, I guess. Anyway, I don't think Hairplug Himmler has appointed enough lunatic federal judges yet to get away with just making up whatever laws that come to him during Fux n’ Fiendz commercial breaks, but I suppose we'll find out soon enough.
So I guess the big news is the racist guy being even racister than usual. Yes, the Grand Wizard Grifter tweeted out some vile shit, straight from the locker room at the annual KKK softball tourney, targeting four Democratic House freshmen, who, in what I'm sure is just the zaniest of coincidences, all happen to be women of color. Now, me, I think it's the Carcinogenic Creamsicle who ought to "go back to where he came from." Even though he's put on a little weight since then, I'm sure there's still room at the bottom of that outhouse.
And once again we're doing the silly little dance where Trump and his stooges pretend to be outraged at charges of racism, and pundits churn out a thousand impeccably-researched columns to prove their case, as though we're dealing with people arguing in good faith. As though the race hate isn't the entire festering core of Trumpism. Folks, we're talking about the dude who couldn't even give a speech in response to a white supremacist terror attack without praising white supremacists. He's a swollen tick, engorged on bigotry, a bloated geyser that spews shit and bile and endless, raging, hatred, all day and all night. It's who he is. And we're all just waiting around to see how that plays in the Rust Belt in 2020 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHTHISISHELLLLLLLLLLLLL.
And don't forget, the Bonespur Buttplug is indeed inciting all this hatred, and potentially, violence as a fucking campaign tactic, which you can almost understand, I guess; what's he gonna run on, his record? “After four years of doing crap everyone hates, accomplishing jack shit beyond cutting your boss’ taxes, vote for me anyway because we both despise these four brown-skinned women! I'm gonna steal your health care and shut down your family business with my dipshit trade war, but LET THE HATE FLOW THROUGH YOU!!! GOOD, GOOOOOOOOD!!!!!”
It took the elected officials of the GOP a whole goddamn day to realize this one, like Charlottesville, wasn't going to go away by itself. And thus, as proud graduates of the Jeff Flake School of Political Courage, they're been trickling out some of the weakest sauce this side of a truck stop Olive Garden. Cowering before the rabid hate mob their party has become, most of them lack the vertebrae to muster so much as a feeble “hey, maybe the president shouldn't talk like David Duke at a wedding with an open bar.”
At this point, I'm convinced that Susan Collins and Mitt Romney have been replaced by actors performing elaborate parodies of the originals. Of course, to the Lickspittle Elite, like Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, even bigotry so blatant as to draw the open praise of white supremacists doesn't count as racism because...just BECAUSE, ok? And of course Lindsey Graham slid right into his comfortable role as Fat Q*Bert's Shitty Igor, bowing and scraping and lapping up his master’s brackish piss, insisting to anyone who'll listen that it's delicious.
For years, one of conservatives’ favorite attacks on President Obama was blather to the effect of “how can you fight radical Islamic terrorism if you won't even say it?” Well, how can you fight Al Qaeda if you CAN'T FUCKING SPELL IT? Seriously? “Alcaida?” If you needed proof that Donnie Dotard has never read one single paragraph of his security briefings in more than two years, you've got it.
Hey, if you did a triple take this afternoon when you saw the headline “Richard Spencer is now the Acting Defense Secretary,” nobody could blame you. Good for a quick lil’ heart attack, huh?
Oh, and Kellyanne Conway skipped out on a subpoena from the House Oversight and Reform Committee today, probably to smoke grass and violate the Hatch Act some more under the bleachers after school. Like, I get why Boss Shart attacks the rule of law; he's been committing significant crimes for decades now, and there's a very real possibility of dying in prison if the law ever catches up to him. But Kellyanne? Shit, you're just a penny-ante propagandist, sit the fuck down.
And don't miss CNN's thrilling behind-the-scenes exposé on how Shit-Smearing Cat Neglecter Julian Assange colluded with Russian intelligence agencies to fuck up the entire dang world, from the comfort of the Ecuadorian Embassy in London. Julian's in jail right now, and I sincerely hope they pee in his food.
Fuck it, I'm out. I'm taking my chances with the meth 'gators. Oh, by the way, I don't think I'll be able to check in again until Friday, so don't stay up, staring mournfully at your screen, waiting for the usual Thursday Nite update. 
P.S. It's been a rough one tonight, so let me leave you with this hilarious and richly-deserved profile of the Trumpiest little turdlet in the U.S. House, it's a good'n.
*Like, I know there are disputes between the various sects over when you get to eat red meat and whether or not you're allowed to be alone in a room with a woman, but torturing kids is frowned upon more or less universally, right?
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I had so much hope for Donald. So much trust in his every decision.
