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Tue Mar 31, 2020, 07:51 PM

Trump Tackles Medical Supply Shortage By Awarding ExxonMobil Contract To Drill For Ventilators

WASHINGTON—Saying there was no way the coronavirus could win with such amazing corporations on their side, President Donald Trump kicked off his plan to tackle the medical supply shortage Tuesday by awarding ExxonMobil an exclusive contract to drill for ventilators in the arctic.

“Today, the heroic crews at ExxonMobil will travel to Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, where they will drill 6,000 feet below the earth in search of new, undiscovered mechanical breathing devices,” said Trump, signing the $86 billion deal that gave the oil company sole access to survey, drill, and extract from over 30,000 square miles of “vast, untapped reservoirs of respiratory ventilators.”

“While this crisis is a challenge, I want to assure the American people that there are millions of medical devices lying just below the arctic surface, and all we need is ExxonMobil’s vast network of drilling rigs to find them. That’s why we’re also announcing the construction of a long-distance ventilator pipeline, as well as an exclusive, multi-billion-dollar contract with Shell to begin extracting ventilators on Native American reservations throughout South Dakota.”

At press time, President Trump had reportedly once again downplayed the need for medical supplies after one of ExxonMobil’s largest offshore tankers exploded.

https://politics.theonion.com/trump-tackles-medical-supply-shortage-by-awarding-exxon-1842588943

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Reply Trump Tackles Medical Supply Shortage By Awarding ExxonMobil Contract To Drill For Ventilators (Original post)
Zorro Mar 2020 OP
ZZenith Mar 2020 #1
Mystery sage Mar 2020 #2
zonemaster Mar 2020 #3

Response to Zorro (Original post)

Tue Mar 31, 2020, 08:03 PM

1. Didn't think The Onion had anywhere to go with the satire anymore.

Unsettling and comforting in equal measure.

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Tue Mar 31, 2020, 08:20 PM

2. It's going to be hard for them to make new material after trump is out

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Tue Mar 31, 2020, 08:42 PM

3. Word.

That is all.

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