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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsYou'll Have to Pry the Post Office From Our Cold Dead Hands, You Fucks (Ferret/Shower Cap)
You may be trapped inside your home, but you know you cant escape the madness. No, its all around you, its been renewed for three more seasons on Netflix, its pissing in your last container of Lysol wipes, its arriving on your very doorstep right this minute via no-contact delivery. Dont believe me? Read on...
(You best believe this post is available, with news links, here: http://showercapblog.com/youll-have-to-pry-the-post-office-from-our-cold-dead-hands-you-fucks/)
The Failing New York Times succeeded in thoroughly documenting Hairplug Himmlers lost weeks of criminal failure and insidious obfuscation as the coronavirus spread from coast to coast, and I dont know how even the most sycophantic Senate stooge (lookin at YOU, Lindsey) can read that shit without whimsically wondering about the world that might have been if theyd only removed the overmatched crotchwart when they had the chance. Its deeply insane, that were still allowing this malicious clod to run shit after fucking up so badly; hes certainly not done getting Americans killed with his malfeasance. Theres an escape hatch, but Mitch Fucking McConnell hold the keys, so sorry folks, the dying will continue until the approval rating improves.
Because they are as sinister as they are incompetent, Republicans gazed out at the ever-growing mound of bodies theyd built with their negligence, and thought not, Holy fucking shit, we are monsters who should never show our faces in public again, but Say, this seems like a fantastic opportunity to drown the US Postal Service in a bathtub full of the hand sanitizer were withholding from blue state hospitals. So now we have still another battle to fight, because this white supremacist hate cult figures putting an additional half million folks out of work is a small price to pay to keep Americans from voting safely, from home, by mail. Theres gotta be some fine print we havent seen on that pro-life thing, yknow?
Shit wasnt awful enough with the pandemic punching you in one kidney while the economy kicks you in the other, well, meet MAGA Mengele! Yes, Robin Armstrong, a well-connected Texas Republigoon, figured a nursing home full of COVID-19 patients was the perfect playground to test out Doctor Dotards miracle elixir, hydroxychloroquine. And hey, if some his lab rats, excuse me, patients are suffering from dementia and cant consent to being experimented on, honestly, whats one stray grandma more or less, anyway?
By the way, if youre wonderin why Peter Navarro is walking funny this week, its because he went on 60 Minutes to try a little Diet Trump Now With Splenda attack on the media, and the shows producers shoved a fat stack of receipts straight up his weaselly autocrat ass. Poor Pete, and its tough to find Preparation H in the Shart House, the bossman positively guzzles the stuff.
The lamestream librul media is always going on and on about gun control, because of their mistaken belief that the Constitution values childrens lives more than Uncle Dumbfucks "right" to collect semi-automatic murder machines in order to compensate for his micropenis, but we just saw the first March since 2002 without a single school shooting, and we didnt take away a single gun, NO, all we had to do was shut down every school in the country, CHECKMATE, LIBTARDS.
Some withered hate raisin called Bill Bennett became the latest creep to slither out onto Fux Nooz to parrot the ol COVID-19 is just a flu that got uppity horseshit, and to his credit, at least he didnt trip over any corpses while the camera was on. This dope was actually Secretary of Education under that one fellow who used to make monkey movies, and following that line on down to Betsy DeVos, lets just say Im beginning to doubt the conservative commitment to learning.
Everyone enjoyed a good, sturdy, belly laugh when we saw the flock of buttholes Strawberry Shartcake hand-selected for his Council to Reopen Murica. Secretary Mnuchbag? Fugitive Gringotts Embezzler Wilbur Ross? Princess Ivanka and Jar-Jar? Its like the kids who got held back a year at Arkham Asylum. Yeah, everybody chuckled...until we remembered these clowns actually get to make decisions that affect our very lives. Hah hah...hee...ho...fuck.
Well, the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor took to Twitter to declare himself King of All the Governors, and insist that he can overrule their coronavirus orders, which is about as true as the weight line on a physical written up by Dr. Ronny Jackson. Im starting to wonder if, among his other psychological defects, Lil Donnie Two-Scoops doesnt also possess a pathological addiction to humiliating public defeats. Not exactly an ideal leadership trait, but it would explain some shit.
Yes, Sharty McFly is gettin itchy to reopen the economy (bless his heart, he imagines well forgive and forget the whole caused the deaths of tens of thousands thing) even if he has to go door to door and push us all back out into the hot zone, excuse me, the workforce himself, with his own tiny, inadequate, little hands. Sorry dotard, the economy isnt like that high-tech sex doll you had made to look like Ivanka; it doesnt obey your every command.
Even by the batshit carny standards of the Daily Propaganda Spew, Monday nights press briefing was...wow. It was like the movie BIG, only the kid was the shittiest third grade playground bully in the world, and instead of having heartwarming adventures at FAO Schwartz, he ate half a pound of Adderall and crashed the economy.
Seems all of this reporting on Littlefingers calamitous mismanagement has gotten under that paper-thin skin of his and he felt the appropriate way to handle things was to hijack the prime time airwaves to air a (ridiculous) campaign video, and then shit his pants on national television for something like six hours.
The Pusillanimous Pussygrabber petulantly proclaimed his presidential power to be...absolute,* and then when a reporter went LOL, thats not true, but please explain to the folks at home just why you think so, dumbass, he started gettin all pissy. When a female reporter confronted him on his cavalcade of corona cockups, he melted down like a butter sculpture of Jabba the Hutt. Yknow, if someone had told him up front that being President would involve taking questions from lady reporters, many of whom would even be non-white lady reporters, we probably wouldve been spared this whole shitshow.
(If you really wanna find out how combustible that spray-on tan lotion is, somebody should ask him to explain just how he inherited faulty tests for a virus that DIDNT FUCKING EXIST UNTIL 2019. Hes like a child who breaks moms favorite vase, and tries to blame it on the dog that died five years ago.)
But yeah, the Velveeta Vulgarians theory of his office seems to be, as the Genie from Aladdin might put it, PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER over stupid governors, itty bitty responsibility to actually help anyone anywhere with anything. Donald Trump is essentially Reverse Spider-Man.
Hilariously, Fat Q*bert seems hellbent on heading into November doing battle with a small of army of defiant governors, heroically protecting their citizens from a deranged narcissist seeking to force millions to risk their lives for the sake of his own political future. Mama Trump didnt raise no honor students, I suppose.
Indiana Congressghoul Trey Hollingsworth is certainly in his Turd Emperors corner on this issue, insisting that a nationwide surge in preventable deaths would be the lesser of two evils when compared with the suffering of the poor, put-upon, Republican donor class. I wonder if Trey has noticed that his constituents arent corporations, but actual people. And then I also wonder if Treys constituents have noticed how cheaply he values their lives. Anyway, get busy dyin, you worthless serfs!
It wasnt so long ago when Trumpist Republican Governor Kristi L. Noem smugly proclaimed that her state didnt need no stupid cuck social distancing or shelter in place orders because South Dakota is not New York City, only it turned out South Dakota was totally New York City, in that it was a place where coronavirus would happily take of advantage of any idiots willing to help it spread. And so shes now the proud chief executive of a state with one of the most disastrous COVID-19 outbreaks in the nation, one which has shut down one of our largest pork-processing plants, threatening the entire countrys food supply. Im starting to think Were not the idiots who got a bunch of people killed is going to be a potent bit of political messaging for Dems this fall.
Speaking of chiclet-brained GOP governors, Ron DeSantis keeps popping up on this page so much Im worried hes gonna start charging me royalty fees. In his quest to prove himself the Floridaest Man of All, Ron-Ron proclaimed World Wrestling Entertainment, oh-so-coincidentally owned by major Trump donors the McMahon family, an essential business, even as the victims of his murderously bungled coronavirus response discover that they dont count as essential humans to their nitwit governor. Perhaps DeSantis will run for reelection as the Man Who Body-Slammed Common Sense.
Wisconsin Republicans, aided by the Roberts Court, had been having a grand old time, whacking away at the piñata of voting of rights, but when they finally busted it open, it was full of week-old Guernsey shit that doused the lot of them. Yes, the plot to ride a wave of coronavirus-fearing voter suppression backfired, as liberal Jill Karofsky vanquished a Scott-Walker-appointed incumbent with a margin that filled many a diaper on Weehands McNodicks reelection team. Its not just an enormous victory, its a preview of coming attractions, you evil fucks.
And yeah, turns out the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor doesnt understand the classic film, Mutiny on the Bounty. Gable version OR Brando version. Doddering old nincompoop doesnt get pants, neckties, steaks, or umbrellas, asking him to interpret cinema is like asking an avocado what it thinks of the Taj Mahal.
Anyway, at Tuesdays DPS**, Shart Garfunkel announced he was defunding the World Health Organization (yes, during a global outbreak) and then read the names of a bunch of companies. So yeah, hes still crazy, and were still trapped here with him, in Hell. Oh well. The beer truck still shows up.
But enough bad news, who needs that shit? We have got ourselves a UNIFIED DEMOCRATIC PARTY, and its only April, muthafuckaaaaas! We got Joe. We got Bernie. We got the big gun, Barack Obama, makin that slow walk from the bullpen. The dustbin of history is waiting juuuuuust around the corner for all the crooked bastards squatting in our house. Get the damn broom.
Ok Shower Captives, thats all Ive got tonight, except for a burning desire to disappear for a few hours into pretentious movies and a six-back of Little Sumpin Sumpin. Stay safe out there, see yall soon.
*Stupid B. I was on a roll.
**Daily Propaganda Spew, remember?
tblue37
(65,269 posts)Blue Owl
(50,327 posts)flying rabbit
(4,631 posts)murielm99
(30,724 posts)MustLoveBeagles
(11,587 posts)Lugnut
(9,791 posts)Cha
(297,029 posts)Captain Zero
(6,799 posts)Im starting to think Were not the idiots who got a bunch of people killed is going to be a potent bit of political messaging for Dems this fall.
Thanks Ferret.
brer cat
(24,544 posts)rampartc
(5,399 posts)if enough of us can stay alive until november we can be rid of this thing.
Gothmog
(145,046 posts)The Mouth
(3,145 posts)would be very hard for even most Republicans to oppose.
Instead of jamming it, and other stuff into an omnibus bill, if we break it out, make it ENTIRELY about the post office, Republican Senators in red states are going to have a real hard time opposing it or not voting to override a veto. If we stick it in with other stuff again it then we will have to give them massive pork and even then it might get vetoed.
MichaelSoE
(1,576 posts)Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor
Thank you
ananda
(28,854 posts)I'll see about buying something else later on.
2naSalit
(86,502 posts)littlemissmartypants
(22,628 posts)ismnotwasm
(41,973 posts)cp
(6,622 posts)Thank you, Ferret.
treestar
(82,383 posts)Right!
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,560 posts)heckles65
(548 posts)That guy that authored the best-selling (and least liked) children's book back in the '90s? Was big on hurrumphing at Bill Clinton, back before conservatives discovered adultery could be cool? -That- Bill Bennett?
He's still alive?